The Inbetween

"You blame yourself for Jimmy's death. Why?"

Leana blinked at the therapist's question two hours later before she shook her head, biting her bottom lip. That question was far too personal for her and it hurt far too much to even think about answering. Hell, she didn't even know if she had an answer.

She'd been subconsciously blaming herself for Jimmy's death because the truth was, she felt like she should have been able to prevent it. She'd read the instructions on his pill bottles when they'd been prescribed to him and she'd read that he wasn't supposed to mix them with alcohol, even if it was just one or two beers like he'd had. She had known and yet she'd still handed him that beer when he'd asked her for it.

If she hadn't done that, he would probably still be here with her. That fact hurt like hell, and along with the hurt came the guilt. She felt responsible for taking the life of someone who was a hero to so many millions of people over the world. She felt like she was the one responsible for Barbara and James losing their son; for Katie losing her brother and for taking him away from the guys.

The tears were too strong for her to be able to hold them back and she cursed under her breath before she shook her head again, telling herself that if she could stop the tears from falling, she could stop the guilt from eating her away the way it was right now.

"It's...I can't...Not now," Leana managed to mutter out in between the tears before she reached for one of the Kleenexes in the box next to her. She sniffled loudly and then blew her nose before she dabbed at the corners of her eyes, attempting to do anything to get rid of her tears.

The therapist gave her a sad song and then nodded before she touched her hand to Leana's shoulder reassuringly.

"It's only natural for a spouse or a close loved one to blame themselves for the death, Leana. Everything you're feeling is natural."

Natural didn't make it right for Leana, though, and she knew she'd never be able to explain in words how bad she felt about what had happened. It had happened so long ago and there were still nights she found it impossible to sleep, knowing his arms were never going to be wrapped around her again.

"It doesn't matter," she whispered harshly before she bit her bottom lip, an unexpected sob falling off her lips before she shook her head as she looked down at the floor. "God, why now? Why am I fucking blubbering like an idiot?"

The question was asked more towards herself than anyone else and it was obvious that the therapist understood what she was going to, even if Leana would like to believe that the woman had no idea what was going through her head.

The woman across from her didn't say anything as Leana broke down in tears. It was the first time in a couple of weeks that she'd truly allowed herself to break down in tears; to cry and to feel the pain wash all over her again like it had in the first few months after his death.

She grabbed at her hair and then pulled at it in an attempt to stop her emotional pain from eating her alive. She hated the way she felt about herself right now. She hated the fact that she felt responsible for causing Jimmy's death. But what if it really was her fault? All the guilt and the self-hatred was right where it belonged if that was the case, she thought to herself.

If she was responsible for his death, she was also responsible for the immeasurable pain that everyone else felt, too. And that was a burden she wasn't sure she'd be able to carry. It could mean that she was responsible for the death of her child's father. It could mean that she was the one who'd stopped him from inspiring so many kids out there who needed his personality to get through their daily lives, and it could mean that she'd taken him away from his closest family and friends.

"I'm horrible," she whispered before she shook her head, the tears starting to fall out of her eyes again. "This is all my fault, isn't it? God, I deserve to fucking die. Why wasn't it me instead?"



For the first time since Hope had made her way into his life, Jimmy felt hopeless and faithless that life for him was ever going to get better. He was watching Leana break down in tears down in the therapist's office because she thought she was responsible for his death when in fact he knew that it hadn't been anything to do with her.

She wasn't responsible and he felt terrible that she was shouldering all the guilt right now. He'd been the one who'd asked for the fucking beer in the first place. Hell, he always asked for beer. He wouldn't go so far to say he'd been an alcoholic, because he'd never truly been addicted to anything except living life and experiencing everything he could. But he sure as hell knew that drinking while on those medications had been wrong and he knew that that was the reason he was here in the Inbetween.

He wanted to find a way to stop Leana from feeling all the guilt. He wanted to be able to make her feel better about everything that had happened in the last few years.

Before the tears could start falling out of his eyes, he felt Hope wrap her hand tightly around his finger before she let out a gurgle. He blinked fast in an attempt to get rid of the tears before he looked down at his daughter.

This little girl was his last chance to let Leana know that everything was okay up here. He knew that when Leana met their daughter, she was going to be just as captivated by the little girl as he had become. He knew that she'd make Leana's world a much better place. If his death was the reason that Hope was being born, then it was worth it, he thought to himself.

He knew that it was definitely a good thing that his daughter was being born to Leana. He didn't care that he wasn't going to be there. Of course, he would much rather be alive than face life here in purgatory forever, but he knew that if he couldn't, he'd much rather see Hope take his place. She'd make the world a better place than he had, and she would most certainly change more things than he ever had.

He wasn't completely writing himself off. Jimmy knew he'd done good things while he'd been alive. He'd been part of a band that had changed hundreds of thousands of lives. And he knew that his humor had brought smiles to people who really needed a smile on some days. But that didn't mean that he thought he'd been some kind of saint. Because he knew that he damn well hadn't been.

He'd done more bad in his life than good; or at least, in his opinion he had. He knew others would disagree but as he looked back at his life in retrospect, he felt like he'd fucked a lot of good things up. He probably never should have started experimenting with drugs, and he probably shouldn't have gotten as used to drinking as he had. He wouldn't take back any of the fun times he'd had with his friends or the relationship he'd embarked on with Leana, but....If he could do it all over again, he knew he'd take more time to savor everything.

He'd done a good job at living as much life as possible, but he felt like he'd skipped over some of the more important things. He'd taken a hell of a lot of things for granted and that wasn't something he was proud of. He'd gotten too used to Leana being a constant in his life and he knew that he should have taken every day with her as a blessing and that he should have made her feel special a few more days than he had. He knew that he should have made sure to call his parents every day instead of every couple of weeks, and he knew that he probably should have spent more time with his sister, too.

But he also knew that not doing all of those things were what had made him who he was, and that was something he couldn't regret or take back. He sighed softly as he looked from Leana to Hope, a faint, sad smile starting to form on his lips. All he wanted was for his daughter to be able to make a difference in Leana's life, and he knew that it would happen. He was just sad he wasn't going to be there to see it with his own eyes and experience it with his own body.