Endlessly

~~ Hazelyn POV ~~

That familiar smell. I would be able to recognize it anywhere. In the past, I would stay wherever it came from with no complaints. But now, all I wanted to do was get the hell away from it. Fast. But given my current situation, I couldn’t. My eyebrows scrunched up, and I opened my eyes which were met by bright rays of sunshine. I groaned and turned over onto my side and face the other direction, wanting to go back to sleep because of the massive headache that was forming.

I then remembered the reason why I woke up. The smell. Oh right, Ryan was staying here, so… Wait, this isn’t my room. My bed does not dark blue covers. It has light blue ones today. I looked around and it dawned on me. The familiar surroundings, the strong smell. I was in Ryan’s old room.

I attempted to get up, but was knocked down by the headache. I groaned out loud. In frustration and in pain. “You’re awake?” I heard from the doorway. I already knew that voice by heart and by mind.

“Obviously,” I croaked, my eyes still closed. I heard the door close, and I don’t know why I thought he’d actually leave me alone. It was silent for a moment, and I was about going to try to get back up again, when he suddenly spoke, and startled me. “Sit up,” I heard him say.

I groaned and did so anyways, I didn’t feel like arguing. I felt something being placed in front of me, and I rubbed my eyes from sleep, and opened them. I saw a breakfast-in-bed tray in front of me, with a plate of a huge ass stack of chocolate chip pancakes, along with some chocolate syrup, and with water and a small vase with a single daisy in it.

I looked up at him, and he looked down at me with a bored expression. “Jason prepared it, so eat,” he said monotonously before spinning on his heel and leaving.

I shrugged at him, and began eating the pancakes. I then took the Tylenol that was on the small saucer next to my plate, and put it aside on the floor. Despite the headache, I took the tray downstairs and stuffed the dishes into the dishwasher. “Morning,” I heard Jason from behind me.

“Morning,” I smiled at the guy who looked half awake, in his suit-and-tie attire. “Thanks for the pancakes,” I said even though I was sure it wasn’t him that made it.

“You’re welcome?” he asked confused.

“Well, nice to see you again,” I said and went up to him and hugged him. “We should hang out sometime, you know… To catch up. My brother always hogs you,” I smiled. He nodded at me with a smile, and grabbed himself a glass of orange juice.

“So, what are you doing here?” he asked, before taking a huge gulp of his drink.

“I was drunk last night and your brother was forced to babysit,” I pursed my lips into a thin line.

“I could’ve babysat you! I wouldn’t have minded,” he smiled at me.

“Please?” I pleaded. He laughed at me. “I’m not kidding! There’s still like a week and a half left!”

“No can do, little sis. I have a meeting today,” he said. I groaned and smacked my forehead. “But go grab your stuff. I can take you home,” he smiled at me. “I’ll save you from your nightmare,” he smirked.

“Ahh! Thank you!” I squealed, starting to running towards him, but immediately halted because of the pain. “Ow,” I mumbled.

“You okay?” he chuckled.

“Hangover,” I mumbled.

“Oh, you’re adorable,” he grinned at me. I just stuck my tongue out at him and made my way up the stairs gripping onto my throbbing head. I heard him chuckle behind me, and I rolled my eyes.

I got to the room and didn’t expect that Ryan was changing. He was already in jeans, putting on his polo. He was probably going to the store today.

“Do you not know how to knock?” he asked me, his face irritated.

I just shrugged and grabbed my stuff, then I realized that I was holding onto my dress. I looked down on my outfit and I was in a baggy shirt, and an even baggier pair of sweats. I glared at Ryan. “Tell me you didn’t change me into this,” I said to him. He just shrugged at me as he sprayed his ‘Fierce’ cologne. “Can you not?” I asked, making my way out of the room.

“Where are you going?” he called out.

“Home,” I said.

“I drove you here,” he said, following me.

“I know.”

“Are you calling Gabriel again?” he sneered.

“No, your brother’s driving me,” I smiled at him and caught up with Jason, who was already in perfect suit and tie. “Plus, you wouldn’t care if I did.”

“Ready?” Jason asked. I nodded and walked over to him, ignoring the feeling of being underdressed next to this stunning man that was next to me.

“The baggy shirt and sweats fit you well,” Jason laughed as we got into his Mercedes.

“Thanks. Don’t expect me to say the same,” I smirked.

“Agh1 I’m telling you, If I can go to these meetings in my pajamas, I would,” he chuckled.

Oh Jason, you’re so much like my brother it’s scary.



I was at home, locking myself in my room. Just reading books on my bookshelf and surfing the internet. My phone rang about a million times before it finally died and I didn’t bother getting up and charging it.

I took another nap, hoping to ease the pain of my throbbing skull and woke up around 5 or 6 pm when my door flew open. “Holy shit, you should answer your phone! Your brother has been worried sick about you!” Ryan said rushing in, yelling at me. He better be thankful that I didn’t have a damn headache anymore or else he would’ve gotten a piece of my mind.

“Do you not know how worried you get people? Huh Hazelyn? Do you not know that I had to close down the store early today?!” he yelled pacing as I just sat up against my headboard, looking at him. “I tried calling your home phone, and you didn’t even bother answering and making a small peep to let us know you’re okay!” he said running his fingers through his hair.

“Are you done?” I asked.

“Am I done? Did you just ask if I was done?” he asked hysterically. I just simply nodded. “Why are you so heartless and stupid?”

‘Why are you doing something you don’t wanna do?” I asked him.

“I asked you a question first.”

“I’m not being heartless, you’re just overreacting and being inconsiderate. I just wanted some time to myself. I’m not being stupid, I’m just being Hazelyn,” I shrugged.

“Inconsiderate?!” he scoffed. “Do you know that you kept me up all night? I was in that store all day wanting to get some sleep, because of you!” he yelled.

“Go get sleep then, nobody’s stopping you. And so I can go back to do my shit,” I said as I snuggled into my covers.

“Did you eat?” he asked a little softer. Just a teeny tiny bit softer. I just shrugged. “Eat,” he said. I ignored him and covered my whole body with my comforter and focused on going back to sleep. He left the room and I drifted back to dreamland.

I was woken up an hour or so later, when all the lights in my room were all turned on and a voice spoke. “Hazelyn, eat. Here,” Ryan said. I heard shuffling on the side of my bed, and then it stopped. “Hazelyn, get up, and eat,” Ryan said. I opened my eyes and saw that he had laid out a portable table on the side of my bed with a tray of some California Pizza Kitchen dishes. I looked at him and down at the food. “Eat, god damn it,” he commanded irritatedly.

I shrugged and took a breadstick and downed the glass of water, then went back to sleep. I didn’t know what happened after that, because I just plugged in my earphones and blasted music in my ears while he yelled.

The next morning, I woke up with a tray of food next to my bed, and again it was a stack of chocolate chip pancakes. I refused to eat it though. I didn’t feel like eating at all. I drank the water though, and maybe took a bite or two, but that was it. I just went back to sleep, and dreamt of my old life. The old life that I would much on that chocolate chip pancakes, and the life that I had to beg Ryan, and sweet talk him to make me some.

The days when he didn’t make me the pancakes because of pity.

It went on like that for a few days. Ryan would bring me food, I’d look at it, trying to find an appetite, but failing. I’d take a couple bites though, 5 at most and down the water or juice with it. I would just sit in bed, and watch movies, read books and all that boring stuff. I’d shower when I felt like it, stay in my closet looking at all my clothes. But I never left my room. I’ve only seen Ryan once or twice, because he’d drop off my food whenever I was asleep or I was in the shower.

One day though, a few days before my brother and his girlfriend were to come back, Ryan busted into my room while I was watching a movie. He looked furious but I looked up at him calmly. I had no extra energy to spare to get mad at him.

He looked from the tray of food and back to me. “Eat,” he commanded. I shrugged, and took a bite. “Ugh!” he groaned in frustration. “I cannot take this anymore!” he shouted. I just tilted my head to the side and looked at him questioningly. When he just stared right back at me with an indescribable facial expression, I rolled my eyes and went back to Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf on the screen of Transformers 2.

“Hazelyn,” he said softer, as he sat on the foot of my bed, blocking my view of the TV. I raised an eyebrow at him. “Can you please talk? Talk to me, yell at me, argue with me, anything. Please,” he pleaded. “Hell, please fight with me, tell me that you don’t wanna be told what to do, tell me to leave you alone. Anything,” he said his voice desperate.

“What do you want me to say, Dolciani?” I asked him, calmly. At this point, I was tired. I was tired of thinking, I was tired of arguing. I was tired of everything. I didn’t care anymore.

“I don’t know! Just talk!” I rolled my eyes at him, and got up from my bed, and started walking towards the door. “Don’t turn your back on me when I talk to you,” he said as he grabbed my wrist, his finger right on the fresh cut. I squirmed under his grasp, gasping because of the pain. “What are you?” he asked as he looked down at his hand, where my wrist was bleeding. “Shit!” he mumbled as he gripped onto my other wrist, pulling me down the stairs, rushing around for the first aid kit and covering the cut.

“What’s wrong with you?” he boomed at me after he finished it. “Why would you cut?!” he asked. I just stared at him, my face bored. “Your cutting, your drinking. What do I not know? Do you do heroin too?!” he asked running his fingers through his hair.

“Why would you care?” I scoffed.

‘”I don’t. As I said the only-“

I glared at him. “If you’re going to rub to my face what you made me realize the last time we argued, then better not say anything,” I said to him. “If I don’t argue with you, you tell me to. And when I do, you argue back, what’s wrong with you?” I asked him, infuriated. “Oh and don’t say you don’t give a shit, because first of all, I know you well enough that if you don’t wanna do something, you won’t. Even for your sister. Don’t bullshit me. If you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t have bothered picking me up at that party, and had just let Gab take me home.

“I wouldn’t tattle on you, and you know that. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be here, trying to get me to eat, and trying to keep me alive. And the pancakes with Jason? Are you fucking kidding? Jason cannot make a pancake to save his life! And don’t you think I’d know the way you cook your pancakes? How it tastes? The right mixture? You really think I wouldn’t know?” I asked him. “And now you’re tripping about me cutting. If you didn’t care then you could leave me to die and let me live my life the way I fucking want it.”

“I can’t do this anymore,” he said running his fingers through his hair, his eyes closed.

“Can’t do what Ryan?” I challenged him. “Because if you can’t do this whole taking care of me bullshit, the door is right there. You are more than welcome to walk out of it and never come back. I wouldn’t give a shit at this point. I won’t tell my brother or your sister if that’s what you’re afraid of. If you don’t want me in your life, then fine. I’m not forcing you to stay here and look after me and my shitty self. But if you walk away now, I beg you to not come back,” I said to him, my eyes watering.

He sighed and sat down on the cough, resting his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands. “I can’t Hazelyn, I just can’t,” he grumbled.

“Can’t do what?” I repeated my question. “Nobody is fucking forcing you to do anything!” I yelled.

There were no words to answer my question. Only the feeling of the lips I’ve been craving for. The lips that I never expected that I would ever feel against mine once again.

He then looked up at me, a pool of different emotions in his eyes, then he said to me, “I can’t walk away from you! I can’t not care for you! As much as I don’t want to care, and no matter what I do and try to do Hazelyn, I still do care about you, a lot. And I don’t see it changing anytime soon.”