The Inbetween

“Do you ever think that it could have turned out differently for us?” Jimmy asked Faith a few days later, bringing his blue eyes up to hers to smile at her softly. The two of them were sitting beneath the tree, looking out the Inbetween. Today, they had decided that they would make it into a large park with a lake. It wasn’t dissimilar to Central Park in Huntington Beach, and Jimmy knew that was because in a way, he had been missing going to that place.

His question carried a lot more weight than the words themselves expressed, and he could tell from the expression on Faith’s face that she knew what he was asking her. She sighed, and then tucked some of her curly hair behind her ear as she looked down at the lake, looking as if she was deep in thought. He knew that was because she was a thinker. Unlike him, Faith was the type of person to think through everything carefully. She made decisions slowly, and that was why she seemed to be such a compatible person for him.

After a few moments, she looked up at him, and he could see some confusion still lingering in her eyes. “What kind of answer are you looking for, Jimmy?” She countered his question with a question of her own, a sad smile on her face. “Do you want the truth, or do you want the lie?”

Jimmy thought about what she was asking for a few minutes, and then pushed his hand back through his dark hair, trying to figure out what he wanted. He knew that there were two sides to the sword; that there were two different answers to each question he had asked her since he had met her. He knew that she could lie to him and tell him an answer that would make it easier for him to accept that he was here, or she could tell him the truth. The truth hurt, as the old adage went, and sometimes, it hurt a lot more than Jimmy ever thought that it could.

“It’s okay, you know,” she told him when she saw that he was conflicted. “You don’t have to ask me if you’re not ready. I know it’s hard, accepting this.”

Jimmy took a deep breath, and then looked out at the water. He was remembering his human life; times he’d shared with his friends and loved ones. He’d never thought those times would be cut short by death. He’d never thought that he was going to be taken so soon from the people he loved. Maybe he wasn’t quite as over his passing as he’d thought he was, he thought to himself.

He felt Faith’s hand touch his shoulder, and he almost instinctively let himself lean against her. She didn’t say anything, she just touched his shoulder. Just that one, small touch let him know that he wasn’t alone. He might not be with his wife, or with his friends, but he had someone. And that was what truly meant something, he supposed.

“What about you? Are you over your death, Faith?” He asked her, realizing that she knew a lot about him and the life he’d lived down on Earth, and yet he seemed to know only the basics about who she was. He noticed that she had never really talked about her family or the life she’d had, or the things she’d been interested in. She’d never talked about any of that, and it made him wonder if she was over her death, or if she was still just trying to cope with it, like he was. She looked over at him when she heard his question, and then shrugged as she blinked, looking back out at the water with a small frown on her face. She didn’t know how to answer this question. She’d never had to answer a question like that before, actually. Until Jimmy had arrived, she had been alone in this place. Alone with her thoughts; alone with her guilt. She’d never had anyone to talk to before now, and now, she was beginning to realize how much she had truly missed the companionship that another person could bring to her.

“No,” she answered him with a small sigh. He could hear the emotion behind her answer. It was only one word, but he realized that sometimes, that was all that was needed. Sometimes, one word said everything that needed to be said.

“It’s okay,” he told her as he scooted closer to her. He could tell that she needed some support right now, and he wanted to be that support for her. He knew how hard it was to handle the emotions that came with death. He knew that what he was feeling was nowhere near as anguishing as what his family and friends felt, but the emotion was still there. His heart ached with the thought that he could have done something to prevent his death, even if he knew that, in a way, he really couldn’t have.

She didn’t need any more words, and she just let her face lean against his shoulder. For the first time since Jimmy had met Faith that day she’d come to him, he saw her cry. And that broke his heart more than anything. For the first time, he was beginning to understand how hard it would be to be in the position that she was in. He already had suspicions that she’d been alone in this place until he’d come, and he couldn’t imagine dealing with the loneliness that had to have come from that.

If it was hard for him to accept his death while he ha her, he could only imagine how difficult it would be for her to even begin to accept it. in a way, he already knew that he’d never truly accept his death; that she would never truly accept her death, either. But he also knew that they had to try and reach some sort of peace with it. He wondered if this place; this beautiful world that was somewhere between Heaven and Earth, was really meant to give people time to reach closure before they could go to Heaven.

He lost track of how long Faith stayed there crying on his shoulder. He just wanted to make her feel better. He knew that, in a way, she needed this. She was releasing all of the pent up feelings that she’d probably been holding inside of her since she’d left Earth. Everything had to be eating her up by now, and it all needed a release. He hated seeing her in pain. He felt a pang in his heart that felt like love, and he wondered if it was possible that he could love Faith. He didn’t know if he could or not.

Sometimes, he would spend his days watching his family and friends down on Earth. And every time he saw Leana, he felt that little skip in his heart that had made him realize that he loved her. But now, he was starting to feel that same thing with Faith. The only difference was that with Faith, it felt a little different. It felt almost stronger, in a way. It felt like a bond; like something was holding together like glue. He loved Leana; he knew that much was true, but he realized that he was also starting to love Faith as well.

“Jimmy?” Faith’s voice asked him. he heard the childlike innocence that was in her voice, and he realized that she was still hurting. She still felt anguish like he did; the guilt was evident, and he knew that she was just as lost about where to start accepting death as he was about his own.

“What?” He murmured softly into her ear, pulling her arms around her so that he could give her the comfort that he knew she needed. She leaned into his touch, and then opened her eyes so that she could look up at him, a small smile on her face as she wiped the tears out of her eyes.

“You’re a good friend,” she whispered, looking down at the grass. “While…While I was alive, I never had a friend half as good as you.”

Jimmy wanted to ask her what she meant by that, but he knew that she would come to him in her own time and explain things to him. Someday, she would tell him about her life just the same way he had shared his story with her. He knew that she was still trying to accept everything, and that for a long time, she might not be able to talk about things openly with him.

He had noticed that the majority of her time when not trying to save someone’s life was spent in her own corner of the Inbetween. When she would go there, he would leave her alone. He knew that that was what she wanted, even if she didn’t say the words. Sometimes, he would see her dancing gracefully, like she was some kind of beautiful ballerina in France. Other times, he would see her studying the ground intently, and he knew that those were the times when she had to be looking down on her own loved ones.

He didn’t know if she had family or friends left down there, but he could tell that there was someone she’d left down on Earth that she loved dearly. She never talked about the person, and he never asked questions. But there was someone, and he knew that though she had warned him against trying to look out for his family too much, she did the very same thing for that person that she loved so much.

He wondered if it was a brother, or a sister. Perhaps a dear friend that she had held close, or maybe a relative that she’d loved dearly. He had no idea what her life had been like, and he was curious. Sometimes he would just sit there underneath the tree, watching her watch the ground, letting his mind come up with scenarios.

He didn’t say anything as he watched Faith stand up, and he watched as she gave him a small smile before she started walking across the field. As she left him there, he saw her part of the Inbetween change. Instead of being a beautiful, peaceful meadow as it often was when she was there, the sky was a dark grey color, and he could see rain falling down on her in sheets. The grass was dead, and the lake in front of her was uneasy. To see that saddening visual only made him realize how hurt she had to be, and for the first time, he began wondering if he should go over and offer to sit with her.

Instead, he chose to stay in his own Inbetween. He knew that if Faith wanted him to come over to her, she would send him some kind of signal. It pained him to watch her let the sadness wash over her like it was, but he knew that sometimes, that was the only way to let the healing process truly begin.

Jimmy just sighed as he rested his back against the tree, trying to think of ways he could try to make Faith feel better when she came back over to him. He knew that it wouldn’t be the same as it was down on Earth. He couldn’t just buy her some flowers and then magically make her feel better with them. He couldn’t surprise her by taking her out to a romantic dinner, and he couldn’t lay with her on the sand underneath a blanket of stars while telling her all the reasons she was a special and beautiful person. He needed to think of something else; something that would work.

He just closed his eyes instead, and his thoughts drifted to his family. He remembered Leana’s smile, and the way she would always tell him that she loved him every time they went to sleep at night and every morning when they woke up in each other’s arms. He had no doubt of her love for him.

He felt a sudden wave of sadness and hurt wash over him at the thought that she still cried herself to sleep over him at night. He had seen her do it. sometimes when he wanted to pretend to sleep at night—he never really needed to, because when you were dead, there was no need for sleep—he would lay and watch her in the home they had shared.

The sight he saw was heartbreaking every time he saw it. She was still broken up over his passing. He would watch as she sat in the living room watching old home videos of the two of them, and then he would watch as she would wander into his closet, pull one of his shirts off the rack, and hug it tightly to her chest, trying to inhale his scent so that she could pretend that, just for a few moments, he was still there with her.

He would watch as she lay in bed until the middle of the day simply because she had no will to get up and face the day without him. He would see her cry over the smallest things that reminded her of him, like when she would see the paper folded on the sidewalk outside the house and remember how he used to take it inside only to rip it apart so that he could find the comics and throw the rest away. He would watch as she’d soak in the tub, trying to imagine that it was his fingers touching her instead of the bubbles, and then he’d see her crawl into their bed at night only to curl herself around his pillow and cry for hours until she’d fall asleep, tears still staining her face and sobs still wracking through her small body.

It tore him up, knowing that she was still hurt. He had no idea how long it had been on Earth since his death, but he knew it had been awhile. He just wished he could do something to help them. He wanted to make sure that they were all fine, and that Faith wasn’t hurting over her death. Only then was he ever going to be able to face his own hurt over his death.