The Sacrifice of Hiding in a Lie
1 /1
I stormed into our house throwing my bag across the room, I couldn’t do it anymore; I was fed up with all of his bullshit. I always tried to be the picture perfect girlfriend, the one that will do anything for her boyfriend and support him through all of his decisions. He had taken advantage of it and I only realized it when I was waist deep in love with him. It was something I never wanted to admit to; I liked to be blind to his imperfections and to his abuse.
Of course it had never gotten physical, unlike some men, he couldn’t bring himself to hit a woman. His mother had taught him right in that department, but when it came down to what came out of his mouth he became a demon. He would break me down; make me feel as if I was worthless and that he was the only one that could cure me, as if he was the only one that could love me in this world. Every time I fell into his trap and I let him build me back up, that is until he broke me down all over again.
“What the fuck was that all about back there Ace? Are you trying to make me look bad on purpose all the time or is it some kind of bug in you that you can’t fix.” Anger surged through my body at his words and I couldn’t help it as I grabbed the vase that was in the entrance walkway and threw it at him. The anger that had been building up for the past five years was finally coming out. I was finished with being blind to his actions, we were running out of time in this relationship and I was going to go out with a bang.
He ducked just in time for the vase to hit directly above his head, breaking the picture of us that was hanging up.
“That was me being done with all of this crap that you put me through. That was me putting the last smile on my lip for the sake of looking like a happy couple with you.” Anger surged through his eyes and at this point I wanted him to hit me, I wanted him to give me the best reason for walking out right now.
“Are you fucking nuts? Wait don’t even answer that question because I know you are. You need to be in a fucking insane asylum then here.” It was the words that cut me, it was what he said and the tone that he used that made me feel like I was nothing in this world. “I’m tired of you embarrassing me in front of my friends all the time.” I scoffed as I crossed my arms over my chest; he wanted to push my buttons, he wanted me to break but today I told myself that I wasn’t going to fall for that.
“I embarrass you? It was you that decided to do what you did. I’m just the dumb girlfriend that has done everything that you wanted me to do and have taken the blame for it. I’m done with that, I’m not going to take the blame for you anymore.” A smirk appeared on his lips and I knew that he was picking his words carefully.
“You take the blame for me? Are you out of your mind Ace? You don’t take the blame for me because it’s never my fault. It’s your fault that I get embarrassed in the first place. You are the reason for it so you are the only one to blame here. Time to know yourself.” A growl passed my lips as I ran a hand through my hair. I couldn’t take this anymore, any of it. I turned and headed up the stairs. Even the people who never frown have to eventually break down and this was me breaking down our relationship. I was breaking down the walls that confined me to him and walking out.
Everything has to end sometime. This is the point where someone will tell me something along the lines of Well true love never ends and my response to that is that you are obviously blind. Everything in this world ends. Eventually the two people that are so madly in love die and that’s the end of their true love. I never believed in the afterlife, I never believed in a soul. After meeting Johnny, I became an atheist. If there was a God, why would he make men like him; men that abuse the people that they periodically tell they love.
“I wish people knew exactly the kind of scum bag that you are.” I told him as I climbed the stairs and he followed closely behind me.
“I’m the scum bag? Please, who the hell will believe that one?” He asked me as we headed into what was our bedroom.
“That’s the price that I have to pay for living in a lie huh? The lie that you are this amazing person that loves me and doesn’t hurt me. I can’t believe that I played myself this way. I’ve been so blind, so stupid. This is five years wasted on your scumbag ass.” I told him as I walked into my closet, but I didn’t get far as he grabbed my upper arm and forced me to turn around to look at him. My hair flew in my face and stayed there as I looked at him. He might not be tall but he towered over my four foot eleven, hundred pound frame. I was small, by in part it was to please him. I wore a size double zero because he had told me once he liked his women small.
I tried to pry my arm away from him but he was stronger. He wasn’t holding me to hurt me, but I knew that I would have bruises on my tiny frame tomorrow. It was the curse of being so skinny; you bruised easily.
“Are you even listening to the dumb shit that is coming out of that pretty mouth of yours? You need to learn how to put it to good use once in a while.” I punched him in his chest, but I knew that it didn’t do much damage. I was too small, too weak to cause him any damage.
“I don’t understand why I never walked away from you. Why I let you play me this way. You’ve been testing me for so long and you have finally pushed me away.” A smirk tugged onto his lips as he cocked his eyebrows in amusement.
“I have pushed you away? You think your going to leave?” I tried once again to get my arm free, but failed once again. His actions made me self-cautious, made me double think my actions and words.
“I don’t think, I know.” He pushed me as he let go of my arm and I fell to the floor, landing on the shoes that were scattered around my closet. This was the first time that he had gotten this physical with me and I couldn’t help as a sense of fear surged through my body.
“Why don’t you tell me where the fuck it is that you are going to go? Who is going to be crazy enough to want you or let you into their house? Your family threw you out like the shit that you are and all of those people you call friends you only know through me. They only accept you because you come with me. Without me you have no-one.” He told me as he bent down to look at me, venom in his eyes. All I wanted to do was to get out of here before I changed my mind, before I would succumb to him again.
“Don’t worry I’ll find someone. I’m not alone in this world as you are trying to make me feel.” A scoff passed his lips as he rolled his eyes and pushed himself up, standing over me, starring me down, making me feel smaller than what I already felt.
“Whatever, go and try to find your way. You’ll come crawling back to me. You’ll need the help, the support. I can’t make promises that I will be willing to help you again. Obviously you can’t be a good person, you can’t do anything right. I don’t even know why I kept you around this long.” He told me as he walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom and turned the water on, he was going to take a shower. It was something that he always did after we fought. He didn’t think I would leave, he didn’t believe that I was strong enough to walk away anymore. But that’s where he was wrong. I had changed in the past months and I was waiting for something like this to push me to finally walk away.
I let out a shaky breath as a tear slipped out of my right eye and cascaded down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away; I had promised myself that I would shed no more tears for him. I found a big tote bag and quickly grabbed enough stuff to last me for a few days. I had to first find a place to stay at, someone that I could live for the time being. I needed to get back onto my feet and I couldn’t do it alone.
I refused to come back here by myself, I was afraid to fall back into his trap. I would come back for the rest of my stuff with friends that I knew that I had. He had always tried to convince me otherwise, but I was done being blind. I wasn’t going to let them know everything that happened; in the end of all of this I wasn’t the type of person to make anyone look bad. That’s why I had always covered for him, always pushed myself into a lie of a life. I wanted to believe something that wasn’t real, I was done though; I was going to believe in what was real.
Of course it had never gotten physical, unlike some men, he couldn’t bring himself to hit a woman. His mother had taught him right in that department, but when it came down to what came out of his mouth he became a demon. He would break me down; make me feel as if I was worthless and that he was the only one that could cure me, as if he was the only one that could love me in this world. Every time I fell into his trap and I let him build me back up, that is until he broke me down all over again.
“What the fuck was that all about back there Ace? Are you trying to make me look bad on purpose all the time or is it some kind of bug in you that you can’t fix.” Anger surged through my body at his words and I couldn’t help it as I grabbed the vase that was in the entrance walkway and threw it at him. The anger that had been building up for the past five years was finally coming out. I was finished with being blind to his actions, we were running out of time in this relationship and I was going to go out with a bang.
He ducked just in time for the vase to hit directly above his head, breaking the picture of us that was hanging up.
“That was me being done with all of this crap that you put me through. That was me putting the last smile on my lip for the sake of looking like a happy couple with you.” Anger surged through his eyes and at this point I wanted him to hit me, I wanted him to give me the best reason for walking out right now.
“Are you fucking nuts? Wait don’t even answer that question because I know you are. You need to be in a fucking insane asylum then here.” It was the words that cut me, it was what he said and the tone that he used that made me feel like I was nothing in this world. “I’m tired of you embarrassing me in front of my friends all the time.” I scoffed as I crossed my arms over my chest; he wanted to push my buttons, he wanted me to break but today I told myself that I wasn’t going to fall for that.
“I embarrass you? It was you that decided to do what you did. I’m just the dumb girlfriend that has done everything that you wanted me to do and have taken the blame for it. I’m done with that, I’m not going to take the blame for you anymore.” A smirk appeared on his lips and I knew that he was picking his words carefully.
“You take the blame for me? Are you out of your mind Ace? You don’t take the blame for me because it’s never my fault. It’s your fault that I get embarrassed in the first place. You are the reason for it so you are the only one to blame here. Time to know yourself.” A growl passed my lips as I ran a hand through my hair. I couldn’t take this anymore, any of it. I turned and headed up the stairs. Even the people who never frown have to eventually break down and this was me breaking down our relationship. I was breaking down the walls that confined me to him and walking out.
Everything has to end sometime. This is the point where someone will tell me something along the lines of Well true love never ends and my response to that is that you are obviously blind. Everything in this world ends. Eventually the two people that are so madly in love die and that’s the end of their true love. I never believed in the afterlife, I never believed in a soul. After meeting Johnny, I became an atheist. If there was a God, why would he make men like him; men that abuse the people that they periodically tell they love.
“I wish people knew exactly the kind of scum bag that you are.” I told him as I climbed the stairs and he followed closely behind me.
“I’m the scum bag? Please, who the hell will believe that one?” He asked me as we headed into what was our bedroom.
“That’s the price that I have to pay for living in a lie huh? The lie that you are this amazing person that loves me and doesn’t hurt me. I can’t believe that I played myself this way. I’ve been so blind, so stupid. This is five years wasted on your scumbag ass.” I told him as I walked into my closet, but I didn’t get far as he grabbed my upper arm and forced me to turn around to look at him. My hair flew in my face and stayed there as I looked at him. He might not be tall but he towered over my four foot eleven, hundred pound frame. I was small, by in part it was to please him. I wore a size double zero because he had told me once he liked his women small.
I tried to pry my arm away from him but he was stronger. He wasn’t holding me to hurt me, but I knew that I would have bruises on my tiny frame tomorrow. It was the curse of being so skinny; you bruised easily.
“Are you even listening to the dumb shit that is coming out of that pretty mouth of yours? You need to learn how to put it to good use once in a while.” I punched him in his chest, but I knew that it didn’t do much damage. I was too small, too weak to cause him any damage.
“I don’t understand why I never walked away from you. Why I let you play me this way. You’ve been testing me for so long and you have finally pushed me away.” A smirk tugged onto his lips as he cocked his eyebrows in amusement.
“I have pushed you away? You think your going to leave?” I tried once again to get my arm free, but failed once again. His actions made me self-cautious, made me double think my actions and words.
“I don’t think, I know.” He pushed me as he let go of my arm and I fell to the floor, landing on the shoes that were scattered around my closet. This was the first time that he had gotten this physical with me and I couldn’t help as a sense of fear surged through my body.
“Why don’t you tell me where the fuck it is that you are going to go? Who is going to be crazy enough to want you or let you into their house? Your family threw you out like the shit that you are and all of those people you call friends you only know through me. They only accept you because you come with me. Without me you have no-one.” He told me as he bent down to look at me, venom in his eyes. All I wanted to do was to get out of here before I changed my mind, before I would succumb to him again.
“Don’t worry I’ll find someone. I’m not alone in this world as you are trying to make me feel.” A scoff passed his lips as he rolled his eyes and pushed himself up, standing over me, starring me down, making me feel smaller than what I already felt.
“Whatever, go and try to find your way. You’ll come crawling back to me. You’ll need the help, the support. I can’t make promises that I will be willing to help you again. Obviously you can’t be a good person, you can’t do anything right. I don’t even know why I kept you around this long.” He told me as he walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom and turned the water on, he was going to take a shower. It was something that he always did after we fought. He didn’t think I would leave, he didn’t believe that I was strong enough to walk away anymore. But that’s where he was wrong. I had changed in the past months and I was waiting for something like this to push me to finally walk away.
I let out a shaky breath as a tear slipped out of my right eye and cascaded down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away; I had promised myself that I would shed no more tears for him. I found a big tote bag and quickly grabbed enough stuff to last me for a few days. I had to first find a place to stay at, someone that I could live for the time being. I needed to get back onto my feet and I couldn’t do it alone.
I refused to come back here by myself, I was afraid to fall back into his trap. I would come back for the rest of my stuff with friends that I knew that I had. He had always tried to convince me otherwise, but I was done being blind. I wasn’t going to let them know everything that happened; in the end of all of this I wasn’t the type of person to make anyone look bad. That’s why I had always covered for him, always pushed myself into a lie of a life. I wanted to believe something that wasn’t real, I was done though; I was going to believe in what was real.