Precaution

I wasn’t sure how to react.

I wasn’t sure whether to be angry or hurt or embarrassed. I didn’t know whether I was wronged or if I was just the idiot who thought we had something when in reality, we did not.

I chose not to have feelings.

Not now, anyways. I just smiled back at her and put on a friendly face, looking pleasantly surprised to finally see her—as if I knew she existed all along.

“It’s so great to meet you.” I begun kindly, turning my attention to the deflated group of players that wandered in. Chloe and I both looked up for Sidney, the small smile that had lingered on my face gone. I tried my best not to look hurt despite the fact that I was dying. Every single part of me wanted to run out of the room, to escape from everybody’s eyes. Kris and Marc both had their attention fixed on me, looking unsure of what to say while I was still standing there with Chloe.

“Sidney” She yelled and he turned his head towards us. His eyes immediately fell on me and I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t want to break down or say anything—I just gave him a quiet smile and swallowed hard, taking a moment to recollect myself and blink away any tears that threatened to escape.

Sidney didn’t know what to do, whether to go to his locker and take his interviews or go over to Chloe and I. He stood there for a moment, debating the issue as other guys filed into the locker room. It only took him a few seconds before he was walking towards his locker, taking off his equipment and settling in for the media storm that awaited.

I didn’t want to keep the conversation going with Chloe, but I didn’t want to have to tell her goodbye either. I just didn’t want to look at her or face her, not like this. I felt vulnerable and exposed, I felt as if though I was deteriorating right there in the middle of the Penguins locker room.

But I couldn’t just stand there, not with her. So I took the hit and turned back to Chloe, who looked so completely in love with Sidney that it made me break apart even more.

“I have to go back to the hospital.” I said with a look of disappointment. She looked taken aback for a moment, grasping my arm and leaning forward in surprise. I could feel the whole rooms eyes trained on us and it was killing me. “Hospital? Are you okay? You’re not hurt are you because I can—“ She stopped when I began shaking my head, giving her a polite smile.

“Oh no, nothing like that. I’m a surgeon.” I said, putting my phone in my bag. “It was nice to meet you, Chloe.” I said before moving quickly to the door. I saw Sidney launch up from his locker to follow me as I ran down the hallway.

“Violet” I heard him shout as I flew down the stretch of hallway and out the heavy double doors of the rink. It was raining but I didn’t care. I walked away from the protection of the overhang, breathing heavily as I tried to gasp for air. I could feel myself breaking, completely tearing at the seams and falling apart. How could I have not recognized the severity of my feelings for him sooner? How did I not see how hard I had fallen?

“Violet, wait.” He called after me and I didn’t know what to do. I had to stop, I needed to breathe, to try to gather whatever pieces of myself were left and stitch them together. I felt him come closer to me, watching me as if though he was unsure of what to say. “I’m s—“ he began and I shook my head, unwilling to turn around and look at him.

“Don’t say anything. Please. “ I managed to say, my voice wavering. “Please don’t say anything.” I cried out, repeating my sentence even though he was silent. “Okay.” He replied quietly, but I could tell that he wasn’t moving. I regained my breath and tried my best to quiet myself down. It felt like I was drowning, lost away underneath salty waves, unable to breathe; unable to think.

I turned around and he watched me quietly, his soft stare a mixture of regret and concern.

“Did you love me?” I asked, my chest rising and falling heavily with each rapid breath.

Sidney didn’t look away, he just clenched his jaw and nodded.

“I still do.” He replied and I broke down again, shaking my head. “Because I love you.” I replied, my voice desperate and I found it hard to control.

“I love you, Sidney. In a frustrating, hopeless, ridiculously painful sort of way” I said, feeling my hands shake and my eyes sting. “I love you.” I gasped out and he reached out to come near me, his hand extended like he wanted to touch me. But I moved back a step, untrusting.

“Do you love her?” I asked and braced myself, ready to take the blow.

“Yes.” He said finally, not breaking his stare.

And no matter how ready I thought I was to take that hit, I wasn’t. It hit me harder than anything else could, harder than any car could have, worse than any explosion. My hand went to my forehead and I backed away, fighting every instinct I had to just fall to the ground.

“That’s all I needed to hear.” I said, turning around to quickly walk away.

That’s all I needed to hear.