Firedown Sun

"That's so sick!" Zarther said, cringing as he pondered the venom thing again. "Ugh, how could the leaders do that?"

We were walking home, and it was so quiet out I had to keep reminding him not to talk so loud. Resh, Hexa, Pharis, Tummel, Margolo, and Poppi had all headed into their own houses, so it was just Jaz, Zarther, Lune and I. We were halfway down Heavenlight Row, and it had gotten probably twice as cold. I kept drifting closer to Lune because of his radiating warmth, but I dragged myself back. Stupid, stupid crushes. They were so unbearably horrible. They made you think crazy things, like how nice it would be to be wrapped in Lune's hot, tender grasp.....

I blinked to keep the thought from settling into my mind as a possibility. No, I told myself. No, you are NOT going to become Lune-crazy.

Ha. Like I wasn't already.

"It really is horrible," Jaz mumbled, and it was the first time he'd spoken that night. "But tomorrow's the Fire Pit Ceremony, so the green pills might not be as nasty as the white ones. They might not try and kill us, because we all have something to sacrifice..."

"Oh CRAP!" I groaned, then closed my mouth. The Ceremony. "Lovely," I hummed unhappily. "Darn, I got to figure out what I'm going to sacrifice still."

"Hey, I can help you with that," Jaz said, and he was suddenly smiling. It was nice to see him smile. "I can bring something for you to burn. That way you don't have to choose something yourself."

With a shake of my head, I told him, "You'll get yourself in trouble."

"Like I'm not already for following you." He slowed just a bit and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Trust me. I'll give you the perfect thing tomorrow. After school, okay?"

I bit my lip, deciding.......

"Okay, sure. Thank you, Jaz. You're the best."

Zarther laughed, just a bit too loudly. I shushed him again, and he said a little more quietly, "Well, here's my house. I'll see you in the morning. Don't burn your house down, Kitten. See you, Lune. Jaz."

I waved him off, but I couldn't promise him anything. It was absolutely FREEZING. I might just consider lighting my wall on fire again... just for survival, of course. It took a few minutes for the heat blanket to kick on, so what could a little fire hurt?

Lune, Jaz and I walked down the street in silence, watching the moonlight stream down on the black pavement, shivers coursing through me every now and then. The guys noticed pretty much at the same time and turned to me, blurting out things too fast for my brain to comprehend.

"Whoa, Kitten, you're turning blue!"

"You should go straight home and drink some hot chocolate!"

"Oh my gosh, I can't believe I didn't notice before!"

"Here, this will help."

And then suddenly Lune was shrugging out of his coat, and he tried to put it on his I inhaled sharply, trying to push it away, but I couldn't help but feel pleased he wanted to do that for me.

"Don't," I mumbled, ignoring my brain's crazy satisfaction at his wanting to keep me warm. "My house isn't that far away-"

"You'll freeze before you ever get inside," he argued. "Wear the coat."

"I'm fine," I told him. "And besides, you'll need it. Your house is all the way back there anyway, isn't it?" I could see I'd caught him there, because his eyes flashed away guiltily. "Go home," I said, "And that's an ORDER."

"An order?" he laughed. "Since when did you actually take on the position of leader?"

I swallowed, still fighting the chills going up my spine and threatening to turn me into a freaking icicle. "Since now," I hissed. "Now GO HOME."

He took two steps backward, and I breathed out, thinking he would head off.

But as I turned around, he unexpectedly shot forward and wrapped his arms around me. The movement made me gasp, and then flames erupted across my skin. I felt Jaz's eyes on me, and that didn't help. But somehow I found myself hugging back. He held me to him, and I didn't want him to let go.

Even if, inside, I was screaming: You're an idiot, Kitten. How can you let yourself feel this way? You're so stupid.

Whatever. It wasn't like I could really control it anyway. If it had been up to me, crushes wouldn't even exist. But they did.

And I was being smashed to pieces by it.

"Good night, Kitten," he whispered in my ear, and his breath tickled my skin, increasing the amount of fire in my face. I was probably redder than the reddest cherry by now, and if my friends knew about it...... ugh, I wouldn't survive the next hour. They'd never leave me alone.

"Night," I mumbled back. As he pulled away, I fought the sadness that made my heart flutter and my fingers inch toward him. I stepped back, my teeth grinding together. Control, I told myself. CONTROL.

"See you, Jaz," Lune said, nodding his head in farewell torward my neighbor before turning around.

"Remember, the Ceremony's tomorrow."

I kept my eyes down as Lune told him, "I won't forget. Keep her safe, will you?"

My eyes fluttered up to stare at Jaz, but he just turned and walked toward the end of Heavenlight Row. I exhaled, glad for his company. If it had been anyone else, I'd die of humiliation.

Like Pharis. I sighed, staring up at the man-made moon. What sort of jealousy and hate would be fuming inside Pharis Cuppard.... if he knew?

"So, you get a good night's sleep," Jaz suggested, "and I'll give you your sacrifice after school."

I nodded, then smiled slightly. "You know, way back when, before the almost full-blown world destruction, there were weekends. You didn't have to go to school and you could do whatever the heck you felt like."

He lifted his gaze to the sky and accused, "How could you get rid of that?!" When I chuckled, he looked back down and grinned. "I'll see you at school, Kitten."

Groaning, I headed toward my front steps. "School. What a cruel invention." I threw a wave over my shoulder at Jaz Erewing, calling, "Thanks again for... whatever you're going to give me."

"No problem. You'd do the same for me, wouldn't you?"

I paused at the door, my fingers around the knob. I squinted at him, the moonlight lighting up his face while the rest of him lay in shadow. "Course I would. It just wouldn't be half as good as your own. I stink at creating anything, let alone something that means the most to someone."

"Well, you sure create a lure." My eyebrows raised, so he clarified, "You've caught Lune pretty well."

Blushing, I let my head drop so I could stare at the ground.

"You set yourself up for that," he crowed, laughing hysterically.

He was right, but I wouldn't admit it aloud. I just called out another goodbye and hurried inside. The door clicked shut a bit too loudly, but nothing in the house seemed aware of it. Dad was probably still testing the pills, and Mom must be in bed, recovering from her headache.

Slithering down to the floor, I sat there, numb. Had I really done something to attract Lune? I didn't think that was possible. I was the most un-alluring, Outcast, messed up girl in the city. So WHY would someone fall for me?

No. No, it wasn't true.

And yet my mind screamed, YES! It wanted me to be happy, wanted me to celebrate the fact I'd gotten what I wanted. I liked Lune, and now he must like me back. YES!

DID I really want that? Did I want any guy to feel for me that way? Pharis liking me was a bit uncomfortable, sure, but that was because I couldn't return the favor. Lune was.... Lune was different. He was.... attractive. Inside and out. His lure ran further than just skin deep. It was like he was just... meant for me.

I curled into a little ball by the door and squeezed my eyes shut. No. No, no one was meant for me. No boy could get stuck with me and WANT that. I was the worst choice for any guy.

But in one year I would have to get married anyhow. And the year after that, I'd be forced to have a child!

Imagine that. Me, married. Me, a mother.

I felt suddenly sick. I didn't want it! I wasn't ready for it!

I heard the slightest creak from the Private Room, and I thought about Dad and Mom. Had they been ready? Garran Zigbol and Avalinss... Avalinss Roygreen, once. Had she wanted or been ready to be called Avalinss ZIGBOL? To share the same house as Garran, my father? To bear me, her daughter?

I doubted that. I doubted any of us would ever BE ready.

And there, cocooning myself in dark silence, I came up with the plan that brought tears to my eyes and made me want to hate the whole world.

I wouldn't bring Lune into this mess. I wouldn't make him marry me.

I couldn't.

It would be the most selfish thing I would ever do to make him accept me.

And the pain was torture. It was crushing. It made me want to die.

But it was bearable. Somehow, I would survive this decision, because there was no other way. Not unless I wanted to be executed in front of the whole city. Not unless I wanted to make Lune suffer through everything I would put him through by having him near me every second of every day. Not unless I wanted my friends to go through that, too. I was always hurting someone somehow, wasn't I? By putting them in danger by just being stupid or by shoving them away because I was too selfish to have done it already. I should have already pushed Lune away. Because he'd fallen. And now he would have to pay the consequences for it. Loving me wasn't a party, nor was it reasonable. Lune would be hurt. So I would have to leave him, one way or another.

I didn't know anymore if I was crying because I couldn't bear to think of his pain, or if I was just horrified by the thought of having to let him go.

I must have fallen asleep there, because the next thing I knew I was in my room, tears dried on my face, as if it had been several minutes since I'd stopped, and my dad was walking out of the room. That made the tears fall again. He'd carried me to bed. He hadn't done that in years. He didn't even hug Mom anymore.

Maybe that had all been an act. Maybe all those hugs had been to encourage me to be just as loving toward everyone. Maybe it was just to create the illusion that we were a family and that we cared for one another. Or maybe we really did, deep down.

At this point, I really couldn't tell the difference between illusions and reality. It all seemed to play a part in my life. The illusion that I was like everyone else when really I was a sneaky, disobedient rebel. The reality that I was falling more and more for Lune Drumer, the Outcast genius, every day. The illusion that that relationship could work out. The reality that it would NEVER have a happy ending, and we would all be dreadfully scarred from it.

Better that than say we could get through it and then nearly die every day from the problems it would cause.

Lune Drumer. Lune, Lune, Lune....

The more I thought of him, the more stubborn I became. I couldn't let him love me. I couldn't let him even LIKE me.

I nearly burst out laughing when I thought of how strangely simple it would all be if he couldn't stand me. If Lune Drumer hated me, then this would be so much easier. I wouldn't have to face the possibility of hurting him, because he wouldn't want to be near me anyway. He would never want to see me again.

The tears stopped long before I was ready to go to sleep. So I just stared out my window and wished, randomly, that the world had never almost been destroyed. Then maybe, just maybe, things could have worked out for me and Lune. Monten ran just a bit too differently. There were no happily-ever-afters. The leaders made sure of that.

"I hate you," I murmured at the sky.

And if they heard me, I wouldn't regret saying it.

They deserved to know the truth.

*

I thought it would be rainy and dull when I opened my eyes. But my window gleamed with pure, beautiful sunlight. It blinded me for a moment, which was good. If I went blind, would that help things?

I snapped the lights on. They flickered for a few moments, like they weren't ready to turn on yet. That was when I realized I hadn't heard a Waking Song. I sat up slowly, staring out the window again. The sun was too low on the horizon, not quite reaching the point where it should be when I got up for school.

Since when did I get up EARLY?

Oh right. Since Lune became a huge part of my life... and I had to cut him out. Not entirely. But each tiny snip of the scissors would hurt just as much, if not more than the last.

Could it really hurt that much? I sighed, figuring it wasn't worth going back to bed. "What time is it?" I mumbled sleepily.

The robotic voice piped back, "Five seventeen in the morning."

"Oh......" I fumbled through my dresser drawers and pulled out a random T-shirt. Who cared what I looked like at the Ceremony today? I felt like crap, so would it really be that bad if I looked like it, too?

Forcing my half-unconscious body into the shirt and a pair of light blue jeans, I stared at the mirror section of my room.

And couldn't believe the sight.

I blinked, but it didn't make it go away. I stepped closer, trying to zip the fly of my pants. It had gotten stuck, and my fingers were too clumsy this early in the day.

Was I really that dreadful? My hair was a tangled mess, my eyes were red and puffy from crying throughout the night, and my cheeks.... there was no color. I looked like a corpse. I looked like the Living Dead.

Maybe I WAS dead. Maybe I'd died in my sleep. Was it possible to wake up after that? Maybe that was why I'd gotten up so early. Because I'd died.

Okay. I could settle for that.

*

"Good morning, Kitten. You're up really-" My dad's voice cut off as he turned to face me. "Oh."

I came down the last of the steps and waited patiently for him to finish the sentence. But he just kept staring, so I moved to my spot at the kitchen table. But there wasn't any food there. Course not. It wasn't even five thirty yet. I stumbled over to the wall and whispered hoarsely- I had to clear my throat several times to get any sound out at all- "I'd like a bowl of cherries, please."

I felt so weak. It was like I'd lost fifty pounds and was nothing but skin and bones. But I glanced down, too tired to realize it was stupid to make sure. Nope. Still normal. As normal as I'd ever be for the next few days, months, years...

"Cherries? That's all you're eating?"

I spun slowly. "Problem?" Again, I couldn't hardly get my vioice to work. What ELSE would be wrong with me today? Was I really just a ghost? Half-dead? A skeleton? I might as well be. I felt like I should just fade away, have never existed....

Dad nodded. "Yes, there's a problem. You need more to eat than fruit, Kitten." He licked his lips and scrutinized my face. "Something on your mind? Is that why you're up early? And why you're......." His gaze swept my whole body, head to toes, and sighed.

"What?" I leaned against the counter, wishing I really could just disappear. Wouldn't the world be better off?

Instead of answering, my dad came forward, extending his arms so suddenly I couldn't react to them. When I was surrounded by them, my throat started to burn. NO, don't CRY! I told myself. But it was useless. I'd been crying so much lately it was habit. The tears pooled over my cheeks, and I hugged my father back, never wanting to let go.

"It's going to be okay," he promised, rubbing the small of my back with one hand and rubbing his other hand up and down my spine. It was comforting and amazing. He should never have stopped his hugs. It was like a magic healing spell. I felt so much better.

"Will it?" I sobbed into his sweater.

"Yes. Of course it will, sweetheart."

Sweetheart. That opened the floodgates further. I was choking on my tears, drowning in them.

And then, too soon, he pulled away and whispered, "Kitten, one thing I've learned through my life is that you can't let things get you down. You may have a really bad day or you may think the world is going to end-"

"It will," I said. "I can't live without him, Dad."

He stil had one arm around me, still rubbing away at my shoulder-blades. "Without who, honey? That boy? The tall one?"

Ugh, how could he KNOW? I nodded, but the movement made me dizzy. Admitting to it was worse than hiding from it. "Yes, Lune. I..." My lips trembled. "I think I love him, Dad."

He pulled me in for another hug. "Well then you must be right," he reassured me, and the combination of his hug and his words made the world not so ugly and nasty for a few moments. "You just keep loving him. You never have to stop."

"But he doesn't... he can't..." I was the one to let go this time. "Dad, I'm not good for him. I'll hurt him, I'll make him suffer through everything I do. I'm the worst choice for any guy. No matter who it is, it'll be bad for them to be with me. So I can't do that to Lune. I CAN'T hurt him."

"But does he love you back?"

The question caught me off guard.

I couldn't figure out how to breathe right, and my lips quivered, my eyes glancing back and forth between my dad and the kitchen counter. Tears threatened to fall, and I could feel them burning the back of my throat. Finally, I managed to tell him, "I think so."

With that, I leaned toward HIM this time, instead of waiting for him to hug me. His reaction was simple. He grasped me tightly, whispering that it was all going to be alright and that I was probably right.

I was right?! He loved me?!

I couldn't help but feel like it wasn't true. It had only been what? A few weeks since Lune met me? And I'd been so cruel toward him the first few days, arguing with him and thinking he was just a genius Outcast, just some random kid I would never want to be friends with.

"He's got good taste in people to love," my dad said. "And that means he will stand by your side, Kitten, no matter what you do or say. He will love you through it all."

"Even if it could get him killed?"

He was stroking my hair comfortingly but stopped and pulled slightly away to look me in the eyes. Not even a moment passed when he told me, "ESPECIALLY then."

I thought about that, and it didn't sound like a lie. Even if my mind told me differently.

"Here's your cherries," Dad said, moving one hand away and resting the other at my waist. He reached to the bowl on the counter- I'd forgotten about eating completely- and put them into my hands. I glanced into the crimson mass of them, wondering if I was really that hungry anyway.

But I saw the expression my Dad wore, and I knew I had to eat to satisfy him. I popped three in my mouth, spitting the seeds back into the bowl and enjoying the lovely taste of them not able to really appreciate it. Ha. Not today. Not with so much on my mind.

Dad was still at my side, and he kept rubbing at my back until I'd finished every cherry, down to the very last. He personally handed the seed-filled bowl to the waiting wall, and it was swept away at his request. Then he murmured, "Oatmeal, please. Orange juice, too." He turned back to me. "You WILL eat every bite. And you WILL drink the juice until every drop is gone."

"Okay." I held my hands out while the clear dish of steaming oatmeal and glass of orange juice appeared, and Dad gave them to me immediately.

"Enjoy," he whispered, then let me sit at the table. "And then go STRAIGHT to the bathroom." I must have looked at him funnily, because he explained, "To make that melancholy face of yours to look cheerful and beautiful for the Ceremony. Even if you ARE, indeed, a truly gorgeous girl."

"No, I'm not. I'm just your daughter."

"Whoever said fathers couldn't think their daughters are beautiful?"

I shrugged, sipping some juice to wash the oatmeal down. It was surprising how fast I had wolfed it down, even though it scorched my tongue. The cool liquid helped simmer the burn down a bit. "How bad do I look?" I asked when both dishes were emptied of breakfast.

He appraised me closely, then scowled with a sad sigh. "Well, princess, you DO look rather horrendous today. Your hair is a mess, you look like you haven't slept in weeks, and your eyes...."

I flinched without meaning to. "As long as they're not black...." I whispered.

At that moment, my mother appeared in the kitchen, surprised to see me in my chair already. "You're early," she commented.

"No, really?" I wanted to say, but then I saw her silver gaze.

SILVER? What in the blazes? I moved toward her, saying, "Whoa, your eyes, Mom..."

She smiled, thinking I was complimenting her. "Oh, yes, aren't they lovely? I woke up and... ha, they were silver! Isn't it great! Do I look gorgeous?" She twirled around like a little kid, and my heart skipped a beat.

Dad and I were both staring, open-mouthed. But he recovered sooner than I did. "Yes, you look magnificent, Avalinss," he said, kissing the top of her head.

She giggled like a perky teenager on her first date. "Thank you, dear!"

They both turned to me, and I forced a smile, although it felt more like a grimace, to warm up my horrified expression. "You're stunning, Mom. However did you manage it?" The last part was choked a little, and I asked the wall for a refill of my cup, but for just water this time. When it came, I gulped it down, wishing I could take a potion that would knock me unconscious. Was this really happening?

"I don't know! I don't remember doing anything last night-"

"Maybe it's something in the water," Dad said, almost laughing.

Mom turned toward me, saw the cup in my hand and burst out in more childish giggles. "Oh, Kitten! Maybe you'll be like me today! Wouldn't that be amazing? You could be silvery and pretty like me! You DO need something to brighten up your face!" She suddenly took my hand, practically screaming, "I'm going to make you DAZZLING! Eyeshadow, mascara, lip-gloss, nail polish, too, maybe! What can I do with your hair? Let's put it in something different today, not that nasty side-ponytail. Oh, not that you don't look good with it. But we need something MORE today. How about in curls?"

"That'd be fine, Mom." And I followed her into the bathroom, turning when she wanted me to turn, closing my eyes when she told me to, and telling her I was okay even when she yanked harshly on my hair.

"What do you think?" she asked when she was finished.

I turned to face the mirror, and tears fell. I couldn't hold them back anymore. This was too much.

And she thought I was crying out of joy. "See, I told you you'd be great!"

"Yes. I look wonderful." The tears kept coming.

"Oh, don't cry, the tears will ruin my handiwork."

I wiped them away slowly. "Wouldn't want to do THAT, would I?"

Sarcasm really could be my best friend sometimes.