Over My Heart

Without the lights out I had thought everything would be easier. I thought there would be no awkward giggles or limbs bumping into each other when they didn’t necessarily need to be around one another. Even when he kissed me, I wanted to burst out into peals of laughter. But I didn’t risk it.

Josh was just like me in the sense that he was aware of everything anyone did, looking for that moment when people stopping being nice and said what they were really thinking. That’s why we were best friends.

That’s why we clicked so easily back in Year 10 even though it looked like we’d never be friends in a million years, let alone as close as we were.

It was different, kissing Josh. Not to say that I haven’t kissed a boy before—I was definitely not lacking in that department—but every time I went to take things a step further, I chickened out. It still doesn’t make much sense, how I ended up tangled in Josh’s sheets rather than some other boy’s with whom I was in a relationship with. But a lot of things in the strange mix of relationship and friendship that Josh and I shared didn’t make sense, and we had long given up on explaining it to anyone else.

And when the whole escapade was all over, Josh and I laid there, shoulder to shoulder, in his bed trying to regain our breath.

2 Days Before

“I am so sick of this!” I huffed, flopping down on the grass in Josh’s front yard next to him.

“Yeah?” He asked, picking at his guitar with a silly grin on his face. “What you sick of?”

“How do I make the awkward go away?” I looked over at him and pulled my knees to my chest, cradling my chin between my knees.

“Don’t look at me with those big green eyes, love,” he muttered, strumming a fast, upbeat melody. “Make the awkward go away from where?”

“When I try to have sex.”

“Who’s the unlucky bloke this time?”

My cheeks flushed a rosy pink as I looked away and started plucking grass out of his front lawn. It didn’t matter how many times we sat in identical positions in different places and talked about the same, and sometimes worse, things, I always got embarrassed. Spending most of my childhood in Southeastern America had much to do with the way my morals were set, also. “Keagan,” I mumbled under my breath.

“What’s that?”

“Keagan,” I replied, slightly louder that time.

“I can’t hear you!”

“KEAGAN.”

“So, you and Keagan, yeah? Nice fellow, I s’pose.” Josh set his guitar aside and turned to mimic my position.

I squirmed a little and nodded.

“What do you mean about the awkward?”

I let out a heavy sigh, picking at the grass again. “I want to, Josh. I want to give it all to him, but I just can’t muster the courage to do it,” I said with a small frown.

“Just take your clothes off and jump him!” Josh laughed when I reached to punch his arm and missed, hitting his thigh instead. And then he shrugged. “I dunno, Sophie.” He picked up his guitar and started strumming again. “The only thing I say is to have sex with a bloke you really trust first to get the awkwardness out of you, and then go to Keagan.”

And then it hit me. “Will you have sex with me, Josh?”

Startled, he struck a sour note on his guitar and looked over at me with large, blue eyes. “You want me to have sex with you?”

I nodded. “No strings. I swear. I just want to get the awkward out of the way. Please, Joshy.”

He frowned and grumbled something about that not being his name under his breath before he scrutinized me again. He sighed, and started playing a random melody, whispering out a few lyrics:

“…I heard love is dangerous
Once you fall you never get enough
But the thought of you leaving
Ain’t so easy for me…”

“What’s that?” I asked, hugging my knees tighter to my chest.

“Just something I heard on TV while I was in the states for my sister’s wedding,” he said, placing his guitar aside again. Josh rubbed his eyes and shot me a sidelong glance. “Listen, Sophie. Think about it. I mean really think about it tonight, and if you still decide that you want to have sex with me to get the ‘awkward’ out of the way, we’ll try,” he muttered, his cheeks tinting a charming rosy color.

I reached over and pinched his cheeks. “Aye, aye capt’n.”

The Day Before

The park in late April was always a nice place to be. It was nice and breezy and warm and even in a pair of shorts, hanging upside down on the interval bars and watching Josh trudge over to me with his hands in his pockets, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

“You look rather silly upside down,” I noted once he was within earshot.

“Oi,” he retorted, flicking my nose, “I don’t appreciate that kind of talk.”

I pulled my feet back under the bar and hopped down, turning to slip my shoes back on and pick my jacket up off the ground. “So,” I said, following him to a picnic table.

“Hmm?”

“About yesterday.”

“Oh.” He was quiet for a few moments while he continued to stare at the empty park and twist his hands in his lap. “What decision did you come to?”

“The same.”

“Alright. Tomorrow then?”

I nodded, and we sat in comfortable silence for a few moments before Josh cracked a joke, when I stood up and wobbled, about how all the blood was rushing from my head now that I was right-side-up.

The Day Of

The entire day, I could feel the anticipation building, building, building until finally when Josh rang my cell that night and said I could come over. I didn’t ever think about wearing a special negligee or sexy lingerie because it was just Josh, and I knew he wouldn’t care. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that it wouldn’t change things in our friendship, but I trusted him enough that we could do this and he would still be my best friend.

I didn’t wear just a trench coat or anything of the sort. I wore my standard cut-off jean shorts (of which I had many different pairs of), a plain grey v-neck top, and even had my hair pulled into a loose ponytail.

I walked over to Josh’s house, noticing the single light on in the attic bedroom and the flutter of curtains as I crossed my front lawn. It was a strange feeling, knowing that I was coming over to his house this time to have sex with him. And when I reached the front door, Josh was already standing there with the door open, leaning against the frame.

I stood in front of him, and we stared at each other for what seemed like ages before he stepped aside and let me in. He shut the door behind me, sliding the locks in place. “Sophie,” he murmured, grabbing my elbow gently. “Are you sure?”

I didn’t say anything at first, just gave him a grin, but when he didn’t grin back, I nodded, my face falling into a sober mask. “Yes, Josh. Now can we do this before I loose my nerve?”

He didn’t reply, instead he took my hand and lead me upstairs to his attic bedroom where everything was just as I remembered (though it hadn’t even been a week since I was in here), and we sat on the edge of his bed. “You can count on me, y’know,” Josh mumbled, peeking over at me.

I quirked a brow. “What do you mean?”

He sighed and stretched out on his sloppily made bed. “After we do this, I’ll still be your best mate. And I promise to be careful from the start.”

I kicked my shoes off, turning to face him, and pulled my feet under me. “Is it going to hurt?” I whispered.

He nodded slowly. “A bit.”

I squirmed a little in my seat. “Go easy on me.”

He nodded again and stood to turn out the light. And then his hand was gentle against my cheek and his lips were tentative against mine and he was tugging the tie out of my hair, letting it fall down my back while the kiss went a little faster, a little deeper. If it had been Keagan, I would have run my hands through his soft, blond hair, but it was Josh, who had shaggy brown hair, and even though his guitar-calloused hands were cautious and exploring and tentative, I didn’t know what to do with mine. Should I cup his cheek and have my soft hands tickled by the stubble that was scratching my chin as we kissed?

When Josh pulled back, his breathing a little heavier than before and his face illuminated by only the streetlights outside, I was surprised by the golden glow that was sparking to life low in my stomach. “Stop thinking, Sophie,” he whispered against my lips. “That’s probably why it’s so hard for you.”

Stop thinking? Could I manage that?

Josh kissed me again and led me back to stretch out beneath him. Then his hands were on my hips and the slow movement of them on my sides while he pulled away from the kiss again and kissed down my neck and collarbone sweetly, scattered all my thoughts.

“Pretend I’m Keagan,” he whispered, his hot breath tickling my chest as he slid my shirt over my head. “What would you do if I was Keagan?”

I mused over that for a moment before I nervously pushed my hands under his shirt and felt Josh’s lean muscles working under his smooth skin, and then I wasn’t so nervous anymore. I pulled his shirt off his head and threw it to the floor, and I could feel his smirk when he continued kissing up and down my stomach.

And even though it was slightly awkward having sex with my best friend, it wasn’t long before Josh and I were completely naked and we were ready and he was putting on a condom and we were having sex. He was right, too. It did hurt a little at first. A sharp pinch where I shouldn’t feel a sharp pinch and Josh vehemently apologizing the entire thirty seconds or so my face was contorted with discomfort and then it was easy. And we were having sex. And I realized there wasn’t anything to feel awkward about at all.