Every Hit, Sigh and Scream.

Heroin. A substance that controls men and the most widely known murderer in the world. Each injection of the stuff was like poison, only it makes you suffer. Jay suffers. Jay doesn’t see that he’s suffering. Richard got out before he began to suffer. Richard however saw Jay’s suffering.

Jay, has no strength this morning to drag himself out of bed, his roommate George can only watch. The user tosses onto his side, nowhere he moves is more comfortable, well it wouldn’t be if your whole body ached from the head down. A hand comes up to move the hair that has been sticking to his forehead, the cold sweat didn’t resist the harsh touch he used to shove it out the way.

He felt sick. Not the horrible feeling in his stomach but his arm. Most of the veins had collapsed and they looked thin and dead like. His eyes flick up towards George who’s sitting quietly, he knows better than to talk about it. Jay can only ever remember Richard yelling at him about it, nobody else cared enough.

-

“How stupid are you, huh?” Richard gritted his teeth after he spoke, “ Oh wait, you’re probably too fuckin’ high to answer my question.”

Jay looked away, he never had the guts to look a angry Richard in the eyes. Truthfully he knew that heroin isn’t exactly good for you but he wasn’t addicted, was he? He could stop, but not right now. Richard obviously didn’t understand what being in college meant. Try new things, meet new people and inject yourself with weird substances to have a good time.

“You don’t understand, you don’t care either,” Jay whispered the last part because he knew he was lying to himself.

“Yeah, that makes perfect sense, I don’t care. I just try and stop you because I like feeling good about myself cause I don’t have any other way to spend my time. Yep I like making sure you haven’t OD and make sure you are actually still breathing!”

“What’s going on?” George poked his head round the door of Jay’s room, the eighteen year old looked really concerned.

Richard glared deep into Jay’s soul, if he still had one. George did know but Jay, being five years older than George decided to keep him away from the harsh life. He could ruin his own life but he wouldn’t dare be the cause of George’s life going downhill. That’s what he didn’t get, he was supposedly destroying himself so why did Richard care so much, he hadn’t talked him into it or anything.

“Well…”

“I was just leaving,” Richard smiled to George, the famous line fell perfectly rehearsed from his lips.

George nodded and stood out the way as Richard walked passed him, Jay had no reason for stopping him but he did usher George away. The younger man stayed still, his eyes transfixed on the house of cards that was his room mate. Jay groaned and fell back into the covers.

“I hate him,” Jay muttered to himself more than George.

“No you don’t.” George closed the door quietly behind himself.

-

Jay reached over to his bedside table, his fingertips eagerly trying to find the familiar cold surface of the needle, a sterile one of coarse. It was there, he knew it was, he’d bought it only yesterday. His sweaty palm relaxed as it moulded perfectly against the skin of his hand, success. He gripped it and sat up at the same time.

The only hard thing now was to find a vein that hadn’t given up on him yet, a tricky task for the inexperienced. Half way up his arm, Jay caught side of the perfect spot to insert his venom. His hand shook slightly as the needle tip was brought closer to his skin, he’d done it before but the thoughts whizzing around his head made his actions slow.

Heroin. Heroin. Heroin. Relax. Heroin. Relax. Heroin.

Long breathes were needed to clear his head, or a drink of water but that could wait. Also, if George so much as seen him shooting up then he would pray to die and the younger boy had friends over, they didn’t need to see the disgrace of a man that was Jay.

Heroin. Richard. Relax. George. Richard. George. Richard.

Jay’s hands started shaking rapidly again, he couldn’t do it while thinking like this. Damn Richard and his rightness. How he hated the older man and all his words of advice. Richard tried to stop this before it got to exactly this point but Jay was too stupid to listen.

-

Jay shuffled closer to Richard, basking in the warm body heat that Richard generated. He traced a pattern slowly across the elders bare chest as a comfort and a sign of reassurance.

“I promise it was just a one time thing, heroin’s nasty shit and I’m not quite ready to go down that road,” Jay smiled into the skin of Richards upper arm, convincing both Richard and himself.

Richard ran a hand down one side of the other mans waist, “Better of been. I mean you injected it, that’s the most dangerous way to take heroin.”

“Calm it Rich, I am not going to do it again,” Jay sat up slightly and looked at Richard, “I am not a child.”

“Yeah but heroin is addictive from the first shot. Oh and coming down from the high is supposed to be like a punishment,” Richard tried to think of more bad things he knew about that dangerous drug, “And you’ll get a higher tolerance for the drug which means you will want to get high again.”

Jay had heard enough. He clambered on top of Richard and pushed him so he was lying completely flat. He smirked, “If I need your advice I’ll ask for it Doctor Dorwick.” With one fast movement, Jay pressed his lips to Richard, making the other release a small noise of surprise.

-

A loud knock at the door made Jay drop the needle and snap his head towards the source of the noise. A voice called out that belonged to George but Jay couldn’t understand what he was saying. His eyes fell to the lock which was had been broken for quite some time, how he wished George wouldn’t open the door and see him like this.

Wishes are always unanswered.

George pushed open the door, his face instantly flooding with a sickening pity that Jay hated. In a last ditch attempt to hide his doing’s from George, Jay pulled down his sleeve as quick as he could. Never did George approach Jay when he was like this, as if the addiction could be caught if he so much as breathed on him.

“I’m going out, but I can stay if you need me?”

“Do I look five!” Jay snapped at George, obviously needing his fix.

“Sorry,” George murmured backing out of the room, a horrible pained expression on his face.

Jay slapped himself. Hard. He cursed himself for making George look that way, George didn’t need to deal with his shit, not now not ever. With one hand holding his now reddened cheek , the other grabbed the needle again. Quickly he pulled up his sleeve and proceeded to finish what he started.

Before he had even administered the drug he shook even more violently and beads of sweat started to form on his neck, nothing ever stops an addict so what the hell was up? Despite already being jumpy, Jay almost fell backwards when he heard the front door open, George must have came back. This time, Jay didn’t throw the needle down, he broke it in half. By God was it the hardest thing he had ever done since becoming an addict.

Three hard knocks were placed upon Jay’s door, he knew that knock.

-

Richard knocked very hard at Jay’s door, quite clearly angry beyond belief. Jay was frightened of an angry Richard, he didn’t do anything to him but the things he says aren’t easily forgotten. Richard did not wait for Jay to open the door, he just let himself in. George, Jay’s very new roommate at the time, made a feeble attempt at keeping the infuriated man out.

“I saw you, I saw you talk to that mad Henry guy!” Richard exploded into Jay’s room with a menacing
voice.

“So, I wasn’t cheating on you….”

“No but he does happen to be a drug dealer, care to explain?”

“No.” Jay said in a guilty voice.

The tone of Jay’s voice made Richards face lighten from the red colour it had became. He took a step forward and sat on the bed, now very annoyed at himself.

“Sorry, I just care. A lot.” Richard looked down at his thumbs as he spoke, eye contact would be a silly thing to do right no, “ But you did break your promise, you said you wouldn’t do it again.”

“I know. I didn’t understand how addictive you actually meant it could be,” Jay muttered into his sleeve.

Richard turned around to face Jay, his eyes saddened also threatening tears, “Please don’t be addicted,” he croaked. He turned his full body round and crawled over to him, embracing him in a hug as soon as he was close enough. Within seconds both boys were letting tears flood from their tear ducts and losing themselves in the shallow silence.

-

“What are you doing here?” Jay spat bitterly, “Did George tell you to take care of me?”

“I’m a little late don’t you think. Jay, I’m here because I miss you,” Well if that wasn’t the biggest load of bullshit any one had ever heard.

“Sorry but the feelings not the same on my part. You can leave now,” Jay said bluntly, not wishing to expand the conversation.

Richard leaned against the wall opposite Jay’s bed, making it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere soon. Something about the way he was looking at Jay scared him, like he knew what was going on somehow. This angered Jay, he wasn’t high and he was facing a man whom he hadn’t said a word to in under two years.

“Just go Richard,” Jay’s voice had switched to begging mode.

“Why?”

“Cause I hate you.”

“What about me?”

“Everything. Your face, your voice, your attention for detail, that stupid smirk you wear on your face at all the wrong times and…..” Jay stopped himself before he could say anything else.

“And what? The fact that I care about you.”

“I haven’t seen you in ages, long distances tend to corrupt care,” Jay sneered but he had a point.
“You idiot, I don’t help you, I help George. Remember he’s the one that has to take care of you when you get too sick to stand up straight.”

In a quick motion Jay slide off his bed and stood in front of Richard, his eyes internal crimson. He pointed a finger that poked harshly into Richard’s chest. “George has nothing to do with this. You keep him out of my crap, don’t go giving him reasons to end up knee deep,” Jay hissed through his teeth.

“He was the one that asked me Jay, like it or not we both care about you.” Richard placed a hand o his own heart, “I never stopped caring, I never stopped missing you and I never stopped loving you.”

Jay shook, he didn’t want to hear another word. He pressed the heel of his hands into his eyes and his fingers grabbed and pulled at the hair they could latch themselves onto. “I hate you,” he whispered.

“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

Jay took his hands away from his face and ran them through his hair, slowly messing the already out of place strands. He breathed heavily and let out a long, shaky sigh. “ Richard, why do I love you?” Jay asked the elder man, the response he feared escaped from Richards lips.

“Don’t you mean hate.”

“No, I love you,” Jay let a few tears leak their way out before a sudden look of insanity crossed his face. “I hate you but.”

Richard was confused. Often he didn’t have any idea what people were talking about as his mind was always elsewhere but right now, he really didn’t understand. Does he love him? Does he hate him? Is he insane?

Jay fisted his right hand together, the insane expression still stuck on his face. Richard watched the hand, Jay’s movements were slow so it was easy to tell it was a sign of anger not just clenching his fist for no apparent reason. Richard was scared but it was only a human reaction to flinch away and screw his eyes, silently waiting for a punch in the face.

Richard only opened his eyes moments later when the sound of sobs and glass breaking gave him a shock. He peered round, his eyes still adjusting to the new light, then he saw Jay. The younger man was staring into one of the shards of glass from the mirror he appeared to have broken with his now blooded fist.

Jay stared and the gruesome reflection he say reflected back at him, no way was that him. He sneered once again before bring the glass closer to his face. “I hate everything about you,” whispered to the glass before tearing up. Sobs rattled through the distressed man at an alarming rate and he found himself pulling at his hair again.

“Look Richard, I destroyed what I hated most.” Jay sobbed out, slowly falling to his knees. “And I destroyed the real thing a long time ago.”

Richard winced as Jay dropped to his knees onto the broken glass, it must have hurt. He also had a feeling that what Jay hated wasn’t the mirror but himself, he sighed. Jay moved to his side and curled up tightly into himself, his mind stuck still in a cage of confusion. Richard just stood and watched the breaking man whom he loved, really there was nothing he could do.

Richard crouched down beside Jay then placed a comforting hand on his back, rubbing smooth circles into his spine. When Jay did not react, Richard slowly eased himself down so that he was lying behind him. Two arms slipped around Jay, they, although belonging to an older man made Jay’s look more weak and defenceless.

Although Jay couldn’t stop shaking and his teeth were beginning to chatter from the coolness of the floor, he felt, better. From the corner of his eyes, past Richards body he saw his bedroom door open, Georges face appeared seconds later. Even from the ground, even through teary eyes, Jay could still clearly make out the mouthed words from the young man.

“I told you that you loved him.”