The Inbetween
Chapter Ten
After six hours spent soothing Leana with his presence, she had calmed down enough to call her mother and have her come stay with her throughout the night, and Jimmy had gone back to the Inbetween to mull over everything that had happened. Today had been beyond a shock to him; it made him feel like a failure, and he hated that.
He hated that Leana blamed him for where she was now, even though he knew that in her heart, she didn’t blame him. The words had felt like a knife cutting in to him, and he wanted nothing more than to forget that they had been spoken. He didn’t know it was possible to love someone so much, even after he was dead. It took a whole new meaning to the term “forever love.” He truly loved Leana, whether or not he was with her in his physical form.
He also couldn’t forget the words he’d seen written on the piece of paper she’d had on the coffee table. She was pregnant, and he knew that it had to have been with his child. Though he didn’t know how long he’d been dead, or how long he’d been in the Inbetween, there was a feeling in his gut that it was his child. He needed to make sure at all costs that Leana and the baby were safe, but right now, he just didn’t know how he could do that.
It pissed him off now, that he had died. He wanted to lash out at someone; to scream and kick and cry. He wanted to just let go of all his emotions. He wanted to let everything all hang out, and to just get rid of all the hurt and the pain he was holding in his heart, but in a place like this, it was impossible. In the Inbetween, there were no punching bags. There was no violence, period. He began to see the irony that made up where he was at right now, and he couldn’t help but wonder if this was really more of a punishment for his earthly sins than a way to help lost souls.
This place was more like Hell to Jimmy than any place he’d ever been when he’d been alive, and he’d never imagined that a place that was supposed to be peaceful could be so full of loneliness and angst. He hated being here; he loathed his very existence, and he almost wished that he’d actually ended up in Hell rather than here. At least then, he thought bitterly to himself, he wouldn’t be the only one suffering.
He knew it was a dangerous way of thinking, and he knew that it would more than likely get him in trouble. But right now, he just didn’t fucking care. Everything that he cared about had been taken away from him, and he had nothing left to live for or care for. If he was physically able right now, he knew he’d off himself. But alas, he was dead, and he knew that it wasn’t an option.
“Why am I stuck here?” He yelled out, looking up at the sky angrily, feeling tears forming in his eyes before he kicked the tree that led to Earth. “Why can’t you just fucking take me there or leave me in Hell? Why am I here?”
He screamed out and then started punching the tree as hard as he could, never once stopping. Faith had been taken from him, and not just the girl who’d helped him here. He felt faithless and hopeless that there was a God who was honestly merciful and caring. He felt like, if God did exist, he was cruel and was laughing at him.
He punched the tree until the bark started peeling off and his knuckles had started bleeding, and then screamed in frustration when both the tree and his wounds started to heal themselves. He believed it to be a sign of God finding humor in his situation, and he wished that he could find Him and have it out with Him.
He’d been angry at God before, but never to this extent. He had been angry when his friends had been arrested, or when a show didn’t go the way he’d envisioned that it would. He’d been mad at God when his grandparents had died, and he’d been mad at God when the World Trade Centers got blown up. But none of that compared to the anger and rage he was feeling right now. None of it compared to the blackness that was starting to consume him.
He hated this. He hated every bit of it, and he couldn’t believe he’d ever thought it was a good place to be. He couldn’t believe he’d ever thought that he’d end up in Heaven, or that he was going to be faced with a merciful, loving God with arms held wide open. It wasn’t like it was in the Sunday school classes that his parents had forced him to attend when he was a little kid.
“Jimmy.”
Jimmy felt a scowl form on his face as he turned his head expecting to see Jared standing there, but was immediately taken aback when he saw that it was a much different person. Instead of seeing the meek, small body of a fourteen-year-old angel, he saw a man about his height, wearing robes of white. His hair was long and light blonde, and he had a sense of glowing around him.
“Who the hell are you?” He asked in an angry voice, wondering who had come to see him writhing in pain. He hated the fact that every time he let his negative emotions show while he was here, someone seemed to come and tell him it wasn’t right. He didn’t give a fuck if it wasn’t right anymore. What wasn’t right was the fact that he was dead, Faith had been taken from him, Leana was depressed, and his unborn child would never know his father. To Jimmy, that was far more wrong than what he was doing.
The man grimaced, as though Jimmy’s language repulsed him, and then spoke after a few moments, still having a very luminescent feel about him. “I am Gabriel, an angel of the Lord your God.”
“He’s no God of mine right now,” Jimmy snapped, narrowing his eyes at the angel. He distantly remembered hearing the name before, from the Bible passages that his father had read him when he was younger, but Gabriel’s name meant nothing to him. None of this meant anything to him, if he were completely honest with himself. He wanted to knock the man out, but he had a feeling that this angel, whoever he was, would be able to thwart him if he did, so he didn’t even try. And even if he was bitter, he wasn’t stupid enough to attempt to hit an angel who obviously wielded a lot of power in Heaven.
“It’s perfectly alright to be angry with God, Jimmy,” the angel spoke softly. “But you must remember not to take His name in vain, and not to do harm to His name.”
“Sticks and stones,” Jimmy rolled his eyes before he narrowed his eyes at the Angel. “I don’t give a fuck if he’s mad at me. What, are you here to chastise me like I’m some little kid or something? Tell him I want out of here!”
“He hears your concerns, Jimmy. They do not fall upon deaf ears,” Gabriel spoke again before he sighed. “And as far as sticks and stones are concerned, it’s not God you should be worried about hurting. It’s you.”
“He can’t hurt me more than he already has.”
Jimmy knew that his words came off as slightly sardonic, and more than bitter, but he didn’t care. He sighed and turned to look at Gabriel again, who had a pained look on his face. Jimmy felt bad that the angel had to be subjected to his anger, but he wasn’t going to stop being angry just because God had sent him here. The only thing that would make things right was if he was either with Leana again, or if he was with Faith. He couldn’t be stuck between them; he couldn’t be stuck here in the Inbetween and be happy.
“You need to find faith again, Jimmy. You need to find it in your heart before she can return to you.”
Jimmy opened his mouth to say something, but before he could speak, Gabriel disappeared again, leaving a piece of paper at his feet. He sighed and walked over to it, picking it up to see letters scrawled in fancy script. His eyes started scanning over the words, and they widened at what was written.
“How you are fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How you are cut down to the ground, you who weakened the nations! For you have said it in your heart: I will ascend into Heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God; I will also sit on the mount of congregation on the farthest sides of the north; I will ascend above the heights of the clouds, I will be like the most high. yet you shall be brought down to Sheol, to the lowest depths of the Pit.
Jimmy gasped and allowed the slip of paper to drop to the ground before he stepped back from it, wondering what in the hell it meant. He knew he’d read the passage again; it was from the Book of Isaiah, a part of the Bible that his father had read to him often as a child, trying to ingrain in him the sense that he needed to be a man of God. After Jimmy had picked up his first set of drum sticks, and his parents had bought his first kit for him, the Bible had practically disappeared out of his life, and he’d never given much thought to Heaven and Hell, unless it was the band.
He knew this passage was a warning to him, and it scared the shit out of him. He didn’t think he was trying to be God; he wasn’t like Lucifer. He remembered Gabriel’s words; that it was alright to be angry at God. He didn’t even know if this was what he wanted anymore. Maybe he didn’t deserve to be in the Inbetween. Maybe he didn’t deserve a place in Heaven.
Maybe he deserved to be in Hell, after all. He’d done a lot of sick shit in his life, and he knew that some of it had most definitely been insulting to God’s name. He’d committed every sin except for murder and adultery on his wife; if there was a sin to be committed, Jimmy had found it. He’d partaken in drugs, sex, and alcohol. He’d slept around, he’d hurt people, and he’d felt like he was on top of the world when he’d been with Avenged Sevenfold. When he’d been alive, he didn’t think any of it mattered. He’d had a good heart, and he knew that.
But was it enough to save him? Was his heart, and the fact that he had never meant to hurt some of the people he had, enough to earn him a place in Heaven? Jimmy hated to think it to himself, but he doubted it. All his life, he’d turned his back on God. What was stopping Him from turning his back on Jimmy now?
He sighed, taking a shaky breath as he sat down on the grass, looking down through the clouds at his family. Leana was sitting on the couch watching the TV, and she looked absolutely broken. He hated to see her there looking so alone, and he knew that he had to try and do something to fix it. He was already on God’s shit list right now; he needed to at least try to make things right with Leana, even if it landed him in Hell.
He started to descend towards Earth, and the only thing he could think of was Gabriel’s last words, ringing through his head like a broken record: You need to find faith again, Jimmy. You need to find it in your heart before she can return to you.
He hated that Leana blamed him for where she was now, even though he knew that in her heart, she didn’t blame him. The words had felt like a knife cutting in to him, and he wanted nothing more than to forget that they had been spoken. He didn’t know it was possible to love someone so much, even after he was dead. It took a whole new meaning to the term “forever love.” He truly loved Leana, whether or not he was with her in his physical form.
He also couldn’t forget the words he’d seen written on the piece of paper she’d had on the coffee table. She was pregnant, and he knew that it had to have been with his child. Though he didn’t know how long he’d been dead, or how long he’d been in the Inbetween, there was a feeling in his gut that it was his child. He needed to make sure at all costs that Leana and the baby were safe, but right now, he just didn’t know how he could do that.
It pissed him off now, that he had died. He wanted to lash out at someone; to scream and kick and cry. He wanted to just let go of all his emotions. He wanted to let everything all hang out, and to just get rid of all the hurt and the pain he was holding in his heart, but in a place like this, it was impossible. In the Inbetween, there were no punching bags. There was no violence, period. He began to see the irony that made up where he was at right now, and he couldn’t help but wonder if this was really more of a punishment for his earthly sins than a way to help lost souls.
This place was more like Hell to Jimmy than any place he’d ever been when he’d been alive, and he’d never imagined that a place that was supposed to be peaceful could be so full of loneliness and angst. He hated being here; he loathed his very existence, and he almost wished that he’d actually ended up in Hell rather than here. At least then, he thought bitterly to himself, he wouldn’t be the only one suffering.
He knew it was a dangerous way of thinking, and he knew that it would more than likely get him in trouble. But right now, he just didn’t fucking care. Everything that he cared about had been taken away from him, and he had nothing left to live for or care for. If he was physically able right now, he knew he’d off himself. But alas, he was dead, and he knew that it wasn’t an option.
“Why am I stuck here?” He yelled out, looking up at the sky angrily, feeling tears forming in his eyes before he kicked the tree that led to Earth. “Why can’t you just fucking take me there or leave me in Hell? Why am I here?”
He screamed out and then started punching the tree as hard as he could, never once stopping. Faith had been taken from him, and not just the girl who’d helped him here. He felt faithless and hopeless that there was a God who was honestly merciful and caring. He felt like, if God did exist, he was cruel and was laughing at him.
He punched the tree until the bark started peeling off and his knuckles had started bleeding, and then screamed in frustration when both the tree and his wounds started to heal themselves. He believed it to be a sign of God finding humor in his situation, and he wished that he could find Him and have it out with Him.
He’d been angry at God before, but never to this extent. He had been angry when his friends had been arrested, or when a show didn’t go the way he’d envisioned that it would. He’d been mad at God when his grandparents had died, and he’d been mad at God when the World Trade Centers got blown up. But none of that compared to the anger and rage he was feeling right now. None of it compared to the blackness that was starting to consume him.
He hated this. He hated every bit of it, and he couldn’t believe he’d ever thought it was a good place to be. He couldn’t believe he’d ever thought that he’d end up in Heaven, or that he was going to be faced with a merciful, loving God with arms held wide open. It wasn’t like it was in the Sunday school classes that his parents had forced him to attend when he was a little kid.
“Jimmy.”
Jimmy felt a scowl form on his face as he turned his head expecting to see Jared standing there, but was immediately taken aback when he saw that it was a much different person. Instead of seeing the meek, small body of a fourteen-year-old angel, he saw a man about his height, wearing robes of white. His hair was long and light blonde, and he had a sense of glowing around him.
“Who the hell are you?” He asked in an angry voice, wondering who had come to see him writhing in pain. He hated the fact that every time he let his negative emotions show while he was here, someone seemed to come and tell him it wasn’t right. He didn’t give a fuck if it wasn’t right anymore. What wasn’t right was the fact that he was dead, Faith had been taken from him, Leana was depressed, and his unborn child would never know his father. To Jimmy, that was far more wrong than what he was doing.
The man grimaced, as though Jimmy’s language repulsed him, and then spoke after a few moments, still having a very luminescent feel about him. “I am Gabriel, an angel of the Lord your God.”
“He’s no God of mine right now,” Jimmy snapped, narrowing his eyes at the angel. He distantly remembered hearing the name before, from the Bible passages that his father had read him when he was younger, but Gabriel’s name meant nothing to him. None of this meant anything to him, if he were completely honest with himself. He wanted to knock the man out, but he had a feeling that this angel, whoever he was, would be able to thwart him if he did, so he didn’t even try. And even if he was bitter, he wasn’t stupid enough to attempt to hit an angel who obviously wielded a lot of power in Heaven.
“It’s perfectly alright to be angry with God, Jimmy,” the angel spoke softly. “But you must remember not to take His name in vain, and not to do harm to His name.”
“Sticks and stones,” Jimmy rolled his eyes before he narrowed his eyes at the Angel. “I don’t give a fuck if he’s mad at me. What, are you here to chastise me like I’m some little kid or something? Tell him I want out of here!”
“He hears your concerns, Jimmy. They do not fall upon deaf ears,” Gabriel spoke again before he sighed. “And as far as sticks and stones are concerned, it’s not God you should be worried about hurting. It’s you.”
“He can’t hurt me more than he already has.”
Jimmy knew that his words came off as slightly sardonic, and more than bitter, but he didn’t care. He sighed and turned to look at Gabriel again, who had a pained look on his face. Jimmy felt bad that the angel had to be subjected to his anger, but he wasn’t going to stop being angry just because God had sent him here. The only thing that would make things right was if he was either with Leana again, or if he was with Faith. He couldn’t be stuck between them; he couldn’t be stuck here in the Inbetween and be happy.
“You need to find faith again, Jimmy. You need to find it in your heart before she can return to you.”
Jimmy opened his mouth to say something, but before he could speak, Gabriel disappeared again, leaving a piece of paper at his feet. He sighed and walked over to it, picking it up to see letters scrawled in fancy script. His eyes started scanning over the words, and they widened at what was written.
“How you are fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How you are cut down to the ground, you who weakened the nations! For you have said it in your heart: I will ascend into Heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God; I will also sit on the mount of congregation on the farthest sides of the north; I will ascend above the heights of the clouds, I will be like the most high. yet you shall be brought down to Sheol, to the lowest depths of the Pit.
Jimmy gasped and allowed the slip of paper to drop to the ground before he stepped back from it, wondering what in the hell it meant. He knew he’d read the passage again; it was from the Book of Isaiah, a part of the Bible that his father had read to him often as a child, trying to ingrain in him the sense that he needed to be a man of God. After Jimmy had picked up his first set of drum sticks, and his parents had bought his first kit for him, the Bible had practically disappeared out of his life, and he’d never given much thought to Heaven and Hell, unless it was the band.
He knew this passage was a warning to him, and it scared the shit out of him. He didn’t think he was trying to be God; he wasn’t like Lucifer. He remembered Gabriel’s words; that it was alright to be angry at God. He didn’t even know if this was what he wanted anymore. Maybe he didn’t deserve to be in the Inbetween. Maybe he didn’t deserve a place in Heaven.
Maybe he deserved to be in Hell, after all. He’d done a lot of sick shit in his life, and he knew that some of it had most definitely been insulting to God’s name. He’d committed every sin except for murder and adultery on his wife; if there was a sin to be committed, Jimmy had found it. He’d partaken in drugs, sex, and alcohol. He’d slept around, he’d hurt people, and he’d felt like he was on top of the world when he’d been with Avenged Sevenfold. When he’d been alive, he didn’t think any of it mattered. He’d had a good heart, and he knew that.
But was it enough to save him? Was his heart, and the fact that he had never meant to hurt some of the people he had, enough to earn him a place in Heaven? Jimmy hated to think it to himself, but he doubted it. All his life, he’d turned his back on God. What was stopping Him from turning his back on Jimmy now?
He sighed, taking a shaky breath as he sat down on the grass, looking down through the clouds at his family. Leana was sitting on the couch watching the TV, and she looked absolutely broken. He hated to see her there looking so alone, and he knew that he had to try and do something to fix it. He was already on God’s shit list right now; he needed to at least try to make things right with Leana, even if it landed him in Hell.
He started to descend towards Earth, and the only thing he could think of was Gabriel’s last words, ringing through his head like a broken record: You need to find faith again, Jimmy. You need to find it in your heart before she can return to you.