Status: not done
you're still an innocent
two
Ryan's parent's came down and tried to tell him encouraging words, but he just wasn't buying it. He took off his medal and gave it to his mom, muttering something like "put it with the other failure". His words were killing me. I wish he could see how amazing they were.
The ride was silent back to the hotel. Even though Windsor was close, we stayed the extra night. Ryan kept his eyes out the window. I kept trying to figure out what I could say to him. But I knew he needed time. Nothing could help him feel better.
I led the way to the hotel room. He was obviously rooming with someone on the team on another floor, but he said he didn't want to deal with that right now. I had a room to myself and of course, I wasn't gunna leave him alone right now.
As I slipped the card key into the slot and opened the door, I realized Ryan wasn't behind me. I gazed down the hall and saw him standing there in the middle, starting at nothing. This was exhausting. What else could I do?
I walked back down the hall and stood directly in front of him. His eyes were frozen, but they remained puffy. I cupped the side of his face, but he didn't budge.
"Ryan ... please ... don't do this to yourself."
"Ally ... we lost ..."
"I know that. I know it hurts right now. It feels god-awful. Maybe you should just lie down and try to sleep. No media, no reminders. Just me. I'll be there. I'm not going anywhere."
Finally his bright eyes found mine and my heart sunk, it wasn't a look he gave me before. He nodded slightly and followed me back to the room. As soon as we got in, he sat on the edge of the bed motionless. I got on the bed and sat behind him, wrapping my arms around his neck as I rested my chin on his shoulder.
"I wish there was something I could say." I whispered.
He nuzzled his nose into my arm and sighed, "I just feel like I let you down, more than anyone else."
"Ryan, you could never let me down. You could've lost that game 7-0 and I would've still been proud of you." I replied as I kissed his neck again, "There isn't a moment that goes by where I'm not proud of you."
"That is ..." he sighed, "good to know."
"Just please don't beat yourself up. I can't afford to lose you like I did last year."
His body tensed up, remembering that had happened that January night, a year ago today ...
---------------------
"Ryan, I am so proud of you."
"I have nothing to be proud of."
"Yes you do."
"I fucking don't, okay?" He yelled at me. "This is the biggest smack in the face I have ever gotten. A medal for losing? That's pathetic. Now it's gunna sit there and remind me of every little fucking mistake I made tonight. How can you be proud of that?"
"Well, I was proud of you before you acted like a child!"
"Fuck this. I don't need you."
I paused a stared at him. I knew he was angry, but was that needed? My heart collapsed in that second.
"Ryan ..."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."
"Well you said it."
"Ally ..."
"Fuck you, Ryan. Don't ever talk to me again."
----------------------
That didn't last long, two weeks later, he begged for forgiveness. I took him back. I loved him too much to let a little medal get between us. It wasn't enough to justify what we meant to each other. People get angry and say stuff we never dare of. That was the lowest point in our lives. The first night we truly screamed at each other. We've been more stronger since then.
"That won't happen." Ryan muttuered. "I won't let it happen. The only person I want right now, is you. You've been there for me. Through all my other gold medals, and my two memorial cups. I love you."
"I love you too, Ry."
I honestly killed me to see him like this. He lived to play for Team Canada. After all the years of everyone saying he was too small to be a hockey player, he already had three gold medals, two silver, and two memorial cups. I was so proud of him. He was my best friend before anything else. We've known each other for so long. Now I couldn't imagine my life without him. I wanted to marry him. I really did.
"We should try and get some sleep." I suggested to him after another moment of silence.
He agreed as I got off the bed and pulled the covers down. He kicked off his shoes and shirt as I took my uggs and hoodie off. I crawled into the bed and he came up behind me. His body was pressed up against my back and I felt comfort again as his arm wrapped around my waist. He kissed my shoulder gently before I shut the light off and buried my nose into the pillow.
Someone come and save this boys life, I can't do it on my own.
The ride was silent back to the hotel. Even though Windsor was close, we stayed the extra night. Ryan kept his eyes out the window. I kept trying to figure out what I could say to him. But I knew he needed time. Nothing could help him feel better.
I led the way to the hotel room. He was obviously rooming with someone on the team on another floor, but he said he didn't want to deal with that right now. I had a room to myself and of course, I wasn't gunna leave him alone right now.
As I slipped the card key into the slot and opened the door, I realized Ryan wasn't behind me. I gazed down the hall and saw him standing there in the middle, starting at nothing. This was exhausting. What else could I do?
I walked back down the hall and stood directly in front of him. His eyes were frozen, but they remained puffy. I cupped the side of his face, but he didn't budge.
"Ryan ... please ... don't do this to yourself."
"Ally ... we lost ..."
"I know that. I know it hurts right now. It feels god-awful. Maybe you should just lie down and try to sleep. No media, no reminders. Just me. I'll be there. I'm not going anywhere."
Finally his bright eyes found mine and my heart sunk, it wasn't a look he gave me before. He nodded slightly and followed me back to the room. As soon as we got in, he sat on the edge of the bed motionless. I got on the bed and sat behind him, wrapping my arms around his neck as I rested my chin on his shoulder.
"I wish there was something I could say." I whispered.
He nuzzled his nose into my arm and sighed, "I just feel like I let you down, more than anyone else."
"Ryan, you could never let me down. You could've lost that game 7-0 and I would've still been proud of you." I replied as I kissed his neck again, "There isn't a moment that goes by where I'm not proud of you."
"That is ..." he sighed, "good to know."
"Just please don't beat yourself up. I can't afford to lose you like I did last year."
His body tensed up, remembering that had happened that January night, a year ago today ...
---------------------
"Ryan, I am so proud of you."
"I have nothing to be proud of."
"Yes you do."
"I fucking don't, okay?" He yelled at me. "This is the biggest smack in the face I have ever gotten. A medal for losing? That's pathetic. Now it's gunna sit there and remind me of every little fucking mistake I made tonight. How can you be proud of that?"
"Well, I was proud of you before you acted like a child!"
"Fuck this. I don't need you."
I paused a stared at him. I knew he was angry, but was that needed? My heart collapsed in that second.
"Ryan ..."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."
"Well you said it."
"Ally ..."
"Fuck you, Ryan. Don't ever talk to me again."
----------------------
That didn't last long, two weeks later, he begged for forgiveness. I took him back. I loved him too much to let a little medal get between us. It wasn't enough to justify what we meant to each other. People get angry and say stuff we never dare of. That was the lowest point in our lives. The first night we truly screamed at each other. We've been more stronger since then.
"That won't happen." Ryan muttuered. "I won't let it happen. The only person I want right now, is you. You've been there for me. Through all my other gold medals, and my two memorial cups. I love you."
"I love you too, Ry."
I honestly killed me to see him like this. He lived to play for Team Canada. After all the years of everyone saying he was too small to be a hockey player, he already had three gold medals, two silver, and two memorial cups. I was so proud of him. He was my best friend before anything else. We've known each other for so long. Now I couldn't imagine my life without him. I wanted to marry him. I really did.
"We should try and get some sleep." I suggested to him after another moment of silence.
He agreed as I got off the bed and pulled the covers down. He kicked off his shoes and shirt as I took my uggs and hoodie off. I crawled into the bed and he came up behind me. His body was pressed up against my back and I felt comfort again as his arm wrapped around my waist. He kissed my shoulder gently before I shut the light off and buried my nose into the pillow.
Someone come and save this boys life, I can't do it on my own.