you're still an innocent

When I woke up the next morning, I realized Ryan wasn't in our bed. A small panic fell over me until I heard the shower running in the bathroom. Last night flooded me like a tidal wave and my heart sunk into the pit of my stomach. I still couldn't believe it happened.

Suddenly Ryan appeared from the bathroom. He looked every ounce as sad as he did last night. He wore black team canada sweatpants and a grey v-neck t-shirt. I mirrored his sad expression as he sat back down on the bed. I reached over and grabbed his hand, rubbing circles on his palm with my thumb. I felt a smile on my face as he reacted to my touch by pulling my hand closer to him.

"Ryan ..."

"Shh, I don't want to talk about it right now." He replied before he swallowed a lump in his throat, "it's bad enough going home to face everything."

"I know that. Just ... fuck what everyone says." I spat out as his eyes turned to me in shock, "you didn't let anyone down. You were the one out there, not them. Most of them want you to win for bragging rights, now that you lost, you're useless to them. It's pathetic."

"You have no idea how much I needed to hear that."

I pressed my forehead to his gently as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, "It's the truth. I don't want you beating yourself up okay?"

"I won't."

"You should probably go talk to the boys before you all leave." I suggested as he sighed, "win or lose, you're still their captain, they still need you."

"Okay. I'll meet you downstairs once you're ready." He agreed as he pressed his lips into my forehead.

As he left I headed for the shower. The warm water surged my freezing body as I put shampoo into my hair. I felt defeated. Even this killed me. I kept replaying that 5th goal Russia scored. The sound of their anthem pounded in my head and I couldn't erase it.

I got out of the shower and brushed my teeth and put my make up on. I weakly blow-dried and curled my hair. I was in no mood to look good. The room was empty and Ryan's suitcase was gone as I put my clothes on - a pair of black yoga pants and a white hollister hoodie with black uggs.

My phone vibrated on the other side of the room. I quickly picked it up, it was Ryan's mom.

"hello?"

"Ally?"

"Yeah?"

"How is he?"

"He's better than last year, but, he's still down in the dumps."

"Well, I figured that much. Where is he now?"

"With his teammates in the lobby. I'm going there right now."

"Okay, we'll meet you there."

"Okay."

I hung up my phone and zipped up my suitcase. I took another look around the room. This place was my haven for the last two weeks. So many memories I'd rather do without swarmed here since last night like a bad song in your head.

As I got downstairs all of the boys were there. All of them looked dejected. I couldn't bare to look at him. I checked myself out and headed over to the restaurant for breakfast. Ryan was probably in no mood to eat anything right now. Neither was I, but I ordered myself a fruit salad, tea, and a bagel. By the time my food came, I was in no mood to eat it. I picked at it but ended up pushing it away. I was questioning if I was alive right now.

"Ally ..."

I looked up, that wasn't Ryan's voice. It was Curtis Hamilton. He had dirty blonde hair, fair skin, black rimmed glasses and bright eyes. He was adorable. I had to give him that. We hit it off pretty well during the tournament. We both came from divorced families, and he kept getting torn between pleasing his mother and father during the tournament. I tried to help him make sure they both saw eye to eye.

"I'm sorry." was all that passed my lips.

"I feel like shit." he commented as he sat in the seat across from me.

"What did Ryan tell you guys today?"

"Not a lot. He was speechless. He said you gave him the best pep-talk, and you've been there for me during this entire tournament ..."

"What do you want me to say? How amazing you were, how incredible you all were? You didn't let anyone down. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You guys made us proud and if anyone has anything to say about that, then they're not worth your time."

His sad eyes found mine and he slightly smirked, "I could see how Ryan felt better after talking to you."

"I've been with him long enough to know what to say. I'm not lying either."

"I know. I'm gunna miss you."

I sighed, I knew goodbye was coming soon, "I'll miss you too. Who knows .... maybe if ..."

"What?" He eagerly asked me.

"If I got accepted into Simon Fraser, I could see you in Kelowna."

"You applied there?"

"Yeah, but don't tell Ryan, okay? He'll freak."

"I understand"

"Curt, we're ready to go."

Curtis turned towards me. I felt the tears forming in my chest already. We both stood up at the same time and he pulled me into a hug. My head rested against his chest as his body shuttered. It wasn't about the medal anymore. It wasn't about the loss. it was about leaving your family behind. That's what hurt the most.