you're still an innocent

My heart was in my throat as I listened to the Russian's celebrate. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't how the game was written out. Going up 3-0 in a game and collapsing in the 3rd was not what Canada had expected. Nothing about this made sense. None of it.

I peered out onto the ice and saw Ryan with his head resting on his hands that held his stick. Tears filled my eyes as he looked beyond dejected. This was his tournament. He was Captain of it. He dominated it. He got hurt so many times in this game, but came back for more. The Russians stole everything from him. They stole his heart and stomped on it right in front of him. Everything about this shattered me.

I stood up and cheered as loud as I could for him as he won one of the tournament MVP's. i tried so hard to scream out for him, but my throat was so brittle, I couldn't even whisper for him. It was pathetic.

It wasn't the result I cared about, it was him. For a team that wasn't even supposed to make the gold medal game, they fought back from their underdog title and made it this far. That 3rd period is one of those moments that isn't supposed to happen, and you can't wrap your head around it. I just wanted to scream.

Ryan skated up to get his medal, I could see the tears in his eyes, causing more of mine to fall. He grabbed his medal and skated away. He didn't put it on. I questioned his actions at first, but I don't blame him for it right now. He finally put it on, but you could tell it was like he was removing a dagger from his heart as it sat around his neck. I just wish he could see, he still shined brighter than any of those Russians. All of them did.

The arena was slowly getting emptier and I still sat in my seat. The tears were falling harder than my chest could keep up with. I stared at the empty rink, the sheet of ice that saw so much hurt, anger, bittersweetness. I didn't want to believe this was real. It wasn't real. It couldn't be.

"Ally, honey ..."

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, it was Ryan's mom. I sniffed back more tears as I tried to act like I was okay. She could see right through it, ever since I was little, she read my mind.

"I can't face him. I don't want know what he's going through. He was bad enough last year ..."

"I'm sure the only person he wants to see right now is you. There's nothing that can be said. Let him cry, let him be quiet. Just be there for him."

After grabbing my courage, I finally got out of my seat and down towards the dressing room. I waited outside the dressing room for him. I could hear the Russian's celebrating at the other end. It pierced my ears as I tried to draw them out.

I held my breath as some of them began to walk out. I kept my head down and waited for them to walk past me. I don't think I could deal with so many sad faces at once. it was hard enough to deal with my own. It was like a silent death march. None of them talked. Few of them acknowledged me.

Finally I felt him near it. It was like an instant reaction. Like my body was magnetized to him. I drew in a sharp breath as I finally looked up at him. If his face couldn't break the heart of sinner, I don't know what would. His eyes were beyond puffy and he was still sniffing back his tears. Here it comes again, that river of emotions in my chest.

"Ryan ..."

"I'm so sorry."

Why was he apologizing to me?

I took a step closer to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. His body was shaking against mine. His head fell onto my shoulder as he deeply sighed. My fingers found their way into his hair as I kissed his neck gently.

"You made me so proud. Don't forget that."

He didn't respond. But I didn't care. He didn't have to. His tears explained what his heart really felt.