Living Like You're Dead

Anything could be better than being in this position. Addie had strained herself for the sake of her relationship with Daryl so that he could keep his only brother. She knew he was all Daryl had – in this shit if you had family you kept them close. And even if they hurt you, you would always still love them.

She could tell when Merle struggled with lifting the generator into the back of the truck. It had to be a bite, ”Was Glenn bit too? Would Glenn say anything? Did Glenn even see?”

Every situation, one after the other would always become fucked up beyond all recognition. Trying to find a god damn roof over your head was hard enough while trying to beat in the brains of walkers not to mention cannibals at every corner.

Merle climbed into the truck with Addie following behind, Glenn took the wheel to lead them to wherever it was the group was hiding out. While Daryl climbed into the back to hold the generators firmly in place. Addie couldn’t help but look at Merle, and then back at his shoulder. Oddly enough he was in the middle of the truck, the bleeding shoulder was hidden from view. It was on Merle right arm, so his left hand would occasionally pull down the sleeve and try to wipe some of the blood away. But he knew Addie was watching him. He caught her gaze several times while they road in that truck.

Glenn was taking the long way around, he said that less walkers seemed to hang around the outskirts of town, essentially making the trip faster and safer since they didn’t have walkers blocking the way.

Addie for some reason was compelled to help Merle, she wanted to, even after everything. She looked back at Daryl, he had realized his shoelace was loose and was now retying it. Addie looked again at the bleeding mess, she lightly touched the edge of the fabric of his sleeve, Merle didn’t seem to notice. She began to curl up the cotton fabric to inspect the wound, Merle’s only hand came around quickly to stop her, Addie’s right hand grabbed his wrist, halting him, she wasn’t going to let him fight her, because she knew he didn’t want a scene.

She rolled the fabric above his shoulder now, it was clear that skin was missing, and the blood was apparent. She guessed whatever poison was in his system was trying to keep the blood flowing, probably to try and kill him faster.

It was another evolution for the disease.

Addie pulled her backpack onto her lap, it had been stuck under the dash with all the crammed feet against it, but she managed to free it from the tight confines and retrieve several pads of gauze for the wound. She first sterilized her own hands before carefully placing the gauze over the bleeding wound. She dug deeper for surgical tape to securely keep the gauze from moving, she reaching into the bottom of the bag pushing and pulling other things around till she felt a small stab at the tip of her finger.

“Ouch.” She said, immediately sticking the bleeding finger into her mouth. The iron taste quickly filled her mouth.

She looked into the bottom of the bag, the caps of one of the syringes had fallen even deeper into her bag leaving the sharp needle uncapped and incredibly sharp. She stared into the bad for a long time thinking about that needle, thinking about why she had taken it. It was just another medical supply, but perhaps she had thought more of it, she hadn’t noticed until now.

She finally realized the surgical tape was just next to the protruding needle. She grabbed it and hurriedly taped around his shoulder and over the gauze. The three pads she had already put on there were nearly soaked through, She added three more gauze clothes to try and stop some of the bleeding. But it wasn’t going to stop, it wasn’t clotting, the virus was going to kill him.

Addie caught Glenn’s glance for a moment and realized that there was a definite nervousness in his face. He must’ve seen it, and not cared. He looked at her for another moment and said: “Your face, it uh – Looks a lot better.”

“Oui.” She said. She had a little spite to her tone for Glenn, she would for anyone who didn’t show some compassion.

Honestly, who would care about Merle except for Daryl? Addie should be the last person on that list, but instead she felt just as sick as he probably did. She knew that it would hurt Daryl, beyond belief. She knew it hurt him when Daryl had to push Merle away to protect her, that was why she had let him go – she knew that Daryl was grateful for saving Addie’s life, more than once.

But what was she to do?
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Glenn turned into a construction zone, one complete with high riser condos, it seemed that construction was nearly finished, part of the exterior brick was missing, but the inside should’ve been finished, at least by the way they were advertising for new condos they had to be nearly ready to move in.

Perhaps they had been a day away from completion but then everyone got sick, and no one came to claim their property.

Glenn muttered something about the top floor while he put the truck into park. He stepped out of the truck like he was almost in a hurry, because of Merle. Glenn was probably smart not to say anything about Merle’s shoulder because he knew Daryl’s temper, he did not want to be at the end of that.

The heavy generators were being lifted from the truck bed by Daryl and Glenn. Addie was still motioning Merle to stop moving and sit. But he chose to act as if nothing was wrong, of course he would. For some reason Merle was overly cautious about not hurting Daryl. He had obviously learned some kind of lesson.

“Down stairs is where the hook ups are.” Glenn said.

“Got any fuel for these things?” Daryl asked.

“Only what was left from the trip, but it was actually quite a bit.”

“So you had fuel, but no generators?”

“They hadn’t installed them before the building was complete. There a few loose ends from here to there, but nothing terrible, and the fence from construction is still up, figured we might leave that up for some time.”

“Sounds fine to me, less shit I’ve got to worry about.”

Glenn helped lift the Generator; Daryl had no trouble holding it up with one arm while Glenn seemed to struggle with two. Daryl passed Addie who was still hanging outside the car; he didn’t waste time to give a slight pinch to her ass. Where she jumped only slightly, startled by his ease and happiness with the situation. Eventually he’d end up angry, and somewhere deep inside he’d be hurt.

Merle was trying to get the generator out of the back, but having little luck with only one good arm. Addie met him and picked it up with ease, she felt no pain anymore, and with her backpack on she backed into the glass doors to follow Daryl.

There were no lights; there were no generators, yet. But they followed a faint glow of a lantern, and found non other than Officer Rick Grimes.

He was working on some electrical wiring, and was more than astounded when he saw Glenn had arrived with two generators, and three old companions.

“Well I thought you was just going to scope out the place and report back, not build an army and loot the place.” He said.

“Very funny. These three ran into me while looking for us.”

“Actually he more like took my girls head off.” Daryl added.

“Yeah and you nearly took mine.” Glenn said back.

“Yeah try it again, and see how long it take you to end up on the floor.” Daryl teased.

Glenn just responded with a slight eye roll, he might’ve kidded with Daryl more if he wasn’t so concerned with Daryl’s temper.

“Well let’s get this rolling.” Rick said.
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The generators seemed a bit small for the space given, but office generators would be no where near as big as residential generators, one simply requires more power, but this would work, it would get them back up power at least, leaving it easier to roam the halls and other parts of the building.

And after a bit of time forcing hoses and connecting fuel tanks, they flipped the master switch, and the lights kicked on.

The light revealed many things, mostly sweaty bodies, but now it was obvious that Merle was sick. The work and lack of blood gave him a pale face, and there were trickles of blood running down his arm. While everyone was looking at the lights and generators, Merle slipped out the back. He made his was back to the truck. He slammed the truck bed closed and paused. He took several deep breaths while he thought about his oncoming actions. But he needed to think quicker because Addie was heading straight towards him.

He climbed into the truck shutting the driver’s door behind him and let the keys fall into his lap from the visor. He didn’t think to lock the passenger door, because Addie knew he wouldn’t go anywhere with her inside. He was actually quite surprised at her actions, why did she care of he stayed?

“Get out!” he said rudely.

Addie folded her arms and waited until she spoke. “You are not leaving, don’t think for one second that you are going to leave without telling him.”

“If I leave it’s better, and safer for everyone.”

“Merle Dixon, since when did you give a fuck about everyone else?”

“Since… since you.” He admitted. The defeated look was in his eyes like he had held back some frightened secret. “You should know that. I’m tired of hurting him, and I’m sick – I won’t put you or anyone in danger.” He said.

“Merle Dixon you get the fuck out of this car, and you tell him. Then maybe he can say goodbye, he’s lost you and found you before – if you just leave he’ll never stop thinking you’ll come back some how.”

Addie motioned at the glass doors where Daryl stood. He could tell that something was going on, something odd. Why else would Addie and Merle be arguing inside a running vehicle? Addie gave Merle a shove in his bad arm, he groaned at the pain, but his foot never touched the gas.

Instead his fingers turned the keys, letting the engine become dull and eventually silent.

He stepped out of the car and faced his brother. Daryl saw the blood was an obvious concern.

Addie watched from the passenger window as Merle stepped around the front of the car and obscured her view of Daryl. She wasn’t sure of his face until she saw he’d come closer to inspect the wound, he only lifted the gauze slightly until he could see the visible bite marks and missing skin. He pulled the rag from his pocket, the one he used to clean his arrows and wiped his fingers free of the tainted blood.

Addie pretended not to listen while she sat in the truck.

“Merle how could you let this happen?”

“It’s not like I volunteered.” He said back.

Here they were the three of them. Talking and listening to the last words they would all hear together.

“But you coulda’ said sumthin’.” Daryl said.

“Said what? ‘Walker got me good?’ “Fucker nearly took the rest of my arm?’ What?”

“We could’ve helped you.” He said.

“How Daryl? Just how were you planning to do that?” Merle asked. Daryl looked at him knowing there was nothing he could do, he had known there was nothing he could do for Addie, but still – a solution came, he had assumed one would be there for Merle as well, but not all miracles came in pairs.”

Addie felt tears in her eyes, she felt so hurt for Daryl, loosing his only brother, loosing the rest of his family after all this effort. And then her thoughts came creeping back to her from before, her bag… her supplies, maybe a crazy simple idea.

“FUCK MERLE! Jesus. What’d you- What’d you think you were gonna do? Go off an’ die? Alone?”

“Figured you’d just think I was gone.”

“And then what, when I see you as a walker I just shoot you in the brain? That it?” Daryl asked. Daryl threw his arms up in the air due to frustration, he casually tried to remain calm by running his fingers through his sweat stained hair.

“Just let me go brother, just let me go.” Merle said calmly, trying to assure Daryl with a hand gesture that everything was fine.

“I CAN’T!” he said. "You're all that's left!"

“You'll be fine, you got her." Merle said pointing into the truck, "And I’ll be fine, I’ve got that pistol.”

“And no ammo.” Daryl added. Daryl gave Merle the look he always did after Merle said or did something stupid.

“Only need one bullet.” Merle said.

That did Addie in, tears were all over her face. The thought of Merle going away to die alone crippled her, it broke her heart. She opened the door Merle turned to look at her, with sorry in every bit of his eyes. “You know…” he said, “I know I was sorry, I know I had to tell Daryl that, but you’re the one who should hear it.” Merle said.

Addie shook her head still crying. “No Merle.” she said, “I’m the one who’s sorry.”

“What?” he asked her puzzled. "You ain't got no reason."

“Désolé.” She said almost in a whisper. She couldn’t keep herself from crying when she bluntly stabbed him in the neck. She couldn’t help but wonder if she was doing the right thing, she didn’t know what she was doing; she just knew it was something.

She felt Daryl’s arms quickly grab ahold of hers, he was unsure of what she was doing, but she was clung to Merle so tight he wasn’t able to wrestle her away from him until Merle had fallen to the floor. He drug her away from Merle. She was still clutching the syringe in her hands – she was still pressing hard on the plunger when Daryl was trying to get her to calm down and stop crying.

He rushed to Merle’s side once Addie looked at him and he felt she might still be sane. Merle was more than confused, and for the first time in Daryl’s life Merle looked scared. Merle should’ve been scared so many times in his life, but this was the first Daryl saw of it.

Merle’s head lay in his lap while his eyelids slowly shut. Addie had leaned into Daryl’s shoulder, while he sat, grieving over his brother, and wondering what Addie had just done.