Living Like You're Dead

Because of Daryl’s absence Addie didn’t sleep that night. He had disappeared the rest of the afternoon, and when she finally thought nightfall would bring him back, it didn’t. She half thought of him being hurt, and him just being plain mad.

She understood Daryl’s frustration with the loss of their baby. It had been his own brother’s fault. Maybe he blamed himself – but he had barely accepted the thought that he would be a dad, and a good one at that, and then the opportunity was taken from him.

Addie folded the clothes she had and placed them in her dresser, She folded Daryl’s as well, but she never put them away. She could smell him on them, and she felt more at ease with something like him around.

She was worried about him; no one wanted to look for him but her.

She stared at the ceiling with tears rolling down her cheeks. A cloud hung over her head. She wondered if she might be sober one day, she thought about persisting the point to Daryl that this anomaly that occurred was something that they needed to get past.
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Daryl had told everyone that he had gone hunting.

He wanted to be alone. Granted, he found that leaving Addie was a stupid mistake, last time that happened… he fought the thought of the previous incident to leave him mind. She was unhappy, she had lost their baby and she gave up. Daryl didn’t think that she would try something rash like that again, but still he wondered.

Daryl thought about hunting but instead he found that without a crossbow that was difficult. He wished that he could take the motorcycle out but the noise was too loud. He wished that he and Addie were safe from this harm that had washed over them. He wished that they were still having a child.

He mulled these thoughts in his head while trying to wash the day from his body. He realized that he had been in there for hours just thinking. He had reset all the traps around the perimeter of the house and had stayed out late working into the night to finish them. He finally stopped to bathe; Addie wouldn’t have liked him to smell all sweaty like he did after a hunt.

Daryl heard that snapping again. He had deferred it to some animal that made its way back and forth across the forest. Only this time it talked.

“Hey.” He heard come from the trees. Addie finally stepped foreword dressed in her night clothes, she looked sad.

Daryl sat up and looked at his girl. His beautiful girl.

She walked foreword to him and took a few steps into the pond, he met her and stood in front of her waiting for her to speak. Addie took a moment to drink in his skin that glistened under the moonlight. The water droplets rolled from his chest and she was really looking for him to say something. He hadn’t said anything since he’d left… she needed to know. There was a distance that had been brewing between them since Merle… and she didn’t know if she could break it.

“Well are you okay?” she finally said.

“Addie I’m fine.” He replied. “But I know you’re not.”

“Yeah. I’m not.” She said.

“Well I lied, I’m not either. Can- do you think we can make it through this?”

Addie looked at him. Her brain took a moment to function the words that she should say.

“Daryl we have to. We can’t grow distant, there’s nowhere distant to go. We’re here, and we need each other. Things are different in this world.”

“Baby I’m so sorry.” Daryl said. “I’m sorry all this about Merle and... and”

“Shhh” she said. “I know what was going through your head, I’m just sorry you had to go through that.”

“You’re sorry? No. No. It’s me that’s sorry. I should’ve protected you.”

“There was nothing you can do. It was a freak accident, a bad memory. I'll always have this sorrow about the action and what it cost - but I think with time everything heals... But… to heal I’ll need you.”

“I know, I never want him coming back here, I just want us to find some way to be happy.”

“Losing a family member, and a baby are two terrible things to lose at once, but we wont lose each other. We can’t let that happen.”

“I agree with you completely,” again he paused, “can you tell me what happened now?”

Addie took in a large breath and told him about how Merle had shown up with a gun in her face. He treated her somewhat nicely until he had enough beers to let his drunken self get the better of him. She told him about laying on the floor waiting for someone to come back, she then cried in Daryl’s lap while he rubbed the small of her back.

Until now all that he had know were blind assumptions, neither of them talked about it out of fear of the others feelings. But Daryl had put Merle behind him. And Addie was his life now – he had decided. As hard as it was to be glad Merle was gone, he felt a little relief knowing Addie could talk to him again, even about the things that scared her.

After sitting for the longest time Daryl finally told her, "I'd like to have another baby with you sometime, you know, when you're ready." Addie just smiled at him, and he wiped away the tears from her face that shimmered in the moonlight.