Mary Without Sound

7: So Much to Say, But No Words to Convey

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I hesitate, starting at the phone, picking it up, weighing it in my hands then placing it back in the receiver again.

I tap my fingers indecisively against the counter, chewing my lip as I think.

If I call, he might think something’s wrong.

He might not even know it’s me.

But I need to hear someone’s voice.

Someone that isn’t my therapist or the cashier at the grocery store, at any rate.

I dial a number, and it’s picked up after the third ring.

“Hello?” the voice asks on the other end.

I don’t reply, just wait.

“Hello?” Justin’s voice repeats, sounding slightly impatient. “Hell- wait. Mary? Is that you?”

I don’t feel like speaking yet, so I don’t.

“It is, isn’t it?” he asks.

I exhale in response.

Of course it’s me.

“Is everything alright?” I sigh again. Why does something always have to be wrong? A few more seconds of silence pass. “I’m going to take that as a no?” he asks. “Are you calling because you miss me?” he teases, and I shake my head at him. “Okay, fine. I see how it is. Don’t say anything if you miss Matt.”

If he could see me, I’d be flipping him off right about now.

“I’m kidding!” he insists. “I bet he misses you,” he adds, and I can just hear the smirk in his voice.

I feel heat creeping up my neck.

If I felt like it, I’d ask him if he knows about the letters.

But I don’t.

“Look, I have to go. It was nice…hearing from you?” he remarks. “Hah. Get it?” I roll my eyes. “Alright, not funny. Got it. You hang up first so I know you’re not mad. Bye.”

I hang up and go check the mail.

I smile when I see another letter from Matt inside.

I know it’s stupid, but it’s nice to see he hasn’t given up on writing me, especially since I don’t answer.

I like that someone hasn’t given up on me in general.

And fine. I’ll admit it. I miss them.

I take the letter to my room to read, settling myself on my bed.

I throw my pack of cigarettes aside.

I’ve been on and off craving them for the past few weeks.

Part of me just wants to throw them out completely, just so I can feel like I’m not dependent on anything whatsoever, even if I know it’s not true.

I put them in the back of my underwear drawer, because then I can pretend like I don’t need them but at least I know they’re there if I want them.