Secret Love Affair

I let the wind blow through my hair. My veins pulsed with the sound of New York City. The cars, people, music. Everything. I listened to everything and felt everything. This calmness is way better than my calmness in the shower three days ago. When I came out of the bathroom, Arabella couldn't stop laughing because my eyes were pink. The next day when I took a shower, I was very hesitant while dealing with soap.

I felt free on this roof. It's so loud yet so quiet. I would stay up here all night but I heard that it was going to rain soon...and I would still stay up here while it rained but Arabella would throw a hissy fit about me getting sick. Haha...her voice would get high and her eyes would twitch. Maybe I'll do that just to get her annoyed.

So...the big question: Is Dougie Poynter still in my life? Or is he out?

Answer: I.DON'T.KNOW

The boy "says" he loves me but I won't believe it until he actually tells ME. Not his new ally- Arabella. And besides...things probably wouldn't work out anyways...
I shiver...I'm in a thin blue tee and jeans which were dirty because I had dug up that picture of Dougie and I. Remember I put it in the garden? As I look at the city, someone puts a jacket around my shoulders. I don't jump or turn around. But electric pulses do run down my arms and shoulders. Even around my heart. I inhale the old familiar scent I missed of the jacket.

"You must hate me now." I say without looking at him as he stood next to me. It was practically dark now with the last of the sun's rays in the sky, giving off a pretty purple and gold color. Off to the distance, rolling clouds of thunder were quickly approaching.

"For what?" Dougie asks me. I see him glance at me from the corner of my eye. It takes me awhile to answer. I shrug and let Dougie's warm jacket hug me...since I probably wouldn't let Dougie himself do it. You know I'm scared of the most stupidest of things. I avoid the most simplest of things. I ignore the most brightest things. I skip the good parts and always run to the bad parts.

Why?

Why do I always mess up?

"Lara?"

I jump back to reality, "What?" I quickly look at Dougie then look away. Goodness gracious! I even love the way he says my name...it makes me melt. But at the moment...I hate it.

"Why would I hate you?"

"Oh so you do hate me?" I ask calmly, trying to delay my confessions.

"No. But you said that I must hate you now." Dougie says. I stand there. Then I feel Dougie's fingers slowly touch mine. I yank them away.

"Because I left unexpectedly. I avoided you. I ignored the truth. I left you...I was just scared and confused at the time. Too many things happened all at once way to fast that night."

That night.

I won't ever say out loud that he made out with another girl. Well...she actually came on to him now that Arabella is truthful after months of lies. So basically- it was my fault (again!). It's my fault I had an affair with Dougie. It's my fault I left him. It's my fault all this crap happened. It's my entire fault. It's also my fault that I'm scared of the most stupid of things- Love.

Damn thing!

It should be an illegal drug trying to get people to receive electric shocks through their veins and then feel like their air!

hmph...

"I don't hate you." Dougie says.

"Right." I roll my eyes. Am I being too overdramatic?

"Lara I l-"

"Don't even say it!" I finally look at Dougie.

"It's not true! Its just a phase! Arabella probably told you to say it! Since she's so good at telling people to do things that can destroy someone..." I hug myself as thunder finally looms overhead.

"Lara don't say that. It is true! I don't fully understand why you won't accept me again after Arabella told you the truth. But please-" Dougie grabs a hold of my arms and brings himself close to me. He forces me to look at him. He was so close to me that I could almost feel a bit of his lip.

Dougie looks into my eyes and I feel his arms slip around my waist. Our bodies haven't touched in months. My heart beat so fast.

"-Please. I want you back in my life. I want you. I need you."

I back away and shake my head, "If you needed me, then you should've went after me!"

"You were gone by the time I got your letter!"

And Dougie shows me that familiar paper that I spent at least two hours on.

"I- Still!" I stutter. Wow I'm stubborn.

Dougie laughs. He bloody laughs! "Lara you are so stubborn!"

Why in hell is he laughing at a time like this? GOSH! It's officially dark now. There's a storm that has started roughly two minutes ago- outside and in my heart. It began to rain hard without a moment’s notice of a sprinkle.

"Damnit Dougie Poynter!" I scream in annoyance. Dougie looks at me. It’s that "look." He walks towards me. I walk back away from him. He keeps walking until I'm backed into a wall of the garden shed. The way Dougie looked at me nearly sucked the breath out of me and what he said made it even harder to breathe.

"Lara I'm in love with you."

And then my whole mind shut down. I couldn't think, breath, or feel...except for this weird feeling in my chest. I couldn't blink for the longest time.

"No." I shake my head, "I'm only a phase!"

Dougie seems to be hurt (I guess) as I didn't believe him. Then he lightly pins me against the wall, both of us drenched, and he whispered, "Tell me you don't love me then."

And I swear we shared this scene sometime in our brief and short past together.

"No."

"So you do love me?"

"No!"

"What?"

"I- Dougie- we weren't allowed to in the first place! It was a mistake! If we didn't work out then, then it wouldn't work out now!"

"Lara just tell me you don't love me then! Go on! Tell me!"

"Dougie I can't!" I plead and begin to cry which sucks because I'm sick of it now. He watches me. I can't cover my eyes since my hands are pinned down by his.

Note to self: I.am.so.stupid. I.am.so.chicken!

How could I NOT be scared of sky diving and then BE scared of how I feel?

"So you do love me?"

"No!"

"You don't love me?"

"No!"

"What then! Lara Keating I'm in love with you! I can't hold it in any longer. I want you in my life by my side!" And the way he says it makes me even more scared. I felt my gut and my heart twisting around uncontrollably. "Lara-"

"I'm scared! I'm scared to tell you that I love you alright! I'm scared of falling in love with you- which I already have. I'm afraid that..." I notice how Dougie looks at me straight in the eyes. His body is pressed against mine. We're stuck in this storm. The weather AND our little issue. I observe Dougie's features. I felt his heart beat. His hands on mine. His chest to mine. His lips about to touch my lips at any moment.

"...I'm scared that I'm just a phase, chapter in your life. You'll move on. Forget me like all the other guys who swept me off my feet at first glance. It's always a different guy. But same story." I say.

"I'm not like other guys." he whispers. I look to the ground. "How could you be scared to tell me you love me when you just admitted it?" He says back to me.

I feel his warm breath on my lips and cheek. I pull away.

"But we can't be together!" I cry.

"Oh I swear we had this problem once upon a time last April!"

"And look where that got us! In a freaking mess! Dougie! Can't you see? I'm applying for a TRL show host job this summer! I inherit DKNY which is stationed in New York! LONG DISTANCE! You can't stay here because of McFly and don't you dare say you could leave them! Never let some girl win over the band! You can't leave Tom, Danny and Harry! What about school? I have life here!"

"But I love you. That’s all that matters. I can still be in a band and love you. There's always a way."

"Yeah and in two weeks you're going to ditch me for some fan that looks like Megan." I just had to say it! To be honest with you- I wanted to bitch slap that chick all the way to china.

"Lara please-"

"No Dougie. We can't." And as much as it hurt, as much as I really did love him- I left. I struggled out of Dougie's tight grasp that actually never hurt me and ran down the fire escape, leaving Dougie on the rooftop, alone in the rain.