‹ Prequel: The Square Root
Endlessly
Don't Let Me Go...
~~~ Ryan POV ~~~
“If I hear anything about you and Hazelyn going out in public about your relationship, or if one of my eyes in this school see you together or even talk or hang out, I can have her license and diplima revoked,” Audrey's voice echoed in my head Monday morning as I drove to school.
I did as much as I could to avoid Hazelyn. First reason, was because I didn't want to trigger Audrey's bitchassness, and reason number two, was because I knew I'd break down and start apologizing to her and be the sissy I am when it comes to her.
On the last day of the semester, the guys and I gathered at Kyle's and I'd room to hang out, since I decided to transfer out of Standford. I mean, seriously. I really don't think that I would be able to keep myself away from Hazelyn.
Maybe for awhile, I did get carried away. I got carried away with out façade, that I even turned down her offers to spend time together. I mentally slapped myself for it, and physically tortured myself - working out and exerting myself when I realized what I had done. I pushed her away.
There was a knock on the door, making my head snap towards it. The guys were so into the game that I doubt they'd even noticed it. I then excused myself and stepped over their massive feet and bodies to get to the door. The person that was on the other side - facing me - made me want to run away and hide, but at the same time - I wanted to wrap my arms around her and kiss her like there's no tomorrow, and tell her how much I loved her.
But I guess the first choice would be much more possible than the second. I was amused of what I was recently thinking of for a second before I had to put up my façade.
“What?” I snapped. It hurt to talk to her this way, but it's the only way.
“Can we talk?” she asked quietly. She was so vulnerable right now, it tore my heart to pieces.
I looked back at the guys, then back at her and nodded, walking out into the hall and closing the door behind me. “You needed to talk?” I asked irritatedly. I saw a flash of hurt in her eyes. I wanted to hug her, and tell her everything will be okay… that I'll fix things, I'll figure things out, even though I wasn't sure I could. I just wanted to assure her that we'll stick together no matter what. But I couldn't. I just couldn't.
I'd do anything for her.
She smiled lightly. “You didn't show up,” she told me.
“Obviously,” I scoffed. She nodded thoughtfully. “Can you hurry up? There's a game,” I said as I crossed my arms and tapped my foot impatiently. I didn't wanna get caught and ruin everything for her. Not that I've gone this far.
She looked up into my eyes and started to speak. “I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you, that for a long while you made me feel top of the world, made me feel like I was on cloud-nine. Thank you for loving me, and for caring for me. Thank you for staying with me through those thunderstorms, thank you for transferring schools for me, making me feel like I was the happiest girl on the planet, and thank you for supporting me through everything that I've done. All my success was all thanks to you,” she smiled. What is she trying to say?
“I hope that you'll have fun during your stay here. Good luck on your games, I'll always be cheering you on. I hope that everything will work out well for you, and I hope that you'll reach your goals, the goals that we've talked about before. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I could be putting your reputation at risk right now, by talking to you. I'm sorry that I got in the way of all the things you wanted to do, I'm sorry for making you switch schools. I'm sorry that you're here right now, annoyed at me making my little speech. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the perfect girlfriend. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the right one for you. I'm sorry if I thought that you were the one for me, I'm sorry for looking forward to a future with you, and I'm sorry that I love you,” she said, tears strolling down her face.
I wanted to wipe them away, and just hug her, but I can't. How long would I be able to keep this up before I break? I didn't know for sure, but - I can't say it wouldn't hurt to try, because it would, for sure. - but I had to do everything I can to give her what she wants, and this school, that program means everything to her.
I hadn't noticed that a tear was strolling down my own cheek, until it fell onto my arm that was across my chest. I quickly wiped it away, and right after I did, Hazelyn stood on her tiptoes and hugged me. I almost melted, but instead, I stiffened at the sudden contact. She cleared her eyes just enough to reach up even more and kissed me on the lips, lingering for a little bit. I wanted to hold her down, keep kissing her and never stop - but before I knew it, I was whimpering because of the loss of contact between us.
She pulled back with a small smile on her face. A smile that said 'I'm hurt, but I'm smiling because I love you and I don't want to hurt you'
“I'm letting you go,” she said to me, and a shocked look was surely on my face. “You have a long way to go, Ry,” she smiled and walked away from me.
I grabbed her wrist, attempting to stop her. She turned around and looked back at me, a look of hope that I would at least stop her but I couldn't do this to her. Not her, not her future. So I let her go. And it felt like I was letting go of my life. The reason for my life. I felt like everything just crashed onto me. When she was out of sight, I broke down. I was in my dorm's hallway - on my knees, crying. Crying for the first time in three years.
I then got back into the room, my eyes free of any emotion. “Let's go party guys,” I said to them, grabbing my jacket. They all nodded and we headed out to the closest bar that we know that didn't ask for ID's.
I woke up the next morning with one hell of a hangover.
I moved back to our beach house in Santa Monica two weeks after Hazelyn and I have spoken. How she's been or her whereabouts, I had no clue. None of our her friends would tell me any details.
My days and nights have been the same as that first night. I would go to a club with my brother and a couple friends once or twice a week, and get smashed (which my brother would shake his head at, and make sure that I don't fuck things up by sleeping with a random slut). And most of the time, I'd go back to the mansion and get smashed there as I watched old videos from trips that Hazelyn and I have been to, watch slideshows of pictures, and go through scrapbooks.
I'm such a chick, I know. But it was the closest I could get to her.
Well, today, I woke up with a hangover because last night's video was the first time that I confessed to her. It was like a movie, the kissing in the rain, the tears. Ah shit, what's happening to me?!
I groaned and got out of bed, jumping into the shower to get the stench of alcohol from me. I was out of the shower after 10 minutes, and was dressed completely in 20. As I was walking down the stairs, I overheard familiar voices.
“You guys can stay here, I'm the only one staying here, with constant visits from Jason, and some helpers,” I heard my sister's voice.
I inched myself forward, but kept myself hidden from their view, but enough so that I could see who was there. My sister knew I was here, of course, but I practically begged her to not tell anybody that I've transferred out of Stanford. I'm pretty sure Samantha and Kyle wouldn't have minded. They both had moved into a house together outside of the campus, because he was so pissed at me and told me that he'd rather move out, since he was so tempted to murder me in my sleep.
I saw Samantha and Kyle, Jack, Luke, and Scotty. “Are you sure?” Scotty asked. “We can always rent out hotels,” he offered.
“Seriously? We have like, 20 spare bedrooms and you want to stay at a hotel? The other house is basically a hotel” my sister laughed.
“Fine,” they mumbled and set their bags down.
“So, when are we seeing Hazelyn?” Luke asked. I frowned. I don't like it when he gets near my girl. Oh wait, she's not mine anymore.
“Yeah, I'm really worried about her. I haven't talked to her in days,” Samantha said worriedly.
“I'm not sure if she's doing well,” Scotty added.
“I checked on her a week ago, and she doesn't look good. Nobody really makes it past the door,” my sister frowned.
“What do you mean?” Jack asked. (HAHA! Sounds like jackassed - sorry -.-)
“Like, when Tristan and I check on how she's doing, she always makes up and excuse that she has to get something done, or she's tired. We've only seen her leave her house once or twice. Hell, I'm not even sure she has food in there,” my sister said.
I started to get worried. “Where is she staying now?” Luke asked.
“Her Santa Monica house, near the school,” Stephanie said. Bitch didn't tell me she's here! Wait, why the fuck is she here?! She's supposed to be in Stanford! “You guys go unpack, and you can take my Highlander and go see her,” Stephanie said to them. “I'll follow later, I have to get some things done,” she said. They all nodded and went to the East Wing of the house.
A few hours later, I finally had the guts to make my way to Hazelyn's house. It's been a couple years since I've been through this familiar route, and not much has changed. The streets got a wee bit busier, but not as busy as the main ones. I pulled up my car behind the Highlander that was in the driveway and contemplated to knock on the door? What if one of the guys answer? My face would get beaten up. It would get deformed! My body would get deformed. Hell, you deserve it. Touché.
Before I knew it, I was ringing the doorbell. My heart was beating out of my chest, and each second seemed like an hour. Finally, the door opened to reveal the person that I've been dying to see and hold for almost two months.
Her face was filled with so much shock, she didn't bother to cover it up. And again, the next thing I knew, she blacked out. What is up with her and blacking out?
A million things were running in my mind, but the first thing I did was catch her, keeping her from hitting anything. Luke then ran up to me, but I carried Hazelyn. He never once took his eyes off me as he shouted incoherent words. I was at shock and in panic at the moment. Kyle and Samantha started shouting, and I was still in shock.
“We can take care of her here,” I said after Samantha had shouted out the word Hospital.
“No, we can't. Don't tell us what to do about anything concerning Hazelyn's health. You don't know what's happening. So, if you wanna know what's good for you, get her into your fucking car and drive as fast as you can to the hospital, and get her into the emergency room, and get immediate attention,” Kyle growled, in a stance that was ready to attack, but Samantha was holding onto his arm.
I got the message, and I immediately jumped into action, running Hazelyn to my car, snapping on her seatbelt and Luke jumped into the passenger's seat.
We raced to the hospital in silence, probably breaking at least twenty laws. We came to a screeching halt in front of the Emergency room, and I jumped out of his seat, threw the door open, and carefully took Hazelyn - practically flew into the emergency room.
They wouldn't give Hazelyn immediate attention, and I went into hysterics. They wouldn't pay attention to my requests, and I did the only thing I knew that would get their attention. I took out five $100 bills, and slapped it onto the table. The nurse just looked at it, and a few minutes later, the doctor came rushing out.
The doctor explained Hazelyn's condition, and I was stunned. It's my fault. It should be me in that hospital bed, not Hazelyn. Not her. I'd take anything for her. I'd take a bullet for her. I'd give her my own life if I had to.
“You bastard. If anything happens to Hazelyn. Anything bad. You are going to fucking regret it. You don't know how much shit you've put her through, and you don't know how broken she is. Why are you even here? Huh Dolciani? You're not welcome here anymore. The moment that you chose those fake fags over Hazelyn, you aren't a part of us anymore. So get the fuck out of here before I call Tristan and have your ass killed,” she said through gritted teeth.
“Why are you here?” Kyle asked, pulling Samantha back.
“I needed to talk to her,” I said, my voice cracking.
“Why? So you can break her even more? To show off how good your life is now that she's gone? Or maybe show off how many sluts you've fucked? Maybe how much better you are without her?!” Samantha shrieked.
“Sam, relax, he has his reasons,” Luke spoke up. I looked up at him hopefully. “But first,” he said and walked up to me, and gave me one hell of a punch. “That's for hurting her,” he said to me.
“Guys! What happened?!” Lago came up to us, his eyes frantic. Tristan was behind him, also in panic.
“Where's my sister? Is she okay?” he asked running his hands through his hair. Stephanie was behind him too, and held onto his forearm. Her eyes landed on me, and her grip tightened on Tristan. He looked down at her, and followed her eyes.
He stood rigid for a moment, and his hands clenched into fists. He carefully took Stephanie's off of his arms and walked towards me. He didn't say anything, but began beating the shit out of me. A fist thrown here and there, several blows to the stomach, but nothing major. I'll tell you what. Tristan knows how to throw a punch.
I wasn't surprised at all, because I knew that it would come sooner or later. If he did that to my sister, and if my sister was on that hospital bed, with insufficient oxygen and blood loss, I would beat the lights out of him too, and would force stars to revolve around him.
Everyone just stared, and everyone must've noticed that I didn't even fight back. Even Stephanie didn't stop her boyfriend from beating me up, but she did step in after a bit.
“Tristan, that's my brother, please, I think he had enough,” she said to him.
He stepped back from her, and I wiped away the drops of blood from the corner of my lip. “It's okay. I deserved that. He warned me before, that if a single tear runs down Hazelyn's face, he'll beat the shit out of me,” I said, looking straight at Tristan's eyes. “If anything, I deserve more.”
“If I hear anything about you and Hazelyn going out in public about your relationship, or if one of my eyes in this school see you together or even talk or hang out, I can have her license and diplima revoked,” Audrey's voice echoed in my head Monday morning as I drove to school.
I did as much as I could to avoid Hazelyn. First reason, was because I didn't want to trigger Audrey's bitchassness, and reason number two, was because I knew I'd break down and start apologizing to her and be the sissy I am when it comes to her.
On the last day of the semester, the guys and I gathered at Kyle's and I'd room to hang out, since I decided to transfer out of Standford. I mean, seriously. I really don't think that I would be able to keep myself away from Hazelyn.
Maybe for awhile, I did get carried away. I got carried away with out façade, that I even turned down her offers to spend time together. I mentally slapped myself for it, and physically tortured myself - working out and exerting myself when I realized what I had done. I pushed her away.
There was a knock on the door, making my head snap towards it. The guys were so into the game that I doubt they'd even noticed it. I then excused myself and stepped over their massive feet and bodies to get to the door. The person that was on the other side - facing me - made me want to run away and hide, but at the same time - I wanted to wrap my arms around her and kiss her like there's no tomorrow, and tell her how much I loved her.
But I guess the first choice would be much more possible than the second. I was amused of what I was recently thinking of for a second before I had to put up my façade.
“What?” I snapped. It hurt to talk to her this way, but it's the only way.
“Can we talk?” she asked quietly. She was so vulnerable right now, it tore my heart to pieces.
I looked back at the guys, then back at her and nodded, walking out into the hall and closing the door behind me. “You needed to talk?” I asked irritatedly. I saw a flash of hurt in her eyes. I wanted to hug her, and tell her everything will be okay… that I'll fix things, I'll figure things out, even though I wasn't sure I could. I just wanted to assure her that we'll stick together no matter what. But I couldn't. I just couldn't.
I'd do anything for her.
She smiled lightly. “You didn't show up,” she told me.
“Obviously,” I scoffed. She nodded thoughtfully. “Can you hurry up? There's a game,” I said as I crossed my arms and tapped my foot impatiently. I didn't wanna get caught and ruin everything for her. Not that I've gone this far.
She looked up into my eyes and started to speak. “I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you, that for a long while you made me feel top of the world, made me feel like I was on cloud-nine. Thank you for loving me, and for caring for me. Thank you for staying with me through those thunderstorms, thank you for transferring schools for me, making me feel like I was the happiest girl on the planet, and thank you for supporting me through everything that I've done. All my success was all thanks to you,” she smiled. What is she trying to say?
“I hope that you'll have fun during your stay here. Good luck on your games, I'll always be cheering you on. I hope that everything will work out well for you, and I hope that you'll reach your goals, the goals that we've talked about before. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I could be putting your reputation at risk right now, by talking to you. I'm sorry that I got in the way of all the things you wanted to do, I'm sorry for making you switch schools. I'm sorry that you're here right now, annoyed at me making my little speech. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the perfect girlfriend. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the right one for you. I'm sorry if I thought that you were the one for me, I'm sorry for looking forward to a future with you, and I'm sorry that I love you,” she said, tears strolling down her face.
I wanted to wipe them away, and just hug her, but I can't. How long would I be able to keep this up before I break? I didn't know for sure, but - I can't say it wouldn't hurt to try, because it would, for sure. - but I had to do everything I can to give her what she wants, and this school, that program means everything to her.
I hadn't noticed that a tear was strolling down my own cheek, until it fell onto my arm that was across my chest. I quickly wiped it away, and right after I did, Hazelyn stood on her tiptoes and hugged me. I almost melted, but instead, I stiffened at the sudden contact. She cleared her eyes just enough to reach up even more and kissed me on the lips, lingering for a little bit. I wanted to hold her down, keep kissing her and never stop - but before I knew it, I was whimpering because of the loss of contact between us.
She pulled back with a small smile on her face. A smile that said 'I'm hurt, but I'm smiling because I love you and I don't want to hurt you'
“I'm letting you go,” she said to me, and a shocked look was surely on my face. “You have a long way to go, Ry,” she smiled and walked away from me.
I grabbed her wrist, attempting to stop her. She turned around and looked back at me, a look of hope that I would at least stop her but I couldn't do this to her. Not her, not her future. So I let her go. And it felt like I was letting go of my life. The reason for my life. I felt like everything just crashed onto me. When she was out of sight, I broke down. I was in my dorm's hallway - on my knees, crying. Crying for the first time in three years.
I then got back into the room, my eyes free of any emotion. “Let's go party guys,” I said to them, grabbing my jacket. They all nodded and we headed out to the closest bar that we know that didn't ask for ID's.
I woke up the next morning with one hell of a hangover.
~/~/~/~/~
I moved back to our beach house in Santa Monica two weeks after Hazelyn and I have spoken. How she's been or her whereabouts, I had no clue. None of our her friends would tell me any details.
My days and nights have been the same as that first night. I would go to a club with my brother and a couple friends once or twice a week, and get smashed (which my brother would shake his head at, and make sure that I don't fuck things up by sleeping with a random slut). And most of the time, I'd go back to the mansion and get smashed there as I watched old videos from trips that Hazelyn and I have been to, watch slideshows of pictures, and go through scrapbooks.
I'm such a chick, I know. But it was the closest I could get to her.
Well, today, I woke up with a hangover because last night's video was the first time that I confessed to her. It was like a movie, the kissing in the rain, the tears. Ah shit, what's happening to me?!
I groaned and got out of bed, jumping into the shower to get the stench of alcohol from me. I was out of the shower after 10 minutes, and was dressed completely in 20. As I was walking down the stairs, I overheard familiar voices.
“You guys can stay here, I'm the only one staying here, with constant visits from Jason, and some helpers,” I heard my sister's voice.
I inched myself forward, but kept myself hidden from their view, but enough so that I could see who was there. My sister knew I was here, of course, but I practically begged her to not tell anybody that I've transferred out of Stanford. I'm pretty sure Samantha and Kyle wouldn't have minded. They both had moved into a house together outside of the campus, because he was so pissed at me and told me that he'd rather move out, since he was so tempted to murder me in my sleep.
I saw Samantha and Kyle, Jack, Luke, and Scotty. “Are you sure?” Scotty asked. “We can always rent out hotels,” he offered.
“Seriously? We have like, 20 spare bedrooms and you want to stay at a hotel? The other house is basically a hotel” my sister laughed.
“Fine,” they mumbled and set their bags down.
“So, when are we seeing Hazelyn?” Luke asked. I frowned. I don't like it when he gets near my girl. Oh wait, she's not mine anymore.
“Yeah, I'm really worried about her. I haven't talked to her in days,” Samantha said worriedly.
“I'm not sure if she's doing well,” Scotty added.
“I checked on her a week ago, and she doesn't look good. Nobody really makes it past the door,” my sister frowned.
“What do you mean?” Jack asked. (HAHA! Sounds like jackassed - sorry -.-)
“Like, when Tristan and I check on how she's doing, she always makes up and excuse that she has to get something done, or she's tired. We've only seen her leave her house once or twice. Hell, I'm not even sure she has food in there,” my sister said.
I started to get worried. “Where is she staying now?” Luke asked.
“Her Santa Monica house, near the school,” Stephanie said. Bitch didn't tell me she's here! Wait, why the fuck is she here?! She's supposed to be in Stanford! “You guys go unpack, and you can take my Highlander and go see her,” Stephanie said to them. “I'll follow later, I have to get some things done,” she said. They all nodded and went to the East Wing of the house.
A few hours later, I finally had the guts to make my way to Hazelyn's house. It's been a couple years since I've been through this familiar route, and not much has changed. The streets got a wee bit busier, but not as busy as the main ones. I pulled up my car behind the Highlander that was in the driveway and contemplated to knock on the door? What if one of the guys answer? My face would get beaten up. It would get deformed! My body would get deformed. Hell, you deserve it. Touché.
Before I knew it, I was ringing the doorbell. My heart was beating out of my chest, and each second seemed like an hour. Finally, the door opened to reveal the person that I've been dying to see and hold for almost two months.
Her face was filled with so much shock, she didn't bother to cover it up. And again, the next thing I knew, she blacked out. What is up with her and blacking out?
A million things were running in my mind, but the first thing I did was catch her, keeping her from hitting anything. Luke then ran up to me, but I carried Hazelyn. He never once took his eyes off me as he shouted incoherent words. I was at shock and in panic at the moment. Kyle and Samantha started shouting, and I was still in shock.
“We can take care of her here,” I said after Samantha had shouted out the word Hospital.
“No, we can't. Don't tell us what to do about anything concerning Hazelyn's health. You don't know what's happening. So, if you wanna know what's good for you, get her into your fucking car and drive as fast as you can to the hospital, and get her into the emergency room, and get immediate attention,” Kyle growled, in a stance that was ready to attack, but Samantha was holding onto his arm.
I got the message, and I immediately jumped into action, running Hazelyn to my car, snapping on her seatbelt and Luke jumped into the passenger's seat.
We raced to the hospital in silence, probably breaking at least twenty laws. We came to a screeching halt in front of the Emergency room, and I jumped out of his seat, threw the door open, and carefully took Hazelyn - practically flew into the emergency room.
They wouldn't give Hazelyn immediate attention, and I went into hysterics. They wouldn't pay attention to my requests, and I did the only thing I knew that would get their attention. I took out five $100 bills, and slapped it onto the table. The nurse just looked at it, and a few minutes later, the doctor came rushing out.
The doctor explained Hazelyn's condition, and I was stunned. It's my fault. It should be me in that hospital bed, not Hazelyn. Not her. I'd take anything for her. I'd take a bullet for her. I'd give her my own life if I had to.
“You bastard. If anything happens to Hazelyn. Anything bad. You are going to fucking regret it. You don't know how much shit you've put her through, and you don't know how broken she is. Why are you even here? Huh Dolciani? You're not welcome here anymore. The moment that you chose those fake fags over Hazelyn, you aren't a part of us anymore. So get the fuck out of here before I call Tristan and have your ass killed,” she said through gritted teeth.
“Why are you here?” Kyle asked, pulling Samantha back.
“I needed to talk to her,” I said, my voice cracking.
“Why? So you can break her even more? To show off how good your life is now that she's gone? Or maybe show off how many sluts you've fucked? Maybe how much better you are without her?!” Samantha shrieked.
“Sam, relax, he has his reasons,” Luke spoke up. I looked up at him hopefully. “But first,” he said and walked up to me, and gave me one hell of a punch. “That's for hurting her,” he said to me.
“Guys! What happened?!” Lago came up to us, his eyes frantic. Tristan was behind him, also in panic.
“Where's my sister? Is she okay?” he asked running his hands through his hair. Stephanie was behind him too, and held onto his forearm. Her eyes landed on me, and her grip tightened on Tristan. He looked down at her, and followed her eyes.
He stood rigid for a moment, and his hands clenched into fists. He carefully took Stephanie's off of his arms and walked towards me. He didn't say anything, but began beating the shit out of me. A fist thrown here and there, several blows to the stomach, but nothing major. I'll tell you what. Tristan knows how to throw a punch.
I wasn't surprised at all, because I knew that it would come sooner or later. If he did that to my sister, and if my sister was on that hospital bed, with insufficient oxygen and blood loss, I would beat the lights out of him too, and would force stars to revolve around him.
Everyone just stared, and everyone must've noticed that I didn't even fight back. Even Stephanie didn't stop her boyfriend from beating me up, but she did step in after a bit.
“Tristan, that's my brother, please, I think he had enough,” she said to him.
He stepped back from her, and I wiped away the drops of blood from the corner of my lip. “It's okay. I deserved that. He warned me before, that if a single tear runs down Hazelyn's face, he'll beat the shit out of me,” I said, looking straight at Tristan's eyes. “If anything, I deserve more.”