Back Pocket

Dear Connor,

THE grass was so green. The greenest I’ve ever seen it. It was greener than the artificial kind. Wild flowers sprayed themselves throughout the grass. They were the pretty kind, too. The purple, small ones and the yellow ones that didn’t turn to seeds after time. We sat side-by-side, sitting back on our elbows, staring up at the turquoise sky. The clouds were white cotton candy that you just wanted to eat. We outstretched our legs in front of us and you wrapped your left leg around my right and held my hand.

“It’s beautiful.” You whispered under your breath, staring at the sun. I gave you a crazy look and you smiled at me. Your dimples digging deep into your cheeks. You had the best dimples, really.

“I suppose it is.” I whispered back. You looked at me again and gave me another smile. My heart pounded every time I saw that smile portraying your face. I smiled back and looked up at the sky. I started to think about the shapes of the clouds. A dolphin. A dinosaur. A balloon. I kept going and then the rustling of paper broke me from my trance. My eyes slowly turned to you and you had a piece of paper folded in your big, sun-stained hands. You looked at me longingly.

“What’s that?” I asked. You gave me a grim smile and stood up, holding out your hand. You told me, “It’s a secret, Josie.”

My heart slammed against my chest in a nervous way. I grabbed your hand and you helped me up.

“Is it a good secret?” I had asked. You tipped your head to the side, not smiling but not frowning. I had grown scared at that point.

“It could be.” You had said. I smiled a little and a breeze played with my hair. I grabbed your hand and you flashed your dimples. My fright and nervousness vanished that second. God, what your dimples did to me.

“Josie, will you dance with me?” You had asked me. I smiled slowly, but my nerves were up again. Something was wrong with you then. I could feel it the way you touched my arm.

“I will dance with you, Connor.” You smiled and pulled your blue iPod from your jean pocket. You set it on the ground and put on ‘Let There Be Love’ by Oasis. You placed your hands on my hips and I wrapped my arms around your strong neck. I laced my hands together and you pulled me close. We moved side-to-side, back and fourth. The only thing I heard was the guitar strumming almost soundlessly and your slow breathing. My heart hammered against my chest and I pressed my cheek against your white t-shirt.

“Connor, what’s happening?” I asked you. You had put your chin on the top of my head and pressed one hand flat across my back.

“Love, Josie. Love is happening.” You leaned your head down and pressed your lips against mine. I was so focused on that one, passionate kiss I hadn’t felt you put that single piece of paper in my back pocket. When you pulled away, I so badly wanted to pull you back in for another beautiful kiss. Your arms dropped to your sides and you looked strained. I stared at you, confused and scared.

“Josie, I enlisted myself, and I’m leaving to go overseas after I’m done training at a base in Georgia. I’m leaving on Tuesday. This Tuesday.” You had said. You rushed the sentence and you stared deeply into my eyes. You were so scared, Connor. I could see right through you. Once I took in that sentence I wrapped my arms around your neck again and kissed you hard. As if I would never kiss you again. We kissed for forever, it seemed. Your arms held me up from the ground because I was crying. I couldn’t contain myself. That fact that you were leaving hit me hard and our kiss tasted like tears. It was the best kiss you ever gave me. Ever.

I left that night when the turquoise sky turned into a deep navy. The clouds were replaced with twinkling stars that reflected themselves in your eyes. Leaving you was so hard. I didn’t want to let go of you. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

~

Tuesday morning was the scariest moment of my life. I sat on my front steps waiting for you to come over. My chin had rested in my hands and I stared out at the street. My bare feet were cold against the morning air. My mother had come outside and sat with me. Her hand on my back, rubbing it back and fourth. Tears built up behind my eyes and I squeezed them back. I told myself then, that crying would make it harder than it had to be.

By the time your car at pulled into my driveway I had a tear rolling down my face. Holding back tears was harder than I thought. You climbed out of your beat up car and walked over to me. You cupped my face in your hands and stared into my eyes.

“Have you read my note yet?” You asked me. I had shaken my head. The note had sat on my nightstand for the past two days.

“I’m going to read it when you come back to me.” I told you. You smiled. My heart swelled.

Oh, those dimples.

“That’s my Josie.” You whispered, pressing your sweet lips to mine. We held on forever before you finally did let go. You had to go, you told me. We kissed one more time and you climbed back into your car. You waved at me as you pulled away. I waved until I couldn’t see you car anymore, Connor. I waved and waved. Until your beat up car disappeared into the morning sun.

Connor, I love you. I always, always, always will. Now matter what.

Love always,
Your Josie.

~

I stare at the white casket as it sits on the sodden ground. Why does it always rain on funerals? I set the letter on the casket and let the mournful sobs rack my body. The note Connor gave me that last night is held tight in the palm of my hand. Everyone around me stares at me. Pain obvious in their pitiful eyes. Only one word repeats itself in my mind.

Connor. Connor. Connor.

The casket is lowered and I press my hand against my mouth. I sob and let my mother hold me in her arms. She rubs her hand on my back like she did the morning Connor left. Oh, Connor.

My mother and father help me to our car and I lay down in the back seat. My sobs stop but the tears fall silently fall. I open the folded piece of paper. Written in his messy scrawl, I love you, displays itself proudly. Three small words put together on a peice of paper and put in my back pocket. All of this while Connor kissed me and held me tighter. The last time Connor held me in his arms. Oh, God, Connor. There won’t be a day when I’m not missing you.