Let Me Know

The first week of school had gone by faster than I had anticipated, and as Friday drew to an end, I felt myself breathing easier out of relief. After my meeting with Principal Moore, I wasn’t as afraid of everyone finding out I was pregnant. I wouldn’t get expelled, and I didn’t have to completely worry about the entire school boycotting against me. I mean, of course I was still uneasy about Justice knowing, because I would never hear the end of it, and I was still terrified to tell the rest of my family, but for the most part I walked with a little air in my step.

Mr. Moore’s parting words, however, kept my brain from taking a break. Truth be told, I had never thought about what I would do after the whole pregnancy part. Motherhood wasn’t my forte, I knew that. It was hard enough for me to remember what I was going in to the fridge for, how was I supposed to be trusted in taking care of a whole other person? On the flip side, though, I knew nothing about adoption, or how to get into that. What if no one wanted my baby because I’m a grungy teenage who they think did too many drugs for the kid to be okay? I wasn’t going to be responsible for this poor, innocent kid to grow up without any kind of love and care. And was I really going to be okay with giving my baby up?

I didn’t have too much time to think about it, however, because Friday afternoon was my first doctor’s appointment, and that soon consumed my thoughts. I was glad my mother was going with me, because I really had no idea what I was supposed to be expecting, and it frightened me a little bit. What if I found out that something had gone wrong?

That’s why, when my mother called me that afternoon, my nerves reacted instinctively.
“Hello?” I answered tentatively.

“Oh god, Aubrey, I’m so sorry,” My mother cried into the phone, “I got stuck at work, and now there’s a traffic jam on the interstate. I don’t think I’ll make it in time to take you to your appointment.

My heart dropped in my chest. My mother was not one to be unreliable, and now was really not the time for her to change that. This was a first time for me, and to think that I would have to go alone made m stomach upset for reasons other than morning sickness.

“It’s alright, there’s nothing you can do about it,” I replied with confidence, but that was not what I was truly feeling. I wanted to tell her that she had to get here, whether she sped or hit all the cars in her way or not.

“I should be able to make it there at some time, but not before it starts. Is there anyone you can call to take you and I’ll meet you there later?”

“Of course, yeah, I’ll find someone. Don’t worry, Mom.”

“Okay, thank god. I’m so sorry, Aubrey. I’ll see you later,” She replied before hanging up.
As soon as I was off the phone, I went into a complete state of panic. I had no idea who I was going to get to take me to my appointment. The twins were completely out of the question; they still got queasy at the sight of packaged tampons. Taking them would be the worst idea imaginable. It looks like I would have to go all alone. Unless…

I quickly pulled out my phone, and after a few rings, a voice sounded through the receiver, “Hello?”

“Hillary? It’s Aubrey.”

“Aubrey, what’s up?”

I paused for a moment as I tried to think of the right thing to say, “Listen, I know this is short notice, but is their anyway you would be able to take me to my first doctor’s appointment today? My mom is stuck in traffic, and won’t be able to make it until later,”

The other line was quiet, and I was sure that she was going to say no.

“Of course, I’d be glad to take you. When is your appointment?”

I heaved a great sigh of relief. I was so glad that Hillary would go with me, as she was the closest to a sister that I would have other than Chloe, and it was obvious why she couldn’t go. On top of all that, I didn’t have to go through this experience by myself.

“I have to be there in forty-five minutes.”

“Okay, I’ll change and be right over,”

“Thank you, Hillary,” I replied quietly.

There was a pause, and I could imagine her smiling on the other line, “Anything for you, Aubrey.”

_____________________________________________________________________

I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat as we sat in the waiting room. The youngest person in the room was me, and it made me a little uncomfortable. Around me were mothers with their husbands, rubbing their massive bellies and smiling with exuberance. Then there was me, this scared seventeen-year-old girl shivering in her boots with her older and childless sister-in-law. The whole thing was rather ironic, as she should have been in here before me, and I felt that everyone knew it too as they would give us sympathetic looks when they thought we weren’t looking. Despite the circumstances, however, a smile never left her face.

“Thank you once again, Hillary. This means a lot to me,”

She turned and smiled warmly at me, “Aubrey, it’s no problem at all. You’re the closest thing I’ve got to a sister, so I’d like to be here for you.” She then turned to look nostalgically at the other mothers in the room, “If I’m being honest, though, my intentions aren’t completely selfless. I…hope to be here one day with Ethan, and figured it would be a great learning experience.”

“I understand. Even still, thank you.”

"Aubrey Hughes?"

I looked at Hillary as my name was called, and she gave me an encouraging smile. I returned it as we stood up, trying not to let my nerves take the best of me, "Let's go."

Releasing my tension was easier said than done, however. After the initial tests with the nurse, waiting for the doctor seemed to take forever. I tried to focus on other things, but my focus kept drifting to the pictures and displays covering the walls or the many contraptions that filled the room. I had watches movies and videos that showed this kind of thing before, but I wasn't entirely sure what they were going to do to me. What if they found out that something was wrong?

Finally, the door opened, and a woman in a white lab coat walked in the room, "Hi, you must be Aubrey," She said as she walked over and shook my hand, "I'm Doctor Kline,"

"Nice to meet you," I replied. She seemed warm and friendly, and it made me feel partially relieved to know that she would be the one taking care of me.

She smiled at me and then turned to Hillary, "And you are..."

"Hillary Hughes, Aubrey's sister-in-law. Her mom got stuck in traffic, but she should be here shortly."

"Well, Aubrey, do you want to wait for her?" Doctor Kline turned and asked me, "I know for a young girl like yourself it's important to have your mom around."

"That's alri-" I started to respond, but before I could finish my mom burst through the doorway.

"I'm here!" She cried out, "Sorry for being late, I'm Mrs. Hughes."

"Doctor Kline," she replied, taking my mother’s hand. "Alright, now that everyone's here we can get started. Aubrey, you're eight weeks pregnant, correct?" I nodded. "Okay, well were just going to do a simple ultrasound, make sure everything's going okay."

After her explanation, she laid me back on the bed and lathered me in the icy ultrasound gel. My initial reaction was to pull back, but after a few seconds I forced myself to relax. Next to me, my mom and Hillary leaned over I excitement, giving little 'ohhs' and 'ahhs' whenever they deemed appropriate. I could understand Hillary's curiosity; it wouldn't be too long before she had this experience of new life and all it contained. My mother, however, had gone through this many times before, and I figured it would be somewhat of a bore.

After searching across my belly for a few minutes with the stick-thingy (I never bothered to learn its technical name), she stop in one spot and smiled, "Ahh, here we are."

Hillary and my mom both gasped, but I just looked at her, dumbfounded.

"Alright, we've got a steady heartbeat going, that's excellent. Can you hear it?

The room got quiet, and I heard a soft thumping coming from the machine that I assumed was the heartbeat she was talking about. I turned to my mom, and she smiled at me.
“And we can see the baby right here. It’s still pretty tiny, about the size of a lima bean, but technology’s great these days. There’s its elbows that are starting to develop, and we can kind of see the eyes right here,”

“Oh wow,” I hear my mom gasp in complete amazement, and I put a smile on to seem excited. Truthfully, I couldn’t see anything. The screen just looked like a haze of black and white to me. There was obviously something there, though, because everyone else in the room seemed to be completely ecstatic by what the screen was showing. So whether or not I saw what I was supposed to see, it made me happy, even if I didn’t understand at the time.

After we went through a few more things, the doctor cleaned me off, and I was able to relax. She went over some other topics, such as what I should and shouldn’t be doing, what was normal for me at this time, and the importance of taking my vitamins. I already knew everything they were telling me, but it was still important to listen. This wasn’t just about me anymore.

“One more thing before you leave, Audrey,” Doctor Kline continued, “I don’t usually do this, but since you’re young I have to ask. Have you thought about your options?”

I shook my head, “I mean, I have a little bit, but I really don’t know anything about adoption or what I would do.”

“Well, I can’t help you with that,” She left the room momentarily before coming back, papers in hand, “I know this must seem silly, but these pamphlets will be your best source for guiding. Review them, then if you have any more questions, they’ve got numbers and websites for you to use. But remember, Aubrey, the decision is yours and yours alone.”

I stared at the pamphlets, a little disappointed. I was kind of hoping that she would give me some words of wisdom to lead me in the right path. But she was right, it was something I needed to decide by myself.

“Oh, I almost forgot!” I looked up as Dr. Kline turned around and grabbed something before handing it to me, “Here’s your first ultrasound picture. Now you can take it and show all of your friends and family.”

I wanted to tell her that while I appreciated the gesture, it wasn’t necessary, as none of them new that I was even pregnant, much less that I had my fist ultrasound. Instead, I thanked her and held onto it with everything else she gave me.

_________________________________________________________________

I carried the ultrasound picture around with me at school the next few days. I wasn’t entirely sure why; it’s not like I was going to pull it out and show everyone the little baby head and baby elbows. I didn’t even know what I was looking at. The picture just made me feel calmer, though I couldn’t describe why. It was almost like a security blanket, there to let me know that this was real and was happening.

It made me feel terrible, however, that I couldn’t share it with everyone. The twins knew, of course; they were surprisingly excited when I showed them, and they found time to make a joke or two. I wanted more than anything, though, to tell Chloe and Brandon, and even Michael. The new mother in me wanted to pull the picture out in excitement and have everyone gleam over it. Of course, this was all a fantasy, because I knew everything wouldn’t be all puppies and rainbows when I finally told them. I just wanted them to see it and smile.
I knew I couldn’t hide it for much longer, however, even if I wanted to. My pants were already starting to get tight, and I would start showing soon. I had only been pregnant for two months, but it felt like a lifetime.

So Wednesday afternoon came along, and everyone was gathered at a table. I had spent most of the morning contemplating and picture-gazing, and had finally made a decision. As everyone was busy talking about socks and eating their burgers with ease, I just sat and watched. Every time I tried to speak, someone (namely the twins) would overpower me, and I’d sit looking like a gasping fish.

Finally, I’d had enough and yelled, “Can everyone be quiet for a minute!”

The table went silent as every head turned to me, and I squirmed under the attention
“Er…right, well, I just wanted to say that I think we should all get together sometime.”
“We’re together right now, Bre,” Michael replied as he arched his eyebrows at me.
I rolled my eyes, “Yes, but I mean like outside of school. We all haven’t really hung out in a while, where we’re all together, and I think that we should. I’m sure some of us have some things to talk about, right?”

Louis and Matt immediately caught on, and their faces like up like Christmas lights, “We’re in,”

Michael shrugged, “Sure why not,”

“This sounds like fun!” Chloe said as she clapped her hands excitedly, “When?”

I paused for a moment. It needed to be soon, but I also needed time to tell Waeden before everyone else. He deserved at least that, “Friday?”

“Can’t, we’ve got an away game,” Michael replied.

“Then Saturday?”

The table looked around at each other, and no one showed any disapproval.

“Alright then, Saturday it is,” I replied, heaving a sigh of relief. This was it. I was going to tell them everything. The only thing I needed to worry about now was how I was going to tell Waeden.

I needed to catch him alone, but ever since my accusations last week, he was more determined than ever to prove how much he cared about Chloe. They arrived at school together, spend their class breaks making kissy faces, and I swore I saw him feeding her once. It was kind of disgusting actually. I thought about just calling him, but I then realized that I didn’t have his number, nor did I have a good enough excuse to ask someone else for it. I didn’t want Chloe to think that I was stealing her boyfriend behind her back, because that was not even close. Fate just really, really didn’t like me.

After a few minutes, I excused myself from the table and went to my locker. Once I was sure that I was alone, I took out the picture. Every time I would look at it, I thought that I could see what the doctor saw that day, but as I stared at longer the colors just seemed to fade together. It didn’t really matter what I saw, though. It made me feel complacent just knowing that there was proof that this was happening. It also scared me senseless. This picture showed that this was really happening and was not some sick figment of my imagination.

A part of me wanted to cry myself into hysterics, while the other part of me wanted to leap for joy. I was beginning to understand why new mothers were always so happy even though they couldn’t see their toes and their stomachs were the sizes of watermelons. Every now and then I would get that same sense of jubilation that I’m sure they feel. Most of the time, however, it was masked by sheer terror. I didn’t know how I could be a mother to someone else. Fifteen minutes with the twins and I was ready to rip my hair out; I didn’t know how I would be able to take care of something that spends most of its time pooping or crying. The idea of me being a mother was unimaginable.

Also, I wasn’t even sure is Waeden would play any part in this other than donating a few chromosomes. I couldn’t exactly expect him to, either. He was in a relationship, and to ask him to forget about all of that. For all I knew, he and Chloe were destined to be together forever, and this mishap would just get in the way of their happiness. Asking him to raise this child would ruin everything. As much as I felt happiness about this baby, I didn’t know if it would be the right thing.

After I had spent what seemed like an extensive amount of time staring into my locker, I decided that it was time to go before someone thought I was up to something suspicious. I quickly gathered my papers together before closing my locker and heading to the classroom I knew would be empty. My feet had only take me a few steps, however, when I was stopped.

“Oh, Audrey?”

I spun around to find Justice standing where I once was, and my sonogram image was in her hands.

“Drop something?” She asked, holding it up for me to see.

“That’s not mine,” I replied instinctively, my heart pounding in my chest.

“Really? Because I just saw it fall from your hands.”

There was no way I was going to get out of this one. Justice had me in a corner, and I’d have to battle through her to escape alive. I took a deep breath before defiantly walking up to her, “Give that back, Justice,”

Surprisingly, she handed it back to me, but her smug grin never left her face.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” My voice cracked in terror as I spoke, and I could feel my body shaking as I clutched the picture tightly to my chest. She didn’t reply. “Please, Justice. I’m begging you, don’t tell anyone.”

Justice’s face went blank for a moment, but it was soon replaced by a simple smile that simply screamed evil, “I won’t tell anyone,” She replied quietly before turning and walking away.

I watched her exit the hall before turning and racing to my next class. I knew I should have been more careful, but Justice was the last person that I would expect to be there when I slipped. Terror filled my entire being at the thought that Justice would spread the word in only moments, before I even got a chance to tell those closest to me.

Justice had given me her word that she wouldn’t tell. I wanted to believe her. ‘She won’t tell,’ I told myself ‘she told me she wouldn’t’. There was a voice, however, in the back of my mind, that wasn’t so sure.