Speechless

“So, how was school?”

A sober voice called out for me, but I ignored it. Dinner became cold and tasteless as I stared down at my untouched meal.

“Ryan, are you going to answer me?”

“No.”

“You seemed fine when you came home. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay.”

I continued this charade until he excused himself from the kitchen table to watch the news. I quickly dumped the food on my plate in the garbage, not caring that it was a waste. I wasn’t hungry. I stared out the window to my right. The sky was dark, but the moon was bright. The stars weren’t easy to see, but I could make out a few here and there. The nights were lonely, the days were boring, and I felt numb again. Every day was the same; every night was no different.

“Brendon…” I whispered to myself.

The past few days had been a living hell for him. As it turns out, someone had overheard our little conversation with Spencer. The results? We were no longer what anyone would consider as “normal.” No. We were outcasts and freaks, isolated from society and constant targets of humiliation. Who had overheard us? I had absolutely no clue, but I knew for a fact that Spencer was not the type to blab about that kind of thing.

And so it began, the days that we would hate forever. The years of our lives where everything was not okay. Why was it that every time something was okay, it never lasted? This summer had been it for me, but it was so short… I needed more time. I needed more Brendon. Still, I didn’t actually mind school all that much. I realized it wasn’t that hard to be the quiet kid sitting in the back. I didn’t have to talk. Brendon and Spencer heard my voice, yes, but no one else really paid attention. No one else cared. I liked it that way. Brendon… not so much. He was the talkative type. He liked to have friends, go out on weekends, and just have a good time. No one wanted to do that with either of us, now.

I looked over at Brendon’s backyard through the kitchen window. He was sitting on the deck, staring at the moon just like I was. His face looked so lonely. He was so lonely.

“Dad, I’m going over to Brendon’s.”

“Be back before midnight.”

“Okay.”

I head out the back door without another word. I was stealthy about it, not making any sudden noises or movements. I didn’t want him to know I was out here until I was actually there.

I crept across our yards, the night acting as a cloak of invisibility. I was not easily seen in my nearly all-black attire. I hid by the side of his deck, wondering if he sensed my presence or not. By the looks of it, he was too focused on the moonlight sky to really notice my arrival.

“Hi.”

Brendon jumped a bit and fell off of his whicker chair which also toppled over. His startled face was more beautiful than ever in the moon light. He slowly regained repose as he put the chair back in its rightful position.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s me.”

“Oh.” Relief was nowhere to be found in his precious voice. The sweet perfection was deluded by a trembling nervousness that could be detected by the deafest of ears.

“Brendon… what’s the matter?”

His eyes were hard and glassy, unwilling to tell me what was bottled up deep inside.

“Those people at school are jerks. We have each other, Bren. We don’t need them.”

He didn’t respond. He continued to stare out into the sky, waiting for some sort of answer. I watched as he attempted to sit down as his body trembled. Something happened.

“Bren, tell me what’s going on.”

“Ry, I think it’s best if we stop seeing each other.”

This wasn’t happening. It just wasn’t possible. I stared in shock, my voice unable to work. My heart beat at an awful pace, consuming all my energy. All I wanted to do was scream and cry and beg for mercy, but my body wouldn’t let me.

“Ryan, I know just as well as you know how cruel people can be,” he began, “so before things get out of hand, I think we should stop this foolishness. Come on, it’s high school. Relationships at this age never mean anything, right? Let’s just be friends, okay?”

He said it with such ease. I couldn’t breathe. My mind was clouded. Everything went black.

I woke up that bright Saturday morning in a daze. I was in my bedroom staring at the ceiling, praying to the Lord for any small chance that last night had never happened.