I Never Meant to Start a War

I would have thought that Bella would have been much more reluctant about my visiting La Push once I had told her what had happened, but she was full of surprises—just a week and limited to no communication later, she was calling me up and asking me to accompany her to La Push, claiming that Jacob needed her to come immediately.

Jasper and Edward okayed the trip with a sigh, and off we went.

On the way, I thought about why she would want me to come with her. I knew she would have an ulterior motive, perhaps even one that she wasn’t even aware of. She tended to do something like that, lie to herself in her head while her actions go the way her subconscious is trying to make her realize. Maybe she is denying it in her head, but her subconscious mind might want her to take me to La Push and see their reactions to me—see the brightness in his eyes, perhaps see the softening tension in the atmosphere in the pack because I am, whether they (and I) liked it or not, I am an imprint.

I think Bella rested assured when she saw the proof of her speculations, as we all do. I think it’s just that some of us take it a bit to extremes.

I hadn’t told Paul that we were coming solely because it had been about three days since we had last spoken. I usually snuck in the call in the time period when I was sure Jasper wasn’t going to be around, whether he was at his house or hunting. It felt like I was cheating on him. And I suppose, in certain aspects, I was.

I was coming to La Push without anyone knowing truthfully why. Edward and Jasper were under the impression that Bella wanted to visit Jake and I wanted to visit whoever I had befriended on the last trip. They didn’t suspect anything like imprinting to be involved, and why should they? Edward would have heard it in my mind, right?

When we reached the outskirts of what I recognized as La Push, I began to feel a little sick. Nervous; perhaps because I knew that no matter the imprinting magic, they would still more than likely treat me the same way they had before.

I didn’t expect anyone to be exclusively waiting for us out front of Emily and Sam’s small home, but I also didn’t know if Bella had called to warn of our arrival. Jacob stood on the porch, leaning on the railing that looked ready to falter under his weight, and he sent our car a grin. Bella smiled over at me and we got out, her confident, me a looming force in the background.

“Hey, Bells,” Jacob immediately greeted, pulling her into a tight bear hug. They embraced for a moment before they pulled away, and Jacob glanced over at me. He smirked. “Paul’s going to freak,” he remarked in passing as he gestured for Bella and me to follow him. Once he turned his back, I saw Bella shoot me a glance. She was beginning to lose her hope that it was all a lie.

As it had been the first time of my visits, the teenage males inside were talking and yelling and cursing and teasing and everything in between—but, once again, when they caught sight of me, the room went silent.

The noise started back up once they realized their mistake, but it was as though I could feel them shooting glances at me. I could hear the criticism echoing in their heads: What made him see her? I knew it wasn’t teenage angst that brought upon these made-up questions because I knew they were looking at me. I knew they were wondering why imprinting, something that they had considered one of the greatest things of being a werewolf, was going to try so simply to tear their world apart.

My stomach fell, and I knew they were right.

I could see it in their perspective, however fleetingly.

I could see how they considered it as me leading him on. I assumed that this had come off of the basis of what I could tell they thought Bella was doing with Jacob. They would see me running down here at whatever time I could, calling him any time I could, not working him into my schedule but rather finding a place where he would fit. They would see me as the girl that kept stringing him along and giving him hope for something that would only hurt him in the end. Jacob hadn’t imprinted on Bella; but Paul had imprinted on me. And it would hurt him more than Jacob could ever hurt if I chose someone else.

And they might have had a point, because we all are allowed opinions. As friends of one side, that was how they saw it. But I saw Bella and Jacob’s situation as Bella needing a friend, and Jacob falling into an unrequited love—I knew Bella didn’t want him to love her but she didn’t have a choice.

I saw mine and Paul’s situation as a sick form of mockery.

My calm composure almost came tumbling down when I heard my name muttered, and one of the wolves turn and openly glare at me. I felt a scowl cover my face and my blood boil, but I didn’t have enough time to frame words when the screen door came crashing open, and the wolf who imprinted on me dramatically stumbled into the house.

“Uh,” he complained. “If I got any less sleep, I would be getting negative.”

Despite everything, I rolled my eyes, because I had grown fond of his perspective of speech next to Jasper’s articulated eloquence.

He turned and he saw me.

A grin broke through his face, opening the sun from the layer of clouds, and before I knew what was happening I was in his arms and being held tightly to him as he laughed. “I can’t believe you’re here!” I felt the words rumble in his chest as he whispered them in my ear, and I tried not to blush at his lip’s closeness. I pulled away from him and offered a tired smile, but when I looked behind him, I saw the looks the pack was giving me. I felt the wall of hostility that they had built up to block me out.

One thing was for sure—I was not welcome here. Not even if I was Paul’s imprint.

I felt a little sick as he beamed over at me again, not noticing the obvious disproval radiating from his pack brothers.

“He just let you come here?” he asked, still high in the clouds even if I had heard from Bella that he had lost his temper even on her, and I found myself glancing at my best friend without even meaning to.

Her face was pale, and she was looking at me like she finally believed me.

And she didn’t like it.

A little disappointed because I didn’t get the approval I very much so needed, I turned to the beaming man in front of me.

“He has no reason not to trust me,” I said in a slightly measured tone, meaning for it to sting like the lashing of a whip. I thought I would be aiming for the hateful wolf pack eavesdropping behind us, but I later would find myself wondering if I had partially aimed that at Bella, too, because I wanted to her to know the truth. I didn’t have any intention of cheating on Jasper—no matter how much it felt like I already was.

I felt the glares.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” I abruptly asked as he was opening his mouth to reply, and he immediately nodded and smiled. He reached out to take my hand as he walked toward the door, pulling me behind him. I assumed that the want and need to physically touch their imprints must eat at them. If he wanted to hold my hand, that was the least of my worries.

It was until we were out in the open air that I began to feel the weight slipping off of my shoulders. Piece by piece, the tension that had been very much so apparent in the air began to fall away, giving me a chance to think, a chance to breathe. The warm hand around mine was a reassurance, not a warning of impending doom. My collected and cool façade came down, and I felt myself start to strip away the fake layers of my face because I was finally with someone that I knew I could trust.

A wolf would rather die than hurt their imprint. And, sooner or later, he will see how much I hid behind those cultivated emotions.

For now, it was all smiles.

He was almost skipping, high from my presence. Paul didn’t say anything—I could see everything in his expression. His eyes were lit up and his smile showed joy that was too indescribably strong for a description to do it justice. Everything about him screamed his happiness and his confidence alike, like the way he loped around with a bounce and the way he held his shoulders up high, proud, knowing his own little secret that he had a reason to be proud. It made me want to smile, but I wasn’t sure how to explain it if he asked.
How could I explain this, even to myself?

I chose a topic that would make it all go away. “Your pack brothers don’t approve.”

Paul growled and squeezed my hand, shifting ever so slightly closer. Our arms almost brushed, as if it didn’t help that we were already holding hands. Something violent flashed in his eyes and his jaw clenched. “They don’t matter,” he told me in a growl. “What matters is you and me.”

“You and me?” I challenged, feeling the want to have it all gone. “And what exactly do you think is between you and me?”

“A vampire that thinks his unbeating heart can love,” Paul countered, and I admitted defeat.

But I recoiled, because it had hurt—I still loved Jasper, no matter what confusion I had in my feelings for Paul. I loved Jasper so much. The blow to his heart hurt mine, and I found myself untangling my hand from his and shifting further away, hurt by his words. Jasper and my love still ran through my veins—my blood ran at an uneven pace.

Paul realized that his words would hurt only when I shied away from him, and he looked at me with wide eyes.

“Marie, I’m so sorry,” he said, but I came in over him.

“No, you’re not.” I scowled, still pulling my hand away. “If I left him, you could have everything, and you know it. It’s the fact that I still love him that totally throws you off.”

He growled. “How can you love a monster?”

“That’s a bit hypocritical, if you ask me. Last time I checked, you’re a monster, too.”

That was when he started to shake, and although I knew I was taking it too far, that was when it became obvious that I may be his imprint, but he was still human. And humans make mistakes.

He was shaking as he spit out, “I’m human. I have a beating heart. And guess what, Marie—he’s not human anymore.”

“If he could be human again,” I said in a tired voice, “he would. But he doesn’t have a choice like you do, Paul. He can’t just stop being a vampire and eventually go back to being human. He didn’t have a choice of being turned and he can’t ever have the choice of turning back. Any of them would give anything to be human again, but it just doesn’t work that way.”

My words had a sobering effect on the conversation at hand: That no one was going to win. Paul ran a stressed hand through his hair and I felt my fatigue wash through me with a vengeance. I rubbed my eyes and sighed, knowing that this wasn’t going to end, this constant questioning on Jasper’s heart. I knew it wouldn’t because Paul wanted to win. He wanted to have it all.

But he couldn’t; no matter what, Jasper will always own a piece of my heart.

I tried to breathe, and I reached up and just hid my face in my hands for a moment just to control my expression from heartbroken to upset. When I opened them again, I found Paul staring at me with those soft brown eyes, wide and apologizing even though he wasn’t sure he meant it, and my heart swelled.

It was moments like these where I questioned everything.

I heard myself whisper, lost: “I don’t know what to do.”

He stepped forward and pulled me into the security of his arms, holding me tightly even though I tried to slip away, and I felt his breath blow across the top of my head as he sighed.

“It’ll all work out someday,” he promised me in a melodic murmur. “I promise that it’ll work out, Marie. I’ll always be here for you—I just want you to remember that, okay?”

I heard the words he couldn’t say, and there was a sick taste in my mouth during the whole silent car ride home.