Precaution

I never understood the reasoning behind talking.

Not day to day conversation things, but rather talking about problems. What could possibly be said that would somehow making sleeping with a man who is not your fiancé alright? What could be said that would make sleeping with another woman who is not your fiancé alright?

I didn’t tell any of this to Sidney over the phone, I just leaned against the couch arm in silence. I wasn’t really sure what to say to him now.

“Yeah, I guess.” I said finally, a little unsure and hesitant. I could hear him sigh over the phone.

“I’m sorry, if that’s any consolation to you.” He said after a small pause and I laughed dryly. I wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for, but I know Lucy would have said that’s so Canadian of him.

“Don’t be sorry. I was at fault too.” I replied, picturing his expressions change as he was on the phone.

“Look, Chloe is out in Toronto for a few days so you can come over and we can talk about what happened.” As soon as he said this, a part of me knew it was a bad idea to go to his house. I wasn’t really sure I could take it. I pictured black and white photos of Chloe donning the mantle, the whole house decorated in her taste. I exhaled slowly, apparently letting the emotionally distant part of me decide.

“Yeah sure. I’m at Marc’s house for breakfast but I can meet you in about an hour and a half?” I was in love with Sidney, but I was pretty sure I was in love with this breakfast more and the thought of leaving the table to go hash out the details of the other night was a little sickening.

“Okay. I’ll see you.” He said and I hung up the phone, stuffing it back into my purse before moving back to the table. Lucy and Marc stared for a moment and I just shrugged.

“Shut up.” I said before angrily taking a bite of my waffle. Lucy just leaned back in her chair with her koolaid, smiling at me like when we were in college and she had just found my secret stash of Kinder eggs after I had told her I hated them. Nothing was said for a long time, but several bites of bacon later, she finally spoke up.

“Do everything that you might regret later.”</i> she said with a grin and I shook my head at her.

Sometimes I hated that she knew me well enough to be a bad influence.

---

We finished breakfast approximately and hour and a half later and I was already late getting to Sidney’s. I slipped out of Marc’s house with a quick wave, which earned me one of Marc’s stupid grins. My thoughts were still reeling as I jumped into the seat of the Lexus Derek had picked out for me, much to the horror of myself and the city of Pittsburgh. I was a terrible, terrible, terrible driver. It’s why I preferred to walk—less chance of injury. And after the car accident with Derek, I had a small phobia of driving. It was a fact almost everybody except Derek was of and the fact that he had chosen to lease me a car was a little disconcerting.

I pulled up in Sidney’s driveway gingerly, my stomach turning over and over again. I considered leaving approximately seven times as I pulled the keys out of the ignition, but my plans were ruined when he walked out of his front door with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Seeing him made me feel breathless all over again.

I pulled the door of the car open and walked towards him with a small smile, trying to keep the mood light.

“You drive?” he asked, a little confused and I laughed.

“Poorly. If you ever see me on the highway, I’d make an exit.” I replied and he laughed, the two of us walking into his house.

It wasn’t what I had expected. It was warm and comforting and wasn’t the stylish home I pictured in my head. We went to his couch and sat, my eyes avoiding his stare as I looked around. Instead of adoring pictures of his fiancé, pictures of his family and hockey games decorated the walls. Old sticks and framed Jerseys that were reminders of his past hung on the warm chocolate walls. I finally faced him, rubbing my arm gently in a moment of uncertainty.

“I’m not sure what you want me to say.” I said finally and he leaned back, shaking his head.

“I want to know what this means.” He replied and I just sat there. What did this mean? Sleeping with him certainly didn’t make my emotions comprehensible. “I want to know what we’re doing.”

“Jesus, Sidney. You need a definition?” I asked, launching up from the couch. He stood up after me.

“I don’t know, Violet. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think, I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. Why don’t you clear that up for me since you seem to know exactly what we’re doing.”

“We slept together. It was once. If you were looking for proof of something from me, you didn’t have to kiss me or sleep with me. I could have told I’m still in love with you without a single touch. All this cleared up for me was that you apparently feel the same way about me.” I was frustrated, I was tired of trying to find the logic behind our actions.

“My feelings for you have never changed—I love you. I don’t understand how that was ever unclear.”

“I don’t know, Sidney. I guess the whole proposing to another women thing threw me off.” I said bitterly before exhaling softly, running my hand through my hair.

“I’m sorry.” I said, taking a step closer to him. “So now what? Where do we go from here?” I asked, looking up at him. We stood there for a moment, watching one another in complete silence.

But then he grabbed me and pulled me close, his hands buried in my hair as he kissed me. We fell to the couch hard and fast in a heap of warm kisses and heavy breathing. It took only seconds before our shirts were off and my hands were at his belt.

Perhaps in a moment of clarity, I would have realized that I was doing this again. That this was happening for the second time in a row.