I Can't Stay Away

The next morning I left the bus early and walked back to BC’s bus. It felt like a terrible, long, and awkward walk of shame. This walk of shame became worse when I realized Jon was outside watching me.

“That wasn’t Breathe’s bus, whose bus was that and why were you on there?” he paused as his face turned disgusted, “And why do you reek of weed?”

“Can you ask any more questions?” I said annoyed. “No, it wasn’t Breathe’s bus it was Ollie’s and I was on there because I wanted to be on there, and I ‘reek of weed’ because everyone on the bus was smoking. Did I answer all of your questions or do you have anymore?” I was in a horrible mood, probably PMS so I just kept walking.

“Yes, but I have more questions, why are you in such a bitchy mood?” he asked catching up and walking at my pace. How in the world was it okay in his mind to tell someone they’re bitchy. I was cracking, Jon was nothing to me and I needed to realize this.

“I’m being ‘bitchy’ because I’m dating the number one biggest prick I’ve met. I’m getting bored of your attitude. Why do we even label ourselves as ‘together’ when we barely ever are with each other? I’m sorry but I just don’t think this is going anywhere, we just don’t make sense. We never really were working Jon, I mean honestly.” I said as we finally arrived at my bus and I realized what I had said I was ready to get slapped.

“I thought we worked.” He said sadly, “I mean, I’m s-sorry.” Jon was actually kind of speechless for a little bit.

“Jon you are the whole reason it didn’t work.” I said opening the door

“Wait, did you just break up with me?” I nodded my head proud of what I’d finally done, “Make up sex?”

“Fuck you, you are so retarded no wonder we never worked out all you care about is sex.” I said trying to get up the stairs of the bus.

“Obviously you do too according to you spending the night with Oliver!” he yelled as I hurried in and closed the door. I stood in the entryway for a second and tried to calm myself until I felt a bunch of eyes on me. Everyone, for the most part was in the front lounge which means they heard everything. They all stared at me wide eyed and I awkwardly walked passed them being quiet just watching me. I felt as if I wasn’t supposed to be there I never felt this way with Breathe I’ve always been like a little sister and now I just feel like an annoying slut that nobody will want around.

Kyle walked into the back where I was now sitting with my macbook air on my lap. “Kennedy, what has gotten into you?” I shrugged my shoulders I wasn’t too sure myself. “You are acting weird beyond belief. You haven’t been yourself all tour and you’ve been doing really stupid stuff and I know you aren’t dumb I just don’t understand what your reasoning behind any of this is.”

“Kyle I’m sorry I haven’t been the ideal merch girl, I’ve just been going through some problems on my own.”

“Kenny, I understand that a lot is going on with Jon, definitely more than you’ve told me but you still don’t have an excuse to not come back to the bus at night. Especially when everyone is worried about you and it isn’t very nice to do this to Eric when you know he’s crazy about you.”

“Well he sure has a fucked way of showing it. Yea I like him too and he knows that bit it looks like me and him are never going to happen. So why should I wait around for him, why wait for anyone. I don’t need commitment I can just get everything I need from a relationship without one.” He attempted to start talking but my mind was just spilling out. “I don’t want this you know I hate just being physical it’s pretty much complete bullshit but I just want to be happy fuck I just want one thing in my life to go right for once.” I was such a contradictive mess.

“Kennedy calm down.” He said as he gathered his thoughts as he made me explain everything that happened even the stuff I hid from him like me getting back with Jon, me and Ollie, and Jon basically abusing me.

“This was probably the worst place for you to be. I’m sorry this was a crazy idea bringing you out on tour after a terrible breakup.” He felt bad and had no reason to.

“Kyle no, this was all me. I’m just not good at making the right decisions but for now I am what I am and I’ll try to make things work. I’ll figure something out.” We continued talking a bit longer especially about how dating on tour was a big no-no for BC’s rule book.

We talked longer than I expected and I finally wasn’t hiding everything from him, of course he didn’t approve of everything and I felt like he wouldn’t look at me the same way but I had to trust that he would.

I tried to avoid the guys which was hard for me since all day I would be in the dame place. I decided I needed someone to talk about all of this that isn’t a dumb guy. I had made a few girl pal’s this tour at bbq’s and what not. Both being lead singers, Sierra Kusterbeck of VersaEmerge and Taylor Momsen of The Pretty Reckless and you know some little show called Gossip Girl. I didn’t talk to them too much but we all enjoyed eachother’s company so I thought it would be cool to have a girls day.

I had texted them during the day about it and instead of hanging out at the bbq we went to hang out on Taylor’s bus. Taylor and Sierra were both younger than me, I was 21, Sierra was 19, and Taylor was 17 not even legal. I felt like I had no life since they were so much younger and were doing what they loved where as I had no clue what I even wanted to do. I was jealous of two teenagers.

We talked about everything from Taylor’s time on Gossip Girl, Sierra’s life in Florida, and even my band back in high school. the longest part of our talk though was when we talked about the situations I’ve gone through recently

“Well now then you aren’t with Jon, maybe you should try and spend time with Eric and just forget Ollie, I mean he can get anyone so you don’t have to feel bad and you like Eric so Jon shouldn’t even be a big deal.” Sierra said with a small smile understanding how hard this was for me.

“We have an off day tomorrow we can get you some stuff for you to ‘get’ him.” Taylor said lighting her cigarette.

“Like what?” I was confused as to what she meant.

“Like a little outfit? Something any guy would like. It works every time.” I had to ignore that this was coming from a 17 year old, and ignore the fact that she knew more than me.

By the end of the night we had a plan we thought was amazing. I went back to BC’s bus to work out all the details with Shady. Sierra and Taylor came with me because even if Shady didn’t want to do it no one can with stand three girls pouting. The only thing I needed him to do was fix the room arrangements and I was good.