The Inbetween

The next month that passed by went quickly for Leana. She got a lot accomplished and she was proud of herself, though the feeling of emptiness that she felt because of Jimmy’s absence in her life was definitely something she couldn’t ignore. Every day, she healed a little bit. She became stronger and even though she hated to admit it to herself, the memories became just a little more blurred, like the old photographs of her parents that were sometimes hard to pick out who was who.

She still missed Jimmy, and she wanted him back, but she knew that couldn’t happen. And so she allowed life to go on without him. She still kept photos up of him in the house, though not nearly as many as there once had been. She’d begun to either store his items in boxes in the attic or take them to his parents’ home. She still couldn’t bear to sell anything or donate any of his belongings to goodwill, even though she knew that he probably would have wanted his clothes to go to people who needed them.

She had also cleared out the room that had once been his studio so that it could be turned into a nursery. She had toyed with the idea of selling the house that she and Jimmy had lived in, especially since it was a place so full of many happy memories. It was also the house he’d died in, and for awhile, she hadn’t been certain she could live in the same home he’d left her alone in. But she had decided that it was the place that she needed to raise their child. It had been Jimmy’s home, and she wouldn’t have felt right selling it.

She’d given all of the things in the studio to the rest of the guys and she’d also let them pick whatever else they wanted of his belongings to take home with them. They had lost a brother when Jimmy had died, and even though she and they had never been close, she knew their pain, perhaps better than anyone else. They had all loved Jimmy and though they didn’t talk often, they still understood one another.

After clearing out the studio, she had done it up into a nice little nursery for the baby. The crib had been assembled by her father and Jimmy’s father, and their friend Cam had offered to paint a mural on the wall for the baby as well as paint the rest of the walls so that it was something that would be fitting for the baby. All she had left to do was buy some clothes and other little decorations for the room, though she knew that a lot of that would come at the baby shower a little later on in her pregnancy.

Even though she had stayed busy, however, it had been hard. It was so very hard staying in the house alone, especially when she passed by the chair that Jimmy had been napping in when he’d slipped into death. She still couldn’t bring herself to use the chair; nor could she sell it. It was like it was a forbidden object in the house; something that could be neither used nor gotten rid of. So it simply sat there, gathering dust and serving as a reminder of the life she used to have with him.

Every now and again, she felt his presence there with her, though it was nothing major. She almost wished she could see him, though she was grateful that she couldn’t. Seeing his face in anything more than an old photograph or home video might be too much and she knew she wouldn’t be able to handle seeing his ghost, if such things existed.

Leana had also begun seeing a psychiatrist. It wasn’t because she was depressed or because she was suicidal; it was because she knew that without one, she wouldn’t be capable of moving on in life. Until she’d started talking to the doctor, she hadn’t been able to sleep through the night without waking up screaming his name. The psychiatrist had given her pills for the first couple of weeks, though she was soon scheduled to stop taking them. She was hoping that for the first time since Jimmy had died, she’d be able to sleep soundly through the night without imagining his death or the thoughts that may have been running through his head in the brief moments he’d passed into the next life.

She’d spent a lot more time with his parents, too. She’d stayed true to her words and as they had requested, she’d gone to see Barbara and James at least once a week. She kept them updated on the pregnancy and once or twice, Barbara had accompanied her to the doctor’s office. She’d given them a copy of the ultrasound and she’d told them the names she was thinking about if it were a little girl or if it was a little boy.

If she had a boy, of course she was going to name him James Owen. She thought it only fitting that their son carry his name, especially under the given circumstances. She knew that it would be hard to name their son that, but it was the only name she would feel right giving a little boy were she to have one.

As for a little girl, the name Hope had come to her. She wasn’t certain what a middle name would be yet, but she knew that the first name, at least, was set in stone. She wasn’t sure where the name had come from or why it stuck so firmly to her, but she knew that if something like that happened it was for a reason. Perhaps it was Jimmy telling her something from the other side or perhaps it was simply a way for her to find hope in moving on in life after this baby was born. Either way, it was the name she’d chosen for a little girl.

All Leana wanted now was to go throughout the next four months of her pregnancy without anything bad happening to her. She could deal with the physical problems that came with pregnancy such as the back aches and the way her legs would often get sore, and she could handle the strange food cravings that she got. But if one more tragedy happened to her before this baby was born or immediately after, she didn’t think she’d be able to pull through. And God forbid something happen to the unborn child.

She honestly had no idea what she’d do if this baby was harmed in any way before it had a chance to live. In Leana’s mind, this child was her last bit of Jimmy that she could hold on to. This baby was her way of keeping him alive, even if it was just a secondary way of doing so. She already knew Jimmy would have been thrilled to have this baby and she’d be damned if she let anything happen to him or her.

For now, however, she wasn’t going to think about any of that. She wasn’t going to think of Jimmy and she wasn’t going to allow herself to think of anything that could go wrong with the pregnancy. Such things would only stress her out and she didn’t want that, either; it could harm the baby and she was trying to avoid that. So now what she was going to do was rest.

It was something she hadn’t done in a hell of a long time. In fact, she’d forgotten what it was like to truly just sit and let relaxation take over. Her mind was reeling almost all day long, whether it be thoughts of Jimmy or worries about the baby. But today, she wasn’t going to do that. Today was her day to let all of that wash away from her so that she could worry about destressing and taking care of herself.

She had scheduled a day at the spa. She knew it was something that would get people talking if they found out, but she quite frankly didn’t give a damn. None of those people were her; they didn’t know what she’d gone through in the last few months and they sure as hell didn’t know what her life was like right now. She needed this and it would help her to relax.

All she could hope for was that the day went smoothly. She was taking Michelle Haner with her and she was hoping that that would ease whatever tensions might arise. Michelle had been one of the girls she’d gotten along with most when Jimmy had been alive and touring with the band, and she knew that if anyone could help her relax today, it was the blonde woman.