Run

"Jack, I can't."

"You have to, Adam. Please"

Jack stared at me with the most heart-wrenching expression imaginable, azure eyes wide and full of fear. I got the sense that I was going to end up causing him far more pain then I'd ever want -or intend- to.

Jack’s dog whined and scratched at the door. I stood up, about to let him in, but I could barely disguise how badly my legs were shaking. Hands gripped my waist before tugging me back down on to the window seat I’d been previously sitting on with Jack. I didn’t even get to make a step.

Unusually, I made no move to cuddle in to him, so he pulled me in to his chest instead. I felt like a lifeless rag-doll, a mannequin that could be manipulated yet void of emotions.

Or am I so numb that even the touch of tears on skin seems natural and second-nature to me?

Jack wasn’t going to speak. He’d be perfectly fine with us sitting here like this all night, knowing that I’d be the first one to fall asleep. It was either maintain my silence and end up with a stiff neck or talk and break down entirely, flooding the defences I’d built these past five weeks.

Five weeks too long.

When I finally opened my dry, cracked lips to speak, I couldn’t even recognise my own voice. What had sounded so strong had crumbled away to nothing, barely a whisper. Hoarse, like I needed to drink, but I’d already had at least two litres already.

“Please Jack. I can’t go on living with the haters anymore. So what’s the point?”

My head dropped, conveying my shame. Even the muscles in my neck weren’t able to withstand the crushing pressure, the over-whelming guilt.

I felt Jack’s gaze on my face, his eyes pleading me to listen. “You can do it. We can do it.” His other arm joined the first, enclosing me in the complete warmth of his hug. “I love you, baby. Don’t let them get to you.”

I know he was trying to be strong. I know he was trying to smile in the hopes that I would do the same. And I also know that he’s sick with the sight of me, disgusted in himself for the way he feels about someone who…someone who…

I took a deep gulp, attempting to clear this strange sensation lodged in my throat. I refused to look up. To let him look at me and see him cringe at the sight.

“I know Jack. I know. I’ve lived like this for too long. What’s next, huh? They get to you and hurt you? I can’t. I’m sorry. I just can’t.” The desperation was clear.

So why wasn’t he listening?

His fingers hooked under my chin and lifted my head; a touch I immediately recoiled from, making sure to cast my left side back into shadow. Where it belongs.

I could tell that Jack was upset with my reaction, but he didn’t make any move to touch my face again. For now at least. That boy’s always been too persistent for his own good. It’s gotten him into trouble on many occasions.

“Hey, listen to me. I will be fine.” His lips pressed to my forehead, the touch I’d been fearing most. “I know and it’s been such a long time, but because of that, you can keep going. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.” He tried to kiss me but I’d already anticipated that and turned away.

“No Jack.” I murmured with a stubborn shake of my head. “I won’t let them do that to you. Did you see what they did to Johnny when he came out? They damn near killed him, Jack! If it wasn’t for the location, he would’ve died!” My eyes wandered down to my lap, starting to get very blurry and defocused. This would be the hardest part. To tell the person I love to leave me.

“I can’t. If you’re happier off without me, living your straight life, then I’ll go. I’d go to the ends of the Earth and leap off if you wanted me too.”

Jack wasn’t even gay when I’d met him. And I hadn’t been either, not officially. But somehow he knew; he always did. He had a knack of figuring out what was wrong without you having to utter a word. Annoying at the worst of times. Useful at the best.

“Adam! No! I would never want that. You are far more important than anything else, and I would never leave you. I don’t regret loving you for even a second Adam.” He sighed then.

That’s when I knew. He was tired. Weary with me. This could not go on.

“I’m not worried about it babe. I can take care of myself. I know…”-a moment of pause as he gulped-“everything with Johnny, but that’s not going to be me. I’ll be fine.”

Then he did exactly what I didn’t want him to do. He leant in and kissed my dry, ugly lips with all the tenderness and love he could muster. And I hated him for doing that.
It made things so much more complicated.

And the dog kept scratching at the door. He wanted in.

“Why?”

This provoked another unneeded, unwanted kiss, but what could I do?

“Why what Adam? Why do I love you?” I could tell that he’s smiling by this point, but I don’t know why. There’s nothing to smile about. “Because you…you are the most amazing person that I’ve ever met. And you are so beautiful; I wouldn’t trade my love for you for anything in the world. Don’t cry baby.”

I’m crying?

I’m crying?!

Apparently so, because Jack’s fingers were tracing my cheek bone, wiping tears from my skin. When he moved towards my other cheek, I flinched away, viciously jerking my head to the side so he couldn’t touch me there. His hand was left hanging in the air. Lifeless.

And the dog wouldn’t give in.

How could he call this beautiful?! It’s a monstrosity!

“No…Jack…you can’t…how…” I gulped back my fear, but the lump in my throat kept swelling. It was going to suffocate me soon. “H-how can you love this face?”

I turned slowly –and very reluctantly- towards him, scared of his frightened gaze, his widening eyes as the searched my face. My scarred, burnt, ugly, left side of my face. It could barely be classed as that. They only just managed to save my eye from complete blindness.
“I don’t deserve you. This. To live when they died.”

I could still smell the burning flesh, both my own and from the next room over, and it stung. It singed and tore at my nose and made my eyes water in memory. The night I watched my whole world get devoured by satanic, unforgiving flames, like Hell itself had risen up to consume the house whole.

The dog whined. Jack shushed him.

“Because it’s beautiful.” Then he did something unexpected. He leant forward and…kissed my scars. My wounded, weeping face. Healing, but forever marking me out as a victim.
“Because it shows me how strong you really are. You care, my beautiful.” His arms wrapped me in a firm, comforting hug.

It didn’t feel like that.

It felt like suffocation.

A death sentence.

But still, Jack continued. “They died and that’s terrible, but they’re still cheering for you baby. They want you to live and be happy because you deserve it.”

Searing, stinging kiss placed on my aching lips after searing, stinging kiss. When will he give in? Accept this for what it is?

I flinched.

“No…J-jack…you don’t need to lie to me to try and keep me safe…ple-please don’t.” I pulled out of his grasp, not so gently, to stare dead ahead of me, the poster of a grim reaper staring right back. Literally staring death in the face. I almost laughed out loud at that.

Almost.

“It was arson. That’s what the police are saying. No guesses as to why someone would want to do that. But their deaths will not be meaningless.” My voice was surprisingly cold; robotic and reeling off the facts like a well-worn, well-oiled machine.

Jack pulled me into him, wrapping me in his protective embrace once again. “I’m sorry, but I’m not lying to you Adam. You are beautiful and strong.” His sentence was punctuated with an abrupt gulp. “I don’t know either, and of course they won’t be baby. Because you will go on, just like Alex told you to.”

Alex….

My brother…

These emotions…what are they?

I felt lost. Falling. I can’t cry, yet I’m all tears. I can’t live my life like this, through these fears.

“A-alex…” My tone was surprisingly soft and wistful; the first time I’d mentioned my brother’s name since the incident five weeks ago. And it still hurt. “He wouldn’t want me to d-do this to y-you either…”

I’m pretty sure Jack doesn’t actually know what I meant, that he’s just going along with it to humour me. I don’t even know myself what I mean.

But still, he persisted, rubbing my shoulders with such attention and care; like I’m the only person in the world to him that mattered.

And the next thing he muttered shattered my world. More then the fragile, mirror-shards it already was. Dust.

“You’re not doing anything baby, besides holding my heart.”

“Th-then please…t-take it back…bef-before I drop it…” I meant more than that, but Jack wouldn’t fully understand until afterwards. And then I wouldn’t be able to see his pain.

He just held me closer. Like nothing was wrong. Like nothing has ever been wrong.

“No. I will not. Because you are the only person that will treat it better than anyone else.”

How does he know that? How can he tell that I would treat his heart like a precious, breakable vase, rather than everyday trash? Exactly. He doesn’t. He can’t.

I’m terrified and it’s dragging me under.

“I…I’m not good for you…p-please…j-just…let me go…”

The dog continued to whine and scratch at the door. Suddenly, I saw my excuse. I stood up on shaking legs and let Dämon in. The black Alsatian looked up at me with yellow, glinting eyes, as if he knew something I didn’t.

And then he walked right in and began sniffing at Jack’s trainer like nothing had happened. Like that look of mutual understanding had not passed between us.

Jack came over and took me back in his arms, resting his chin on my shoulder. It was just enough to shake me from my shock. “You’re the only person that’s good for me Adam. I can’t and I won’t let you go.”

I tracked the dog’s movement with my eyes, watching his wagging tail, his teeth as he gnawed on the old trainer like it was the best meal ever. I could’ve sworn Dämon smirked at me, but then again, I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in a while. It’s no wonder everything was becoming hazy. And not just because of my damaged eye.

“What am I supposed to do then Jack, pray, tell. My family perished as a result of a homophobic arson attack, because of me. They hate me. I can’t let you become a victim too. I…I love you.”

I must’ve seriously been breaking down because my boyfriend cradled me in his arms, before then carrying me over to the bed, bridal style. He kissed my head and flopped down beside me.

“It’s okay, Adam. It’s okay to cry. Cry all you like. I can understand.”

So I did. I laid in his arms and sobbed; sobbed until I was as mentally exhausted as I was physically. And then, finally, some sleep.

Lull before the storm.

_______________________________________________________________________

It was Dämon that woke me. He licked my hand insistently until I opened my eyes, only to find the same evil yellow pair staring back at me. The dog nuzzled my hand, and, when I wasn’t doing anything, began to nip at my fingers.

Time to go.

I rose, tossing the covers to the side that had been meticulously placed over my unconscious body, leaving Jack slumbering on unaware. It’s better this way. He’ll thank me for it.

The clock read 5:57; that meant I had at least for hours before Jack would wake up. A long four hours. It would just take four minutes. Less, if I have the timings right. I can’t afford anything going amiss.

I penned a quick note to Jack, and left it on his bedside cabinet, under the broken lamp.
As soon as I opened the door, the Alsatian bounded downstairs and met me by the front door, tail wagging. I’d expected him to create a racket; he normally does. But it’s as if today, this morning, he knows what’s going to happen. They say animals have a sixth sense…they're right.

Waking up my car went surprisingly smoothly too. Everything around me was still, shocked into a type of paralysis that only my presence could induce. And I don’t blame them.

Dämon sat on the front seat like a human, looking at the road ahead as my lights illuminated it, not even batting an eyelid when a rabbit sprinted across the road. I’d call it creepy, an omen, but it just appears to be the norm for this strange and wacked-out early morning.

We were here.

I killed the engine, looking around at my surroundings dubiously. This was the right place, wasn’t it? I can’t hear any-

Ah. That’s what I need to hear.

I didn’t bother to lock the car; in fact, I just left the keys in the ignition. Someone would find it eventually. I began down the untrodden path, mud clinging to my hastily-pulled-on shoes, and Dämon followed suit.

Then I’d reached my destination.

I stepped over the metal rail, amongst the stones and dirt, feeling no sense of apprehension of what was to come, but instead a kind of peace.

A whistle blew. I exhaled in satisfaction. Dämon watched silently from the side, my constant companion.

A second whistle. The driver wanted me gone.

Jack.

Jack, Jack, Jack.

Forgive me, Jacky.

The noted I’d left him had been short and almost illegible.

A third, warning whistle. The mechanical hiss of an engine grew closer. The train rounded the corner.

Dear Jack,

It was me. I’m the arsonist. I don’t know why I did it, Jack, but I can’t live like this. Some sick being took a hold of me, lighting the paper and placed it oh-so-carefully on my Mother’s petroleum stained sheets.

I hate myself for who I am. Gay. A murderer.

Goodbye,
Adam

The homophobic hater I’d spoken of? That person is me.

I opened my mouth to scream.

“Jac-!”