Living Like You're Dead

That night Daryl had a nightmare.

He was in the bed alone. Addie was missing from his side. And when he went downstairs, all he found was Merle. Merle covered in blood. Merle knew what had happened but no matter how many times Daryl asked, Merle said nothing. Only smiled. He grabbed the pistol so conveniently placed on his waist. And shot him through the head.

Which only set him gasping for air as he abruptly sat up in their bed.

Daryl was avoiding anything to do with Merle, but it seems his subconscious did not comply with his wants. Addie still slept peacefully next to him. Or at least he hoped her dreams were peaceful. He hoped that nothing tortured her while she slept.

Daryl sat wide awake thinking about how the two extremes of his life had come to meet. In one corner Merle, representing his childhood, his upbringing. He was a beer drinking, deer hunting man. That’s who he had been, and who part of him still was.

Then in the other corner, there was Addie. She represented the part of him that wanted a family… that wanted love and acceptance. He craved that lifestyle where he was happy from love, not alcohol. How did a woman that came so abruptly into his life outweigh his brother who had been a part of him for more than thirty years?

Together they had fought and clashed. Daryl blamed himself even though he knew there was nothing he could have done. He loved his brother he did, and he also loved Addie.
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Breakfast was quiet that morning. Addie stayed in bed to hide from the kids. But everyone was trying to act like a rapist wasn’t in the other room.

Daryl didn’t eat. But he still made two plates; fruit for Addie, and some eggs for Merle. He took the first plate to Addie and found her fast asleep again. So he left the plate on the vanity table so that she’d find it when she woke.

Daryl then went to the cell that currently held Merle. Seeing him would involve him acting out his dream. So he slid the thin plate under the door and walked away.

Reaching his bedroom again he sighed, this conflict of family and love was tearing at him. If it weren’t Merle in that room – Daryl would’ve shot the man point blank between the eyes. How he wished it wasn’t Merle in that room. But even more than that he wished that Addie had never been touched – and that she would still become a mother.

Lori, nor Andrea knew what exactly caused the blood. Hoping for the best they cleaned her up, and set her in bed for rest. They hoped that her belly would begin to grow in the coming months… and that her and Lori would have children around the same time. That was the hope.

Daryl coaxed Addie awake she only opened her eyes slightly even though it was only him. He leaned her against him, and with the plate on her lap her fed her some pink grapefruit. Daryl knew it was her favorite.

“Did you take some to your brother?” she asked.

Daryl only nodded his head. It quite surprised him that she could address Merle without wincing. She only kept eating, as if it were a common question.

Addie was still being thoughtful – even about Merle.
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“What do we do with him?” Rick asked Daryl.

Daryl only rubbed his temples trying to sooth the battle in his head.

“Part of me wants to kill him, part of me wants to make him leave, another part of me wants to beat him, and another part of me wants to make him starve.”

“Merle was… well stupid. And did something very, very wrong.” T said. The three of them were conversing outside while on watch.

“I don’t know what to do.” Daryl admitted. “Maybe if I don’t face him, I’ll stop wanting to kill him. My gut tells me to kill him, but I know that ain’t right.”

“He’s family.” Rick said. “We gotta believe they can change.”

“He’s done this before.” Daryl said. “Back home, at least once that I know of. He’s mostly take advantage of drunk girls, sometimes they weren’t drunk enough.”

“Well then we can make him leave.” T said. “I don’t exactly wanna wake up dead.”

“Right now it’s the best option.” Rick said. “If you don’t want him here… ask him to leave. At this point I think he’d want to leave.”

“He’s gonna get heat from every single person here. I’d wanna leave too.” T added.

“Well, I’ll talk to him. When I don’t want to kill him so much. But I’ll go take him some fish.” Daryl left the two to converse them selves. Daryl slid another plate underneath the door. Who knew how long it would take for him to not want Merle dead.