The Inbetween

"I can't believe you're going to be a mother in just a few months," Leana listened to her mother murmur softly as they sat together in her living room, discussing the upcoming baby over tea and cookies. Leana gave her mother a watery smile and then nodded before she leaned her head back against the couch cushion, trying to distract her thoughts from wandering to Jimmy.

It seemed to her that the closer the end of her pregnancy came, the more she thought of Jimmy. She didn't want to forget him, but she knew that she couldn't keep living her life for him, either. She had her own life to live and now, she had a baby to think of and take care of. She needed to make that baby her priority and she needed to make sure that she wasn't in a bad mental place when the baby was born.

"Le, what's going on?" Her mother asked her softly before she touched her daughter's shoulder. "You were doing well for awhile but now...Now you just look...well, you look haunted, dear."

Leana just shrugged and then looked down at the floor before she leaned her head up again. She looked at the clock and realized that it was almost three o'clock in the afternoon. She should probably start heading home soon, but for some reason, home didn't sound like a good place to be right now. She knew that as soon as she stepped through those doors, she'd feel alone and the memories of her relationship with Jimmy would creep up on her.

"I'm okay, Mom. I'm talking to a therapist and it's just...It's making me remember things," she muttered.

She knew her mother wasn't going to be happy that she'd started seeing a therapist. Her mother had never been the kind of person who believed in going to shrinks or psychologists to talk out whatever was going on in the mind; she'd always told Leana to come to her if she needed help of that kind. But Leana knew that this wasn't something she could talk to her mother about. She knew that this was something she needed her psychologist to handle, not her mother.

Her mother couldn't help her get over the guilt that consumed her because in all honesty, her mother had no idea of what had happened with Jimmy. She had no idea that Leana felt as responsible for his death as she did and her mother certainly didn't understand why she felt guilty.

"A therapist?" Her mother asked dubiously. "Dear, you know that I--"

"I know, Mom, but this is just...It's something that I need to do for myself."

She knew her mother wasn't going to like that as an excuse, but she was fine with that, she just wanted to make sure that she took care of herself. She needed to make sure she was as healthy mentally as she could possibly be when this baby was born. This little life that was growing inside of her deserved the best of everything that Leana could give it, and she couldn't give the baby what it deserved if she didn't get help for coping with her guilt and the pain.

Her mother nodded, although it was clear that she still didn't agree with Leana's decision. She bit down on her bottom lip and then looked up at Leana before her eyes softened lightly. "Sweetheart," she murmured out lightly. "Maybe you should go see the grave again. It might help you."

Immediately, Leana shook her head. She knew that she couldn't go see Jimmy's gravesite right now, or any time in the near future. She was terrified that all the horrible feelings that had hit her the last time she'd gone would come back. He was resting in peace right now, she was sure of it. There was no reason for her to go and disturb that peace with her presence.

"I can't, Mom," she muttered under her breath. "I'm just...I'm getting over everything on my own. It might take some time, but I'm getting there," she added softly, hoping her mother would understand that.

Leana's mother again sighed and nodded, knowing that she couldn't change her daughter's mind. She knew that if it was her going through what Leana was going through, she might not listen to her own advice, either. Hell, she knew her daughter was in a bad place emotionally right now.

She'd lost the love of her life and found out that she was going to be raising their child on her own. She was probably grief and guilt-stricken, especially because of the fact that she had probably been the one to bring him alcohol that day. Leana's mother had no idea how her daughter lived with it every day. All she knew was that she felt extremely proud of her daughter for being so strong and brave.

"I understand that, darling," her mother told her lightly. "But you've got to remember that he still loves you, okay? But he wants you to move on, too."

Leana nodded, swallowing hard before she stood up. She had thought that visiting her mother today was going to help her feel better, but it hadn't. Right now, she felt like shit. She just wanted to go home so that she could think of everything that had happened over the last few months. She just wanted some more alone time.

"I think I'm going to head home, Mom," she murmured softly before she pushed her hand back through her hair. "I'll call you when I get there so you know I'm safe."

Her mother nodded and then stood up before she wrapped her arms around Leana. "Alright. Call me later this week sometime though, sweetheart. You know I worry about you all the time."

"I will, Mom," Leana agreed with her mother before she quickly started making her way towards the front door so that she could leave and go home. She felt trapped here; almost as though she didn't belong. She knew that was ridiculous, especially given the fact that she loved her mother so much. She pushed her hand back through her hair as she approached her car before she bit down on her bottom lip, putting the car into drive.

She felt like shit right now and all she wanted was to lay down and go to sleep, even though she knew that she couldn't do that right now. She had to go home and get some other stuff figured out before going to bed. She hadn't realized how stressed out she was until just now; she hadn't realized how much pressure she felt like she was under.

The weight of everything was overbearing and all she wanted was for all of the stress; all of the pain and the guilt to just go away. She didn't want to face this shit anymore. It was becoming a stark realization to her that in just a few months, she was going to be a mother. And not only that, she realized that she was starting to slowly relapse on the slight depression she had felt.

She reached back and pushed her hand back through her hair before closing her eyes to blink, needing a moment to breathe. When she opened her eyes, they widened in fear when she realized that she'd swerved onto the other side of the road. She moved back to her lane and then took a deep breath before she started driving a little slower.

She arrived home a little more than an hour later. It had taken her a lot longer to drive home, but she had been too tired to drive and she realized that she probably shouldn't have been on the road. She bit her bottom lip and then she started to walk up the stairs. She didn't want to go to bed tonight, but she knew she was too tired to get everything on her list done. She decided that she'd get everything else done tomorrow.