Speechless

And so it was settled, I was going back to school. Of course, I didn’t realize exactly how nerve-wrecking it would be until it actually happened. I sat in the passenger seat of the car while biting the tips of my fingernails down until I couldn’t bite anymore. I overdid my look. I knew it. I looked in the side-view mirror of Brendon’s car. The perfectly smudged eyeliner, the mini faux-hawk, the dark red vest contrasting against the ruffled collar of my favorite ivory dress shirt, the dark black skinny jeans showing off my lack of curves, and the shiny dress shoes tied the look together. Everything about my look screams gay, and yet I chose to wear it anyways. I wore things like this back when I thought I was straight, and I still got dirty looks. Imagine what would happen to someone as flamboyant as me in a school like this. Brendon didn’t seem to be nervous, though he was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, the same casual clothes as everyone else. Why did I feel the need to play dress up? It seemed like a good idea at the time.

“You gonna make it, Ry?”

“I-I… I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. Well you do, but… you definitely don’t sound fine.”

“I haven’t been inside a fucking school since, ugh, God knows when. I can’t even remember what grade it was.” That was another problem. I didn’t even remember how to act in social situations with huge crowds of bitchy, whiny teenagers, such as myself. Everyone here was selfish, obsessed with their own little bubble, but unwilling to break free of it. Just like me.

“I know, I know. It’ll be okay, Ry. We have the same exact schedule, thanks to my mom. I’ll be there the whole time, okay?”

“I know…” Yet, I was still unsure. As comforting as the idea of Brendon standing by me the entire time was, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the idea of being such an outcast in this place. Brendon was afraid, too. I could see it in his eyes, the way they were glassed over with a barely detectable hint of fear. My hands were shaking as he pulled into the school parking lot. The large brick building looked like it could have been an institution of some sort. That’s exactly what I needed – a fucking institution. “This place is just… not homey at all.”

“It’s a school, what do you expect?” he laughed, as if it was normal to walk into such a hideous building daily and think nothing of the confinement you’re stuck in each and every day. “Come on, let’s go.”

I gulped nothing but pure air as forced myself out of the safe haven that was Brendon’s car. We walked together, side by side, but this time, our hands were disconnected. He and I both knew it would be a while before we could handle anything like that in a place like this.

“Ready?” he asked as he reached for the ugly industrial doors of the building.

“Ready,” I said, with a smile of fake confidence on my face – anything to please him. We walked into the building, heads held high, hands held separately by our sides. Ross was back, and with a new kid. People noticed.

“Hey, is that… is that the one kid that dropped out in like elementary school?” I heard someone say. “Oh my God, it is. It’s that Ross kid, isn’t it?”

Let the games begin.

Brendon and I ignored the stares and gasps from the few peers that remembered me, and the even fewer who actually remembered my name.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t my favorite couple.”

“Beat it, Pete,” Brendon said. Anger and hatred flooded my mind. Not again. Not on the first fucking day.

“You can’t tell me what to do,” he said. “So, what brings you to this neck of the woods?”

“Fuck off,” Brendon said more violently this time. He grabbed a hold of my hand and pulled me away from our favorite douche bag. We got away quickly, but people kept staring at our hands which were connected at this point. Oops.

Brendon let go first. We walked into our home room together without another word. “Ahh, I don’t recognize you two. Are you our new students?”

“Yes. I’m Brendon. This is Ryan.” He was doing all the talking for me, no matter how minor it was, as if he knew deep down that I wasn’t ready to let anyone hear my voice.

“Welcome to Palo Verde. You can take any seats you’d like. Homeroom doesn’t start for another 10 minutes, though,” she said. The teacher was very young. She had jet black hair and piercing blue eyes. Her pale skin contrasted her hair in an eerie way, but she was awfully beautiful.

“That’s okay. We’d be more comfortable alone right now.”

“I understand that. I was a new kid once. Moved to Vegas my sophomore year of high school. I can’t say it was the most fun experience of my life.” She gave a sympathetic nod, but questioned my inability to speak with his eyes.

Brendon and I quickly took our seats, no longer wanting to continue the slightly uncomfortable conversation with our homeroom teacher. We sat at a desk in the back corner of the room, side-by-side and completely inseparable. We stayed silent, but communicated with our fingers and feet under the desk. I was somewhat thankful that instead of individual desks, this room had desks to accommodate partners. I rested my head against Brendon’s shoulder, searching for some form of comfort in this unfamiliar building. Our new teacher seemed to notice, but didn’t look disgusted in any way, shape, or form. In fact, she looked as if she adored it. I jolted up as students began to fill the room. My face was flushed, and so was Brendon’s. No one seemed to notice us, though.

The bell rang shortly, and the teacher got up from her desk and began speaking to the class. “Good morning, everyone. I’m Miss Stevens. Welcome back to school. I know you’re all super excited to be here right now.” It was the most sarcastic tone of voice I had ever heard coming from a teacher. I knew I would like this woman. “So, I’m just going to let you guys do whatever for now. You’re probably too tired to function as it is. Just keep it appropriate, okay?” A few people smirked at that last comment as she sat back down on her desk and used her computer. I could see from here that she was actually on Facebook. She really didn’t want to be here either, I suppose.

“Hi, I’m Spencer.” I looked up and saw a familiar figure. Brunette hair with piercing blue eyes, a round face, an irresistible smile. I remembered him. I remembered him quite well, actually. Spencer Smith was his name. We used to play together in grade school before I dropped out and switched to online schooling. He didn’t seem to recognize me, however.

“Hey, I’m Brendon, and this is –” I gave Brendon a look, stopping him from saying my name.

“Who?”

“Apparently this is he who shall not be named.”

“Oh.” Then a look of understanding spread out across Spencer’s face. “Ohhh. It’s Ryan.” Shit. “Long time, no see. I thought you dropped out forever, disappeared off the face of the earth, moved, died, I don’t know.”

Well, gee. That’s awesome. “Hey, he’s had a rough time.”

“Ahh… So, Ryan, how have you been? What happened to you, anyways?”

I shook my head, unwilling to speak. Brendon gave me a pleading look. He didn’t want my anti-social habits to bore Spencer and make him walk away. Brendon thrived on social attention, when I clearly did not.

“He doesn’t like to speak sometimes.” How about all the time? “It’s kind of… it’s not my place to talk about.”

“How do you know him?”

“I moved in next door to him this summer.”

“I’m glad you guys met, then. I thought I’d never see this kid again. I sure did miss him.” Wait, what? I looked back up at the boy I had known once long ago with a longing to meet him once again. “I’ll see you guys around, I guess. First period is about to start.”

“See ya!” Brendon replied in an excited voice.

I waved at him, gave him a slight smile. He seemed to notice my improved efforts. I felt bad instantly that my voice had been unable to reach him. Suddenly, the bell rang. Brendon and I quickly got up and bolted out the room to our next class, not wanting to be late because we couldn’t find the classroom. Luckily, this one wasn’t as hard to find as we thought it might have been.

The bell rang again as our first real class of the day began.

“Good morning, class. I’m Mr. Brudnak, and this is Algebra 2.” She was an older woman, but not too old. She was pleasant, positive, and friendly. I could handle this class if the teacher was good enough, I thought. She gave us a basic run-down of the class, handed us our text books, and told us to complete section one of the first chapter. This would be easy for me because I had delved a little into Algebra 2 online, plus, the first chapter was mostly review on Algebra 1. Brendon looked a bit frustrated with the simple equations, but I let him struggle.

Class was over, eventually, and it was time to move onto English – my favorite class. Brendon didn’t say a word. He seemed to be dragging on slowly throughout the day without excitement which was unusual for him.

“Brendon,” I said as we walked down the noisy, crowded hallway, “what’s bugging you?”

“Nothing. I just forgot how much I hate school,” he said with a laugh.

“Oh, well thanks for making the future look brighter.”

“Any time, Ry. Anytime.”

“So you do talk,” said a familiar voice that had been listening in on our conversation. “And so we meet again.”

“Hi, Spencer,” Brendon greeted eagerly.

“Hey, Brendon. Hey, Ryan. What class are you guys going to next?”

“AP English. Ryan’s probable best class. My mom pulled some strings to get me in with him.”

Spencer quietly chuckled to himself. I could see the speculations already. He never was the oblivious type if I remembered correctly. “That’s where I’m headed, too.”

“Great!” Brendon said, “It’s nice to know at least someone, even if we only just met.”

They kept talking and talking. I quietly watched as my best friend, the person I love, neglected my attention as we walked like a trio in the hallway, and I was the one in back.