The Inbetween

Leana sighed as she looked through the windshield of her parked car up at the sign that advertised the small, compact building as the Her Choice Medical Clinic. She felt a pang in her heart even just looking at the building before she looked down at her stomach, rubbing the swollen skin softly before she looked back up at the sign.

It was an abortion clinic, and right now, it seemed like her only option. She and Jimmy hadn’t talked about having a family when he’d died so abruptly; she wasn’t ready to be a mother—a single one at that. She knew that having this abortion was wrong, but it was what she had to do. No one else knew she was pregnant, and she needed to keep it that way.

She was already four months along, and she was going to start showing soon. It would be too late by then, and she couldn’t risk it being known. She felt a few more teardrops fall out of her eyes as she turned the car off, grabbing her purse and walking towards the front doors of the building.

Once she stepped inside, she couldn’t help but feel even worse about everything. The entire atmosphere was cold and sterile, with no warmth. The walls were painted a standard crème color, the floor a stained concrete. The windows had simple white curtains, and there was a row of maroon colored chairs, most of which were occupied by girls who looked no older than seventeen at best.

“Can I help you, miss?” A woman’s voice said from the front desk. Leana pulled herself out of her thoughts long enough to look up, seeing an elderly woman with a painted on smile. She gulped, unsure of whether or not she could really do this.

“I’m…” She started, at a loss for how to start. How did you tell someone you wanted them to kill your baby? It didn’t seem like something she could say at all, and yet, she knew she needed to. “I need to..”

“It’s alright, sweetie,” the woman nodded matronly before handing over a clipboard with some paperwork. “Your number is on the top, when we call that you’ll be taken to the back room so we can determine whether or not you’re under term so that it can be done. While you’re waiting, please fill out the paperwork with all of your information.”

Leana nodded, feeling more tears start slipping out of her eyes as she walked over to one of the empty chairs, sitting own and feeling like a ton of bricks had just come down on her slender shoulders. She felt so terrible for being here; she felt as if she was a murderer. She knew Jimmy would never let her do something like this and yet…she knew she didn’t have a choice. He wasn’t here, and she couldn’t do this on her own; not without him. It would be too hard, and she just couldn’t imagine raising their child without him there by her side to teach him or her all the things he’d learned in life.

She groaned as she started filling out the questions, giving her date of birth, the approximate date she’d become pregnant, her name, social security number, and her current residency. The hardest question, however, was question number five.

Father’s Name:

She shakily wrote out his name and felt another pang in her chest. How could she do this to their child? The baby hadn’t asked to be born under these circumstances, and Leana knew that. If anything, she should view this as Jimmy’s last gift to her. He’d given her a piece of him. Why was she throwing that away?

Because you can’t do this without him, Leana, she reminded herself mentally. You’re under thirty, unemployed, and you’re pregnant. You can’t be a single mother. It’s not possible. This is what’s best. He’ll take care of the baby.

She quickly filled out the rest of the questions before she could convince herself not to do this and then waited nervously for her number to be called. It seemed to take forever before her number was finally called. She stood on two shaky legs as she started to make her way towards the counter, handing over her paperwork before she gave the two hundred and fifty dollars that it cost to terminate her pregnancy.

Was Jimmy’s child really only worth that in the eyes of the state? Was that all any unborn child was worth? Leana didn’t think so. She knew this baby was priceless; that it should be something she was excited about and happy for. And yet, she paid the woman anyway before being led into the back room. The nurse had her sit down on the bench after changing into a hospital gown, and she sighed and took a nervous breath, waiting for the doctor to walk into the room.

A few moments later, the door opened and she looked up to see a blonde woman about the age of her mother, a warm smile on her face. For the first time, Leana felt some kind of good feeling here.

“I would ask how you’re doing today, but I can’t imagine that you’re feeling good,” the woman said with a sympathetic smile before she cleared her throat as she looked at the clipboard, frowning when she saw that the father’s signature wasn’t written down as well.

“Where is the father?” The doctor asked curiously. “There are a few exceptions to the rule, but…if you know who he is, we need to know so we can get permission to carry on with the termination.”

“He’s dead,” Leana whispered, feeling her heart break even more as she spoke those two words. The doctor’s face immediately fell again before the sympathetic smile returned.

“I see,” the doctor said. “And the reason for the termination?”

“I can’t do this,” Leana whispered, shaking her head. “I can’t be a mother…not without him. Please, doctor, you…you have to understand.”

“I do,” the doctor nodded before she cleared her throat. “But I’m afraid he might not. I can see how much you loved him, Ms. McFadden. Why don’t you take a few more minutes to think about this? It’s a more life-changing situation than most.”

Leana took a deep breath before she nodded, watching as the doctor left her alone for a few minutes. She groaned and leaned back against the bench, putting her hand against her stomach once again.

She needed to do this, she told herself. She needed to because it was what was best for both her and the baby. No child liked growing up without a father, and Leana didn’t want to have to put her child through that.

She was just about to get up and tell the doctor that she was ready, even though she wasn’t, when she felt someone’s hands on her shoulders. Her breath hitched in her throat when she remembered the way Jimmy used to do that any time she was unsure about something or nervous.

Its okay, Leana. You can do this. Please, don’t get the abortion.

She lifted her head immediately, looking around. She couldn’t have heard his voice; couldn’t have heard him say what she’d thought she’d just heard. Jimmy was dead, and she didn’t believe in ghosts.

“I have to,” she whispered, feeling crazy even as she said the words. “I have to for the baby. It’s what’s—”

“Don’t do this, Leana. Please.”

The second time she heard his voice was enough for Leana to decide that she had been wrong in coming to the Her Choice Medical Clinic. Even if she didn’t think that Jimmy had really spoken to her, she knew that it wasn’t right in her heart. She couldn’t kill something Jimmy had had a hand in creating.

She got up without saying a word, shredding her papers before she grabbed her purse to leave the clinic. Leaving felt better than she’d thought it would, and she let out a breath of relief once she got to her car. She hated that she’d even thought about killing the baby, but it was in the past now. All she needed to concentrate on now was having this baby and moving on with her life. She’d figure it all out in time, and she had a feeling that this baby—the baby she had almost killed—would help her.