What If?

By the time Jacob came to talk to me, I was pissed. I knew that she was hurt, but she had NO right to do that, especially since all I did was something that she should have done months ago!

In fact, I had turned to go back into the house and tell her just that, when I saw Jacob standing there.

“Dakotah…” he said in tense voice, his brown eyes looking at me with a look that made me know he was mad. I pursed my lips and look back.

“It’s not my fault! He heard me thinking of you guys kissing once, because I saw him kissing her, and I didn’t mean to think it! Okay?” I said before I could stop myself, feeling glad that I could do this without telling him a complete and total lie. “After that, he wouldn’t leave me alone until I told him! And ya know what, it’s something that I shouldn’t even have had to have been hiding! She should have told him a long time ago, so if you DARE yell at me, you’ll regret it, Mister!”

He looked at me for a long moment before sighing, “I still want you to apologize..” I went to say something, but he held up his hand, looking at me with a stern look. “I completely agree with you, okay? But I still want you to apologize. What you did really hurt her.”

“What she was doing was hurting you!” I said, having to stop myself before adding the ‘and Edward’ part, like my brain so desperately wanted to. “And how can you stick up for her, when she still wants to be with him! And don’t you dare tell me she doesn’t, because you and I both saw how she reacted when she found out it was my fault! And how much do you wanna bet, I go up there and look around while I’m apologizing, I find a picture of Edward somewhere, huh? Really, you’re calling me in the wrong, when I’m not the one who was even doing anything wrong!”

He pursed his lips, but didn’t change his posture or his look, causing me to growl and push past him, stomping up the stairs and to Bella’s room.

“I’m sorry, okay?” I said, though we both could tell that I didn’t sound very sorry, as I looked anywhere but at her. My eyes came across the garbage can, and I almost smirked in victory. I mean, I knew that it was in a trash can, but if she’d wanted to, she could have brought it out. I sighed and walked towards it, trying to be nonchalant, “Okay? I mean, I’m not apologizing for doing it anymore…It’s something you should have done months ago… But I’m sorry for hurting you…”

She didn’t say anything to me, causing me to peek at her, and I saw she wasn’t looking at me either. I pursed my lips, sitting “casually” on the floor and quickly grabbing the picture. I told myself it was to protect Jacob from seeing it, though somewhere deep in me knew he’d probably seen it.

I had it in my pocket before she looked at me, and I bit my lip at the look on her face.

“Get out of my room.” Was the only thing she said, her eyes full of anger and hatred and betrayal. Now she knew how I felt, I guess. And my brother.

“Fine… Teaches me to apologize to undeserving people,” I stood, not looking at her as I pushed myself into a standing position, not looking at her either. Though my voice was quiet, and I could tell she wouldn’t believe the tone.

I just walked out, not caring to listen to what she might have had to say to that, my hand gripping the picture as I headed down the stairs. I was going to show it to Jacob, until I saw the look on his face as he sat on the porch. He looked really hurt, and it made me feel so terribly bad.

So I just walked up and hugged him from behind, saying, “Okay, I apologized…can we go home now, please…?”

“That’s up to dad…” he said, looking at me, trying to make his face look normal, but I had already seen his look, and I couldn’t wipe it from my memory.

/♥\

We didn’t leave for a few more hours. Instead, we sat in the living room, watching some sort of game that barely mattered to me. I was too busy fingering the photo in my pocket.

There was no way I could show it to Jacob, and there was no way I was going to give it back to Bella. So I kept it in my pocket until we got home.

I went into my room, with full intentions of throwing it away. Maybe even tearing it into pieces, so if Jacob were to come in and look around, he wouldn’t see it in the trash.

But, as I pulled it out, and looked at the picture, I couldn’t get myself to do either. Instead, I walked over to my bed, staring at it. I took in every detail of the beautiful creature in the picture and felt terrible when I unfolded it to see Bella on the other side, him looking at her with a loving look in his eyes.

So I ripped that side off and tore it into pieces, as I knew I should have done with the whole thing, and tossed the pieces in the trash before returning to staring at the picture of Edward.

I don’t know how long I was looking at it, but I knew that I only stopped when I heard dad’s wheel chair rolling towards my door.

I quickly shoved the picture under the pillow, which I knew wasn’t the most creative hiding place, but I didn’t have enough time to think it over before Dad came in, saying, “Dakotah…”

I bit my lip and peeked back at him, biting my tongue, knowing that he was probably going to scold me for talking to Edward, as it was against the rules they had given me. And I found myself greatly resenting those stupid rules, even though I never actually followed them.

I didn’t wait for him to start talking, just quickly told him a story similar to the one that I had told Jacob about what had happened to my telling Edward about Jacob and Bella.

“And so I’m sorry for hurting people and talking to him, but at least Jacob doesn’t have to hurt anymore, knowing that she’s still with him,” I said quietly, hoping that that would be a good enough explanation for him. “So…if you look at it, I didn’t do anything wrong...”

He sighed softly and rolled up, touching my arm softly and looking at me with those wise brown eyes, so similar to Jacob’s and my own, and said, “I know that you believe that…but the show tonight…I’m guessing that hurt Jacob even more than when she was still with him.”

“But I didn’t plan for it to happen! I didn’t even want to go-“

“I know, Dakotah.” He cut me off, looking into my eyes with a stern look, telling me it was better to just listen, and I sighed. “But I don’t want anything like that to happen again. Do you understand me?”

I bit my lip and nodded. Anything to get him to leave me alone.

He smiled very softly, saying, “I love you, Kotah,” and kissed my forehead before bidding me goodnight and rolling out of my room. I sighed and looked at the picture once more before placing it back under my pillow and laying down, not even bothering to reach up to turn off my lamp, just reaching down and unplugging it before letting myself fall into a hopefully dreamless sleep.