I just don't want to lose anything again

'you could be my hero, if only I could let go'

That was her favourite song. That was Ava's favourite song.

I didn't sleep. I didn't once close my eyes because every time I did, her beautiful face would appear. Her long flowing brown hair. Her clear green eyes. Her soft pink lips. Her rosy cheeks. She was perfect in every way.

I didn't want to close my eyes. I didn't want to blink. I didn't want any tears to fall.

"Marcus?" Lisa, my sister, said.

I sat up and saw her standing at the door.

"Lisa? What, what are you doing here?" I stuttered.

"I called her" Amy said, coming in behind her.

"Don't you have school?"

"Yeah, but I can take a few days off" she smiled weakly and wrapped her arms around me.

I felt comfort for the first time. I needed my family here.

"I'm so sorry Marcus. I'm so sorry. I know it must be tough for you" she sighed.

I just nodded. I didn't say anything because I felt like I was on the verge of crying.

She looked up at me. "Marcus. It's okay to cry. You'll feel better when you do"

"It won't Lisa. Crying won't make me better, it won't make anything better, and certainly won't bring Ava back"

But I couldn't hold it together anymore. I fell into the couch and broke down.

Lisa rubbed my back, and I felt like I was that 10 year old kid again, when my sisters use to babysit me.

"The last thing I said to her was that she gives me shit. She was driving, then ended up walking because she wanted to come and see me, to make things up" I sobbed.

"Marcus. You can't blame yourself for this. The truck driver spun out of control, there was no way he could have stopped" she comforted.

"She's dead Lisa! she's fucking dead! and it was all because of me! If I didn't lose my temper with her, if I just stayed with her, then she would still be here. She would be sitting here still smiling and laughing, and being the Ava that I love so much"

She sighed and hugged me.

"I love her, Lisa. She was my everything. If I could have made her mine, made her my wife forever, I would have"

"I know she meant a lot to you. She was something special. The whole family misses her too Marcus. Dad, Nick, Cara and me. We all miss her. She was part of the family. But do you think Ava wants to see you like this? to see you sulking here and forget about hockey and everything that you love to do?"

"I don't know what she would have wanted. She promised she would never leave, that she would be by my side forever"

"I know. I know. Why don't you take a nap. I'll make dinner, and I'll call you when it's ready" she suggested.

I nodded. I was getting tired. I didn't sleep at all last night, and crying was making me tired.

I walked to my room and plopped down on the bed. I've never cried this much before. Hell, I don't think I ever cried. I picked up the picture of me and Ava at my first game with the Sudbury Wolves. I was just a lanky teenager, and she supported me all the way.

I brushed my finger across her face. "I miss you". Those were the last words I said before slumber took over me.

*** 1 year later ***

"Marcus!" TSN's James Duthie greeted.

"Hey man" I smiled and shook his hand.

"Take a seat. You ready for this?" he smiled.

"I hope so" I chuckled.

"It's just a feature. We want to air this for your first NHL game"

"yeah, sure, no problem"

"Alright. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" the camera pointed.

"James Duthie here with Marcus Foligno. Drafted 104th overall by the Buffalo Sabres. Now Marcus, that must be something special for you. Your dad also played for the sabres, did he give you any pointers?"

"No, not really" I chuckled "He just told me to have fun, and that everyone is competing for a job on the team"

"Are you excited for your first game. I mean it's a big jump, and not every player is able to adapt" he asked.

"Yeah. I think there will be challenges, but I'm willing to work through them. I've learned and grown a lot playing in the minors, and I think I'm ready for the big league"

"Now, I'm sure your mom is already so proud of you, especially choosing to play for Team Canada in the 2011 world juniors, but more recently, you've lost someone special as well?"

"Yeah" I sighed "My girlfriend, Ava. She's, she was something else, I can tell you that"

"How do you go through something like that? I'm sure it was tough when your mom past away, but to go through something like this again, how does anyone get a good handle on it?"

"Yeah, no, it's not easy. It's tough, really tough. Ava, she wasn't just my girlfriend, she was my best friend, we spent so much time together. She was part of the family. But things in life don't always work out the way we want them to, you know. Unfortunately, I won't have a future with her, I don't be able to share every win or loss with her. I won't be able to come home and see her. There are a lot of things that I won't be able to share with her. And it hurts because I miss her, a lot"

"How long do you think, for anyone to be able to move on?"

"Oh, I don't know" I shook my head "For some, maybe a shorter time. I don't think I can get over this. At least not for a very long time. She was my everything, I loved her, and till this day, it's been one year, and I still love her very much. I don't think it's something I can easily move on, not when you love someone this much"

"Thank you Marcus"

"Cut" the camera said.

"Thanks. I know it's tough talking about her"

"No it's alright. I think talking about it with people, shows how special she is" I smiled.

"Thanks again, and see you real soon on the ice" he chuckled.

"for sure"

***
I stepped out onto the balcony of my new Buffalo home. It was a clear day in Buffalo. Blue skies, with only a few floating clouds.

I reached into my pocket and took out the pendant that I bought Ava when we first met. "I've finally made it baby. I've made it to the NHL. I wish you were in the stands, cheering me on, but I know you are. I know you're cheering me on from above"

***
Game time.

"Alright boys! Let's go, let's go, let's go!" Ryan Miller shouted.

I picked up my stick and walked out and skated onto the ice of my new home. HSBC arena.

Once the national anthem was over, I pulled out the pendant and placed a kiss on it. "It's game time Ava. Wish me luck". I tucked it back into my jersey, and patted it. I'm not going to lose it because this pendant was the last thing I had of her. This way she'll always be by my side like she promised, and I just don't want to lose anything again.