Let Me Know

Sometimes I wish I was a bird. Something exotic like a parrot or a toucan. I couldn’t go without talking, so it’d have to be one of those. Not only would I be able to fly wherever I wanted but I could listen to conversations and mock them. But most importantly, I want to be a bird because their offspring probably don’t mean as much to them as humans. For instance, a mom bird probably wouldn’t consider murder if her daughter bird got pregnant before she left the nest. And the mom bird wouldn’t even need to know. The daughter bird could just drop off the egg on some unsuspecting passerby and not have to worry about telling the father of the egg, who’s going out with her bird cousin. She wouldn’t have to worry about sitting at the table with her mom bird and telling her about her little egg situation.

But no, I was born a human, sitting at the dinner table with my mom and brothers. My dad had to work late, which was strange as it was the day after Christmas, but my mom just went with it. She didn’t feel like cooking so she brought home a truckload of Chinese for us. I had just come down from a meeting with the toilet, and I already thought that the food from Chang Wow smells like rotten eggs and feet, so it didn’t seem appetizing to me from any angle.

"Aubrey, are you okay? You've barely touched your food."

I looked down and realized that I had stopped pretending to eat and was absentmindedly pushing it all into one big pile of nasty. Damn, I let her catch on.

"I'm fine mom, I'm just not hungry."

"Does this have anything to do with the fact that you were throwing up before you came down?" Louis asked as he grinned wickedly, and I shot him a glare from across the table. It would be him to rat me out.

"Audrey, is this true?"

"Yeah, mom, it's just a bug. It'll go away soon." In nine months.

“Yeah, considering she's been doing it every morning for the past we-ow!" I kicked him hard underneath the table. If I get out of this alive he'll be first on my ‘to kill’ list, right above Michael. "Don't get mad at me because you sound like an ox giving birth when you're in there and our room is next door."

"Aubrey, this has been going on for a while?"

"Yeah, mom, but it's going away, it was just a little bug."

"I don't think it is. We should take you to the hospital."

"No!" I said it a bit too forcefully, and the table instantly got quiet, "I mean, there's no need, really. It will go away soon."

"But Aubrey, if you've been throwing up every morning for the past week, it could be-"

Suddenly, she got real quiet, and she looked at me with an expressionless face.

Oh shit. She figured it out. Dear God, is it too late to give me wings? I promise that I’ll be good and won’t poop on cars or people or chirp really early in the morning. I’ll just sit quietly in an apple tree somewhere and not cause any trouble.

"Could be what?" Matt asked earnestly.

My mom shook her head, and then looked at him. "Nothing. What did you guys do today?
She wasn't fooling anyone by changing the subject. I could tell by her half hearted smile and the distracted look on her face that she was far from done with me.

I spent the rest of dinner sitting silently in my chair, trying to avoid contact with my mom. I knew she was doing the same because when she was talking it was to one of the boys, who didn't seem to notice the tension filling the room. Not that I expected them to; they're all kind of dumb in their own personal ways.

Finally, once everyone was done eating, my mother sighed, "alright guys, ill clean up the table tonight. You're excused."

"Don't mind if we do-"

"We've got a game to finish."

I tried to sneak out unnoticed, but as soon as I turned away my mom called out, "Aubrey. You stay a moment."

The room was silent, and suddenly Louis and Matt were pulling a 180.

"On second thought-"

"Dessert sounds lovely-"

"And we'd love to do the dishes."

"Stop." my mom put her hand out and they stopped dead in tracks. "Boys, upstairs now."

"But-"

"Now."

They sighed reluctantly, but eventually sulked up the stairs. My mom was quiet for a moment as she listened before calling out "All the way, boys. Into your rooms NOW." a disgruntled growl was heard, soon followed by the sound of a door closing.

She then looked at me for the first time since dinner, and I couldn't read her expressions. She didn't look like she was out for blood, but it could have been hiding underneath a calm and demeaning expression. "Let's go into the living room. They can't hear us there.

At least we were moving away from the knives. Of course, there were other ways she could kill me in there; Strangulation by power chords; suffocation via cushion. The possibilities were endless.

I sat down on the edge of the couch, and she sat on the other. Her hands were folded in her lap, and I knew that was a bad sign. She only did that when she was sad, nervous, or really pissed off.

My mom was quiet for a few moments, and then she finally looked up at me. "Aubrey, I'm going to ask you this once and I want you to be honest with me.” She took a breath, “Aubrey, are you pregnant?”

I knew this moment in my life would come, but I never thought it would go like this. I imagined that I would be sitting down with both of my parents, telling them straight forward about my problems. They’d both go crazy like wild apes, holding onto each other in hysterics as I quietly snuck out. The boys would be crowded around making bets over who gets what of mine that they would actually want. With Ryan here, he might be able to wisk me away to safety, but it wouldn’t be long before they caught up with me.

Instead, it was just me and my mom sitting on the couch like a normal Thursday night, except there was far more tension than usual. And a whole lot of awkward.

Finally, I looked her in the eyes, and replied, “Yes.”

She didn’t say anything, just looked down at her fidgeting hands. Probably in an attempt to hide the rage that was consuming her. I closed my eyes, as I didn’t want my last living image to be of my mother lunging at me with blood thirst. Actually, I didn’t want to see it at all.

Instead, I tried to imagine a face of happiness, one that would make me smile. I saw my family, my brothers, Chloe, Michael, and Brandon. Everyone who was in my life. What suprised me the most, however, was that at the end of the line, Waeden flashed through my mind. It was how he looked the night of the party, just him and me outside, a warm smile spread across his face.

Suddenly, I felt arms wrap around me, and I cringed instinctively. I was shocked, though, when I felt no pain, slowly, I opened my eyes to see that my mother was hugging me, as tears ran down her cheeks.

Seeing her cry made me want to cry too. This baby was really fucking with my hormones. I usually cry maybe three times a year. I’ve surpassed my limit in the last week.
“I’m sorry mom!” I cried into her shoulder, “I didn’t mean for it to happen but it just did, and I didn’t know how to tell you because I thought you were going to kill me or kick me out or something and I knew that you would be disappointed in me but I really didn’t want you to hate me because your only daughter is now worthless and a mistake and-”

“Aubrey, stop.” She pulled me away and I looked up at her. “First, I could never hate you no matter what you could do. I knew that something was going on with you, I just thought it was one of those mood swings I’ve hear kids have. I’m just more upset that you didn’t feel that you could tell me any of this.”

“I was going to. I…Ryan figured it out on Christmas and he was going to come over tomorrow to help me tell you guys. I was just so afraid of what you would say.”

“Well, I can’t say that I’m not disappointed in you, Aubrey,” She then gave me her ‘I’m disappointed in you’ look, and I knew that we were past hugs. “and don’t think that you’re not off the line with punishment. Although this isn’t exactly something I can ground you for. You realize this isn’t something reversible, like crashing the car or staying out past curfew, right?”
“I know.”

“I’m just glad it’s not something more serious.” She paused for a moment, “Who’s the father, Aubrey?”

I looked back up at her, and I knew there was no way I would be getting out of this one. I whispered, “Waeden Sorenson.”

“Oh dear,” She replied as she shook her head slightly.

The room went quiet once more. I couldn’t quite decipher how my mom was feeling. She didn’t seem too upset at the moment, but I knew that her rage would soon come. No mother could be completely okay with this situation.

“When are we going to tell dad?” I finally asked her.

She ran her hands through her hair, “I’m not going to lie to you, Aubrey, he’s not going to be as okay with this as I am. You know what, I’ll tell him tonight when he gets home. Then tomorrow we can sit down and talk about taking you to the doctor and all those kinds of things.

I nodded my head then jumped into my mother’s arms. “Thank you, mom,” I whispered into her hear, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Aubrey,” I heard her sniffle as she began to cry once again. “Now go upstairs and get some rest before your dad gets home.”

I nodded, and then quietly left. I turned back once more to see my mom still seated on the couch, her face buried in her hands.

I was alive, but my heart still ached like someone had stabbed it. This was a mess that wasn’t going to be mopped up easily.

______________________________________________________________________

Three hours later, I was sitting at the top of the stairs, wrapped in my favorite ducky blanket. Normally, this was Louis and Matt’s spot, when they would see just how much trouble they were in for setting the couch on fire (a one-time situation, but caused a lot of screaming and a lot of trouble). Tonight, however, I was keeping post. My dad had gotten home not too long ago, and my mom had told him about my ‘situation’, as she had called it.

“How are you okay with this? We are talking about our seventeen-year-old daughter, Anne!”
“There’s nothing we can do about it now, Nick. She may be our daughter but this was her mistake and it will be her decision to do what she thinks is right.”

“Well we can’t just stand around and do nothing. I think we should ground her and take away everything from-“

“No, Nick, absolutely not! Do you want her to hate us?” I heard my mom sigh with frustration, and I knew that she was ruffling her hair at that moment. “This might be the only time for a child hood that she has left, and I don’t want to take that from her. It will be hard enough as it is.”

“So, are we just supposed to stand around and pretend that everything’s okay? That she’s done something good?”

“Aubrey will be paying for this the rest of her life, no matter what her decision is. You act like she’s stolen a car or killed someone. She got pregnant, Nick, and she’s not the first teenager to do so. Don’t you remember when this happened to-”

“Of course I remember,” My father’s voice got quiet, and I could barely hear him, “It was a rough time for all of us.”

“And do you remember what your parents did?”

It was silent for a moment. “They accepted it and were supportive of her.”

“Exactly.” I watched my mom cross the doorway, and I knew that she was going to my dad on the other side, “She needs our support right now, more than she probably ever will. So tomorrow, we’re going to sit down with her, and we will not be mean or rude.”

I heard my dad sigh in agreement, and I thought the conversation was over. However, as I was about to get up, I heard my dad speak again, “Who’s the father of this baby?”

My breath hitched in my throat. If she told him, all the peace would go down the drain and he would fly up here faster than superman. Christmas was already an indication that he was not a fan of Waeden, and this would make the situation much worse.

“She hasn’t told me, and I’m not going to force her to. It’s not important right now.”

“Thank god,” I whispered, relieved. I would live to see another day. I closed my eyes and lay back on the floor, taking in this moment. My parents now knew about my ‘situation’, as I had come to calling it, and I could breathe. Now I only had to worry about telling everyone else.
As I continued to lay there in my peaceful bliss, the light around me suddenly faded. Slowly, I opened my eyes to find the faces of Louis and Matt staring down at me.

“You realize that your bed would probably be a little bit more comfortable than the hallway floor, right?”

I immediately stood up and wrapped my blanket around me for safety. I really hoped they had just walked out and hadn’t heard the conversation my parents had just had. The twins weren’t the best at keeping family secrets. My freshman year, I was at Chloe’s house with family, and we were all lounging on their deck. I got up to get another soda, tripped on someone’s shoe, and fell into their pool, wearing nothing but a white dress. The two of them took pictures and decided to tell everyone the next day. I never trusted them since.

“How long have you guys been here?”

“Oh, about twenty minutes,” Louis replied.

My heart sunk into my stomach, “Did you hear-”

“We heard everything, Bre.”

I stood there for a few minutes, my fear escalating. If they went and told everyone before I got a chance, I wasn’t sure how I would be able to take it. “Guys, please don’t tell anyone.”

“Aubrey,” Matt walked over and placed his hands on my shoulders. I had never seen him look this serious, “We won’t tell anyone, we promise. This isn’t something we’d go and announce to the world.”

“Yeah,” Louis chimed in, “I mean, sure we might tell the school about every other embarrassing moment of yours, but this isn’t one of them. This is serious.”

“And we promise that we’ll keep it to ourselves.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, and I gave them both a hug. For the most part, I hate the things that brothers do. It was moments like this, though, that showed me just how much I love them.

“So,” Louis said after our one moment of love, “you didn’t tell mom, but are you going to tell us who the lucky lad is?”

They may have promised not to tell, but I still didn’t trust my brothers with that kind of information, “You guys are just going to have to wait until everyone knows.”

“Come on, Bre. Can you at least tell us if we know him?”

“Of course you know him. I didn’t just go and have sex with some random stranger on the street.”

Matt shrugged, “We never know with you sometimes, Aubrey.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at them, “What is that supposed to mean?”

They laughed. “Nothing, I’m just messing with you. Just because you’re all knocked up doesn’t mean you’ve lost your sense of humor.”

“It does, one of the side effects. Very tragic,” I replied.

“Let’s go to bed,” Matt said after a few moments, “Mom and Dad will be coming up in a few moments, and we don’t want them to know that we were eavesdropping, do we?”

“No, I guess we don’t,” I turned and gave them one last hug, “Thanks, you guys,”

“You’re welcome, kid.” I slugged Louis on the arm playfully for using my hated nickname, and he laughed, “See you tomorrow,”

“Yeah,” I replied before once more wrapping myself up and heading to my room.