The Inbetween

Jimmy couldn’t believe how close Leana had come to terminating the pregnancy—how close she had come to killing the baby they had created together. He didn’t understand why she had thought that killing Hope would make things any easier for her. Didn’t she know that he was there helping her as much as he could? Didn’t she realize that he was trying to be there for her? Or was his presence unknown?

It truly upset him to know that his daughter had almost been killed. He’d been doing everything he could to take care of her. He spent his every moment with her, making sure that he created a bond with her in hopes that somehow, she’d remember him when she got older after she was born on Earth. He didn’t know if it was possible for him to leave an impression on her soul, but he wanted to try. She was his daughter; his only child and he loved her with everything he had. He didn’t want anything to happen to her.

He knew that it was hard for Leana to even think about being a single mother with their child, but it still made no sense to him why she would abort their child. He wasn’t angry with her, per say, but he was definitely upset. He had thought she’d be thrilled about carrying his baby; that she’d want this as much as he did. How had he been so wrong?

He knew there was nothing more he could do, however. He had watched as Leana had left the abortion clinic with relief, but now it was up to her. She seemed to have been feeling better, and she seemed to have heard him begging with her not to kill Hope. He didn’t know how she’d heard him, but she must have. She hadn’t killed his child, so wasn’t that proof that she’d felt his presence; heard his voice in her ear pleading with her not to take his only chance to be a father away from him.

He breathed out in relief when he watched her driving home carefully, making sure that she stopped at yellow lights and that her seatbelt was securely fastened. She realized that this baby was special, and no matter how close she had come to killing the baby girl, she was going to try now to keep it safe. That was good enough for Jimmy for now, he thought to himself.

He heard Hope gurgling in his arms, and he chuckled as he looked down at the sleeping infant to see her writhing around, her eyes wide open and staring up at him with such wonder and curiosity that it nearly knocked him off his feet.

“You know Daddy loves you, don’t you?” He asked her quietly, knowing that the little girl couldn’t answer him. He let her wrap her stubby hand around his finger, slobber falling out of her mouth as she gave him a happy grin.

He smile in spite of himself when he watched her put his finger into her mouth, sucking on it for a few moments and getting her slobber all over it before she let go of him. He wiped his hand off on his jeans before he leaned over, pressing his lips softly against her forehead. He was so glad that he had this opportunity to get closer to her. He loved her, and he knew that it was definitely a good thing to have her here with him for the time being. He knew it was going to be hard to let go of her when she was born, but he knew that he’d be able to do it.

He looked down to see Leana walking through the front door, holding her slightly swollen stomach as she did so before she closed the front door and locked it behind herself. She pushed her hand back through her hair and then walked into the bedroom, lying down before she rolled over so that she was facing Jimmy’s side of the mattress.

He knew that she had an emptiness in his heart because he felt it too. He might have grown to care about Faith in the same way one might consider earthly love to be, but he knew that the love of his life was still down on Earth, suffering through her existence without him by her side. She loved him as much as he had loved her, and it hurt knowing that he couldn’t be there for her.

“I miss you,” she breathed out, grabbing his pillow and clutching it tightly to her chest before she felt tears falling out of her eyes. “I love you so much, Jimmy. Why’d you have to leave?”

It was a question she asked him often, and it was a question he still didn’t have an answer to. He didn’t know how it had happened. One day, he had been so full of life and looking forward to living the rest of his life with Leana right there by his side. The next day, he’d woken up in the Inbetween without here there, finding out that he was dead.

He watched as she cried for awhile. He felt his heartstrings tugging for her, and tears started to prick the corners of his eyes. He didn’t want to let her cry like that, he thought to himself. He wanted to be there for her and hug her; hold her in his arms like he used to and kiss her forehead to let her know that everything was going to be alright.

“You’re going to be a Dad, you know,” she told him, though she didn’t know that he could hear her. “I hope it’s a little boy and that he looks just like you, Jimmy.”

He felt his heart break even more, knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to get that wish. Hope was most definitely a little girl, and she wasn’t going to be changing. He felt the little baby tugging at his finger again and he breathed out before closing his eyes, knowing that he needed to emotionally detach himself again.

The bottom line was that he’d never be able to be there for Leana in the ways that she needed him. He’d never be able to hold her hand or help change the diapers of their children. He wouldn’t be able to keep her safe at night while their family was sleeping. There would be no more tours that she joined him on; no more videos for her to be in. He didn’t want her to be away from him, but it wasn’t something he could help. They were worlds apart right now and he couldn’t join her, just the same as she couldn’t join him.

“I want you to know that I love you still,” Leana breathed out into his pillow, her tears still soaking into the soft piece of comfort. He was almost able to imagine reaching down and wiping the tears off of her face, but he knew he couldn’t do that right now—that he’d never be able to do it again.

He watched as she cried herself to sleep, feeling his heart breaking as he watched her do it. He missed her, he thought to himself. He always would. He might be confused about who his soul mate was, but he loved Leana without a doubt. He may feel strongly about Faith, but his heart was with Leana. And it broke his heart to know that he wasn’t there with her tonight while she slept.

He did nothing else as he sat there underneath of the tree, holding Hope in his arms. The little baby had settled down by this point, her eyes fluttering closed and her hold on his hand relaxing as she fell asleep. He smiled when he looked down at her in his arms, knowing that she felt safe if she was allowing herself to sleep in his arms. It broke his heart to know he’d never get this opportunity again. He only had five short months with her; twenty weeks. She would be born then, and live the rest of her life with her mother. He wondered if she’d remember this time in the Inbetween with him, or if it wouldn’t even matter to her once she was old enough to remember things. In the end, he knew that it didn’t really mean anything either way. Even if Hope remembered him, she wouldn’t be able to be there with him; to talk to him. And from what he understood, if he left the Inbetween to go to Heaven, he wouldn’t be able to see her, either. They’d be completely separated until whenever she died—God forbid that actually ever happen, he thought darkly. But for now, he was content with just being able to hold her in his arms and watch her soul mature and grow until she was ready to be born into her physical body.