Firedown Sun

"Hey, Kitten, I love your hair."

"Kitten, you're looking dazzling today."

"Oh my gosh! Kitten, you look so gorgeous! Did your mom do your curls?"

I maneuvered through the crowd and smiled at those complimenting me but stayed silent. That was the whole point of the truth pills, right? Not to just say whatever was true. But to not say anything at all unless there was no choice to do otherwise.

Class after class, I felt Lune's eyes on me. I didn't know what he knew, and I wondered what Resh was thinking now. I didn't even know if she would tell the other Blazes or not. All I knew was I couldn't tell them anything. They wouldn't understand.

No. They just wouldn't allow it.

My decision to remain silent was squashed when I was cornered on the way to lunch. "Speak to me," Lune said, practically half a foot away, his eyes glowering at me and burning a bright green instead of a mix of turquoise and gold.

I flinched at the power in his voice, at the way he tried to force words out of me by standing so close. Truth came to mind before I had time to try and think of a lie, and sentences spilled from my tongue before I even knew what they contained.

"I'm really really sorry, Lune, but I won't be eating with you today. I need to do something important and you can't come."

I felt his pain because of my harsh words and I wanted desperately to take them back. But my throat closed and I couldn't.

Gosh, I hated those pills.

"Oh," he said. "Fine, then. I understand. You don't have time for me."

I gasped and grabbed his arm as he tried to turn away. He wouldn't look at me. "No, I do, I just... I can't be with you right... um, right now..." I stumbled over the words until I could no longer say them. But at least I'd managed to get my own voice into what I said, not the Spyder's venom from the truth pill. I hated thinking that I wasn't able to say what I wanted, but hey, at least I wasn't a bubbly, brainless robot like half the city.

He sighed. "I get it. Don't worry, I'll leave you alone."

"No, please, Lune, I-" But he was already walking away. And the pact to not cry again ruled over me. I held in my emotions, and my feet were also moving in an instant. Away from Lune. Away from his pain.

I guess the pills did more than control me. They hurt anyone else who thought you were supposed to be normal.

Wait a minute. I ran to the bathroom for the second time that morning and burst through the door. Two girls stared at me, two I didn't know that well. I thought the one brushing her short, black hair looked familiar, and the rose-shaped neckchain the blond one was wearing also struck my memory.

I faced the mirror before I could figure out their names and gasped. How had Lune not seen those eyes? Or had he just ignored them? No, he would have said something.

They were as midnight a black I'd ever seen.

I suddenly couldn't breathe. I was just like the others. A pill-swallowing, black-eyed monster.

The blond girl stepped beside me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Don't you worry, Kitten Zigbol. You're one of us. We'll protect you now."

Her eyes were just as ink-colored as my own. I gulped at them, trying to remember what color they used to be.

And abruptly, I remembered.

"Oh my gosh," I breathed. "You're..." I glanced between the two of them. "You were in the gang!"

The raven-haired one nodded. "Yes. Until recently. I don't know why we ever were."

Their names. Their names! My mind spun. And as I opened my mouth, I knew them.

"Kirtessa!" My fingers twitched toward the rose-chain girl. "Jestia!" The other girl nodded, placing her brush back in her bag.

"That's us. Puna and Hammil are the two others that left the group, right?"

I nodded numbly.

"I hear there's more in the group."

"Yes. A few." I squinted my eyes at the floor. "Um... Puna and Hammil... Do you know them well?" I choked on the question, but Jestia answered all the same.

"Yes. All of us Lights do. We're a group, just like you dogs." Jestia smiled gently at me. "But now that you're on our side, you're a Light, too."

I wanted to say, "No, I'm not, I'm a Blaze," but the words wouldn't come. Did that mean I'd left my own gang?

No. I'd find my way back if I had to die trying.

"Well, catch you later, Kitten," Jestia murmured. "Unless you're eating with us..."

I shook my head. "I don't feel all that hungry."

"Okay, see you, then."

"Nice seeing you," Kirtessa sang sweetly before she turned and followed Jestia out the door.

And I was alone again. Always alone. Did anyone care? Didn't anyone want to stay around, comfort me, help me?

I moaned at my self-pity. "Don't be stupid," I muttered to myself. "You don't need comfort. You need a BRAIN."

Ha. The truth pill apparently agreed, because I was allowed to say it. Unless of course, the effect was fading. Sorin said it would only last a few hours. So I needed to do what I needed quickly and without hesitation. I couldn't dawdle.

So I hurried to the School Head office. It made me sick to knock on the door, especially when I opened it and Leirre was there waiting for me.

"Ah, Kitten Zigbol. What a pleasure." He glanced up at my bandaged head, chuckling, making the nausea worse. Seeing him in a good mood dissuaded me excessively. I wanted to run out of there. But my feet stayed rooted to the floor, even if he offered me a seat.

"I need to talk to you," I stated, keeping my voice steady. Thank you, pill, for making it easy to speak the truth. Oh, gosh, now I was THANKING the Spyder venom? Great. What would I do next? Stand on my head and recite the Doctrine from memory? I shuddered slightly, but the Head didn't notice.

"Yes, of course you do. What would you like?"

"I need to leave early from the Singing Practice. That is after school, is it not?"

Leirre's brow scrunched together. "Yes... What's this emergency that calls you away?"

"Top secret, that's what. For my knowledge and mine only."

He nodded, as if that made perfect sense to him. He was suddenly staring straight into my eyes, and I knew he knew. Because his eyes got all bright and excited.

"You're the first one!" he congratulated. "Tell me, does it really force you to tell you the truth?"

I glared him down. "What do you THINK?!"

He just laughed. "Fine, then, as you were. You have my permission to leave early. Have a wonderful Ceremony."

Crap, the Ceremony. I still needed the sacrifice from Jaz. Oh well. That wasn't a part of the plan, but of course Sorin hadn't known about my decision to stay anti-sacrifice. I turned right around out Leirre's door, breathing out in relief that it had all gone well. Of course it had. Everything would work out perfectly. Sorin knew that. He was clever, that one.

I stopped to get a drink before I went to lunch. I really wasn't that hungry, which was fine, because Sorin told me to eat quickly and ALONE. So I ordered a cherry jelly sandwich and a juice box and got out of there.

But I was crossed by the Blazes in the hall. They all stared at me, stared at my eyes, and Zarther was the first one to speak.

"Whoa," was his first word. Intelligent. I ignored that thought, wondering if the pill was turning me into this self-conceited person who thought she was better than everyone else. I hoped not. Zarther was a good friend.

All eyes were on me. Zarther's mouth was hanging open, and he didn't seem to have the same disgust as the others, just complete shock.

"Nice one," Hexa said sarcastically. "What's your excuse, huh, Zigbol? Curiosity, or did someone FORCE you? Ha, I doubt that HIGHLY." But her eyes were just so full of grief and loss, and I remembered how she'd asked me earlier if I'd been keeping secrets. She probably thought now that I had been, and this had been it. That I was leaving the gang and becoming one of THEM.

I swallowed away the pain at that, noticing for a brief moment that Lune was not with them. That made it worse. I shook my head and said with bated breath, "No, I'm the guinea pig. It's not the same thing as what everyone else has. Sorry, guys. It was completely my-" Fault? Uh, hello, why wouldn't my lips move? Why was the word sucked away? It WAS my fault! A stupid pill couldn't deny me that fact. It was all my fault for being such a genius Outcast, a bold and idiotic rebel, and that's why everything was so messed up. But my throat closed and my lips sealed.

Hexa scoffed. "Yes, I'm sure. But you're not even Kitten, so why should I trust you? Your new name is Zigbol, and until you give my friend Kitten back, you won't be called otherwise."

Again, the words slapped me across the face and dug into my stomach and scorched me, like I'd been stabbed and run over a train and burned at the stake all at the same time. I winced, and she just walked away, toward the Eating Room. I wished I could follow her, wrap my arms around her and explain to her. But again, my throat was disobedient to my brain. I wouldn't be allowed to share anything.

Okay, now I REALLY hated those pills.

Resh came up to me and raised a hand to my face, like she was going to either punch me or pat my cheek. She did neither and just bent her head to stare at the ground. "Good luck," she whispered to me.

"Huh?"

She sighed. "Kitten. Not you. Sorry, should've specified."

I opened my mouth, then knew I couldn't say what I'd planned. "Um," was all I could mutter.

"See you then. To, uh, both of you," Resh murmured, then left, following Hexa with rushing footsteps.

Zarther came up to me, breathing out loudly in a huff. "So, this is it, then, huh? This, uh, pill, it's got you under control?"

"No!" I blurted, hissing, really. "It's a truth pill, Zarther. All it does is make me tell the truth and stuff like that. It doesn't CHANGE me."

"Are you really going to believe her?" Hexa cried from the Eating Room entrance.

Zarther looked back and forth between me and her, and came closer to me, placing his hands on mine, which were intertwined at my belly button.

Hexa stared, and I could tell she was getting really angry. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her everything, but she was right. Why should they believe me just because I said I took a truth pill? In her mind, that was a lie, especially because of my new eye color.

He sighed. "I believe Kitten."

"Zigbol," Hexa corrected stiffly. "She's one of THEM now."

"I won't be for long," I said before I could stop myself.

She squinted, and I had a feeling she would take the exact opposite idea with her, thinking I would never become a Blaze again.

Before she could walk completely away, I cried out to her, "I love you, Hexa! SO much!"

She waved me away over her shoulder.

Yes. Always being left behind.

Zarther stroked my wrist softly. "It'll be okay. I'll talk to her, I promise. She'll come around."

I nodded, and it was only my decision not to cry anymore that held the tears back. I'd promised myself, and I really didn't want to break promises.

Or maybe that was just the pill talking. Who was I now? Was I really who Hexa said I was, a brain-mashed, venom-controlled puppet. Zigbol.

Maybe when this was over, when I'd completed everything I needed to do and I no longer had black eyes and overruling honesty, I could change my name. Who knew if that was against the rules or not? Who really cared, anyway? I wouldn't; not when I'd completed the plan.

"Well, see you later... Kitten," Zarther murmured, then turned to follow the rest of the Blazes, who had already left me for lunch.

I didn't like how he hesitated before stating my name. It was almost like he was torn between believing Hexa and I. But he said he believed me.

Maybe not completely...

"See you, Zarther," I mumbled, then walked away, too.

I searched for a place to eat, feeling just as torn as Zarther's expression had appeared. I wondered what my face looked like to others, especially with my new feature. I was sure it stood out. Wouldn't black eyes be something practically everyone would notice? I wanted to lower my gaze as I wandered the halls, worried that someone would say something, like "Welcome to the Light gang" or something. I really didn't want to hear that.

I'm still a Blaze, I thought to myself. I won't leave them.

But that's what I was doing. RIGHT at that very MOMENT.

After all those times I'd felt abandoned by my friends, had I ever considered I might do that, too? Well, here I was, leaving them in the dust. Wonderful. Wasn't that what I wanted on my conscience?

Follow the plan, Kitten, just do what you have to do. Follow the path, I kept telling myself. I looked at the ground, as if it was marked by yellow bricks or flashing arrows telling me what to do. Sorin's instructions were burned into my brain, and all I had to do was think of his soft, urgent voice, and it all came to memory. I knew it by heart.

Leaving your friends is for the best, Kitten, I tried to encourage myself.

I didn't need the pills to know it was a downright lie. Deserting my friends would NEVER be the best thing to do.

It just happened to be completely necessary this time.

"Hey, Kitten," a cheerful voice called as someone passed by me. I would have just kept walking, but I thought I knew them, had heard that dry, mellow voice before. Although I thought it had been a bit less sweet beforehand. Which meant this person was drugged by the pill. But if I'd heard them before, it meant they were one of the old rebels.

Puna Slightgrass. I breathed out softly as I turned to face him, and his dark blond hair and joyous grin made me flinch. How could such a wonderful expression be haunted by those empty, black eyes?

"You're a Light now, too?" He sounded excited. "What set you on edge and made you leave the dogs? Not that I'm disappointed." He winked at me, and my stomach flipped in a sickening way.

I shrugged. "Guess I just had to leave," was all I could manage.

"Well, this is your first day?"

My eyes fell to the floor.

"That's a yes. Don't be embarrassed. Proxy will have you caught up with the way things run in no time."

He started to walk away, but my hand flew out in front of him. "Wait, Proxy?" My new, midnight stare cornered him against the wall. "What do you mean, she'll catch me up?"

"Well she's the leader of the Lights. Just like you were the leader of the dogs."

"Blazes," I corrected before I could stop myself. He didn't need to know that! Ugh, stupid, stupid pills!

Puna looked uncomfortable. "They're dogs no matter what THEY call themselves." When he saw the disgusted look on my face, he reassured me, "But not you. You're a Light now, so-"

"Whatever, Puna," I muttered, and he blinked at my anti-joyful remark. Oh, right. Being a Light today meant I had to be bubbly and over-friendly to everyone and on any subject. I sighed and added, "I still consider them my friends, you know. Even if they're not Lights."

Puna didn't like that. He scoffed and muttered, "If Proxy were here..."

"Well, she's not," I snapped, and I suddenly couldn't stop myself from being completely taken over my anger. "And so she won't be here to stop me from doing this!" And with that, I pulled back my fist and sent it toward his face with all the force I could manage. There was a second when my hand contacted his shocked face, the next he was sprawled on the ground, moaning in pain.

I stared at my own clenched fist, then down at his eyes, squeezed shut. But then they opened, and they were glowing teal, the black slowly fading away until they shone a brilliant blue.

"What the heck was that for, Kitten?"

I bent down beside him. "You offended my friends, and you just pushed me further and further off the edge... I'm sorry, Puna. I won't hit you again."

He rubbed his left cheek, laughing, "You've got a pretty solid punch."

"Thanks." Suddenly it occurred to me he should be stumbling around, confused and lost like Tummel had been. I inspected his face more closely, but there was no puzzlement or even the slightest trace of memory loss. His head tilted curiously as I stared at his face.

"What?" he asked. "Is there something wrong with my face I don't know about?"

"No, but you should..." I shook my head in bewilderment. "Maybe Tummel just had a messed up brain, I don't know."

"Why, what happened to him?"

"Resh hit him in the face with a shield."

Instead of acting repulsed by the mention of weapons, he burst out laughing. "That's awesome!" he cried, grinning from ear to ear. "Man, since when was Resh violent?" Then he lost the grin. "Oh, right. Since you started leading them..."

"Excuse me?"

"It's true, they're rebelling more now that you're leading them." But then he caught sight of my eyes, and he gasped. "No way, you're one of them, too?" Puna brushed his hair back with one hand, exasperated. "Man, do those pills get AROUND!"

"I just took one," I mumbled, as if that helped anything. "A truth pill. It forces me to tell nothing but the absolute truth. And yes, I look just like a stupid Light. But I'm not. I'm a Blaze."

"And hitting people in the face knocks it out of their system?"

"Exactly." I was still confused, though. Why wasn't Puna stumbling around like a deranged idiot? Why had Tummel been that way?

"Well, then." He twisted around, calling over his shoulder, "I've got some Lights to hunt down. Don't do anything stupid, Kitten."

I nodded, and then another question formed in my brain: why hadn't Puna hit ME, if he knew that would make me normal again? Was it because he knew I was only forced to tell the truth, and not turned into some messed up monster?

Too many questions. I groaned and was about to head down the corridor to find a place to eat lunch, and maybe cool down my confused mind, but at that moment, the announcement came for me to head to my next class.

"Really?" I complained under my breath. "REALLY?!"

"All students report to next class," came the robotic order over and over.

"Ugh, just shut UP," I hissed, then stuffed my lunch into my bag, next to Baine. I rubbed his metallic head briefly, then ran to class before the hall was filled with Lights and I had to avoid being stared at and congratulated for joining the gang. That was just frightening.

Or was it even the black-eyed puppets that scared me? Maybe it was just the thought of being caught by my friends. The Blazes. The rebels.

Hexa. I sighed at her name as it coursed through my boggled brain. That was all I needed to think of right now. She'd been so angry and so upset about me becoming one of THEM. Would she ever forgive me? Would she ever understand, after this was all over?

Just forget it, Kitten, I told myself. Just follow the plan. Follow the path.

It sounded more painful than it should be.