Letting Go
Letting Go.
I loved her. You better believe I did. I can't forget her, no doubt about it. But am I not ohkay? Actually, I'm beyond it. I'm happy and reassured. Things are better and I'm not stuck anymore.
I was a real mess before. After her death, it was unreal. I was drowning everyday in thoughts. I wasn't who i had been. I didn't want to do anything, with myself, with my life; nothing. Sarah's death had turned my world upside down.
My friends were very worried about me. I remember days where I'd be laying on the couch, food and dirty clothes all over the place. My best buds would walk in disgusted. One time my friend Mike pulled me off the couch, stood me up and looked into my eyes. He repeated the words "Matt, you have got to let go. She's not coming back." I remember the look in his eyes. There was sorrow, but there was also something else.. something that just seemed to push out to me.
I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't get myself to do it. How could I let go of someone who meant the world to me, when the only thing I had left of them were photographs and memories?
Day after day the images, the distant voices of the past played through my head. I was miserable. My eyes were blood-shot from the lack of sleep and too much crying. I was getting too close to the edge. I was about to break; to explode.
Then one night, I fell into a deep sleep. I was with her again. She was actually in my arms! The smell of her favorite perfume tickled up my nose. Her skin was so soft, everything about her was the same. She looked alive again.
I can clearly remember her angelic voice, the soul within her eyes. The words she spoke were so pure, they were so true. In that dream she looked at me, the look I couldn't explain.
"Matt..." Her voice was slow and soft. I couldn't speak. It'd had been months since I had heard my name come from an angel. "I need peace." She looked down, "But I can't do that when you're like this. You aren't allowing me to go." I was confused.
"What are you talking about?" I moved closer to her, but she moved away.
"I love you Matt, but you can't keep doing this. I need peace. I need to be able to move on. And so do you."
I awoke after that. I finally knew what I had to do, it was hard. Hardest thing I have had to do. But I love her. She needed this peace more than anything.
After that dream I tried to make myself better. Within time, things go better. I felt a weight get lifted off my shoulders. My friends didn't worry about me anymore. Instead of breaking down, I was building myself back up. I had finally allowed myself to accept it all and move on in life. All for her.
Does it still hurt? Of course. Was it difficult? Words can't even explain. But I had to do this. We both needed this. I can tell she's finally at peace. For me, it was just another way of saying I love you.
I was a real mess before. After her death, it was unreal. I was drowning everyday in thoughts. I wasn't who i had been. I didn't want to do anything, with myself, with my life; nothing. Sarah's death had turned my world upside down.
My friends were very worried about me. I remember days where I'd be laying on the couch, food and dirty clothes all over the place. My best buds would walk in disgusted. One time my friend Mike pulled me off the couch, stood me up and looked into my eyes. He repeated the words "Matt, you have got to let go. She's not coming back." I remember the look in his eyes. There was sorrow, but there was also something else.. something that just seemed to push out to me.
I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't get myself to do it. How could I let go of someone who meant the world to me, when the only thing I had left of them were photographs and memories?
Day after day the images, the distant voices of the past played through my head. I was miserable. My eyes were blood-shot from the lack of sleep and too much crying. I was getting too close to the edge. I was about to break; to explode.
Then one night, I fell into a deep sleep. I was with her again. She was actually in my arms! The smell of her favorite perfume tickled up my nose. Her skin was so soft, everything about her was the same. She looked alive again.
I can clearly remember her angelic voice, the soul within her eyes. The words she spoke were so pure, they were so true. In that dream she looked at me, the look I couldn't explain.
"Matt..." Her voice was slow and soft. I couldn't speak. It'd had been months since I had heard my name come from an angel. "I need peace." She looked down, "But I can't do that when you're like this. You aren't allowing me to go." I was confused.
"What are you talking about?" I moved closer to her, but she moved away.
"I love you Matt, but you can't keep doing this. I need peace. I need to be able to move on. And so do you."
I awoke after that. I finally knew what I had to do, it was hard. Hardest thing I have had to do. But I love her. She needed this peace more than anything.
After that dream I tried to make myself better. Within time, things go better. I felt a weight get lifted off my shoulders. My friends didn't worry about me anymore. Instead of breaking down, I was building myself back up. I had finally allowed myself to accept it all and move on in life. All for her.
Does it still hurt? Of course. Was it difficult? Words can't even explain. But I had to do this. We both needed this. I can tell she's finally at peace. For me, it was just another way of saying I love you.