Speechless

It felt like déjà vu, walking to that front porch once more to face the man that only brought me down each time I tried. This time, I was going to get what I wanted no matter what the consequences may be. My fingers traced the doorknob. Was I really going to try this again? Yes. I was. The doorknob turned slowly as my heard began to beat faster and faster. This was it. This was the moment I would finally stand up for myself once and for all.

He was sitting in his recliner, fast asleep. There was no sign of alcohol. The scent of booze was absent. The feeling of being sober must have been a new one to him. In this house, it was new to me. I took in the scent of what a home should smell like. The scent I missed from so long ago before my mother left us. It was warm and inviting, almost like a real family. His eyes fluttered as I walked through the living room, a sign that he wasn’t in a deep enough sleep yet. His body twisted a moment before his eyes shot wide open only to view my timid body standing right in front of his own.

“Ryan?”

“Hi, Dad,” I defiantly replied. “We need to talk.”

“Look, Ryan –”

I cut him off. “Dad, I need to talk.”

“Okay.”

I was stunned for a moment before speaking again. He actually shut up for me of all people. It was the alcohol before. I knew somewhere, deep down, there was a man who cared. He was just in hiding behind the depths of a drunken safety net. “Dad, I can’t live at Brendon’s forever. You can’t just shove me off like dead weight just because you don’t like who I am. Oh, and I want to go high school. I want to start my junior year with Brendon.”

“Ryan, you’re welcome back any time.”

“Wait, what?”

“Look, I don’t like that you have a… a boyfriend… um, but you’re right. This is your home, too.”

“You’re… you’re letting me come home?”

“Yes.”

Tears flooded my face – this time they were something good, something happy. I never felt tears of pure joy before. I know he didn’t really accept me. He didn’t like who I was and what I had become, but he was letting me come home. There wasn’t complete happiness in this bittersweet victory, but it was a start, nonetheless. A start only leads to a new life, a new beginning. Maybe he would change.

“And… school?”

“I’ll register you later. I’m actually glad you want to go back. It’ll do you some good.” I knew he just wanted me around girls again. He wanted me to be “normal,” whatever that was. “Plus, paying for this online school bullshit is burning a hole in my wallet. You barely even use the damn thing, anyways.”

“Yeah…”

“I may not be perfect, son, but I’m glad you’re back. Things get lonely when you’re not around.”

That pulled at my heart strings. He wanted me here. He thought he didn’t want me, but he did. He really did. I wasn’t his ideal son, but I was still his sun either way, and he finally let me in.

“I…” I didn’t know what to say or how to react. I had never felt happiness like this before. “I’m going to go tell Brendon the news. I’ll probably stay at his house again, just one more night.”

“Okay, well… I’ll be here.”

“Dad, thanks.”

He waved at me, unsure of what to say next. I was beginning to like his sober self. Only time would tell if he stayed that way.

I ran and ran and ran across my yard and into Brendon’s. That had only been 5 minutes, tops. I hurriedly pushed open their front door and crashed into a waiting Brendon’s arms. He instantly recognized my hyper excitement and welcomed it with a warm smile. “I take it things went amazingly well, didn’t they?”

“For the time being, yes.”

“What happened, exactly?”

“I’m moving back home.”

“What?”

“He said he missed me.”

“He… said that?” He was baffled as if I had broken the laws of physics or something to that effect.

“Yes, he did.”

“I… I’m happy for you.” There was hesitation in his words, however true they may have been.

“What is it, Brendon?”

“I was just hoping that maybe you would just kind of, I dunno, stay here forever.”

“I’m staying here tonight, again. You can stay at my house, too.”

“I’d like that.”

It was settled. We’d go back and forth, never losing sight of each other. It was a cliché ending to a minor problem, except my dad had no idea that I wanted to invite Brendon into our home every other night. I wondered if he would allow it, but I kept my worries to myself. Today would be about Brendon, not me. My problems were temporarily solved, so now it was his turn to get a little bit of the spotlight. Every day I felt like he gave me everything; I took it all and gave nothing back. I began wondering why he loved me, once again. I always question the good things that come to me. Why did he love me, though? I was just a broken child, destined to stay broken. He was the perfect one. He was the one who was actually happy. He was only trying to clean up my mess and fix me up, but in the end, his efforts would be wasted. This feeling in my gut was sure of it.