The Inbetween

Time was flying much faster than Jimmy had ever thought possible, he thought to himself sadly as he sat watching Leana have a day to herself with some friends. Another month had passed and Hope was now only four months from being born. She'd been growing so much; it was so amazing for him to be able to watch his daughter transform in front of him. She was no longer just a fragile little seedling, even though a part of him would always see her as that. She was starting to become a beautiful young soul, and he knew that when she was born, the world would be gaining one hell of a human being.

But letting go of Hope also meant that he'd have to let go of Leana, his parents, and everyone else he'd loved when he'd been alive. He would need to find it in his heart to let go of them so that they could move on. It was almost ironic, in a way. Back when he'd been alive, everyone had thought him to be a genius. But in reality, he didn't think he ever had been. In fact, he knew less than he'd ever thought he did before. The thought had never occurred to him that death could be a two-way street for both the living and the dead.

He had never thought that in order for one to let go, the other had to move on as well. He'd always thought that it was just the living that needed to let go. He'd always felt as though if a living person held on to the memories and the essence of someone who'd died, it was the deceased who was trapped, wanting to move on. But he was finding that that wasn't the case at all. He knew it wasn't, because he was still here, desperately clinging on to any part of them that he could. Letting go would mean that he would truly be admitting to himself that he was dead. Letting go meant that he was truly going to be gone from them; that they'd be gone from him. Gone. It truly was the saddest word in any language. No matter what way you put it, he thought to himself, it meant that things were different.

He sighed and pushed his hand back through his hair before he shook his head, not allowing the tears to slip out of his eyes as he watched Leana have a sort of breakdown over his death. She'd had several over the course of her pregnancy; of course, it was to be expected. But it still broke his heart every time she poured her heart and feelings to him from down there. It nearly killed him twice over to see her in so much pain, knowing he couldn't do anything to make her feel better.

He looked down at Hope again with a small smile on his face. He might not be able to make Leana feel better, he thought to himself, and he might not be able to take away her pain, but he knew that Hope could. This little baby was going to bring a light into her life that she'd never felt before. This baby was going to make her realize that life was so much more than just hanging on to the remnants of a life that had passed her by.

"You're gonna save her," Jimmy murmured softly as he looked down at his daughter, allowing her to grab tightly on to one of his fingers, holding on for dear life. He smiled and then chuckled before he let one of his hands touch the back of her head. He was so glad that she was here with him. He was glad he'd been given the chance and the opportunity to get to know her.

The baby, of course, didn't say a word. He put a small smile on his face as he leaned back against the tree before he closed his eyes. He was remembering all good memories he'd had with Leana. She'd been the light of her life; she truly had been. He'd always felt like he was a far better person whenever she was there with him. She'd always made him feel as thought the world was a better place when he was there.

And that was the hard part about all of this, he thought to himself. The hard part was knowing that he needed to let go of that light in the hopes of finding another. As long as he stayed here in this place, clinging to a life that was no longer his, he would be holding her back. He couldn't keep doing that to her. He needed these next four months with his daughter, but after that...He knew that he needed to let go of Leana. Someday, maybe, he'd see her again. In fact, he knew he would. Heaven was definitely where she would be going when she died, but Jimmy hoped like Hell that God didn't have it in his design for her to die any time soon. Their daughter needed at least one of her parents.

He felt Hope squeeze his finger tightly and then he grinned when she gurgled a little, making wet little baby sounds. It was those sounds that lit up his day now. It was because of her that he was able to even think about moving on without Leana. He knew that while he couldn't be with Leana right now, their daughter could be and that she was going to take care of her mother. This baby was going to be everything that Leana needed and more. This baby girl was going to save her from a fate Jimmy didn't even have the heart to think about.

He closed his eyes and allowed himself to doze a little bit, his hands still holding Hope tightly to his body for fear of dropping her and hurting her. He dreamt of things of no importance, really. He'd always had strange dreams and this was no exception. He dreamt of the time he'd broken his arm in defense of Leana and Johnny. He'd never really been scared in his life, but that night, fear had found a place in his heart. He'd been so terrified of losing Leana that night; of losing one of his best friends. He'd never even thought twice about putting himself in their position to keep them safe. It had resulted in a broken arm, but he didn't give a fuck about that. He'd kept his friends and the love of his life safe.

He wondered if Leana remembered that night. She'd been so angry with him, he recalled. She'd been angry because she'd been terrified that he was going to get hurt. He had laughed at her, if he remembered right. He'd told her that nothing could hurt him and that she had nothing to worry about.

He had told her he was invincible.

Such a bittersweet memory, when he came to think about it. His death had proved to him that he was anything but invincible. He'd been just as fragile as any other human; the tattoos and the attitude hadn't stopped death from taking him, and neither had the love of the people closest to him. He couldn't believe he'd been so naive that he'd actually believed he was invincible. He hadn't thought he could die in such a...neutral sort of way. He'd always thought he was either going to live forever or go out by murder. He'd never thought that something so simple as some prescribed medication and a single beer could end his life.

He sighed and opened his eyes to look down at his daughter with a sad smile. It was those pills and that beer that had taken him away from her life. He wondered if he would still be alive right now if he'd chosen not to drink it, and he shook his head. He knew he couldn't think like that. Death happened and he knew that. He wasn't stupid. Sometimes, people just needed to leave in order to figure out the things they needed to know. He had to keep telling himself that that was the reason he'd been taken away from his life so abruptly. Obviously God had had something in mind for him to learn, though Jimmy was still trying to figure it out.

He needed to know what he was supposed to do here in the Inbetween other than just watch his daughter. Was he just here as some sort of waiting period, waiting for a place to be prepared for him in Heaven? Jimmy had no idea. All he knew was that he was getting antsy. This place was going to drive him crazy. And that was when it occurred to him.

Maybe that was God's plan all along. Maybe God was trying to force Jimmy to move on by making him be alone. He chuckled and then shook his head. He had no idea if that was true or not, and he couldn't dwell on it. Right now, he just needed to concentrate on making sure that he spent as much time looking at his daughter and spending time with her. He knew he wouldn't always get that chance, and he had to take advantage of every moment he had.