Curse
Half Smiling, Half in Pain.
Turning off the lamp’s light, climbing out of my window, prepared for never coming back. I start walking on the street. Not caring or wondering about anything. I wouldn’t be thinking about where to go. I’d just keep walking. Avoiding everyone’s house, the ones who mean the most to me, because I don’t want them to see me. And I don’t want to think about what she, particularly, is doing because I know I’m partly scarring her. She knows I’m scarring her. She has to face me every day. And when I tell her what’s wrong, she gets scarred by the things I say. When I told her I used to pierce, her arms started secretly burning and she doesn’t even know it because she is so numb to this. And it’s just scarring her without the physical pain. So I keep walking, finding a park and sit on a bench for hours, gazing at the snow.
All I want is to see the dead grass, when it’s the beginning of spring. I want the grass to heal and to become what it once was, green and full of life. Not dull and smashed by an undying seasonal change. I notice something, that there’s no one left in the park but me. Even though this scene was empty before I got here. I feel stranded and alone. So I get off the bench and keep walking into forever. The path that curves out of the park and onto the broken down sidewalk seems to be a never ending story. This path will be forever broken, no matter how hard we try to fix it up. Its origins and roots are eternally broken. And I’m the one, who will never forget how many times we tried to change something that will never be fixed. I take my eyes off of this rundown path, having hope for the forgotten. Maybe, my mother hasn’t noticed I’m gone. Maybe she has forgotten all about me.
I step into the abandoned street, it broken too. I walk in the middle of the messy road, because no car will ever drive into nothing, I’m just walking into a dead end. The roads are icy and splattered with snow, here and there. I start to build a conviction; the only season without snow is summer. And we are in the dead of winter. Freezing and thawing as the year stretches onward into something like the last. At the dead end, I see the sun setting. The sun could never be more beautiful than now, in this moment, this very second. I feel like I’m at the horizon. But really, the horizon was never there. It was made up to make me believe, there was something more out there. But, maybe the horizon, is the time in your life, when everything is wrong except one thing, the suns beautiful scene, because the sun never hurt you. I look away, turn around, and head downtown.
By this time, it’s night. The street lights are beaming with bright lighting. Cars and fancy limousines flood into the streets. Music from stores distracts my mind. I feel the city scene is overwhelming, but cool. I look at the stop lights, green…. yellow…. red. Stop go, stop go. I can’t stand this. I run fast in front of cars and into the neighborhoods. Back to the park. I sit back on the bench again, hands buried in my face. I start to weep. I know I’m broken, and torn. Scared and shattered. My eyes are so cluttered. I want to be out of my misery. I hate being broken from the insides out. I stare into the dark area. It’s cluttered by darkness, just like me. I shut my eye lids, letting tears stream down my face. I think,” I never asked for this.” I’ve been in, out, and through this situation for quiet the time. This is not the never ending story. This is not fate. But, I’d hate for death to do us part. What should I do? How am I even able to hold myself back? I feel crazy. I think I’ve gone mad. I want out so bad.
For the first time, I couldn't stop the tears. They just flowed out of my eyes, like a flood. I didn't like this feeling thaat was hurting me bit by bit. It was agonizing.
Right then and there, I started to breathe heavily. I felt my heart skipping beats. Then I heard what seemed like every sound in the city, collide in my ears. I screamed and screamed. I started crying even harder. The noise drove me insane, but I’d rather be out here alone. The noise made me feel more empty and scared than I had before. And then it suddenly stopped in its tracks. I looked down at my hands, then where cold, and soft. I take off my hoodie, and look at my arms. They are halfway covered in scars, from me cutting. But I had stopped a few weeks ago. I promised myself, that if I wanted to relieve my stress any day that it would be through death. But I could never leave Rosie. No, not ever. She’s the one who’s helped me the most. And I love her. I feel even worse for everyone I know, that has to deal with me. I’m a wreck, ready to sink. I know someone probably already hates me for being this way. But I never asked for this fucked-up feeling.
I put my hoodie back on. The park is still empty. I want to stay, but I should really leave and go home. I don’t even want to have the privilege to call it home. I don’t even matter there. I’m just a negative space. I look around for a few minutes, deciding if I should stay till dawn breaks, or go home. I pull out my cell phone. 47 texts. I hadn’t been texting anyone, except for Rosie. Everyone else treated me like I didn’t matter at times, so what’s the point in texting them? I open the first text that comes up. It says, “what’s wrong with you?! You are a pathetic friend, you piece of shit. You could at least tell me why you aren’t texting anyone!” Yeah, that’s from Mae. She never really was a friend, just an asshole who thinks she can control me. Nice try, Mae. I blink twice, and decide there’s nothing to cry about. My bad for not texting back? I shut my phone. I decide to go back home. I try to avoid those people’s houses. But I go to Mae’s house. Because I know she’s all alone in there, her fathers never home. Maybe it would be better to explain things in person?
St. Joe River. Yeah that’s the river she lives next to. I go about 5 or 6 houses down from the corner, and end up in front of her house. It’s a quit lovely house. I might want to gaze at it for a few moments before I never come back again. I slowly but surely get the courage to go to her door, I knock once, and she swings open the door. “Oh look. It’s the girl who seems to never text a bitch back.” Mae says irritated. “Look Mae, I am not even close to happy right now. I don’t like texting or talking to people anymore. All they do is bitch and wine, and I don’t even want to hear that anymore. All you do is gossip, gossip, gossip. Have you ever thought about it and said ‘oh maybe talking about so and so isn’t a good idea’? I bet not. People have feelings, you know. And you have seemed to forgotten. I’ve been here for you since the day we became friends, you haven’t done the same for me. Thanks for calling me a pathetic friend. It really made me feel good inside. Get a new hobby.” I turned around and started walking down the steps.
“Wait!” Mae shouted. I turned around and rose up one eye brow. “Yeah?” Mae looked at my feet and then looked at me and said, “I’m sorry…. You’re not a pathetic friend.” I could hear every bit of regret in her voice. Then she said,” I love you…” And I heard even more regret in that. I just stood there, ready to explode. And then I replied,” Did you know regret has taken over you? I heard every inch of regret, Mae. Why can’t you just care about me just for once?! Have sympathy, god damn. We are done here. Once you are ready to be a better person come tell me, but don’t be fake with it, just for your sake.” I turn around for the last time, feeling more hated than ever, but at least I did some good for her. Her house is a block away from mine. So I just walk in silence, not caring if I had hurt her. It only took me about five minutes, until I got home. I opened the front door, and then my mom began to yell at me. Mother pleaded,” Where the fuck have you been Carson?! We were so fucking worried!” I thought about it for a second, deciding to lie,” Geez Katie, I was at a friend’s house calm down!” Her face became hot she screamed,” Don’t call me by my first name! You need to ask me if you could’ve even gone! You are grounded!” I just shrugged and said,” Cool.” I handed her my phone, I didn’t text anyway. She said,” You need to learn some things before you get your phone back honey.” I rolled my eyes and said,” If you haven’t noticed, I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. So have fun looking through my texts.” I start walking away, noticing the time on the clock reads 11:47 P.M. As I’m walking to my room all I can here is my mother screaming to her boyfriend, ‘She is so immature!’ So I yell back,” Fuck you too mom!” And slam my door. Half smiling, half in pain
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It was three o’clock in the morning when I woke up the next day. I hadn’t really been sleeping though. I lay in my bed, and stared through the window across the room. I didn’t know how to feel. I wanted to scream my lungs out, I didn’t want to breathe anymore. I don’t want to even think or feel any emotion. I tip-toe out into the bathroom. I turn on the light. I looked around. I look for the pain killers. I found them in the back of the cabinet. Then I set them down on the counter. I run the water in the tub, hot water, really hot water. Now the bath is filled with steaming water ready to burn my flesh. I take off my clothes and slowly work my way into the bath. Even though it hurts like hell, I don’t screech, nor do I even flinch. I lay in the bath, thinking about nothing. It’s a shame I’ve come to this, I just hope it works.
All I want is to see the dead grass, when it’s the beginning of spring. I want the grass to heal and to become what it once was, green and full of life. Not dull and smashed by an undying seasonal change. I notice something, that there’s no one left in the park but me. Even though this scene was empty before I got here. I feel stranded and alone. So I get off the bench and keep walking into forever. The path that curves out of the park and onto the broken down sidewalk seems to be a never ending story. This path will be forever broken, no matter how hard we try to fix it up. Its origins and roots are eternally broken. And I’m the one, who will never forget how many times we tried to change something that will never be fixed. I take my eyes off of this rundown path, having hope for the forgotten. Maybe, my mother hasn’t noticed I’m gone. Maybe she has forgotten all about me.
I step into the abandoned street, it broken too. I walk in the middle of the messy road, because no car will ever drive into nothing, I’m just walking into a dead end. The roads are icy and splattered with snow, here and there. I start to build a conviction; the only season without snow is summer. And we are in the dead of winter. Freezing and thawing as the year stretches onward into something like the last. At the dead end, I see the sun setting. The sun could never be more beautiful than now, in this moment, this very second. I feel like I’m at the horizon. But really, the horizon was never there. It was made up to make me believe, there was something more out there. But, maybe the horizon, is the time in your life, when everything is wrong except one thing, the suns beautiful scene, because the sun never hurt you. I look away, turn around, and head downtown.
By this time, it’s night. The street lights are beaming with bright lighting. Cars and fancy limousines flood into the streets. Music from stores distracts my mind. I feel the city scene is overwhelming, but cool. I look at the stop lights, green…. yellow…. red. Stop go, stop go. I can’t stand this. I run fast in front of cars and into the neighborhoods. Back to the park. I sit back on the bench again, hands buried in my face. I start to weep. I know I’m broken, and torn. Scared and shattered. My eyes are so cluttered. I want to be out of my misery. I hate being broken from the insides out. I stare into the dark area. It’s cluttered by darkness, just like me. I shut my eye lids, letting tears stream down my face. I think,” I never asked for this.” I’ve been in, out, and through this situation for quiet the time. This is not the never ending story. This is not fate. But, I’d hate for death to do us part. What should I do? How am I even able to hold myself back? I feel crazy. I think I’ve gone mad. I want out so bad.
For the first time, I couldn't stop the tears. They just flowed out of my eyes, like a flood. I didn't like this feeling thaat was hurting me bit by bit. It was agonizing.
Right then and there, I started to breathe heavily. I felt my heart skipping beats. Then I heard what seemed like every sound in the city, collide in my ears. I screamed and screamed. I started crying even harder. The noise drove me insane, but I’d rather be out here alone. The noise made me feel more empty and scared than I had before. And then it suddenly stopped in its tracks. I looked down at my hands, then where cold, and soft. I take off my hoodie, and look at my arms. They are halfway covered in scars, from me cutting. But I had stopped a few weeks ago. I promised myself, that if I wanted to relieve my stress any day that it would be through death. But I could never leave Rosie. No, not ever. She’s the one who’s helped me the most. And I love her. I feel even worse for everyone I know, that has to deal with me. I’m a wreck, ready to sink. I know someone probably already hates me for being this way. But I never asked for this fucked-up feeling.
I put my hoodie back on. The park is still empty. I want to stay, but I should really leave and go home. I don’t even want to have the privilege to call it home. I don’t even matter there. I’m just a negative space. I look around for a few minutes, deciding if I should stay till dawn breaks, or go home. I pull out my cell phone. 47 texts. I hadn’t been texting anyone, except for Rosie. Everyone else treated me like I didn’t matter at times, so what’s the point in texting them? I open the first text that comes up. It says, “what’s wrong with you?! You are a pathetic friend, you piece of shit. You could at least tell me why you aren’t texting anyone!” Yeah, that’s from Mae. She never really was a friend, just an asshole who thinks she can control me. Nice try, Mae. I blink twice, and decide there’s nothing to cry about. My bad for not texting back? I shut my phone. I decide to go back home. I try to avoid those people’s houses. But I go to Mae’s house. Because I know she’s all alone in there, her fathers never home. Maybe it would be better to explain things in person?
St. Joe River. Yeah that’s the river she lives next to. I go about 5 or 6 houses down from the corner, and end up in front of her house. It’s a quit lovely house. I might want to gaze at it for a few moments before I never come back again. I slowly but surely get the courage to go to her door, I knock once, and she swings open the door. “Oh look. It’s the girl who seems to never text a bitch back.” Mae says irritated. “Look Mae, I am not even close to happy right now. I don’t like texting or talking to people anymore. All they do is bitch and wine, and I don’t even want to hear that anymore. All you do is gossip, gossip, gossip. Have you ever thought about it and said ‘oh maybe talking about so and so isn’t a good idea’? I bet not. People have feelings, you know. And you have seemed to forgotten. I’ve been here for you since the day we became friends, you haven’t done the same for me. Thanks for calling me a pathetic friend. It really made me feel good inside. Get a new hobby.” I turned around and started walking down the steps.
“Wait!” Mae shouted. I turned around and rose up one eye brow. “Yeah?” Mae looked at my feet and then looked at me and said, “I’m sorry…. You’re not a pathetic friend.” I could hear every bit of regret in her voice. Then she said,” I love you…” And I heard even more regret in that. I just stood there, ready to explode. And then I replied,” Did you know regret has taken over you? I heard every inch of regret, Mae. Why can’t you just care about me just for once?! Have sympathy, god damn. We are done here. Once you are ready to be a better person come tell me, but don’t be fake with it, just for your sake.” I turn around for the last time, feeling more hated than ever, but at least I did some good for her. Her house is a block away from mine. So I just walk in silence, not caring if I had hurt her. It only took me about five minutes, until I got home. I opened the front door, and then my mom began to yell at me. Mother pleaded,” Where the fuck have you been Carson?! We were so fucking worried!” I thought about it for a second, deciding to lie,” Geez Katie, I was at a friend’s house calm down!” Her face became hot she screamed,” Don’t call me by my first name! You need to ask me if you could’ve even gone! You are grounded!” I just shrugged and said,” Cool.” I handed her my phone, I didn’t text anyway. She said,” You need to learn some things before you get your phone back honey.” I rolled my eyes and said,” If you haven’t noticed, I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. So have fun looking through my texts.” I start walking away, noticing the time on the clock reads 11:47 P.M. As I’m walking to my room all I can here is my mother screaming to her boyfriend, ‘She is so immature!’ So I yell back,” Fuck you too mom!” And slam my door. Half smiling, half in pain
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It was three o’clock in the morning when I woke up the next day. I hadn’t really been sleeping though. I lay in my bed, and stared through the window across the room. I didn’t know how to feel. I wanted to scream my lungs out, I didn’t want to breathe anymore. I don’t want to even think or feel any emotion. I tip-toe out into the bathroom. I turn on the light. I looked around. I look for the pain killers. I found them in the back of the cabinet. Then I set them down on the counter. I run the water in the tub, hot water, really hot water. Now the bath is filled with steaming water ready to burn my flesh. I take off my clothes and slowly work my way into the bath. Even though it hurts like hell, I don’t screech, nor do I even flinch. I lay in the bath, thinking about nothing. It’s a shame I’ve come to this, I just hope it works.