Nothing Special

The first time I noticed you looking at me a bit different, it was just you and me on the tour bus. I was reading some book and you were sitting on the couch watching television. After awhile, I noticed the bus had gotten strangely quiet. I looked over the top of my book and you were now sprawled across the entire couch, staring at me with your bottom lip drawn between your teeth. I quirked my eyebrow up at you and you blushed slightly, averting your eyes. I shook my head and returned to my book. A few moments later, I looked back up and you were standing right above me, with that look still in your eyes.

“Something on your mind?” I asked. You opened your mouth, then closed it again. “Well?” You looked at me for another moment before doing something I’ll never forget… you kissed me. From that one simple movement, my stomach erupted with butterflies. I’d barely had time to realize what you did before you pulled away.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, running into the bunk area. This was not like you at all, so I followed you into the back. Your curtain was drawn closed and faint sobs drifted from behind it.

“Frank?” I asked, sliding the curtain open. Your back was to me and you were curled up beside the wall. I sighed and climbed up beside you. “Frank, talk to me,” I whispered. You rolled over onto your side to face me.

“All I have to say is I’m sorry,” you responded.

“Sorry for what?” I asked. All you’d done was kiss me!

“For doing anything. Just forget I ever looked at you. Please Mikey!”

“Why? You have nothing to be sorry for.” I pulled you close and kissed you, hoping I could express my feelings with one simple touch. You sighed and kissed back slowly.

That was how it started… and it seemed like a romance straight from the pages of a fairy tale.
But do those romances really exist?

You told me we had to keep it low, because you didn’t know what the guys would think of us getting together. Deep inside, I had a feeling that there was something strange about that. My fellow band members were some of the most understanding people I knew… why wouldn’t they get this?
But I ignored that feeling and completely agreed with everything you said, because I was head over heels in love with you.

I remember I’d always ask why you would pick me. After all, there was nothing dramatically appealing about me. I was nothing special. Usually at this point, you would hug me and recite a huge, long list of reasons, the last one always being and because I love you. Then I’d smile and kiss you and all would be well until the next time I needed reassurance.

We expressed our love in a few different ways; glances and smiles across the table or stage, brief gentle touches whenever we could… and then there were the full-blown physical encounters in bathroom stalls, the back of the tour bus, closets, wherever we got a chance. These were loud, frenzied encounters driven by pent up need and lust. And usually afterwards we’d sit there and talk, talk about everything; our future, the band’s future… Those were some of the best times of my life, just getting to know that you were mine, at least for a while.

I can still picture vividly the day that everything changed. I was walking around backstage at Projekt Revolution, checking out the different bands, but mainly looking for you. You’d disappeared almost directly after we’d finished performing, and that had been almost twenty minutes before. I continued wandering, and eventually found myself in the backstage area of the Revolution Stage, where Madina Lake was almost done their set. I watched them perform “House of Cards” before I left again. Where the bloody hell had you gone? I kicked a garbage can beside a trailer and pulled a cigarette out of my pocket.
That was when I heard it… a sound I thought you only made for me. I turned around and followed your moans, tracing them behind another trailer.

“Oh god,” I heard you whine. I poked my head around the junction of the wall and… my heart broke.

You were up against the dirty wall with your head tilted back exposing the skin I loved to mark with my mouth. Your pants were down around your ankles and your fingers were entangled in the black hair of the man who was currently on his knees in front of you. Hot tears burned in my eyes. Your head lolled to the side, and for a moment, your eyes seemed to go right through me. Suddenly, they grew a lot wider.

“Oh my god, Mikey!” you gasped, pushing the other man away and pulling your jeans up. “Please, I can explain!” I shook my head furiously, turned around and ran. I had no destination in mind; I just ran and ran until my asthma eventually caught up with me and I had to stop. Glancing around, I found myself at the TBS bus. From what I could hear, they were currently playing, so I climbed up and laid on the roof of their bus, staring upwards at the rather dreary sky.

How long had you been lying to me? How long had you been cheating on me with Gerard? Was it only with him? If not, who else? So many questions raced through my mind. I shut my eyes and rubbed furiously at my temples, thinking hard. I didn’t open my eyes again until I felt the bus shift slightly. I cracked open my eyes to see Adam sitting down beside me.

“Hey Mikey.”

“Hello Adam,” I sighed, sitting up. “How’d the show go?”

“Pretty good, I guess. Now, wanna tell me what happened?”

“Nothing,” I lied. “Nothing happened.”

“Mikey, you’re lying on top of a fucking tour bus, and I can tell you were crying, now fess up or I’ll sic Matt on you.” I sighed.

“Frank,” I whispered after a long pause. “Frank Iero. That’s what happened to me.”

“Frank?” A new voice joined the fray as Matt pulled himself up onto the roof, causing the bus to sway again. “What did that short fucker do now? I swear I’ll kill him.”

“Look who’s talking,” Adam muttered.

“Everything. He did everything.” Matt and Adam exchanged curious glances. “Look, I’ll start from the beginning,” I sighed.

And so on top of a bus in a drab concrete parking lot, that’s what I did. I stared at my hands and told Adam and Matt everything, starting with you first kissing me and ending with me finding you being sucked off by my brother. I fell silent, and for many a moment, the only sounds were of music coming from the venues, and that of Fred, Mark and Eddie talking below. Before either of my audience had a chance to comment, Adam’s cell phone went off. He yanked it out with a grunt and answered it.

“Hello? Oh hi Gee… Mikey? Uhh, I haven’t… I’ll see if some of the guys have, one sec.” He covered the phone with his hand. “Gerard wants to know if we’ve seen you. What should I say?”

“Say you have no idea where I am,” I sighed. “I really can’t face him right now.” Adam nodded and repeated what I’d said, quickly ending the phone call.

“So what are you going to do?” Matt asked solemnly. “You obviously need to talk to Frank at some point.”

“Yeah, I know, but I’m not ready for that yet. Can you guys just leave me alone to think?” I asked quietly, not meaning to sound rude. Both of them nodded.

“We’re just downstairs if you wanna talk more,” Adam said as he descended. I sighed and sprawled out full length, my feet dangling slightly over the edge. I shut my eyes, images of you flickering through my brain. It was like you were taunting me.

“Go away,” I murmured to myself, sinking even further into my own thoughts.

What seemed like five minutes later, I opened my eyes to pure darkness. With a groan, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I looked beside me and screeched, almost pushing myself off the roof of the bus. You were sitting beside me cross legged, staring out into nothingness.

“Holy fuck!” I panted, clutching my chest. “Never do that again.”

“Sorry. I’ve been waiting for two and a half hours you know.”

“Why the fuck are you up here anyways?” I asked. You looked over at me, locks of hair falling in front of your eyes.

“Don’t you have some questions to ask me?”

“Yes, I do,” I sighed. I proceeded to ask you every question I’d asked myself earlier. You listened quietly, staring down at your hands.

“Okay, here goes,” you finally said. “I’ve been with Gerard long before I went and kissed you, he has no idea you and me were together, he’s the only other person I was ever with, and I didn’t lie to you. I love you Mikey!”

“Then why would you do this to me?” I cried.

“Because Mikey… I’m in love with Gerard too,” you whispered.

“You fell in love with both of us?!” You nodded and I stood up, swaying a bit.

“I can’t fucking believe this!” I yelled.

“Well it’s true,” you sighed.

“I guess there’s only one last thing to ask then,” I said. “Me or him?” You looked up at me with wide eyes.

“What?”

“I’ll repeat myself once. Me… or him?” Your eyes flickered wildly, and after a while I got tired of your game. “That’s what I thought,” I hissed, shaking my head and climbing off the bus, leaving you alone in the dark.

Why couldn’t I have seen it earlier? Why couldn’t I have seen that I never had a chance against my older brother? After all, I was nothing special.

After that night, everything changed. I pretty well ignored you and Gerard, only talking to you if it was necessary. Most nights I crashed on the TBS bus, absolutely obliterated. We were in Tampa when everything changed again. It was me and Adam on the bus, drinking like usual. At the time, I had no idea where the rest of his band was.

“You know Mikey, I’m gonna miss you when this thing’s over,” he sighed, downing another beer.

“I’m gonna miss you too. It’s been nice to have someone to lean on,” I replied.

“You can lean on me whenever,” he purred. I smirked and took another drink. “Random thought here,” he said, “but I betcha I could fuck you better than Frank ever could.” I looked up, surprised by his boldness.

“Prove it then.”

I spent my night in Adam’s bunk, and he came close to his word… but he wasn’t you. Next night found me somewhere else, trying to find someone who would be able to erase all the memories of you. It didn’t really happen, but by the end of the week, I found myself plastered with the nickname ‘Projekt Rev Whore.’ I just shrugged it off. After all, the look on your face was priceless when you walked in on me and Adam making out on the couch in the bus living room.

But after conquering everyone I’d wanted on the tour, I got bored. No one had managed to make me feel like you did. The closest was Adam. But in no way was I done trying to find someone to replace you. So one day, after our performance, I texted someone I hadn’t spoken to in a very long time.

hey
heyy, I haven’t talked to you in forever
yeah… say, where are you
home surprisingly, we’re taking a break from touring
cool. you should fly out to see me
… where are you?
uhh bristow, I think. after that it’s toronto the 21, and clarkston the 22
kay man, I’ll see you in clarkston then
see ya then, xo
… xo

I shut my phone just as you walked on the tour bus.

“Oh, isn’t this surprising?” you mumbled. “For once you’re on the bus and not ramming your cock up someone’s ass.” I smirked.

“Yep, say whatever Frank. Nothing can ruin my mood.” You raised one eyebrow.

“Who you fucking now?” you asked.

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t!” you retorted angrily. I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever. Why don’t you go find Gee? I’m sure him sucking you off would cheer you up.”

“Fuck you Mikey!”

“You already have.” You exited the bus, slamming the door behind you. I smirked again.

The two days went by fast, and soon it was show time in Clarkston, Michigan. I went through my paces, ignoring you and Gerard like usual. Halfway through I’m Not Okay, I glanced over into the side and there he was, the person I’d been waiting for. As soon we were finished, I practically threw my guitar to the ground and raced off, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Christ, it’s been forever,” I mumbled against his neck.

“I know.” He pulled me back and held me at arm’s length. “You’re still too skinny.”

“What the fuck is he doing here?!” Gerard demanded, stomping over and pointing at my guest.

“Relax Gerard,” I soothed. “Just cause Quinn’s here doesn’t mean Bert is as well.”

“I don’t fucking care, he shouldn’t be here!”

“You know what Gerard? I can invite whoever I want, so go fuck yourself! Even better, go fuck Frank!” You and him gaped at me. “C’mon Quinn, I’ll show you around,” I murmured, grabbing his hand and pulling him away.

“Whoa, that was intense,” he sighed.

“Yeah, things have been like that since the second show of the tour. But fuck them, how are things with you?” For the next while, we walked around and talked, finally ending up back at the Revolution stage.

“You know where we should go?” he asked. “Underneath the stage.” He took a quick glance around and pulled me into the darkness.

“God, this is dangerous,” I said as he pulled me further in.

“Mmm, but it’s nice and private.” He finally stopped moving and laid down on the hard ground. I copied his actions, staring up at the ceiling above.

“The music’s gonna be so loud,” he said after a while of comfortable silence.

“Better get your earplugs then,” I smirked. “Your fragile ears might break.”

“Fuck you Mikey!” I rolled over onto my side.

“You name the time and the place.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“What would you do if I said right here, right now?” I slid my hand up underneath his shirt.

“I’d say go for it.”

And so, with the music just starting above us, I conquered yet another. This time though, I wasn’t wishing that my victim could erase all memories of you… I wished they were you. I wished it was you that was biting my neck and pushing my body into the hard ground, I wished it was you giving me bruises on my hips.

When I returned to the bus later on that night after seeing Quinn off, you were sitting on the couch.

“Mikey, sit down,” you sighed. I rolled my eyes and plunked down beside you.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“Mikey, I know what you and Quinn did today underneath the stage, and it’s disgusting! He flew in, you two fucked, then he left again! Have you really gone that far?”

“Why do you care who I fuck?!” I yelled, standing up.

“Because I do care for you, and I don’t want you to get hurt!” I stopped to consider what you said and… I laughed.

“Oh, so no one else can hurt me, but you can? Oh right, I forgot!” I exclaimed, clapping a hand to my forehead. “You’re the one and only Frank Iero! You’re so great and everyone loves you! And I’m just Mikey, the skinny bass player! In other words, I’m nothing special!”

“Is that what you really think?” you asked finally. I glared at you. “Well Mikey, let me tell you a story about two people. One of them is trying to make his best friend realize he’s throwing his life for sex, and the other is a complete whore! Guess which one you are?” With every word you said you stepped forward, forcing me against the wall. You stared at me for a moment before disappearing back into the bunk area. I took a deep breath and sighed.
Thank God the tour was almost over.

Second last tour date, September 1st in Tinley Park, Illinois, my life changed again. It was after the show, and most of the bands were partying, glad there was only one show left. I was just heading to our bus to get something for Adam when I heard a strange sound coming from up on the roof. I climbed up and there you were, curled up in a ball and sobbing your eyes out.

“Okay, what the fuck happened to you?” I asked bluntly. You sat up and rubbed your eyes.

“I caught Gerard cheating on me,” you whispered.

“Oh harsh!” I yelled. “Karma bites you in the ass!”

“Well, at least I wasn’t screwing a chick!” you retorted.

“What the fuck? Seriously?”

“Yeah, I was walking around after show looking for him. Not only did I find him, I found him behind a trailer with Lyn-Z.”

“From MSI?” You nodded. “Oh my god Frank, I’m legitimately sorry,” I said, scooting closer to you. “That’s really, really awful.”

“You think?!” You looked over at me and your eyes filled with anger. “You don’t fucking care!” you screamed. “You fucking already knew, didn’t you!? Everyone else did!” Without warning you dove at me and knocked me flat on my back, straddling my hips. “Jesus, they all knew, everyone! You were laughing at me, weren’t you?” You were punching me lightly, without a lot of effort, and I let you take your anger out on me. Suddenly, you stopped and looked down at me, panting slightly. The look in your eyes had changed dramatically. Before I knew it, you slammed your lips against mine, forcing your tongue into my mouth. I groaned and tried to pull away but you persisted, so I gave in to your touch. Your lips slowly started traveling down my jawbone to my neck.

“Frank, stop,” I moaned. “Not here.”

“Yes Mikey, right here, right now,” you said, unzipping my sweater and pushing my shirt up.

“Oh god… Frank, I can’t do this,” I protested weakly, but you cut me off.

“You don’t have to do anything. Let me do all the work. Please, let me take care of you,” you whispered in my ear. I sighed and reluctantly nodded. You continued your journey down my body, leaving a small trail of red marks wherever your lips touched me. You reached the top of my jeans and slowly undid my zipper.

“Please Frank, we can stop now,” I murmured quietly. You just looked up at me and slowly took me into your mouth. I groaned and tangled my fingers in your hair, letting you do what you wanted. Even though this was what I’d been wanting for over a month, I still felt like we shouldn’t have been doing this, especially not with the situation you were in. But, I let you do what you wanted to me anyways.

Afterwards, we both awkwardly laid on the roof of the bus until you suggested we went inside. When we did, Gerard was on the couch watching television. You paled and stomped off to the bunks.

“You know Gerard, you really are an asshole,” I said, walking past him.

“Don’t care,” he muttered. I rolled my eyes. “Oh and Mikey,” he called after me, “do you know what those noises were on top of the bus?” I shook my head quickly.
“Nope. No idea at all.”

I walked into the bunk area and pulled back your curtain. You were staring up at the ceiling.

“Can I come in?” I asked. You nodded and I squeezed in beside you. “Frank… we need to talk,” I sighed.

“Do you have any idea how much it hurt me to know you were with someone else each night?” you asked quietly. “It was horrible.”

“Well, I did it to get back at you. Do you have any idea how much it hurt me to see Gee sucking you off?” You stayed silent for a while.

“If you had given me more time to think about it… I would have picked you,” you whispered. I looked over at you.

“Really?” You nodded.

“Yes, really. And I’m sorry for what I did, I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I lied… I’m sorry about everything.”

“I know you’re sorry. And... I’m sorry too.” You rolled over onto your side, ending up almost squished beside me.

“Mikey, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Would… would you ever take me back?” you asked quietly. “And not just as someone to sleep with, I mean as an actual boyfriend.” I stared upwards and pondered what you’d said. I did want to be with you again, but how was I supposed to know if you were going to cheat on me again?

“Frank… I want to be able to take you back, but I’m scared you’ll hurt me again.” You put your hand on my cheek and turned my face so I looked directly into your eyes.

“Michael Way, I promise and swear on my life that I will never hurt you again. I’ve realized that you would never just use me for sex. You truly loved me, and that’s something I desperately missed the whole time we were apart. Please… be with me?” I stared deeper into your eyes and could only see love within.

“Yes. I will Frank.” You smiled and pulled me closer into a gentle kiss.

And at that moment in time, when it was just you and me, when everything was perfect, I couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, I was something special.