The Dating Rules of a Record Label

"Umee..."

"Nope don't talk Kaya…" Yumi sings, typing out an email to Oliver on her laptop. Her typing is quick and soft. I envy her because my typing is just dull. Heck, a monkey can do better than me.

"Ut Umeee..." I whine. I'm sitting up, propped up by pillows on Yumi's bed. Yumi looks at me and smiles.

"You look like the r-word."

"Huh? wetarded?" I stiffly move my face.

"Yeah...oh don't bring your chin down, saliva is running down!" She laughs and grabs a cloth and wipes my chin.

"Ewwww!" I kick around.

"Hey chick beauty hurts!" Yumi laughs. The thing is she forced me to do it. I didn't want to.

"Ut I ike ma teeth!" I swat the cloth away...even though I DO have saliva collecting at the corners of my mouth.

"I know but you'll like it more when your teeth are one shade whiter! Kaya you know better to not drink teeth staining beverages!"

I roll my eyes. I hate teeth whitening strips! The gel feels weird and I hate just feeling paralyzed with the dentist-like taste in my mouth.

'Dis is ma farst nd last ime oosing deese!" I snap at Yumi.

"They're not that bad!" Yumi replies, "I use them all the time." She swivels around in her desk chair.

'At isxplains wi you're razy!"

I really hate these gross whitening strips. Dougie wouldn't care! I think we'll both be focusing on each other’s lips...not our teeth.

Unless you're Yumi. When she kisses, she likes to have that French kiss where she caresses her make out buddy's teeth with her tongue. She told me this when we were accidently drunk last week and I just happen to remember because I'm smart like that.
Anyways, the crap gel teeth stuff is not going to work me for me. I'll stick to toothpaste since the gel makes me gag. It's like getting braces all over again!

"Kaya are you done with the hair straightener?" Yumi calls from the bathroom to check if I'm in there. Obviously I'm not.

"Yeah! Hurry up I left it on for you! We're going to be late!" I run my tongue over my top teeth. They're extra sleek after that whitener.

"Are you on the computer?!" She yells back.

"Yes, hurry up! We got that meeting with the guys and some snooty music business people!"

Guys equal McFLY

I don't want to talk about why I, Kaya Sambora, must go to this meeting. It's already stressful enough when Dougie says Oliver won't let him see me until after this meeting.
I have a strong feeling I'll hate this gathering. This meeting...gosh it annoys me!
So while I wait for the beauty queen to hurry up in the bathroom, I surf the net, heading straight to the online tabloids of course. I don't know why I read them when I define tabloid as "LIAR-OID."

I head straight to the blog that all celeb bloggers hate:
BLOGWORTHY.COM

Oh what crap do I see in bold font? My name and my picture taken at a local food market. And you can see my underwear label wash tag sticking out from my pants. Joyful yes?

"She's back in the game again after no guys for a week! Kaya gets 'Up Close And Personal' with someone at a party. So perhaps it's goodbye William and bonjour...who? But don't worry..."

And BLAH BLAH BLAH! All complete crap.

Except I did get quite close to Dougie earlier this week at that party. Almost got in his pants until Yumi totally ruined the moment. And ahem...feeling.

Darn girl!

I exit out of the computer and invade Yumi's space in the bathroom. She's straightening her hair and making it sex-ified so people will think she got out of bed after a night of casual sex (Which she'll never do...I think).

I sit on the bathroom counter and stare at the random Q-tips. I laugh because they remind me of when I was five. My mother would clean my ears after my bath and the Q-tip tickled me! It also felt good.

I smile and grab one and stick it in my left ear.

"Dude what are you doing?" Yumi stops midway straightening her hair. If she keeps it there any longer, the hair will burn. Ha...that would be funny.

"Playing," I reply innocently. I even put on my innocent look.

"With Q-tips?" Yumi asks, giving me the weird stare.

"Yup." I giggle because it tickles, "it tickled me!"

Yumi rolls her eyes and continues to fix her hair, "Whatever, don't get any ear wax on the counter.

Ew...

I'll put it in her hair...

"Hehe...it feels good too! Having a Q-tip in your ear, swinging it around, feels so good you want to close your eyes! HA!" I laugh, "It's orgasmic!"
****

Why are conference rooms always arctic freezing? I don't remember ever having been in a warm conference room. But apparently my dad has been in one.

Yeah he said he was alone with a groupie...and after that I lost all interest in my father's story.

ANYWAYS! Ahem...sorry. I got to get that thought out of my mind...

Okay so I'm in a conference room and it's full of "important people."

"So we all know why we are here correct?" Oliver announces. Dear god it's like we're all in on one big secret.

"Yeah yeah yeah...Dougie and Kaya hooked up the other night," Tom yawns. It sounds like it was a bad thing....Harry hits him on the shoulder. "Ow...what did I say?" He mumbles.
I'm blushing like mad and Dougie (we were separated once I entered the room- gosh they think the moment we see each other we're going to go immediately at it like dogs!) is slightly grinning like an evil (cute) school boy. I try to suppress my stupid girly giggling.

"We are here because we need to discuss the precautions of Dougie and Kaya...erm dating," An older man said in a business suit.

Oh yeah like we're not here?

Damn this is going to be hard if I don't explain each and every person in this cold and cramped room.

KAYA'S CATOLOG OF SHIPS
(IN REALITY IT'S A CATOLOG OF PEOPLE)
(IT'S AN ENGLISH NERD THING)

McFLY's people-

There is the press officer (short male version of Prince minus the makeup but with cute Prada heels). I don't know his name so we'll call him Prince. Prince manages the press exposure of anything McFLY. He needs to be at this meeting regarding my feelings for Dougie just in case the press gets feisty about our relationship IF AND ONLY IF the public finds out I've been snogging Dougie Poynter.

New Media Manager (he or she- can't tell- looks like Cher. We'll call him Cher!) Cher manages anything McFLY on the internet. So bloggers...starting rumors eh? Be warned- Cher has some muscles!

Then there's the managing director and studio manager and producer- Oliver invited them because he knows I'll sneak into any studio just to hang with Dougie. Why should he worry about me? It should be Yumi to worry about- if Danny doesn't make a move on her soon, she'll just do it herself and put her tongue down his throat unexpectedly.

Then there's Oliver. The sweet bastard (not really) not only invited himself but he arranged it all! And did you know Oliver looks a lot like Adam Brody? And Oliver brought his personal assistant- Nae. Now really she's a sweet girl but must we invite her? She's too quiet!

And of course- McFLY's lawyer! He looks like Donald Trump. And his toupee is on backwards. Then there's the agent- he helped put together the band. The agent arranged the boys' performances- just like a model agent! Then there's the tour manager. Larry had to come because he's involved in the tour (duh!) and of course- I might be around…but that doesn’t make sense because there’s that no-girl-on-the-bus rule.

I begin to eye flirt with Dougie while we young, cool, hip people wait for the oldies to shut up. Dougie is wearing a simple tee, jeans and a beanie. I look at his side jaw because I want to kiss it...

RAGING HORMONES!!!

"Hey you paying attention right girl?" Karlie whispers to me. I jump back to reality.

"Yeah...what are we talking about?" I smile in a dorky way.

Karlie smiles, "Just old music people crap."

KARLIE. She is my long time manager. She gives me good career advice when I get stuck in a dilemma of rumors and appearance decisions and makes my lovely busy schedule. She's usually wish me (except in Barbados- I told her to catch sun in Hawaii) there to back me up as I face the world. She also helps me clean up my messes- reputation and kitchen alike. And when I'm surrounded by paparazzi, she drives and she's the one pulling me gently but strongly by the arm through the crowds. She also says 'no comment' with the bark of a pit-bull on steroids when my voice is drowned out by the flashes and yells. She observes my interviewers and rates the toughness of my critics, preparing me for battle, which I always must fight along in the end.

Then there's my nerdy accountant. I have no clue why he's here but nonetheless he's part of the KAYA'S CREW OF COOLEST LOSERS. His name is Carter. He's in charge of my money, my parents' money, heck the whole Sambora family money. He watches what enters and leaves my bank account...constantly. Who needs watch dogs when you have Carter around? I only have contact with him when more $5,000 U.S. dollars leaves my bank account after one withdrawal. And he's there with me to receive my major earnings- the ones I get for doing guest appearances on shows, cosmetic advertising and commercials, or sometimes even movies. I've only been in two teen comedies so...

My lawyer- John. I rarely talk to him unless I go through contracts. If I want to do something really stupid but totally awesome, I have to ask him if it's legal first. So far, I haven't gotten any of my daredevil goals accomplished.

My long time agent: Galen. He books my appearances on film, television, and in magazines. He's second in command to career guidance. First is Karlie and I always go to Yumi before everyone else. Galen lives in LA, New York, Miami, and Paris. Not in England yet but he's thinking about buying a flat here since I'm living here in London now. But part of it is to be near Karlie. Galen told me he thinks Karlie is sexii. Yes...with two i's.

I don't need a personal assistant. Galen does! I can get my own coffee or tea. Although I'll need Karlie to pick up some crisps for me sometimes. And besides, I got Yumi! She's my PA and I'm her PA. When I'm going on one of my unnecessary adventures without her, I'll hear her British voice in my head saying "dude you better not be stupid without me!"

And finally- my spokesperson at Human Resources- Natasha. She is the very first bitch tabloids deal with before getting to me. If there's a rumor a tabloid makes, she'll call them and trust me- no one wants to receive that call. And she also helps me with what I have to and want to say when I get interviews. She personally trained me on what and what not to say to a journalist. And so when there's something said or written about me, she knows it, and quickly notifies me for the truth.

"Get ready for the rules," Yumi whispers.

"Rules? What rules?" I ask. Since when are there rules to dating that involves people NOT in the relationship?

Prince begins speaking, "A couple of years ago we, as in the Record Company, came up with rules regarding our artists dating. These rules were made to protect the artist and their erm...lover."

HA! That's funny.

"Kaya with these simple rules, you and your image will be safe along with Dougie, his image, and the band's as well." Oliver adds.

"Yeah they're right," Karlie says.

She say whaaaaat?

She adds, "We don't want all this to become a scandal if tabloids create rumors which could make you two turn against each other."

Smart cookie.

"Quiet and careful are the key words here." McFLY's lawyer says. Ha! He sounds like Donald Duck! I look at Dougie. He mouths "careful" and rolls his eyes. Careful is clearly not in his dictionary. I smile and lean back in my chair. Everyone is looking at me. Why? They should be looking at Dougie.

"Fine, bring on these rules then."

The Rules

Think Secret Agent Behind-the-Scenes Quietness

1. There is absolutely no exception to the public display of affection. There is no hand holding, snogging, hugging, flirting, etc. And do not feel each other up underneath a table either. If there is an event that requires hugging, make the body touching that I know you both love extremely short and to a minimum. Less than three seconds is preferred. A nice pat on the back is encouraged instead of a hug actually.

2. No making comments to any form of media about each other; unless it promotes each other’s image in a positive way.

3. If attending the same function (gig, award ceremony, premiere, etc), you must come at different times, and being present in different areas of the vicinity.

4. If speculation of a romance arises, question “how” or “why”, act like the questioner has gone mad and then laugh, smile politely and deny any romance and lead on to another subject.

5. When visiting each other, keep a low profile when going to each other’s places of residence. You must look like you’re not famous. And no going out on dates. You may only see each other behind closed doors. Blinds are preferred.

6. If you are going to see each other, let your managers know.

7. If you take pictures with each other, don’t put them online in email or MySpace (which most likely you don’t have). To get them developed, give them to a PA and have them go to a trusted photographer to develop them.

8. Do not get in the way of each other’s career.

9. An average of three paparazzi are usually stationed by a celebrity’s home so no sleepovers. And if there are sleepovers, please, use protection. We don’t want an 18 year old socialite actress pregnant and a 20 year old musician becoming a father. Plus, we don’t want a disease to break out now do we?

10. Keep your relations with each other’s family and friends limited or quiet. The media are experts at connecting dots. Keep your family and trusted close friends quiet…or simply don’t tell them at all about your romance.

All of us at the Record Label of Universal-Island Records hopes your relationship will last and be a lifetime to remember!

"Those are erm...wow," Dougie tries not to laugh. I'm too busy blushing. Those were embarrassing! Especially rule number nine. Yumi is in an annoying fit of giggles.
"That was interesting," I gulp. And the oldies are being totally serious about this.

"We just want you to be safe." Karlie and Oliver agree together.

"During what?" Danny snickers with Yumi.

I try not to laugh as Tom hits Danny's head. I stretch because I feel air restricted around all these people in a small room.

“I feel loved," I smile, trying to be mature. It's not working because I want to laugh so badly.

"Rules suck...sorry Kaya no sleepovers!" Dougie smiles.

All of us young, cool, hip people laugh our ass off, including Oliver and Karlie.

"Okay well before you two go and break any rules right away like I know you will," Prince says, "Sign the rule papers. It proves you read them."

"It's not even a contract!" I complain.

"Yes but in business terms- if you and Mr. Poynter break up, we don't want to get the blame."
"Aw dude I gotta sign it? We just got back from a sign and Meet N Greet today!" Dougie whines.

************

"What rule to break?" Dougie asks, kissing me on the lips.

I crave more!

"Well...we snuck out of the lunchroom, full of music industry insiders, my people, and your people. Plus the people who make too many rules..." I kiss him quickly, "and we're doing some major public display of affection," I smile. Dougie puts his hands around my waist as I lean against a wall.

"We should break more," Dougie continues to kiss me. It eventually leads to this huge make out session I've been craving for days. And I'm not describing it because there's no need to. Picture it for yourselves.

"We should get lost," I whisper, trying to be quiet but I'm constantly giggling because Dougie keeps making James Bond sound effects as we kiss all along the hallways.

"Where to?" Dougie kisses me as I begin to walk backwards. I pray there aren't stairs behind me.

"Anywhere?" I guess.

"Yeah-"

Then Dougie breaks the kiss as we hear a door at the far end of the corridor open.

"Hide!" I whisper, "In the janitor's closet...."

"Oh fun!" Dougie pinches my arm with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Dougie no sex in a janitor's closet!" I open the door.

"Fine," Dougie sighs.

"But I'm totally molesting you," I quietly laugh as Dougie begins to kiss me again.