Absolution

Several Days Later

“Now that we have defined the derivative of a function at a point we define a function which is the derivative at all points of an interval. We use the definition of a derivative to find the derivative of some functions. We also define the concepts of right-hand and left-hand derivatives and apply these concepts to piecewise defined functions. Various notations for derivative are shown in your book on 56A or in the chapter. The relationship between differentiability and continuity are explored.”

It was too early for this. I had skipped class for the last three days, because I couldn’t bear to see Frank. So much had changed, since telling him about my problems. He knew too much, and that made me vulnerable to being hurt.

When I came into the room, he had smiled at me and welcomed me back. I think he knew why I hadn’t been there, he could tell. He handed me some copies of his notes he’d printed off and then turned his attention to the teacher.

I attempted to listen, but missing so many Calculus classes was not a good thing. I was completely lost. What was a derivative? Right-hand versus left-hand? What did that matter in mathematics?

I massaged my forehead, trying to pay attention. It wasn’t working, though. I looked over at Frank. He was wearing a dark red sweater and blue jeans with his worn out chucks on. He had a new bag with him, but it still sported a lot of his pins.

He handed me something. A note.

Long night?

I looked back at him. Yeah, pretty much. Hey.

Sorry. That stinks. And hello. He drew a smiley face, although it was a terrible one.Have your parents left yet?

No. They’re rescheduling their trip for the beginning of next month. Riley’s going with them.Who’s Riley?

My older brother. He’s 23.I didn’t know you had a brother.

I guess we’re even.

I looked over at him and he grinned, nudging my foot with his.

“Derivatives are rather the easiest thing in the world, once you learn how to do them properly. There a very few things you have to know. But before I try to cover the calculation of derivatives, please allow me to explain more clearly what they are. This is simple - they are the slope of an equation, or the rate of change. It should be evident to you why I equate the two! The slope of an equation is essentially how many Y's change for each change in X. The slope that you have thought of up until now was generally not as precise as we like to be at this level. You previously used (change in y/change in x), which may be perfectly accurate for straight line graphs, but not for curved slopes. We want to get the slope of a curve at a single point (called the instantaneous slope), ideally, at any single point that we choose; the slope when x is 3, or when x is 0, for example. Over any curve that is not a line, the slope of the curve fluctuates, and is different for different values of x. In these cases, you would like to get an equation that will tell you the slope at any point. A derivative does this - it gives you an entirely new equation so that every y of the new equation (written as y', or y-prime) is equal to the slope of the original, and at the corresponding x in the graphs. If you want to know the slope of an equation when x=3, you take the derivative, and plug x=3 into the derivative. You will get the slope of the original equation at the point x=3. If this doesn't make any sense, try glancing it over again. In any case, the following discussion should hopefully clarify things.”

I turned to look at Frank, my jaw dropping.Did he even breathe in-between saying that?

Probably not. I hear Calculus teachers are so smart they’ve overcome the obstacle.

Both of us began to laugh quietly. The kid on my other side let out a snore, turning his head away from me. The bell rang and we stood, still laughing. We were the last ones out of the class, apart from my desk-neighbor who was still fast asleep and now drooling on the desk and snoring quite loudly.

Frank bumped against me casually, causing the back of our hands to touch. I was beginning to notice how much he touched me. He especially seemed to always grab my arm, but never really let go.

“So, they’re leaving in two weeks?” I asked after coughing to clear my throat.

He smiled. “Yeah, for two weeks. I’m so excited. I mean, I’ll just be sitting at home but it’ll be nice not listening to their stuff.”

It was beginning to get cool out, winter would be here soon. I held the door open for Frank and he waltzed through, skipping a few steps ahead of me. After he was about ten feet away he turned and waited for me, smiling adorably. I felt myself smiling back at him. Anyone would find it hard not to.

“Well in Art you missed some stuff. We’re working in sculpture again. Oh, joy. I only took out one eye last class.” He told me, grinning.

I laughed quietly. “Nice. Who’s eye?”

He pointed to himself. “My own. See, the cut above it?”

I looked, squinting. “No.”

“Come on! It’s right there, Gerard!” he whined.

“It’s not.” I snorted. “You’re delusional.”

“It is there. See, watch. It hurts when I poke it.” He poked himself above his eye and winced.

“Ow!”

“Yeah, it hurts anytime anyone pokes themselves in the eye, Frankie.”

“It is there.” He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. “And now it hurts more. But you don’t believe me.”

“Where is it again?” I asked him, coming to a standstill.

He stopped as well, facing me. He pointed his index finger above his eye. “You can kinda feel it, too.”

I rolled my eyes. “Frank, it’s so apparent what you’re doing right now.”

“I don’t care, go along with it.” He grabbed my hand, pressing it against his forehead. “Feel it?”

“If it makes you happy, yes. Yes, I feel your cut.”

“It’s a real bitch.” He whined, tilting his head up to look me in the eyes.

“You’re a real bitch.” I giggled, lowering my hand.

He pouted once again. “You’re mean, Gerard Way.”

I smirked at him, stepping back. “We have to get to class. Let’s not keep your impending injuries waiting.”

We continued on our way, while Frank chattered about Pencey Prep and how he thought their first album cover should look like. When we reached the building, a small crowd had gathered outside of it.

“Hey, whats going on? A protest?” I asked, standing on my tip toes to see over the crowd without success.

Frank shook his head. “No, I would have heard about that.”

“Someone had a gun. They think someone has a gun.” A girl was whispering frantically to her boyfriend.

“That’s bullshit, if someone had a gun they’d tell us to leave.” He shook his head. “I bet someone died.”

“It was a gas leak from one of the kilns.” A tall boy with dark hair and piercing blue eyes said. He was in our Art class.

“Really?” Frank asked him.

“That’s what the guy on the little radio said.” The guy nodded. “Unless they’re wrong, which is highly possible considering Welch had the radio.”

Frank snorted and nodded.

“Hey, are we getting to leave or what? I don’t have any classes after this!” Some kid behind us yelled in an annoyed voice.

“Student, remain calm.” A loud voice said. A man in a nice suit came up and walked straight to the center of the crowd, where I could now see several police officers and a fireman. They were congregated, talking and looking at a piece of paper.

“This is ridiculous!” the annoyed kid yelled again, pushing past me and heading towards the police men.

“What a jerk.” Frank muttered. “Did he hurt you?”

“No, he barely pushed me. I’m fine.” I smiled at him. “Don’t worry about me, kiddo.”

He elbowed me playfully, and leaned against me. “It’s getting cold out here.”

I nodded, feeling very tense all of a sudden. Here he was, leaning on me. In plain sight of literally hundreds of kids. Granted, they were all kids attending art classes which means they tended to be more open-minded. But still.

“Let’s leave.” He grinned mischievously at me.

“You’re turning into quite the trouble maker.” I responded, shaking my head in mock disappointment.

“What? They aren’t letting us in anyway… we can just hang out and come back for our last class…”

“Frankie, if you leave early you can’t come back. That defeats the purpose.” I laughed.

He looked thoughtful, and bit his lip. “Fine, then. We won’t come back.”

I shook my head again, but grinned. “Okay… where to?”

“Somewhere where we can talk.” He shrugged. He lifted his bag, which he’d carelessly thrown onto the ground next to him, up and put it over his shoulder.

We quickly made our way through the crowd of grumbling students. It looked as if twenty or so more students had had the same idea as us, as they were heading in the opposite direction now as well. Frank took off running, beating me to my car. I continued walking slowly, knowing if I ran I’d fall flat on my ass.

By the time I reached the car, Frank was already inside it and buckling his seatbelt.

“Where to?” I asked again, hopping in.

He got a thoughtful look on his face, staring out at the building. “Uhm… Shit. I don’t know, there really isn’t anywhere to go, is there?”

I shook my head, starting the car and turning the heater up all of the way. “Sorry, it takes a long time to heat up.” I apologized, looking down.

“You could be making me walk, I’m not about to complain.” Frank nudged me teasingly. “Do you want to go to the park?”

“Sure.” I shrugged, and pulled out of the parking lot.

“What’s your favorite color, Gee?” he asked, turning to watch me as I drove towards the park.

I looked at him momentarily. “Why?”

This time he shrugged. “I don’t know, I’m just curious about you. It must be the fact that you’re so mysterious.” He giggled.

I laughed quietly. “I guess… well, I like red…”

He nodded. “Cool… where do you want to go? Like, you could go anywhere before you died. What places would you choose?”

“You ask a lot of questions.” I muttered, frowning.

“I’m curious. I’d like to know more about you, seeing as I’m liking you enough to trust you with my life and all.” He grinned.

A little too much more than I should. “Trusting me with your life?”

“In a car, I meant.” Frank said quickly, this time looking down himself. “Can’t you just answer the question?”

“I guess I’d like to visit Japan… and Italy would be really cool.” I shrugged.

After parking a car near the local park, Frank and I got out and walked towards the walking trail. If we left school because he was cold, I’m not sure why he picked a park to go to, but that was what he’d wanted.

“It’s going to be winter soon.” He said quietly, looking way from me. “Winter is nice. I like I because it’s calmer… not to mention my parents go out to long dinners and out of town more.” He added.

I snorted quietly, aimlessly following him. The trail was surrounded by tall thick trees that blocked out virtually any light. An elderly couple was walking towards us, smiling and holding hands.

“Are your parents nice?” Frank suddenly asked, glancing at me casually to gauge my reaction.

I kept my face entirely blank of emotion, shrugging nonchalantly.

“What do they do?” We had come to a halt.

“Mom works in an accounting firm.” I muttered, beginning to walk again.

“And your dad?” he asked, jogging to catch up to me.

What does this little boy know about you anyway? Does he know your middle name or where your daddy is?

I turned to face, almost angrily. I did not like talking about my dad, especially when it was not me bringing the situation up. “You’re only asking because of what Bert said.” I stared him in the eye.

He didn’t deny nor confirm, just continued to look at me.

“My dad is an alcoholic. He has an apartment in New York. He’s in an out of jails constantly for DUIs and Public Intoxication. He’s not in our lives. Mine, at least.”

He was silent, looking at me sadly.

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

That was the first time I’d told him I didn’t want to talk about something, I realized. His eyes were curious and wide, but he cared enough to stop the conversation because he nodded.

“I’m sorry for asking, I just… wondered…”

I shook my head and forced a smile, whispering, “Don’t worry about it, Frankie.”

He smiled unsurely, grasping my hand.

“One day I’ll tell you. I just want it to be on my own terms or something…” I didn’t pull my hand out of his, nor did I care that there were people walking by. I felt better when he squeezed my hand, leading me off of the trail and into a clear space.

“There were too many people on the trail for me to do this.” He whispered, and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. Any other rime someone had said that to me, it’d been followed by unzipping my jeans. Not a hug.

I was learning I really loved hugs, especially when they were from Frankie. I almost preferred them over kissing, even though his kisses were pretty amazing too.

My arms went around his small waist and I held him to me, not wanting him to let go. He managed to pull us down into a sitting position on the cold ground, not letting me go once. I rested my head on his shoulder and he only held me tighter.

“All Aretha Franklin jokes aside, you really do make me feel so… strange. But in a good way.”

He snorted. “Was that meant for me or my shoulder?”

I looked up, grinning. “Your shoulder, of course.”

“Well sorry to bother you two, I’ll just keep quiet.”

I laid my head back down on his shoulder, curling up to him. “Don’t worry about it. We were done.”

He giggled, holding me tighter. “I think that thing you’re feeling is friendship… real friendship.”

“I think it’s more than that.” I whispered.

“What do you think it is?” he whispered.

I shrugged, not able to tell him I was falling more in love with him every day I spent with him. I used to hate waking up every morning but now I looked forward to it. It was hard to sleep, knowing Frank was so far away. It was hard to pay attention in school with him sitting right next to me.

I wanted to protect him from his family. They upset him, and I was one of the few people who knew this. Maybe one of two. I would have never known if I hadn’t gone to his house that night after his grandpa’s funeral. We would never hold hands, would have never kissed. I wouldn’t know what true friendship was.

“What are you thinking about?”

I smiled. “I love how you do that.”

“What?”

“Ask me what I’m thinking about.” I got out of his arms, sitting in front of him so I could see his facial expressions as we spoke. “You make me feel extremely important.”

“You are.” He smiled at me.

My heart fluttered. That took me off guard, and I looked down blushing.

“I’m sorry, did that make you embarrassed?”

“No.” I shook my head, looking back up. I smiled back at him. “It’s just awkward. All I’ve known for forever was Bert or people… extremely similar to him. You’re so different, you treat me like a…” I trailed off.

“Human being?” Frank offered, looking slightly upset.

“Something like that.” I coughed.

He threw himself at me and I caught him just in time, falling down and groaning. He grinned, wrapping his arms around me. He kissed my cheek, and then my nose.

“You’re a lot heavier when you just throw yourself on me.” I panted, trying to catch my breath.

“I’ve had that said to me before.” He giggled.

“You throw yourself at people often?” I sat up, leaning on my elbows and supporting our weight.

“Just the special ones… but you’re the only special one now.” He leaned down.

I could see it happening. I knew what he was doing. He was going to kiss me again… he was going to kiss me and I wasn’t going to pull away for anything. This was what I wanted, more than anything. This…

He picked up his wallet; it had fallen behind me when he’d jumped on me.

Something tore in my heart, but I quickly adjusted my hurt face to a smile before he could see it.

Damn it, Gerard. You told yourself you wouldn’t do this. It’s bad.

I couldn’t seem to argue, but I also couldn’t seem to care. He was now sitting up straight, on my lap.

“Frank?” I whispered.

“Hmm?” he asked, putting his wallet next to us.

“Can you kiss me?”

His hand stopped in mid air and he looked at me. “What?”

I closed my eyes. “Can you kiss me?”

“Gerard… I thought you didn’t want this.” He was whispering now too.

“I don’t… I don’t want it, but I need it. I don’t want to hurt you… I don’t want to ruin the first real friendship I’ve ever had… but I love you.”

He kissed me roughly and urgently, like he couldn’t bear to wait another second. His fingers ran through my hair and I slipped my hands into his jacket, stroking his sides through his shirt.

He then pulled away suddenly. “You… you love me? You think you love me?”

“I don’t think, I know…”

“If you’ve never been in love you can’t know what it is you’re feeling.” He said calmly.

“I never want to be away from you.” I said, stoking his sides still. “I want to know every last single thing there is to know about you. I think you’re the most beautiful and kind person I have ever known. There is no one like you… and I want you to be mine.”

He looked at me, his eyes red. I expected him to burst into tears, but instead he urgently kissed me again. This carried on for who knows how long. Because of the trees, we couldn’t even tell if it was light or dark out. But it didn’t matter.

He eventually pulled away and crawled off of my lap. “I will… uh… be right back.” He said, and then ran off into some trees.

I closed my eyes, taking several deep breaths. Had that really happened? Had I told him I was in love with him?

Oh my God.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I groaned, lying down on the cold ground. I massaged my head, wanting to shoot myself. I was such an idiot. I really needed to learn to not let my emotions talk. I would be a lot better off. I sat up, closing my eyes.

“Frank?” I called quietly, standing up. I headed in the direction he’d gone in, towards the trail. He was gone. He had left.

I felt angry tears fill my eyes and I headed back to my car. I didn’t need to look more; I could tell he was gone in my gut. I opened the door to my car and climbed in, slamming it shut. I raised my hands to my face, my shoulders shaking with my sobs.

I was completely honest with him and he left. To make it worse, after kissing me like that twice, he left. He left me craving more, but just didn’t come back. How long did he expect me to wait before I realize what had happened? Where had he gone?

I leaned my head against the window, taking several deep breaths. I knew, as I quite recklessly drove towards my house, that I would not be attending school for the next few days.