I Can't Stay Away

Trying to find slutty clothes was actually really hard for me I was nothing close to a whore but picking out clothes to wear meant more time to hang out with Eric. I knew I was becoming desperate but he is what I realized I’ve wanted but I felt that he changed his mind of me, and when I would feel this way he would kiss me but I wasn’t sure if it meant the same to him as it did for me.
“Why are you so good to me?” I asked as we sat on the couch together watching some random snowboarding DVD.
“I only seem good because when compared to Jon, a complete fuck head looks like a saint.” I laughed “I mean he didn’t even do anything to me and I’m stoked to get back at him.” We were awkwardly quiet for a bit longer I was so embarrassed about getting back with Jon.
“So once I finally break up with him, What’s going to happen to us?” I awkwardly asked it was something I was overly curious about and I hoped for an answer I wanted to hear.
“What do you want me to say Kennedy?” He paused sighing “Yea I like you, but I don’t know. Kennedy if you were stupid enough to get back with Jon then who knows what you and me would be like. I want to say we’d work out but I definitely have my doubt. Plus we made the rule no dating anyone on the tour.” It was definitely not the answer I wanted.
“Have you ever been in a long lasting relationship? Do you understand how dependent you get in a relationship especially when you live with them? Jon was that for me, I was connected to that. I don’t understand why no one gets that.” I was frustrated
“Kennedy, don’t assume stuff that you don’t know. And yes I have been in a relationship that was even longer than Jon and yourself and yes I know that you get used to it but you need to learn to move on no matter how hard that is for you.” He sighed, “This is what being with you would be like wouldn’t it? Just you assuming I don’t know how you feel when truth is, I know much more than you’d expect.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t know, I didn’t mean to assume things I’m just frustrated that you think we wouldn’t work out.”
“It’s fine maybe you should just think less about us and more about ending your relationship with Jon, because whether or not I want to be with you he will always be in the way until you get rid of him.” I wanted to run out of the bus and just end it with Jon but I knew, everyone knew I couldn’t. “But do either of us really need relationships right now?” I just sighed as I stood up from my seat and got off the bus. When would be the right time for us?
I walked around the venue before the doors opened it was so empty I felt so alone. Even though there were a few people there setting things up it was just silent. It was the most quiet I had heard since I started the tour, even when I slept there was music in my ears. I never usually liked the quiet but right now I needed it. And I realized I’m over it I’m over everything I didn’t need a committed relationship, Eric was right about that. Even if it’s what I wanted I didn’t need someone to depend on. I can’t just put all my faith in another guy so soon plus the fact was I was still with Jon but until I figure things out and I’m ready for a dedicated relationship I could still have merely physical relationships with people. It always seemed to work for Jon and maybe it would make me semi sane again.
I began to hear more noise and I realized doors were open and I needed to work. I got to merch and Eric had been working my job while I was away. “I thought about what you said, we obviously don’t need a relationship your right, I don’t need a commitment physical is fine with me.” I laughed at myself, I was upset but I just pretended not to be I didn’t want to be upset everyday of this tour. He agreed with what I said and then went off to go smoke before their set. I wanted to smoke to, just to clear my thoughts, I was sick of caring about what I did I wanted to take risks and say yes more often.
“Only an hour into my day Ollie came up to me. “Look Kenny I’m really trying to make this up to you I didn’t mean to cross boundaries I just, I don’t know what I was thinking really and I just wanted to –” I kissed him, I wasn’t sure what had come over me. “What the fuck?” Ollie was so confused “You have to be the most confusing girl ever. Somehow I am still attracted to you, maybe it’s because you’re an amazing kisser.” He winked leaning in for another kiss as I stopped him.
“Just know this doesn’t necessarily mean I like you, I just I’m over trying to find a guy but why not have fun you know?”
“I definitely don’t mind just don’t have too much fun we don’t need people thinking you’re a slut okay?” I agreed laughing as I kissed him again, and he was a great kisser but it still meant nothing. “I have to go we have a signing but if you ever want to have more ‘fun’ you can just go to my bus.” He said walking away. I felt gross I was doing just what Jon does but it makes him happy so why not attempt to make myself happy.
I was sick of being alone, every once in a while one of the boys would come and chill for a little bit but they never stayed so I was excited when I got a text from Ollie saying there was going to be a bonfire tonight in the parking lot after the show. I began to like the random get togethers in the parking lot now that I had made quite a few friends.
After I was done I went to the bus and changed into acid wash jeans with a baggy Drop Dead t-shirt that Ollie gave me which I cut so that it hung off one shoulder. I met up with Ollie outside of my bus and we walked together to the bonfire. “So I really like the choices you’re making now, But I’m more happy that you forgave me.” He said putting an arm around my shoulder. Ollie and I got there a bit early so we grabbed some chairs and sat down directly in front of the fire.
“I must ask what does your new view on life entail so I know not to cross the line again.” He asked
“I don’t know I’m just sick of not being physical. Eric is there but that is just a kiss and if I go to Jon he knows me too well and I don’t want him to think I still want him. I’m just a girl with needs who doesn’t want to be dependent on anyone.” I felt pretty pathetic.
“Well hey I understand because I have needs too.” He said wrapping his arm around me tighter and pulled me in and kissed my head. It was nice to feel someone ‘care’ about me even if he just wanted me for physical reasons and I couldn’t complain, millions of girls wanted this guy and he was ok with me, I felt special in a weird way.
We were just sitting there being awkwardly flirty when I saw Eric walk up to the bonfire. I tensed up right away. “Are you okay love?” he asked in that beautiful accent.
“I just feel weird being like this in public.” I said awkwardly
“Well most of my band mates are all here meaning my bus is free so if you want to go back there we can.” He said and it was definitely tempting, there we could do whatever we want. I nodded and he grabbed my hand and started pulling me away towards his bus. We walked past Eric and of course he stopped us
“Where are you guys going the bonfire just started?” Eric asked
“Kenny and I are going to my bus.” Ollie said way to excited to get out of there.
“But the bbq just started, plus Kenny I needed to talk to you.”
“Talking is boring I’m over it my day has been too long already. The bbq’s get boring too fast.”
“Okay then I guess I’ll see you later” Eric said confused as he watched Ollie and I walk away.
We got to Bring me the Horizon’s bus which was a mess. We cleared a spot on the couch for us and Ollie put on some pretty indie music. Once our lips connected I felt we would never break apart. He moved down to my neck which was a soft spot for me I almost couldn’t handle it I pulled him closer as he continued on my neck his arm was now under my shirt caressing me. Even if I didn’t like him in any sort of romantic way I couldn’t lie he was good at the physical stuff for sure.
He had just taken my shirt off when there was a knock at the bus door. I quickly pulled my shirt back on as Ollie went to open the door and Eric walked in. “I’m not interrupting anything am I?” Eric asked as I fixed my horribly messed up hair.
I cleared my throat “No of course not what are you doing here?” I said awkwardly it had been obvious that we were messing around.
“Yea ok I totally believe that.” He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Anyways Kenny your boyfriend wanted to talk to you he’s at the bbq and he seems drunk I’m getting really sick of him.” The story seemed sketchy Eric kept looking away when he said it.
“Can’t you just tell him I’m with Oliver? I don’t want to see him I’m busy doing my own thing.” I was annoyed why would Eric even be near Jon. Why did he have to come to the bus? And if Jon really wanted to talk to me he would have texted me.
“Never mind Kenny whatever you do I’m sure is right” he sighed as he turned to walk away “I’m over it” he muttered under his breath as he walked out.
“I was already over it by the time he was gone. And Ollie and I decided it would be a better idea to continue what we started but in the back of the bus. He had definitely got what he wanted and even if I wasn’t attracted to him he sure knew how to make me want it too.
By the time I was dressed again and cooled off all the BMTH boys ran up onto the bus yelling about how bus call was early and all the busses were already leaving which meant I had to stay on Ollies bus all night.
I just went to the back of the bus again and tried to not be annoyed and decided to put my mind on a different situation so I called Jon. I asked him why he wanted to talk to me and he said that nothing Eric said ever happened he never even went to the bbq. I now was completely 100% confused with Eric.
“Hey I’m sorry you have to stay here tonight you seem so stressed though maybe it’s good that you aren’t on your bus you can just clear your head.” Ollie said walking in to the back, he was being sweet, like the first time I met him. Wee smoked a bowl and chilled awhile longer before I went to bed on the couch in all my clothes.