The Joke's on Me

***, this is madness.

That stupid signing is all I can think of. Why? Because of how Ian touched me. Laugh all you fucking want, it’s driving me crazy. That slow drag of his hand across my back, leaving my skin tingling, his eyes staring into mine…fuck, it’s enough to drive a sane man crazy. And I’m pretty sure I’m far from sane at this point.

I’m blaming my ma for dropping me on my head as a baby. Damn you ma! Okay, I didn’t mean that, I love you ma. Anyway, back to Ian…

Fuck, why does my stomach instantly butterfly when I think about him, even after what he’s done to me? Why do I have to be so completely and utterly head over fucking heels for him still? I don’t want to be, I really don’t. I wish I could be over him, I really do. But it’s not that easy.

Is it?

I mean, if I could just cut him right out my life, I just would. But obviously with this tour and the fact that our closest friends are friends, it’s impossible. So there’s got to be another way for me to get over him.

Get over him.

Maybe I could get over him by getting over what he did to me? If I could stop hurting over his betrayal with that fucking gothic bitch Alaina, then I could…heal? If could close off the pain and the anger, I bet I could get over him. I bet I could forget about how amazing it was to be held in his arms, to press my naked body against his naked body, to suck his perfect cock into my mouth…

No, Sean, healing not making yourself horny. Fuck. Maybe this is going to be harder than I thought. No, I can do this. Although, if I’m going to heal…then the first I have to meet the slut that stole the love of my life Alaina. I’m going to have to talk to her, face to face.

I know, I know, it’s fucking nuts. But I feel like I have to get a conversation with her over and done with to be able to get over the fact that Ian went public with her instead of going public with me. It’s not all that insane when everything boils down, right?

Eh, maybe it is. But I still have to fucking do it! Ian fucking Watkins does not rule my life. I’m better than him (yeah fucking right) and I’m going to prove it.

Fuck, this is madness.

Right, suck it up, Sean. We’re going to get this over and done with. We’re?! Maybe I am going a bit crazy. Fuck you Watkins! Okay, where is Alaina? She can’t be far, can she? She’ll either be by Ian’s side or by the LostProphets’ bus. I’m hoping the bus. I can’t be dealing with her and Ian all over each other right now.

And I was right. Standing in the shade of the bus, drinking a diet coke, is Alaina.

I can’t believe I’m doing this. I took a breath before walking grudgingly over to the bitch that ruined my life Alaina.

“Hi,” I grumbled.

“Uh, hi?” Alaina said, confused.

“We haven’t properly met yet, and seeing you’re probably going to be here for the whole tour, I figured I should introduce myself,” I said as politely as I could.

“You’re Sean, right?” Alaina said, cocking her head to the side.

“How do you know my name?” I frowned.

Is she some kind of mind reader? Hah! I bet she’s some kind of freak and that’s how she’s ensnared Ian! I bet she cast some kind of freakish spell over him and…

“I’ve heard people talking. I’ve heard Ian talking,” Alaina nodded.

Oh…maybe she didn’t cast a spell. Wait, Ian talks about me?!

“What do you mean?” I asked.

That’s right, play it cool, Smith. She’ll never know.

“You’re kind of hard to miss. Everyone loves you,” Alaina shrugged.

Everyone but Ian, bitch. No, wait, I’m meant to be trying to be nice. Gah. So I just shrugged.

“Are you enjoying tour so far?” I asked.

“Yeah, all the bands are amazing! I’ve only heard LostProphets play live a couple of times, so to hear them and The Blackout and Young Guns is pretty fucking awesome. It’s easy to see how much you love what you do,” Alaina smiled.

I couldn’t help but smile back. Maybe she’s not such a bad girl after all for a man-stealing harpy.

“I’m glad you think so. It’s pretty fucking sick, right? There’s always something fun to do,” I mused.

Like perving on hot half-naked Ian men. Alaina opened her mouth to reply, but then she frowned, looking over my shoulder. I turned my head too, seeing Ian walking toward us, looking a little irritated.

“Hey babe, what’s up?” Alaina asked, smiling.

“Nothing. What are you two talking about?” Ian asked, frowning.

He doesn’t want me talking to her, does he? He doesn’t want me talking to her in case I poison their special little relationship. Well guess what, Watkins! I’ll do whatever I fucking want.

“Sean and I are just getting to know each other, that’s all. I thought you wanted me to make friends on this tour,” Alaina said, cocking her head in challenge.

Well she’s got fire, I’ll give her that. Ian just gritted his teeth, before forcing a smile onto his lips.

“Fine. I was just coming to find you to say that Gustav and Fraser don’t believe that you can out drink them, and that they’ve challenged you to a whisky shooting competition,” Ian told his girlfriend.

“These little boys never learn,” Alaina sighed mockingly, “are you coming Sean?”

Okay, I wasn’t expecting that. What is she playing at?

“Uh sure, I’ll just go and grab my hoodie first,” I nodded, trying to keep the confusion out of my voice.

Alaina smiled and pecked Ian’s cheek, before walking off. Before I could leave, Ian put his hand on my shoulder, stopping me. Fuck, I remember when I used to dream about him touching me. Now…now I don’t know what to think.

“What are you doing?” Ian hissed.

I raised an eyebrow at his tone of voice. “I’m actually trying to get to know the girl you chose over me,”

Ian winced. “Don’t act like this, Sean,”

“Or what? You’re going to break my heart all over again?” I retorted.

Come on Sean! Stop getting so emotional! You're stronger than this!

“Sean,” Ian sighed.

I bit my bottom lip, looking away from him briefly.

“I’m trying to stop myself hurting, okay? By getting to know your girl, I’m hoping I can figure out what I did wrong and stop hurting over it,” I said softly.

I looked back at Ian, only to see him looking at me like I just curb-stomped a puppy. I don’t get it.

“Why are you doing this to me?” he whispered.

“Doing what?” I frowned.

I’m trying to be the bigger person here.

“This,” Ian whispered.

Before I could ask him what the fuck he was talking about, Ian’s hand cupped my face. I gasped when his thumb rubbed my cheekbone, tingles soaring through my flesh. W-What is he doing?

“I-AN! Your girl is starting to kick Fraser and Gustav’s asses!”

Ian dropped his hand from my face at the sound of Snoz’s voice, and he stepped back slightly. I swallowed heavily, not understanding the look of longing on his face as he walked away. Why…why was he looking at me like that if he ditched me for the vampiric home-wrecker Alaina? Why did he cup my face like that when he can quite easily do it to her?

I don’t understand.

Unless…he still wants me. Unless he isn’t over me and something inside him is trying to crawl out like some alien maggot baby and burst free! Okay, that’s a little nasty, even for me, but still. Maybe Ian hasn’t forgotten how he felt for me completely. Maybe I still have a chance.

Fuck Operation Healing. Operation Make Ian Love Me Again is now in full-fucking-force.
♠ ♠ ♠
Okay, so Kristen asked me to write the next chapter because she's been so busy.
Like crazy busy.
I'm hoping I didn't ruin Sean for you guys.
I'll admit, it was kinda weird to be writing from his point of view!
But oh well, the story's back in motion!
Next update will be some time next week.

Sorry for making you guys wait so long.
Forgive us?
xo