The Inbetween
Chapter Twenty-Two
We lay to rest someone whom words cannot describe. Jimmy Sullivan was someone who was loved dearly, and who loved exceptionally. He was someone who--
Leana sat up straight as a bolt, her body covered in a sheen of sweat and her heart racing. She moved her hand to touch her stomach, almost as though to make sure that the baby was still there and protected before she turned to look at Jimmy's side of the bed. She'd just had a horrible nightmare; one where he had died and--
And she had forgotten that he was gone. She felt tears forming in her eyes upon seeing his empty side of the bed. His body hadn't slept there in so long she was surprised she still occasionally had nightmares she woke from expecting to see him, but she couldn't stop them from happening. No matter how many times she'd tried telling herself that he wasn't, Jimmy was gone. Dead. In the next life, or however you wanted to phrase it. He was gone and he wasn't coming back and that fact was only made worse by the nightmare she'd just had about his funeral.
She wiped the tears out of her eyes hastily and then pushed the blankets off of her bed, shaking her head. She couldn't keep doing this to herself, she thought. She needed to move on. How, she wasn't sure. She still loved Jimmy just as much as if he was still there with her. But she knew that he wouldn't want her to live her life feeling as though she was going to have a mental breakdown. She clearly needed to move on. She remembered that later today was going to be the day she met with Michelle to go to the spa, and she sighed as she walked towards the living room, pulling a blanket with her.
She needed to talk with her friend today, and she needed to make sure that she discussed her options of moving on. It would be hard for her to do so, but she had to. Life wasn't the same as it had been without Jimmy, and that was the cold truth. She had to adjust and in order to do that; she needed to find someone else. He would never replace Jimmy, of course. No one could do that, not when she'd loved him so much. But he could help fill the void just a little bit. He could make her feel a little less alone, and he could be a father figure to their child.
She closed her eyes as she sat down on the couch, grabbing the remote to turn the TV on before she flipped the channel from the local news to some music station. She didn't feel like watching depressing stories about bodies washing up on shore or murder victims in skid row. She just wanted to forget about death for awhile. She wanted to be in a place in her mind where it didn't exist.
Her eyes widened when she heard Matt's voice singing on the TV and she looked up to see that they had a new music video out. It was a dark one, of course, but immediately, she could see that it was also a tribute to Jimmy and the life he'd left behind. Tears started forming in her eyes. She hadn't seen the guys in awhile. She wasn't able to stomach seeing people who had loved him nearly as much as she had.
They had been his best friends and she knew their lives had been completely destroyed when Jimmy had died. They'd grown up with him; they'd known him since their grade school days, most of them. And even Johnny, who hadn't known him for as long as the others had, loved him just as much. She made a mental note to go see them sometime. It had been too long and she wanted to let them know that Jimmy was leaving her a daughter behind. It went without saying that as far as she was concerned, she wanted the boys involved in this child's life. Jimmy would want it that way.
It broke her heart to know that everyone was going to be a part of this baby's life except for Jimmy himself. Leana still wasn't able to cope with that fact. He wasn't here. It wasn't right, and she wished it had been someone else. Hell, she wished it had been her. Jimmy hadn't deserved to die, and especially not in such a sudden way. The wound his death had left was still gaping and bleeding and she had no idea where to start fixing it. It was nights like this that she wondered how she could move on. How had she just been thinking about finding another man when she was so obviously still in love with another?
And other than that, she knew no other man was going to want her now. She was damaged right now. She was still trying to make sense of her life without Jimmy and she didn't know how to fix what was wrong. The only way she could be whole again was if Jimmy came back and unless Jesus had his Coming tomorrow and decided to raise Jimmy from the dead like he had Lazarus, she knew it could never happened. And that just made her heart ache more.
His absence was still so...raw. Her heart still felt torn and broken. It was something she'd never felt before. She was hollow and empty right now, even though she was trying to move on. How did one go about moving on, anyway? How did someone get over a death that had happened so suddenly? She knew that counseling was an option, but she didn't want to admit that she needed someone's help. But right now...She couldn't help but wonder if that was what she should do.
She pushed her hand back through her hair and then looked at the grandfather clock positioned in the corner of the living room before she smiled bittersweetly. It was only two o'clock in the morning right now and she needed to make sure that she was well rested enough to be able to go through with the spa day with Michelle today. She knew she couldn't go back to sleep in hers and Jimmy's bedroom tonight, so she decided that the couch would work just as well for at least tonight.
She pushed her hand back through her hair as she pulled the throw blanket over her body before tucking the pillow underneath her head. She was going to spend the day trying to get over this at least a little. For a little while, she was going to try and forget that Jimmy was gone. She was going to go to the spa with Michelle today and she was going to think to herself that everything was going to be just fine. She'd let the massage and the mani - pedi relax her, and then after that, she was going to come home and she was going to go through some more of Jimmy's things.
The house was still full of things he'd left behind; things she knew there were no sense in keeping. She would give some of the things, like his favorite clothes and personal notebooks and such, to the guys. They needed something to hold on to as well. She figured she could give the rest of his clothes to good will and that any of the remaining items, she could put in the storage area in the rafters in the garage. She didn't want to do that, but right now, there was no room in the house for all the memories as well as the baby things with his stuff, too. She'd never completely get rid of him, of course; it went without saying that his photograph was always going to be up in the house. She would never take his pictures or the pictures of their lives together down. Or at least, not right now.
She needed to move on, and this was the first step in doing that. She was going to look into seeing a therapist as well. It wasn't her most ideal choice, but she knew it was better than suffering through sleepless nights and stressful days. She needed to talk to someone; maybe that would help her let go of Jimmy's memory. She was also going to go through the rest of his things starting later today or tomorrow. And then, she was going to start preparing to be a mother. That was her main goal for right now, she told herself. Right now, she needed to make sure that she was completely prepared to be a mother.
Leana sat up straight as a bolt, her body covered in a sheen of sweat and her heart racing. She moved her hand to touch her stomach, almost as though to make sure that the baby was still there and protected before she turned to look at Jimmy's side of the bed. She'd just had a horrible nightmare; one where he had died and--
And she had forgotten that he was gone. She felt tears forming in her eyes upon seeing his empty side of the bed. His body hadn't slept there in so long she was surprised she still occasionally had nightmares she woke from expecting to see him, but she couldn't stop them from happening. No matter how many times she'd tried telling herself that he wasn't, Jimmy was gone. Dead. In the next life, or however you wanted to phrase it. He was gone and he wasn't coming back and that fact was only made worse by the nightmare she'd just had about his funeral.
She wiped the tears out of her eyes hastily and then pushed the blankets off of her bed, shaking her head. She couldn't keep doing this to herself, she thought. She needed to move on. How, she wasn't sure. She still loved Jimmy just as much as if he was still there with her. But she knew that he wouldn't want her to live her life feeling as though she was going to have a mental breakdown. She clearly needed to move on. She remembered that later today was going to be the day she met with Michelle to go to the spa, and she sighed as she walked towards the living room, pulling a blanket with her.
She needed to talk with her friend today, and she needed to make sure that she discussed her options of moving on. It would be hard for her to do so, but she had to. Life wasn't the same as it had been without Jimmy, and that was the cold truth. She had to adjust and in order to do that; she needed to find someone else. He would never replace Jimmy, of course. No one could do that, not when she'd loved him so much. But he could help fill the void just a little bit. He could make her feel a little less alone, and he could be a father figure to their child.
She closed her eyes as she sat down on the couch, grabbing the remote to turn the TV on before she flipped the channel from the local news to some music station. She didn't feel like watching depressing stories about bodies washing up on shore or murder victims in skid row. She just wanted to forget about death for awhile. She wanted to be in a place in her mind where it didn't exist.
Her eyes widened when she heard Matt's voice singing on the TV and she looked up to see that they had a new music video out. It was a dark one, of course, but immediately, she could see that it was also a tribute to Jimmy and the life he'd left behind. Tears started forming in her eyes. She hadn't seen the guys in awhile. She wasn't able to stomach seeing people who had loved him nearly as much as she had.
They had been his best friends and she knew their lives had been completely destroyed when Jimmy had died. They'd grown up with him; they'd known him since their grade school days, most of them. And even Johnny, who hadn't known him for as long as the others had, loved him just as much. She made a mental note to go see them sometime. It had been too long and she wanted to let them know that Jimmy was leaving her a daughter behind. It went without saying that as far as she was concerned, she wanted the boys involved in this child's life. Jimmy would want it that way.
It broke her heart to know that everyone was going to be a part of this baby's life except for Jimmy himself. Leana still wasn't able to cope with that fact. He wasn't here. It wasn't right, and she wished it had been someone else. Hell, she wished it had been her. Jimmy hadn't deserved to die, and especially not in such a sudden way. The wound his death had left was still gaping and bleeding and she had no idea where to start fixing it. It was nights like this that she wondered how she could move on. How had she just been thinking about finding another man when she was so obviously still in love with another?
And other than that, she knew no other man was going to want her now. She was damaged right now. She was still trying to make sense of her life without Jimmy and she didn't know how to fix what was wrong. The only way she could be whole again was if Jimmy came back and unless Jesus had his Coming tomorrow and decided to raise Jimmy from the dead like he had Lazarus, she knew it could never happened. And that just made her heart ache more.
His absence was still so...raw. Her heart still felt torn and broken. It was something she'd never felt before. She was hollow and empty right now, even though she was trying to move on. How did one go about moving on, anyway? How did someone get over a death that had happened so suddenly? She knew that counseling was an option, but she didn't want to admit that she needed someone's help. But right now...She couldn't help but wonder if that was what she should do.
She pushed her hand back through her hair and then looked at the grandfather clock positioned in the corner of the living room before she smiled bittersweetly. It was only two o'clock in the morning right now and she needed to make sure that she was well rested enough to be able to go through with the spa day with Michelle today. She knew she couldn't go back to sleep in hers and Jimmy's bedroom tonight, so she decided that the couch would work just as well for at least tonight.
She pushed her hand back through her hair as she pulled the throw blanket over her body before tucking the pillow underneath her head. She was going to spend the day trying to get over this at least a little. For a little while, she was going to try and forget that Jimmy was gone. She was going to go to the spa with Michelle today and she was going to think to herself that everything was going to be just fine. She'd let the massage and the mani - pedi relax her, and then after that, she was going to come home and she was going to go through some more of Jimmy's things.
The house was still full of things he'd left behind; things she knew there were no sense in keeping. She would give some of the things, like his favorite clothes and personal notebooks and such, to the guys. They needed something to hold on to as well. She figured she could give the rest of his clothes to good will and that any of the remaining items, she could put in the storage area in the rafters in the garage. She didn't want to do that, but right now, there was no room in the house for all the memories as well as the baby things with his stuff, too. She'd never completely get rid of him, of course; it went without saying that his photograph was always going to be up in the house. She would never take his pictures or the pictures of their lives together down. Or at least, not right now.
She needed to move on, and this was the first step in doing that. She was going to look into seeing a therapist as well. It wasn't her most ideal choice, but she knew it was better than suffering through sleepless nights and stressful days. She needed to talk to someone; maybe that would help her let go of Jimmy's memory. She was also going to go through the rest of his things starting later today or tomorrow. And then, she was going to start preparing to be a mother. That was her main goal for right now, she told herself. Right now, she needed to make sure that she was completely prepared to be a mother.