Let Me Know

“Hey,” Devin grabbed my arm as I stormed away, “Hey, hey hey, Aubrey, calm down.”

“I can’t calm down.” I looked over to where Justice was standing, a smug grin on her face and a sassy hand placed determinately on her hip. The urge to run over and pull out every strand of her perfectly styled hair was overwhelming. I had no idea how she was able to contain this for so long, but I was sure she would take every opportunity to toss it in my face hereafter.

I turned to Devin, my eyes narrowed, “Did you and my brothers keep this from me too?”

“No, of course not.” He threw his hands up defensively.

“Honestly, Bre,” Lois continued as he and Matt joined us. “We had no idea until we showed up here. He kept the entire thing a secret from us.”

My shoulders softened as I slumped in defeat. I knew my brothers could never lie to me about something like this. “Why…”

“No one understands.” Matt replied as he put a hand on my shoulder. “So let’s just forget about how big of an idiot our dear cousin is and focus on the rest of the evening without him.”

“He’s right, you know,” Devin replied, sending a smile my way. “Come on,” He grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. “I brought you here to have a good time, so that’s what we’re going to do.”

I caught the corner of his grin as he dragged me towards the others and laughed before following behind.

It was easy to forget about my dirtbag of a cousin once the dance started. We all gathered in a group, jumping in conversation between Chloe and Emily and Devin and even the dates my brothers had brought. The only person I didn’t actively engage, and vice versa, was Waeden. Our interactions consisted of sideways glances and curious observation when the other wasn’t looking. I tried not to think about him, but my heart still sank a little when I watched him and Chloe hold each other close for pictures. I think Devin knew because when our turn came he picked me up playfully, bringing my laughter alive once more.

Eventually we parted ways as the dance floor filed up, although no couple was ever too far away. Devin and I joined my brothers, whose company I didn’t mind for once and whose dates were nice and didn’t treat me like ‘that pregnant girl. But then again, even I didn’t feel like that pregnant girl in those moments. It was as if time was irrelevant and I was back to being a normal teenage girl, even for just a few hours.

“Hey, Waeden,” I suddenly heard Devin call out and turned to where the other couple was standing. “Mind trading partners for a dance or two?”

What the hell was he thinking? I turned to Devin in surprise and opened my mouth to retort before he sent me a sideways wink, stopping my words in their place. Waeden turned to Chloe, who shrugged as if to say ‘why not’ and walked towards us, leaving Waeden’s attention to rest on me.

This suddenly seemed like a terrible idea as I walked in Waeden’s direction. Neither of us had spoken the entire night and now I had to spend at least a song’s worth alone with him. I was already nervous, but when he took my hand and smiled at me, I could feel my heartbeat escalate, far more than what I would consider healthy.

“Hi,” he greeted. His arm wrapped around me and we began to sway, a sense of comfort slowly began to wash out my anxiety.

“Hi.”

“I, um…I’m sorry about your cousin.” He continued after a few moments. “Chloe went into an uproar after you left.”

“Yeah, well, just because we share some genes doesn’t mean I have to make any claim to know him.” I replied. The whole situation brought my blood to a boil, and just hearing Chloe’s name made me want to scowl, but the sincerity in his voice seemed to keep me level. He could understand my pain; Justice had affected him as well as me, and as his brother’s friend he knew of Michael’s familial bonds.

“Still, I’m glad you’re here and seem to be enjoying yourself.”

“Yeah,” I smiled and looked toward Devin and Chloe. I watched as he spoke something in her year and he responded by throwing her head back in laughter that filled the room. That boy could brighten anyone’s day.

“So are you two dating?” Waeden’s words were playful, but there was a hind of something in his voice I couldn’t quite place.

"Shouldn't you be more concerned with the fact that your girlfriend is dancing with the guy I'm supposedly dating?"

"So you're not?"

"What does it matter? Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to date.”

“No need to get defensive. I was just curious.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, you know.”

“Well it’s a good thing I’m a human then, isn’t it?”

A short laugh escaped and I looked away to hide the proof that I was finding him amusing. He always made it so easy to relax, to forget that anything bad had happened between us and that I wasn’t aloud to be this comfortable around him. It was a terrible curse that always, always brought trouble along with it.

“And there It is again,” He voice caused me to look back at him. The playful adoration that filled his eyes was now joined by a hint of sadness, and my own curiosity leapt forward. “What’s there?”

“That guard you always seem to put up around me. Bre, I know what you’re like when you’re being yourself, and this isn’t it. You don’t have put up a façade around me. Haven’t I earned that right yet?”

“What makes you say that?” I couldn’t help but smile, slightly embarrassed yet flattered that he noticed such a thing.”

“Well, I think sharing an entire evening and a bottle of alcohol is more than enough merit, but there’s also that fact that I’m friends with your cousin, I’m dating your other cousin…and I mean, we are having a baby, Aubrey."

The intensions behind his words were lost on me as every one brought out the anger inside of me. A switch seemed to flip inside of me and the playful banter immediately turned to abrasiveness, "No...no, no, no, no. We are not having a baby, Waeden. I am having a baby."

We stopped dancing as he looked at me in shock at my sudden outburst, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I'm the one who has to carry this thing around for nine months, deal with the cramps and pain, and then go through hours of labor. The only role you have in this is donor."

He didn’t falter for a second under the heat of my words and immediately retorted, "Well, please forgive me for not having a uterus. Just because I don't have to go through all that doesn't mean I can't help you."

"Please Waeden, don't act like you're a part of my life. If you want to be such a big help then why haven't you even asked about my morning sickness, or when my next appointment is, or even to see my sonogram picture?"

"You...you have a picture?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do. “

“And it never crossed your mind to tell me about it? Aubrey, the reason I’m not involved is because you won’t let me. From that second day onward you’ve been completely shutting me out.”

“Don’t try and put this on me. You’re the one who turned around and started dating my cousin.”

“And you never told me not to.”

Those words seemed to shoot a dart right through my chest, and for the first time I looked away. My thoughts traveled back to Chloe sitting in my bedroom, asking if I really was okay with her relationship. I thought it was; then again, it was her asking, not him. “I didn’t know I had an opinion.”

He looked at me incredulously, “You always have an opinion Aubrey, but the problem is that you keep it to yourself. You go around trying please everybody except yourself, and then when things don’t go your way you lash out on us like we’re supposed to be able to read your backbent mind. You need to do something for yourself for a change.”

“Yeah, well, the last time I did something for myself I got pregnant.”

He was silent for a moment before he shook his head curtly and looked away. “Whatever Aubrey. I’m not playing your fucking games anymore. I’m done trying to please you.”

“I never asked you to please me!” My words were louder than before and it was then that I noticed the song had stopped and people were looking in our direction. My cheeks were hot with embarrassment or anger, I didn’t know, and I quickly took a long step back and away from him.

“Everything alright?” Devin asked as he walked back towards me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah,” I replied as I looked up to give him the briefest of smiles. “I’m just going to find Brandon…catch some air.” My words were muddled together, and I knew that my cousin was standing behinds us and not in the direction I was now walking, but it didn’t matter as long as I got away. Tears of frustration and anger had begun to form, and I didn’t need to give Waeden the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

I stepped outside the backdoor, the cool February wind calming and stopping my tears in their tracks. I was so angry with Waeden for putting me here, pregnant and heartbroken. I had never asked him for anything, to do anything for me, so why was he getting all defensive when I was only speaking the truth. Pleasing me was never, ever his responsibility, and he had no right to believe I would do the same.

And playing games? He was the one who was dating Chloe then creating some sideline life with me. I had been fine, was still fine, with seeing Waeden as nothing more than an acquaintance. It was his words that were always cryptic and laced with mystery, not mine. No, the game playing was definitely coming from his end.

The anger once again started to rise inside me before a cold gust of wind blew across and calmed me from the outside in. I didn’t even know why he affected me like he did. It was a force of nature that seemed to arise whenever we were in the same vicinity. I knew the experience wasn’t always negative; it was Waeden’s alluring eyes and natural magnetism that drew me in that first night, and despite what had come of it I couldn’t deny it was one of the best evenings I had ever had. It just seemed that lately our interactions were fueled with a different kind of fire.

It soon became to cold to stand outside, much less in a dress, so I stepped inside, taking a detour to the bathroom to try and put the splinters of my composure back together. There was surprisingly no on there, so I quickly scurried to the end of the room and began dabbing at my eyes.

This was not how I expected the night to go. I was supposed to be having fun, not standing in the bathroom trying to fix my makeup and trying to get rid of the evidential tearstains. Sure, I might have wanted to show off a little, grab Waeden’s attention, but shouting on the dance floor was not on my agenda. It wasn’t his entire fault; Michael definitely had played his part in my sour mood, and I wasn’t going to be talking to him for a very, very long time. But Waeden had placed the bittersweet topping on the cake, and there was almost no turning myself around. But I had to, if not for me then for Devin. He deserved it.

I took a deep breath and observed myself in the mirror as I began the pep talk. Come on Aubrey, pull yourself together. Waeden’s been in the radar for what, three months? Who cares what he says or thinks or does or feels? Don’t let him ruin your night. But the truth was that he would, and the face in the mirror never changed.

I left the bathroom in only a marginally less bad mood, although now my tear ducts wouldn’t betray me in public. I could go out there and smile and dance and pretend like I was having the best evening of my life even though that was the biggest like since Santa Clause. But this wasn’t entirely about me; Devin deserved a not-so-sucky evening, and I could at least give him that.

As the corner rounded, however, it became increasingly harder to hold onto any glimmer of positivity. A couple stood making out against the wall, separate bodies only distinguishable by the clash of yellow and black. Just watching them all lovey-dovey and in love made me angry and nauseated, and I shouted, “Get a room.” It wasn’t until I took a few more steps that the complete scene registered in my mind, stopping me in my tracks.

“Lauren?”

The youngest Reed sibling poked her head out, face as red as a flame. I could tell she had heard and seen me first, the prayers of a failed recognition still shadows in her eyes.

“Hi Aubrey,” She managed to mutter out. Her date was completely turned away from me, as if that would ease his involvement from my memory.

“Hi,” Was all I could manage to reply. Mary and Joseph…she was only fourteen. Sure, I had boyfriends at her age, but I definitely wasn’t kissing them like that, and certainly not in a dark corridor at a high school dance. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend.

“Um,” She continued after a few moments of my very awkward silence, “This is Reggie,” He looked in my directions for the briefest of introductory smiles before turning away once more, finding the scenery far more interesting than our conversation at that point in time. “He asked me to the dance and well…” She grabbed onto his arm. “We’re dating now.”

“That’s great…” My mouth still hung open flabberghastedly. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to smile but the bigger part of me wanted her to know that it was all a lie, that kissing like that would only leave her heartbroken and hurt and, if they kept going, pregnant.

“Please don’t tell my brothers about this,” She continued pleadingly. ‘If Michael saw, he’d…”

I almost told her that Michael had no room to talk because he was currently sticking his tongue down the throat of a vapid hooker, and I wouldn’t even be speaking to him ever again anyway, but decided against it. “I won’t.” I replied instead. I had enough problems of my own. “I uh…I have to go.” I nodded my head before dashing out, unable to face her anymore.

The moment I came back to the gym I found Devin, who appeared to have been searching for me. “You okay?”

“Fine,” I replied in an attempt to convince not only him but also myself. “Let’s just go find my brothers.”

It turns out, though, that everything wasn’t okay. It felt as though I had entered an alternate universe the moment I stepped through the double doors and back into the gym. Where I once saw classmates, family, and friends, I know saw nothing but couples. Lots of couples spread out all over the place. Lauren was back with her newly formed boyfriend, although a distance was kept now that her brothers were in the vicinity. A glimpse was caught of Michael and Justice who had no boundaries. My own brothers seemed to be relatively cozy with their dates, and even Abby was holding shoulders with some boy who looked to be of this planet.

The worst was, of course, that no matter where I went or how hard I tried to evade him, Waeden was always hiding in my peripheral, unavoidable as a silent monster that haunted my conscious thoughts. And every time, he’d look at me for only a moment, as if I’d imagined it, before bringing Chloe just a little bit closer or whisper in her ear or caress her back. I knew he was trying to get to me, and I was disgusted with the fact that it worked.

As the hour passed and the nightmare continued, my depression and desperation escalated. Why was he allowed to have the perfect life without any worries or problems? Why did he get the girlfriend while I was over here dancing with my brothers’ best friend? I was alone. He said he wanted to help; well this wasn’t helping, not even close. I still wanted to prove him wrong, even if he wasn’t.

My trials reached their peak when a slower song came on, and Devin grabbed me. Waeden and Chloe stood a few feet away, and we turned in time so that Waeden and I stood facing each other. I tried to listen to Devin, but my gaze would wander over without thought and catch him. I knew he was watching me, even if he didn’t show it, but I wanted him to.

Finally another turn was made, and although I kept my eyes on Devin, I caught Waeden’s gaze from the corner of mine. Before I could think, I gave him a cold, hard stare before turning back and kissing Devin.

There wasn’t anything special about it; it was simply just two lips pressed together. There were no fireworks, no butterflies, no eternal longing. There were absolutely no feelings with it, just a simple action, but it seemed to mean so much more. And Devin’s name wasn’t the one floating through my head.

“What the hell?”

A few seconds passed before my brother’s voice barged through my senses and I pulled away as I realized what I had done. Devin’s eyes were wide with shock and confusion.

“I’m sorry, I…I don’t know…” I fumbled with an explanation, but there wasn’t one. As he stayed silent, I felt the embarrassment well up in me once again and looked away. “I…I have to go.” For the second time that evening I walked away without a single glance back.

I sat on the steps in the entryway, the doors unable to drone out the music behind them as I pulled my knees up and buried my face in them. I can’t believe I did that. Why did I do that? Was I really so desperate for Waeden’s attention that I would risk everything I had? As hard as I tried I couldn’t pinpoint the moment I had become this person, this desperate girl vying for a glance of someone else’s boyfriend. Even still, I didn’t know who I hated more-Waeden or myself.

A shadow blocked out the light and looked up to find Devin standing over me, a concerned yet amused expression on his face. “Was this a part of some master plan of yours? Because I definitely didn’t get the memo.”

“No, there definitely was no plan for that. I have no idea what came over me.” I buried my head in my hands once more, “I’m so sorry, Devin. I’ve ruined everything.”

“Hey,” He knelt down in front of me and took my attention away from my sweaty palms, “You didn’t ruin anything. In fact, you’ve probably given me the most memorable dance ever.”

“I just don’t want things to be weird between us now. I mean first Michael and Waeden, now you…”

“Bre, I have kissed many girls in my high school career, and all of our relationships are perfectly fine,” I gave him a menacing glare, and he chuckled, “But seriously, I understand. Nothing will change. Plus, if it makes you feel any better, Waeden’s expression was full of jealous rage after you walked away.”

“I don’t care what Waeden thinks,” I replied defiantly, but I couldn’t deny the smugness that clouded my mind. Although my decision to lay one on Devin was completely impulsive and hormonal, I knew the main reason I did it was because of him. If he hadn’t of made me so angry and jealous, none of this would have happened.

“Well, I think we’ve had enough excitement for one night,” Devin stood up and stretched his legs, then extended his arm out to me, “Want to go home?”

I took a moment to think, “Yeah, I think I do.” I replied as I grabbed his hand to help pull myself up.

“Alright, well, grab your coat and wait here. I’m going to bring the car around,” I started to protest, but he immediately cut me off, “Ah, no objections! I am the chivalrous gentleman, and you are my lady escort. Besides, I need some way to repay you for that kiss.”

I opened my mouth to comment, but he was already headed out the door. The corners of my lips turned up as I smiled in his direction despite the fact that he was long gone. If I was thankful for anything this evening, it was Devin. Maybe my brothers did know best when they threw out the suggestion to take me. Either way, I was eternally grateful for his company.

“Leaving so soon?”

I swiveled my head around to find Waeden standing there, his expression full of anger just as Devin had said. My attention stayed with him for only a split moment before I turned my back to hi, not in any mood to see or hear him.

“Off to spend the evening with your new lover? Are you going to ignore him tomorrow as well?”

“You know, for someone who was talking about pleasing me earlier, you don’t know how to leave well enough alone, do you?” All my anger and stress from the evening lashed out at once, not caring if I was bringing truth to his earlier observation.

“Or were you just trying to get my attention?” He continued as he ignored me, fury still displayed all over his face.

“Not everything in my life revolves around you.”

“Well it’s a good think you can only get pregnant once.”

“Fuck you, Waeden,” The words came out louder than I intended, but I was so angry that I didn’t care what I said and who heard me. “My family was right. You’re just like your father and I should have stayed away from you.”

“And you’re just like your mother; can’t keep your legs closed.”

I watched as his face immediately changed into regret, but the damage was already done. I took a step back, my brain still trying to register his words while the tears were already forming. Waeden knew that he had been the only one, was the only one, but he threw it in my face and insulted my family in the process.

“Aubrey, I’m-“

“I don’t ever want to speak to you again.” My voice was calm, but the rage was evident with every syllable I spoke. My eyes stared coldly at him for another second before I turned and walked out the door.