Secret Love Affair

Three suitcases all lay open on my bed. Half my closet emptied and bathroom naked of girly essentials.

"Come...On!" I mumble trying to close one suitcase. I’ve been trying to close the damn thing for twenty minutes at least.

...well maybe it was 5 but it felt like twenty.

"Stupid-ass-urgh!" I jump on it so it would close. Once I zipped up the bulging case, I rolled off it and sat on the floor. I let the fan blow in my face as I closed my eyes.

If you hadn’t already realize- I'm leaving. Going back to New York and away from this place that was a home away from home. Too much happened here and it would be best to forget the memories.
I had fallen for Dougie and he kisses or shall I say makes out with another girl. I had a best friend, betrayed her and now I have one less best friend. Losing one best friend is like losing a thousand best friends. Running away from Dougie is easy.

Forgetting him- hard.

And I feel that I should try to get Arabella to forgive me. She was my best friend and I cherished that if you hadn't already noticed.

I picked at my blue nail polish and played with my limp hair while waiting for my dad to pick up. The shades were down and there was no food in the whole flat.

"Hello this is Darren."

"Hey dad." I tried sounding normal.

"Hi honey what’s wrong?"

Am I that obvious?

"Oh nothing," I pause and think about my words, "I'm leaving early."

"What why?" My dad asks. Clearly he doesn't want his only daughter to leave even though we rarely spent time together. I can tell that my dad is in his office. Sourface was in the background yapping away to some assistant.

"Oh I just miss Arabella, Lena and Mina. Plus I got to get ready for school." Actually I had totally forgotten about school. I'll be going to NYU this fall. Hopefully with Arabella...

"Are you sure Lara? It’s going to be awhile before we can see each other again."

"Dad I'm sure. I'll talk to you later."

I clicked my pen numerous times. Chewed on gum because I didn't feel like eating when I was clearly starving and I let my phone ring five times without answering it.

I'm not going to see McFLY at all before I leave so the best polite thing to do would be to write a cheesy goodbye letter.

Oh god help me...

Tom, Danny, Dougie & Harry-
I feel pretty pathetic that I'm too chicken to personally say goodbye to you all. But it would be too hard so writing some stupid letter is the only way.
I'm sorry I had to leave so suddenly. There was family emergency full of screaming and plate throwing and I have to try to sort things out.
I feel so lucky to have met the four of you last spring. I've grown attached to the craziness that I love about you all and I'm truly going to miss it. Hopefully we'll see each other again someday if our schedules allow it. But with your touring and my schooling it would be kind of hard. So do summers sound good? I'll miss you guys!
Much Love
Lara
PS: Danny, ask Lena out already! She won't shut up about you now!

I've changed the letter like a thousand times. Wasted so much paper that you wouldn't call me "green friendly" and I tried not making the letter sound like "Oh I was caught and now I'm running back to New York City because I'm stupid and lame and I can't stand to look at Dougie again because I might cry and then kiss him even though he broke my heart. Or in other words- I know I'm a sad coward so let’s not actually make a scene with that fact.

Way to kill myself with words eh?

I sighed and folded the letter and left it on the counter for later. As I walked back to my room, feeling VERY lonely, I thought about the real meaning of the letter.

One) "...To personally say goodbye to you all." - I usually would but Dougie Poynter would be there.

Two) "But it would be too hard..." - as in I might cry and kiss Dougie at the same time...even if he had his tongue down another girls throat.

Three) "...a family emergency full of screaming and plate throwing and I have to sort things out." - Arabella hates me now.

Four) "...grown attached...truly going to miss it." - Yes I will miss it and I HAVE grown attached. Attached to some more than others.

Five) "Hopefully we will see each other again..." - I don't plan on it.

Six) "So do summers sound good?" - Forced myself to write that. I had to give some hope to the lads right?

I checked every room making sure I didn't forget anything, made my bed for the first time in a month and grabbed my bags along with the letter. Before walking out the door, I turned around and looked at the flat. So many good times...vanished. I blinked really hard to stop my tears from falling and then walked away. I don't want to cry. I hate crying and I am a very strong person. I will not fall. I won't.

Oh hell...

Who am I kidding?

I'm already at the bottom of the pit and guess what- I don't like it.

I walked quietly and quickly to Danny and Harry's door. I decided to give the letter to them to read first instead of Tom and Dougie. I didn't knock. Just taped it to the door.

And when I walked away, I had that sinking feeling again. Like it was brand new. Gosh I feel very depressed. And it’s raining too.

"Oh my God, Lara!" Jazzie throws her arms around me. I hug her back. "I heard about everything!
Dougie's called here asking if you were here and he's like some complete nervou-"

"Jazzie calm down!" I smile for the first time in days. Yes days. It has only been three days since the fiasco. And no I never slept.

"Are you alright?" She sits me down on the couch.

I sigh, "Nope."

"Aren't we flat out truthful today?" Jazzie sips her tea.

"I guess." I look at my tea, "Listen Jazzie-" I look at her texting something on her phone, "-Don't tell Dougie I'm here!"

She looks at me, "Fine." and she throws the phone on the couch. I look at the gray clouds and wet windows.

"Um...Jazzie I'm going back to New York." I sip my tea.

"What! No!" Jazzie says, "You can't!"

"I will."

"But Lara! It’s not your-"

"It is my fault. And I need to straighten things out with Arabella."

"Oh she's a poodle!" Jazzie says dramatically laying on the couch.

"Hey! I thought you liked your cousin?"

"I do. Just- oh why does this happen?!"

I shrug "I don't know."

Twenty minutes later, I'm about to walk out the door. I felt that the longer I'm in the city of London, the harder it will be.

"Please don't tell Dougie I was here. And don't tell him I left." I said hugging Jazzie.

"Sure." She says. Of course I know once I'm around the corner, she's going to run to the phone at full speed.

"Keep in touch?" I ask

"Always."

It began to rain again so I hurried to the taxi car.

I looked out of my window at the passing people. As the taxi took me to the airport, I saw a huge billboard with McFLY on it. I stare at it until I lost view of it. But Dougie's eyes were still in front of me. I took a huge stifling breath to stop myself from breaking down.

Don't break down...

"British Airways miss?" the driver asked.

"Yes." I croaked.

I wanted to cry so much. I wanted to scream. To hug something. To break something. I just wanted to do something that would stop me from thinking what was slowly slipping into my mind.

I had this overwhelming feeling I've been trying to ignore for weeks.

This feeling...this emotion...

"Oh God..." I whisper to myself.

I think I'm in love with Dougie Poynter.

I've been in love with him from the very beginning and now I admit it to myself?! When everything falls apart?!

Dougie doesn't love me but I'm in love with him?

In love with Dougie Poynter...

Dougie's been putting on a fake smile for the public while touring. Richard and the guys never mentioned Lara or Arabella and they all acted like nothing happened. That is- until Dougie tried to go to sleep that night after the concert.

He was restless and when he did sleep, he had dreams about Lara. Some happy, some just plain horrible- like he had a dream that she dumped him for some American dude. Or she was married and had a family and forgot all about him. He woke up in a sweat after that one.

Dougie has called Lara's cell phone and flat more than fifty times.

"Just give her a break. She's probably out thinking." Tom said one time during a break at a concert.

"No." was all Dougie said and continued punching in the flat's number.

The next day (day three), McFLY took a rest at Danny and Harry's flat.

"Hey guys!" Danny called from the door.

"What?" Harry calls back from reading the paper. Dougie kept flicking spit balls at the back of the paper and Tom was watching television.

"Did you bother to look at this note?" Danny says reading it and walking in the room at the same time.

"What note?" Dougie asked.

"I thought it was just a flyer." Tom said. Danny looks at Dougie.

"What is it?" Harry asked looking over Danny's shoulder. Then Harry looked at Dougie.

"Let’s go in the kitchen. Someone may need some liquor." Harry said.

"You sound serious." Dougie said lightly and stretching.

"I am." Harry replied flatly. Tom read the note.

"Whoa..." Tom said. He looked up, blinked, then looked at the note again, "Let me read that again."

"What is it?" Dougie asked impatiently.

"Uh...here." Tom hands the note to Dougie, "We'll give you some privacy." And he ushers Danny and Harry out of the kitchen.

Dougie shrugs and leans against the counter. He played with the necklace he WAS planning on giving Lara. He opened the folded letter and immediately his heart sinks and his gut crawls up his throat. He saw Lara's handwriting in black ink scribbled on the paper.

He let his stomach calm down a bit and then read.

Half way through the letter, heart sinking rabidly with a lump in his throat, Danny calls out.

"Hey Dougie Jazzie wants to talk to you! Wait-" Danny pauses, "Oh she NEEDS to talk to you. Says its urgent!"

"Okay!" Dougie finishes the letter, slips it in his pocket and walks to the phone. Feeling a bit more miserable than before.

“She left without saying goodbye to me. I think I screwed up...this sucks...” he mumbles to himself.