The Inbetween

Leana let out a soft sigh as she kneeled in front of Jimmy's grave, a simple bouquet of white lilies and red roses in her hand as she looked down at the gravestone that marked where his body lay. Today was one of the worst days of her life, next to having been there the day Jimmy had died.

Today, she was saying goodbye.

It wouldn't be for good, of course; she could never say goodbye to him forever. But she needed to say goodbye to him for awhile. Until their child was old enough to understand what had happened to Jimmy and why he wouldn't be there with them, Leana couldn't come back to the grave. She knew it would be too hard for her to do. Jimmy was gone and their child would be here soon, and she knew she couldn't keep letting her sorrow and sadness over losing him get in the way of raising the child.

"You know I don't want to do this," she whispered as she let her hand carefully touch the side of the gravestone, tears slipping out of her eyes. "I know I always promised I'd never say goodbye, Jimmy, but...This is something I need to do. You understand that, don't you?"

No answer came, just a simple gust of wind that scattered her chestnut brown hair across her shoulders. Is that you? she wanted to ask. Is that you letting me know that you understand?

Even more tears started falling out of her eyes at that word. She didn't understand why this was so hard; why it was almost as hard as his funeral had been.

She shouldn't need to say goodbye a second time. It wasn't fair.

She felt as though she was losing him all over again; as though he'd just died for a second time. It tore her heart apart, knowing that she wouldn't be back to his gravesite; back to see him until she could find a way to tell their baby about him. She felt like complete and utter shit like that. She felt like she was the most horrible woman on the planet.

She felt like she was betraying him.

"I don't want to say goodbye, Jimmy," she whispered, her voice breaking as she said the words before she leaned her forehead against the smooth stone. The tears couldn't be stopped now as she looked down at the simple but true words that described his life. She didn't understand how a slab of stone was getting her so emotional.

Then again, she knew it wasn't the gravestone that was making her feel like her world had just fallen out from underneath her knees. It was what lay beneath it.

She knew he wouldn't respond to her. She'd stopped hoping for that some time ago. She knew that she believed in an afterlife, and that she believed in ghosts...but some part of her told her that Jimmy wasn't really here anymore. Sure, she could sometimes feel his essence. And for awhile, right after he'd died, she could have sworn she'd felt his arms wrap around her at night to keep her safe.

But she knew that couldn't be. Because wherever Jimmy was, he sure as hell wasn't a ghost. He had to be in Heaven right now, happy and peaceful.

She sat there and cried for what felt like hours. She felt a weight lifting off her shoulders, as if crying here over his grave, pouring her heart out to him was helping to relieve tension and stress she hadn't even known she possessed. She bit down on her bottom lip as she felt the baby kick her stomach, as though it knew where they were.

"Someday I'll be back," she whispered down to Jimmy before she carefully sat the bouquet of flowers down on his grave. "You know I will, Jimmy. I promise our child is going to know who you are and where you are when it gets old enough to understand. But right now...I need to concentrate on getting the baby here and being a good mother. I need to let you go now."

She ignored the way her heart stung when she thought those words. After all, how could she ever truly let go of Jimmy when he had been her soul mate? She knew he was the man she'd been supposed to be with for her whole life, and now she was facing an entire lifetime without him there by her side.

"I love you," she whispered before she stood up, letting her hand support her stomach as she did so before she gave the grave one last look as she turned to walk away from him.

She couldn't come back for a long time, she told herself. She needed to make sure that she concentrated on being a mother first. She'd continue going to her therapists' sessions and she'd continue healing her heart. Maybe eventually, she'd be able to begin dating again. Of course, that day was far off in the future. She couldn't begin to think about doing that now, especially not when Jimmy hadn't even been gone for a full year yet.

God, she missed him she thought as she walked to her car in the parking lot. She missed everything about him. She would give anything to have him back.

She missed the way he always used to make her laugh whenever she was crying. It didn't matter if it was something silly or stupid, or if she really didn't want to laugh at all. He'd always been able to make her do it. Jimmy had always been the one person who could put a smile on her face; who could thaw her heart out and make her feel okay again. He'd been one of the only people in the world who truly understood her.

She missed the way he used to hold her at night. His arms had made her feel so secure and so safe. She'd known that he'd never let anything happen to her. He'd cared for her more than he'd ever cared about another woman before and she knew that even if there had occasionally been another woman--he had been a rock star after all, and she wasn't a stupid woman--he had always been in love with her and she'd always had his heart.

But most of all, she missed how full of life he'd been. Even when the world around him was gray and he seemed to be going through hell, he'd been so damn full of life. She couldn't think of many times when there hadn't been a smile on his lips or a laugh falling from his mouth. He'd always had something funny or quirky to say; something small that would brighten someone's day, intentionally or unintentionally. He'd given life everything he'd had, and that was something she wished she'd be able to do.

She sighed and then shook her head before she pushed her hand back through her hair before she bit down on her bottom lip. She knew that she needed to stop thinking about that now. Now wasn't the time for that, especially since she needed to get back to the house and help her father finish up the final details in the nursery.

The baby was due to be born in a week, and she knew that she could go in to labor at any time. She knew she shouldn't have gone to the cemetery alone, but it was something she felt as though she needed to do. She had needed to make sure that she faced Jimmy alone, just like the two of them had always done. Back when he'd been alive, if either of them had ever had something they needed to talk about, they'd done it in private and without anyone else present. She saw no reason to change that now, even if he wasn't actually there with her any longer.

When she got home, she smiled when she saw that her father's car was parked in the drive way. She knew that meant that he had come over to help her, and she couldn't help but wonder how long he'd been waiting for her. She was almost hesitant to tell him where she'd been. She didn't want him to worry about her having been alone at the cemetery.

As Leana parked and got out of her car, she couldn't help but notice the way the sun seemed to be shining just a little bit brighter than it had been before. She knew that good things would happen, even if it took awhile before that would occur. She knew life would be good again. She just had to wait, she told herself. If she could wait and have some faith and hope, she knew things would turn around .