What If?

I let out a breath as I sat there, leaning my back against the headboard of my bed, trying to focus on something other than Edward Cullen. But, each time I’d try to do something, my head just scurried on back to the bronze-haired boy.

Alice had been wrong this time, in saying that it would get better. It hasn’t gotten any better, in almost a week, it’s still the same. I don’t exist in Edward Cullen’s eyes anymore. I was just…nothing, when it came to his eyes.

“You ready?” Jacob asked, peeking into my door. I peeked at him, raising my eyebrow in curiosity, trying to remember what I was supposed to be ready for. He chuckled at my confusion. “We’re going with Dad to Bella’s to have dinner.”

I nibbled at the skin of my lip and sighed, pushing the notebooks away, making sure to shut them and hide Edward’s name and my very butchered drawing of him from Jacob, and stood up, stretching and grabbing a jacket.

“Yea, sure, let’s go…” I said quietly, shrugging it on.

Jacob drove us, of course. I sat in the back, letting Dad sit in the passenger seat, and biting harshly at my lower lip. So harshly that I believed I was going to bite straight through it.

Things hadn’t gotten any better with her, either. And I knew she wouldn’t be any happier to have me in her house than she was when her and Edward were no longer a couple. Not because they broke up. Oh no, she still had Jacob to do her bidding. It was just how she was treated at school when people found out that Bella had broken up with her. And there were many rumors as to why he had, too. Most of them being about her cheating on him with someone.

Which was true, but I’d kept my mouth shut about it completely. I didn’t need to give the two anymore reason to hate me.

It hurt so much to have lost two important people to me in such a short amount of time, but I knew it was my fault. I should have just kept my stupid big mouth shut, but nooo, I just had to go and say the stupidest things I have possibly ever said in my entire life.

I sighed softly as we pulled up to Bella’s house, wishing I could just disappear into the leather of the seats and just…not be where I was.

We all got out and headed towards the door and I felt my nervousness growing, especially upon seeing Bella looking out her window. Of course she had a smile on her face at first, upon seeing Jacob she’d always have a smile on her face. But, upon seeing me, it turned into a frown, and I could see from here that her dark eyes were unhappy as they looked over my demeanor.

I sighed softly and looked away, knowing that I should have been used to it by then, but it still hurt that something like that got her to hate me so much. I’d hate to know what would happen if she found out I had told Edward about her and Jacob.

I don’t want to even know what she’d do to me.

“Hey Billy, Jacob, and it’s been a while, Kotah, you should come around more often,” Charlie said to me as we got inside. I bit my lip, looking down and nodding almost guiltily, when I heard steps on the stairs.

My eyes peeked up, where I saw Bella standing there, grimacing at me, before Jake went up and pulled her into a hug. I looked away, closing my eyes softly and then sighing. I felt eyes on me and peeked my eyes open, to see Dad and Charlie looking at me with curious eyes.

I shook my head, telling them silently that it wasn’t anything that they should feel concerned about.

“So, Bella made us all steak,” Charlie said and I bit my tongue, trying not to make a face, and my dad went to chuckle. “Is that alright?”

Dad went to start to speak, but I quickly cut in, shaking my head profusely, and saying, “No, no, no. That’s fine… Steak is fine…”

I nodded again, biting my lip and trying to look as honest as possible, even though I absolutely hated steak. I would suck it up, because I didn’t want to do anything wrong anymore. I didn’t need to make anyone else hate me.

“Alright, then,” Charlie nodded softly. I peeked towards Bella to see her scowling at me, causing me to sigh and bite my tongue.

Supper didn’t go well, either.

Bella was forced to sit right beside me and it made me feel terrible, because she made sure to scoot her chair as far away as possible from me, acting as though I had the plague or something. It made me feel horrible to know that she felt that way about me. To know that my best friend outside of the pack still felt like I was a disease.

“Okay, what’s going on between you two,” Dad said, dropping his fork and knife just as he said it and looking between the two of us. I closed my eyes, sighing softly.

“Just, leave it alone, dad…” I whispered, cutting into my steak, keeping my eyes on the table. “It’s nothing.”

“Yea, her getting my boyfriend to break up with me is totally nothing,” Bella said, sounding almost bitter, which I knew hurt Jacob’s feelings, but I just looked up at her.

“I didn’t-“ I cut off, trying not to show that I actually had done exactly that. But I knew she could tell something was off, as per the fact that she instantly stood up.

“You did?!” she looked at me with shocked eyes, completely realizing it.

“I didn’t mean… I mean I…” I shook my head, a few tears falling.

“You what?!” Jacob demanded, standing up and I could feel his glare on me.

“I didn’t mean to…I just…I…he…I let a thought…he…I just…I…” I bit my lip, looking anywhere but the two of them, seeing my dad looking up at me, a disappointed look in his eye.

I felt a sharp pain in my cheek and looked to see Bella, anger clear across her face and her hand just falling back by her side. I distantly heard someone yell at her, but I just stared in shock, slowly reaching up and feeling even worse than I did before.

I didn’t fully understand why she was so mad. She still got Jacob in the end, but it hurt me, to know that she really hated me.

I watched her storm out of the room, Jacob quickly following, not even bothering to glance back and see if I was okay. I felt the tears pricking in the corner of my eyes, still touching my cheek gingerly.

“Kotah…” Dad said, and I bit my lip, shaking my head.

“I knew this was a bad idea…” I said quietly, shaking and then quickly hurrying out of the house, pulling my jacket close, feeling so glad it was raining because of how many tears had decided to fall down my cheeks.