Let Me Know

This is not happening. This cannot be happening to me right now.

I stare at the white stick of death in front of me. It’s the fifth one I’ve seen in the past twenty minutes, and each one has been the same. I’m waiting for all of them to just jump up and scream “Gotcha!” as they do a little dance, but it just sits there displaying its little pink plus sign. Pink was never my favorite color, and now it’s the last on my list. Why did it have to be such a cheery color like pink, instead of something morose, like sepia or eggplant?

Pregnant. I, Aubrey Hughes, am pregnant. I am seventeen years old, and I am pregnant. There is something that probably resembles a naked mole rat growing inside of me. I hear about this kind of thing all the time, but not to girls like me. I’m in the top five of my class. I’m the star setter on my volleyball team. I have had sex one time in my entire existence, and it turns out like this. I really should have paid more attention in health class.

I’m dead. I am going to die. This plus sign does not signify a new life but rather the end of my own. What will mom and dad say? Mom will be the one to kill me. Dad will stand there fuming, but it will be mom that picks up the knife or wrings my neck out like a kitchen towel. And dad’ll still be paralyzed from the initial shock that he won’t be able to stop her. So mom will probably end up going to jail for killing her only daughter, and with her gone, dad will either run away or kill himself out of depression. Then the boys-

Oh god. The boys. All six of my older brothers will be completely enraged. One or more of them will end up sharing a cell with mom for killing the poor boy who started this, depending on who gets to the machete first. I think it’ll be either Ethan, the oldest of the lot, or Blake, who has been building muscle since he was three. Louis and Matt will have murder on their mind, but they’d rather watch the deed be done and taunt rather than perform it themselves. Then there’s Aaron and Todd, the older twins, but they’re halfway across the country, so they would never make it here in time.

Then you’ve got my cousins. All twelve of them would probably stand in a circle and take turns throwing rick or daggers or whatever they can get their hands on. I’m sure that’ll land them in the slammer for one crime or another. Alex and Lauren are young still, so they might get lucky with a year or two in juvie. Brandon’s the one I’d worry about the most, as he is more like brother to me than a cousin.

I sigh as I lean back against the bathroom wall. Maybe I should pack my bags now and move to California. I’m sure I can manage living in my car until I find a job waitressing at some joint. I mean, lets face it, everyone feels for the poor, young pregnant girl trying to make here way in the world. Maybe Chloe will move with me. She’s always been the rebellious type, with the pink stripe in her natural blonde hair and nose ring that her parents didn’t know about until two months later.

Chloe. I think about calling her and telling her everything, but I know that would be a mistake. I love her, and she is my cousin-turned-best-friend, but she’s got a mouth. And it’s not like mine. I tend to tell people exactly what I feel without any consideration to how it might affect them. I have no filter. Chloe, on the other hand, can’t know something that everyone around her doesn’t, so she happens to ‘accidentally’ let it slip. And when have ten relatives that go to the same school as you, word is bound to get around.

I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, still holding the damn stick. There are a million emotions running through my mind; anger, fear, sadness, worry, confusion. I feel the heat of tears as they slowly fall down my face, but I don’t know what they’re from. Maybe they’re from the realization that my parents will hate me forever. Maybe it’s because this is the end of my life as I know it. Maybe it’s because I now realize what a mistake I made that night.

It was the day after Thanksgiving, so everyone was enjoying their day off. My parents had taken a trip up to the city with all eight of my aunts and uncles. It’s always been their little tradition that they spend the night of black Friday together and away from the kids. Mom says that if she didn’t get this day every year she might go all Frances Newton on our asses. While that might be true, I also think it’s because my parents are still sickenly in love, and with at least three of us kids occupying the house at any given time, it’s hard for them to ‘get together’ as my aunt Katie calls it. So they use this opportunity to get together. It’s a wonder that none of us have August birthdays.

However, this day also happened to be the day before Louis and Matt’s eighteenth birthday, and what better way to ring in adulthood then to throw a party and get sloppy drunk with the entire school. Now, normally I’d enjoy a good party, laugh with my friends, and maybe do a little dancing, but I wasn’t exactly thrilled to see my classmates soon.

The Tuesday before everyone left, my boyfriend, Thomas McHenry, had decided it was time that we broke up. He did so, however, in an inconsiderate and chauvinistic manner. Everyone was in the cafeteria for lunch, and I was seated at the far end with my brothers and cousins. Suddenly, from the opposite end he stood on the table and yelled, “Hey Aubrey, Guess what? I’m breaking up with you!”

I watched as he jumped down to receive high fives and slaps on the back from his buddies, but I knew that everyone else’s eyes were on me. I looked down and ate my pizza roll quietly, hoping that no one could see the tears that were forming in my eyes. It wasn’t because I was particularly upset with the breakup; our relationship was more of formality than affection. I was hurt by the humiliation he had caused me.

Finally, Matt stood up and shouted, “leave the poor girl alone, it’s not like she’s got a second head or something!” God bless my brother. It was one of those times I was thankful for his existence. I also heard later that day that they may have ‘accidentally’ taken Thomas’s backpack and ‘accidentally' dropped it into the toilet. I knew better than anyone that those two were as innocent as Satan himself, but I accepted their gesture of brotherly revenge.

So there I was, stuck at a party with the entirety of the school that I was dumped in front of only three days ago. Since we hadn’t been in school, I was still the biggest piece of gossip going around, and I could feel the glances I was being given behind my back. Finally fed up with being treated like the baboon at the zoo, who gets gawked at because it pick its funny colored bottom, I decided to hit this party hard.

I stormed into the kitchen where Blake was pouring shots and downed two of them right off the counter. Once my throat had stopped burning, I opened my eyes to see him looking at me incredulously.

“Holy shit Bre, maybe you should slow down there.”

I glared at him as I grabbed another one, “Don’t mess with me Blake. If I have to go through this torture, I want to make sure I don’t remember it.”

I grabbed one for the road and turned to leave, but stopped dead in my tracks. There in front of me was Thomas sucking face with some freshman floozy. I stood there for a minute or two before I felt two figures looming over me.

“If it helps, we didn’t invite him,” Matt said.

“Yeah, I guess he just figured he could waltz right in,” Louis continued, “We can kick him out if you’d like us to.”

I shook my head, “It’s no bother. He’s not worth the scene it’ll cause. Besides, this night is about you two,” I smiled to them genuinely, and they returned the gesture.

“Don’t get in too much trouble, kid,” Matt said as he ruffled my hair, and then the two of them were off. I really hated when they called me that, but since it was their birthday, I’d let it slide.

After watching the couples in the other room for a few minutes, I turned back and grabbed a cup off the counter. I could already feel the alcohol affecting me, but I wasn’t about to slow down any time soon. As I turned around, however, I miscalculated my steps and ran right into the person who was passing by, spilling the top of my drink all over them.

“I am so sorry-“ I started to say, but stopped as soon I realized who it was.

Waeden Sorenson.

Waeden was a bit infamous at my school. Everyone knew that he was gorgeous, with his ash blonde hair and light grey eyes, but he usually kept to himself. Waeden had a bit of mysterious persona to him, but those who knew him said that he was a genuinely friendly guy with a bit of a bad boy edge to him. My family, however, would say that he’s pure evil. My grandfather and his grandfather hated each other when they were in their primes. I don’t know the whole story, but it’s something about how his grandfather was a closet criminal and they had gotten into a dispute over a well. So when they were in school, his father and my father and his siblings fought all the time. They hated each other, to put it nicely.

It seems that things change, though, because Waeden is very close friends with my cousin, Brandon. His mother goes by the sayings “forgive and forget” and “You can’t choose your family”. I however had never really talked to him, because my father would probably all but kill me. It’s from him that I got not only my pride but also my ability to hold grudges for so long.

“It’s alright,” He replied as he patted the wet spot on his black shirt, “It’s not the worst thing I’ve had spilled all over me.” He paused, “You’re Aubrey, Brandon’s cousin, right?”

“Yeah. You’re in my English class with bat-crazy Betty.” Oops. It seems that alcohol causes me to lose any ability to keep my mouth shut.

He just laughed. “I don’t think we’ve every really talked before.”

“That’s not entirely true. I think you asked me to borrow a pencil before.”

“Well, it’s a shame that we literally had to bump into each other. By the way, I’m sorry about what happened to you in the cafeteria. Thomas is an asshole. You could do much better.”

I looked over at my ex, who was still attempting to rob the cradle, “I know.”

And so that’s how it had started. We sat down near the kitchen table and talked for what seemed like hours. I didn’t know why my parents seemed to hate him so much; he seemed to be really friendly and charming. Plus, it might have been the alcohol taking control of my senses, but he did look absolutely stunning, and when he looked at me I could feel my cheeks blushing furiously. I couldn’t help but feel completely comfortable around him.

As the night grew on, more people started to show up, and it became harder for us to hear each other without shouting across the room, and we had grown tired of watching everyone making complete fools out of themselves. So, with wickedness on his mind, Waeden grabbed a bottle off the counter and we headed out to the back porch to start a game of “I Never”.

“Okay, let me think,” I said as I calmed down from my last laughing fit, “I…I never had a crush on a friend’s parent.” Waeden hesitated before taking a swig of the bottle, and I looked at him in awe, “Who?”

“Laura Everly’s mom. Don’t give me that look! I don’t care what anybody says, she is just as attractive as her daughter.”

I shook my head in disapproval, but the smile never disappeared from my face, “Your turn.”

Waeden got quiet all of a sudden, and he stared straight at me with a look I couldn’t quite define. He finally spoke and whispered softly, “I’ve never kissed one of my relative’s friends.”

My breath hitched, and I gazed back at him as I kept my hands away from the bottle. Very slowly, he leaned forward until he was close enough for me to lightly feel his breath, “We can change that.”

And so he kissed me. I felt myself in complete euphoria. He was so warm and strong, but he held me so gently that I couldn’t help but lean into him. I remember the way he tasted, the way he smelled, and the way his hair felt underneath my fingers.

After a few minutes we broke apart, but still stayed very close to one another. A simple smirk crossed over my face as I picked up the bottle and took one last swig. I then grabbed his hand and pulled him up, “let’s go.”

And that’s how it happened. It wasn’t what I had expected when I had bumped into him earlier that night, and if you had told me a few days ago that I would sleep with Waeden Donnahue, I would have laughed in your face. In the moment, though, it felt so right, like my body was magnetically attracted to him, and as we lay together afterwards, I did not regret the decision that I had made.

Until now

The next day, we had made a mutual agreement to not let anybody know about what had happened at Louis and Matt’s eighteenth birthday party. It was partially because neither of us wanted Michael to find out. He probably wouldn’t have liked that his best friend hooked up with his favorite cousin on a whim. It was also because I felt like I couldn’t let everyone down, and this would surely ruin my reputation. So we went our separate ways, and I had not talked to Waeden since, which was a little frustrating. Did he regret that night so much that he couldn’t even bear to look at me? Because as of right now, he’s got another thing coming.

I heard a knock on the bathroom door that drew me out of my memories, and I scrambled to collect the tests in case the door opened. “Aubrey, it’s about time to eat. Are you okay in there?”

“Yeah mom, I’m fine. I’ll be right down,” I replied as I wiped the tears from my eyes, trying to appear stronger than I felt.

Maybe I never had to leave this bathroom. I have a shower and water and shelter here. I’m sure I could live off toothpaste for a little bit. Maybe if i gve one of the twins my room, they’ll feed me salami sandwiches from under the door. Then I could just stay here for nine months and have the baby here, so that when I finally emerge with it in my arms my parents will immediately fall in love and not decide to kill me.

I sighed, knowing that this was simply wishing. For now, I had to hold off telling them. The holidays were coming up, and I’d like to see my family one more time before I either run away or get buried six feet under.

So with that, I opened the door, ran to my room to hide the evidence, took a deep breath, and headed downstairs.