Flattery is Dead, Romance is Next
This Doesn't Feel So Right
It had been a week already since I had litteraly dumped, Patrick, the band... everything. I had gone back to my parents' house, they were nice enough to [i[take me back.
When I left, I thought I was doing the right thing. I don't know why but I didn't think it was my place at all. But I had been locked up in my room for a week already and still didn't feel like this was my place. I wasn't regreting having left... I think...
Two times a day for 7 days, Patrick called me, but I never picked up. He left voice messaages but I never listened to them. I was affraid shitless of what he could be telling me in those message. Tatianna aslo called 3 times but I never picked up either. I was such a coward.
My mom came knocking at my door one evening and asked if she could talk to me:
"So honey, what are your plans?"
"What plans?"
"Well you abandoned something truly amazing, so I am guessing it's because you have something better in mind."
"I don't know..."
"Well you should try to figure things out darling, you're already 21 years old!" She said as she got up, she seemed upset and ready to give up on me, as if I would never do anything good in life.
As she was leaving, she turned around and said "You ran away from your life here, you ran away from school, and now you run away from a loving boyfriend, and a job you truly love... I don't need to tell you there's something wrong there. Sweety you can't just run away from something that challenges you in new ways. Overcome those things and grow up." She left.
What my mom said was the trigger. I was starting to realize how much of a mess I was for never finishing anything I started.
Patrick propably hates me now, I'm scared to listen to the 14 voice messages I have... but maybe I should...
As I was deep in thoughts, the doorbell rang, 5 minutes later there was a knock on my door again... was that someone for me at the door?
"Come in."
Tatianna peeked her head in, as soon as she saw me she started screaming in Russian, and from the little Russian I know... she was mad.
When she was done with Russian, she took a deep breath and said: "WHY?!"
I starred at her trying not to cry. "I ... I don't know anymore."
"Why don't you answer your phone!? Patrick called you everyday!"
"I know..."
"He's going crazy! You can't do that to him! And the boys! JT, Tom and Alex! You left them too!"
"Patrick..."
"YEAH! Patrick! He's tormented! He misses you like I have never seen a guy miss a girl, he is completely broken hearted! HOW COULD YOU?!"
"I... it ... it's just it was too much too fast, and I was overwelmed and didn't know what to do." I was now pouring tears.
"Go back and say you"ve changed your mind!"
"I can't..."
"You can it's not too late yet!" I'm prety sure a good part of her was furious at me but there was another part of her that was trying to help me, hard russian way.
"No, I broke Patrick's heart, I'm an idiot he probably hates me now, with reason." I was choking on those words, I loved him, yet I still left.
"He loves you!" she said as she sat down next to me on my bed. "Did you listen to all the messages he left you? He told me about them..."
"I didn't..."
She grabbed my phone, put it on speaker phone and played the messages.
"Kayleigh... I ... I'm sorry if I rushed you, I'm sorry I... it's okay if you don't want to move in with me... please call me back soon, I love you." He was crying I could hear it. My heart was shattered.
Another one said: "It's me again... I miss you... please call me and tell me everything you're ok."
And : "I love you. I'm sorry if I was a jerk to you. I love you Kay... I always will."
After the 14th one, I couldn't stop crying. Tatianna hugged me then dialed Patrick's number, pressed send, gave me the phone and left.
"Kayleigh?" it felt good to hear his voice.
"Yeah..." I was sobbing and terrified.
"Oh baby! Is everything ok? Please tell you're alright!" I think he was choking up
"I can't say I am... Oh Patrick I'm so sorry! I love you, but I left... I..."
"Shhh baby it's ok, I understand, I love you too. We'll figure something out. Can I see you?"
"Yes, I... I would like to see you."
I gave him my address and hung up and I think there was some sort of shadow of a beggining of a possible smile on my face.
I had forgotten how much I loved him and knowing that he loved me.
When I left, I thought I was doing the right thing. I don't know why but I didn't think it was my place at all. But I had been locked up in my room for a week already and still didn't feel like this was my place. I wasn't regreting having left... I think...
Two times a day for 7 days, Patrick called me, but I never picked up. He left voice messaages but I never listened to them. I was affraid shitless of what he could be telling me in those message. Tatianna aslo called 3 times but I never picked up either. I was such a coward.
My mom came knocking at my door one evening and asked if she could talk to me:
"So honey, what are your plans?"
"What plans?"
"Well you abandoned something truly amazing, so I am guessing it's because you have something better in mind."
"I don't know..."
"Well you should try to figure things out darling, you're already 21 years old!" She said as she got up, she seemed upset and ready to give up on me, as if I would never do anything good in life.
As she was leaving, she turned around and said "You ran away from your life here, you ran away from school, and now you run away from a loving boyfriend, and a job you truly love... I don't need to tell you there's something wrong there. Sweety you can't just run away from something that challenges you in new ways. Overcome those things and grow up." She left.
What my mom said was the trigger. I was starting to realize how much of a mess I was for never finishing anything I started.
Patrick propably hates me now, I'm scared to listen to the 14 voice messages I have... but maybe I should...
As I was deep in thoughts, the doorbell rang, 5 minutes later there was a knock on my door again... was that someone for me at the door?
"Come in."
Tatianna peeked her head in, as soon as she saw me she started screaming in Russian, and from the little Russian I know... she was mad.
When she was done with Russian, she took a deep breath and said: "WHY?!"
I starred at her trying not to cry. "I ... I don't know anymore."
"Why don't you answer your phone!? Patrick called you everyday!"
"I know..."
"He's going crazy! You can't do that to him! And the boys! JT, Tom and Alex! You left them too!"
"Patrick..."
"YEAH! Patrick! He's tormented! He misses you like I have never seen a guy miss a girl, he is completely broken hearted! HOW COULD YOU?!"
"I... it ... it's just it was too much too fast, and I was overwelmed and didn't know what to do." I was now pouring tears.
"Go back and say you"ve changed your mind!"
"I can't..."
"You can it's not too late yet!" I'm prety sure a good part of her was furious at me but there was another part of her that was trying to help me, hard russian way.
"No, I broke Patrick's heart, I'm an idiot he probably hates me now, with reason." I was choking on those words, I loved him, yet I still left.
"He loves you!" she said as she sat down next to me on my bed. "Did you listen to all the messages he left you? He told me about them..."
"I didn't..."
She grabbed my phone, put it on speaker phone and played the messages.
"Kayleigh... I ... I'm sorry if I rushed you, I'm sorry I... it's okay if you don't want to move in with me... please call me back soon, I love you." He was crying I could hear it. My heart was shattered.
Another one said: "It's me again... I miss you... please call me and tell me everything you're ok."
And : "I love you. I'm sorry if I was a jerk to you. I love you Kay... I always will."
After the 14th one, I couldn't stop crying. Tatianna hugged me then dialed Patrick's number, pressed send, gave me the phone and left.
"Kayleigh?" it felt good to hear his voice.
"Yeah..." I was sobbing and terrified.
"Oh baby! Is everything ok? Please tell you're alright!" I think he was choking up
"I can't say I am... Oh Patrick I'm so sorry! I love you, but I left... I..."
"Shhh baby it's ok, I understand, I love you too. We'll figure something out. Can I see you?"
"Yes, I... I would like to see you."
I gave him my address and hung up and I think there was some sort of shadow of a beggining of a possible smile on my face.
I had forgotten how much I loved him and knowing that he loved me.